To ask NRP to increase CMS payment?

[StarlaPriest]

Hi everyone,

My ex and i have been separated coming up 8 years now. He's always made token payments for our 3 children, and when he got a better job 3ish years increased his payments to £200.00 a month. I received a letter from the CMS after a review of our case and they stated he should have been paying a fair bit more than twice that much going by his income and i could apply for arrears if i wanted. I chose not to, because i didn't want to rock the boat with my ex, preferring him to have a relationship with his kids despite my struggles. He very begrudgingly raised the amount a little bit but nowhere near the amount he should be paying. He's since then taken on a different shift pattern and sees the kids around once a month for one night, and has them for a weekend approx every 6 weeks. He says that these factors where he provides things for them his end should be taken into account and that he doesnt owe me what they are saying.

This year i have received another letter saying that his income is higher than last year and the amount he should pay has been raised again, however he keeps insisting that he cannot afford to pay any more. I have asked him to re-read the letter, and consider things from my point of view and get back to me. He's responded that he would be unable to pay his rent and get to work if he paid me the amount stated, which according to the income detailed in the letter is about half a weeks wage.

He lives with his partner, they both work and have no children to take care of their end.

I don't have much money of my own, my partner and i are building up our own business and we have one child together. I feel my partner puts so much into raising my older three when their own dad puts in the bare minimum and it is unfair.

I've given my ex one more opportunity to look at things again and stated that i wish he would look at it realistically as i don't wish to involve the cms any further. They would take whatever he is due to pay and the possibly the arrears from not paying the full amount for the past few years on top of the collection fees they now charge. I've no desire to bankrupt my ex so i've tried so hard to be fair, i really want to maintain a good relationship with him for the kids sake but i feel something has to give here.

Does anyone know what sort of effect cms payments have on the paying parent? Would it really leave them out of pocket? I know that they calculate the amount before tax deducted so i've always accepted less from him to account for this, but is this fair on me and the kids? Would i be being unreasonable to just let the CMS have at it?

Thank you if you've read this far x

I will update the thread when i get it all sorted out, thanks again for all the input everyone :)

Ps i don't know how to send a reply with the quote that i'm replying to, i've attempted it several times and its just not working! If anyone could tell me how to do that i'd be very grateful lol x thanks X

Can you change your mind about the arrears? At least then you’d have some money to fall back on if you need it.

Can you not ask cms to start taking payment from now of what he should of been paying for the last year and then have it reviewed in May like they say?

Hi everyone,

I contacted the CMS again when they said to a few weeks back and they finally managed to get hold of the childrens father yesterday. He immediately contacted me giving me all sorts of grief about how he's going to have to move house, sell his car, all his possessions, he will go into debt, will have to get a second job, his OH will have to get a second job and he will never see the kids because he will be too busy working himself literally to death to pay the calculated amount.

I have remained somewhat neutral in my responses, refusing to be drawn into arguments and using the advice of a previous poster on this thread by just repeating that the CMS are handling everything from now on so he needs to speak to them. He eventually called me sounding like he was hyper ventilating and i feel absolutely horrible.

I know perfectly well that he has set his life up without accounting for the children financially and that isn't my fault but it still feels like my stomach has completely bottomed out on me and i've done something awful. He's already backed out of having the children the next time he is supposed to saying he has to work now to "get you your money"

I couldn't sleep at all last night and while i feel that for once, finally im standing up for myself against him and am refusing to back down, i can't help wondering if what he's saying is right. He literally said to me "I'm ruined" and it's all on me, and that i've ruined his relationship with his kids for ever. I don't understand this reaction, i was expecting kick back of some sort but i didn't expect this and i cant help wondering if it really will make his life as bad as he says?

I highly doubt it’s going to have that huge an impact on his life. If it does, he is living well beyond his means in an attempt to have a nice fancy lifestyle without worrying about paying for his children.

In reality, it sounds like he is hoping that by saying all of this to you, that you will feel incredibly guilty and sad and call a halt to the proceedings and go back to the amount he was paying. DO NOT DO IT!

I may have missed this in your posts, but has your children’s contact with your Ex been formally set up through solicitors or is it an arrangement you came up with yourself?

You are not doing anything wrong. He's throwing his dolly out of the pram as he has lost control of you. So what if he has to change his car? At least your children will get what they deserve

I don't think that I've ever seen such unanimity on here!

Definitely ask the CMS for the full amount plus arrears. He's paying a paltry amount and what the CMS collect is really pretty low. The extra could make a real difference to your kids.

It’s not “your money” at all, it’s the children’s money.

Keep refusing to engage and don’t let him guilt trip you (easier said than done I know!)

He’s trying to emotionally blackmail you! Him cancelling on the kids is ridiculous and it shows how little he cares about them. He should not of set up his life like he didn’t have any children when he did. If he’s living beyond his means then that’s his fault NOT yours!

If he has to get a cheaper car then so what? That’s not your problem!
Change his house ? Also not your problem.

He didn’t care about you and the kids when he was paying way below what he should.

He’s hoping your change your mind! DO NOT!

He wants a fancy lifestyle but he has kids, they come first! Your doing this for them.

Him living beyond his means is not your problem!

In all the information you have given in your post you have stated a desire to maintain ex relationships with his kids. You are I suspect a conciliatory and reasonable person who has succumbed to pressure & tantrums from your ex. Since you've told us, I'm sure you will have told him in every occasion you have 'asked him to consider' his position on maintenance that you wanted to protect his relationship with his DC. He knows this is and now using this as his emotional blackmail. He knows it's important to you, he knows if he pleads this you'll not sleep, you'll potentially relent. Do not budge.
Ask yourself if you were in a similar situation & money was tight for you would you relinquish & refuse time with your DC? He's already demonstrated in his actions (reducing time with them, not providing homely provisions or clothes/toothbrush, doing anything with them) that they have not been his priority. Right now, his actions tell you his leisure time & money is more important than them.

Just keep reminding yourself of that expensive car of his - that he was willing to spend more on a car than his own children. He's having a tantrum that's all. He's got used to living a child free life, barely seeing his kids or contributing to them. He's like a toddler who's got used to being spoilt and now can't understand why people are saying 'no' to him. Ignore his bad behaviour like you would a toddler. Your kids will gain more from the extra money than they may potentially lose out on with a once a month visit to a man-child who barely bothers with them.

Wow he is a manipulative one isn’t he! Doesn’t like losing control at all.

One thing that stood out for me, why the actual fuck should you care more about his new partner having to ‘get a second job’ than your children having what they need?

I bet he stopped ‘hyperventilating’ the minute he put the phone down.

Don’t relent OP. This is his responsibility to pay.

If he wasn't under paying in the first place he wouldn't be able to have all the nice things he has. He will be fine once he's adjusted to his new income. He's just paying what he owes for his children. And I'm sure cms is higher the less you see your children so he's doing himself no favours there... good for you op!

He's emotionally and financially abusing you and the kids OP

He has had PLENTY of warning about this and knows full well he has been underpaying for years. His financial arrangements are not your concern. He can take it out in the kids re contact if he wishes, butvthats his choice. If he'd have been paying the right amount luke a responsible father all these years then he wouldn't be in this position.

He's dug this hole for himself, it's not up to you to help him get out.

Thanks for all of your replies everyone, i half suspected he was trying to blackmail me emotionally, and the 'panic' is the reaction to me not budging from my position for once.

I think there has always been an element of controlling behaviour since we separated, with regards to when he sees the kids, me having to ask for the maintenance and him making me wait etc. I also feel that he 'punished' us last year by seeing the kids less when he had to increase his payments and it never picked up again. Now he's using that as a tool to threaten me with this year too but he doesn't see them often enough anymore for it to be effective.

Either way im sticking to my guns, thanks in no small part to the perspective i've gained from the posters on this thread. Its hard to see the big picture when you're in it, but this has helped to clarify things i've thought to myself along the way but have always been pursuaded out of. Thank you to you all x

Have you looked at the CMS calculator? They only take a percentage of his income he should have plenty left to live on, he just needs to live within his means. Do NOT give in to the emotional blackmail that is what he is counting on. Stand up for yourself for once. There is no point him working overtime to ' get you your money ' as next year's calculation would just go up as he's been earning more. Ignore him he's trying it on

he should have been paying a fair bit more than twice that much going by his income and i could apply for arrears if i wanted

Did they give you info on how you do this? The maintenance we receive has just increased by 93% due to ex not being honest about wages but they said that they’d only back pay to the date they got in touch with him about the latest review.

He is playing you. Do not losten to his lies. The CMS only take a set percentage so he should have plenty left to live on, he just doesn’t want to give you any more money for his kids.

Sounds like he thinks it’s ‘your money’ you should remind him it’s money for HIS kids actually, if he says that to you again.

Stand your ground. Your kids are owed this. You know the money will help give them the things they deserve, school bus, uniform, food! And so on

You just need to keep saying to him/yourself on repeat:

'Your previous choice to live beyond your means rather than financially supporting your children is not my problem'

If he needs to sell his car, rent somewhere a bit cheaper get extra jobs etc then that's his problem. It's what ALL parents have to do, make financial choices that consider their children.

Might be worth pointing out to him though that if he increases his income by working more, and reducing his contact time then the CMS amount will just increase again as well...

Let him have his flap. Someone is finally taking him to task and he doesn't like it, but he will just have to get used to it.

Did they give you info on how you do this? The maintenance we receive has just increased by 93% due to ex not being honest about wages but they said that they’d only back pay to the date they got in touch with him about the latest review.

When i asked about it they said they could work out how much he owes in back payments but when they went to him they've only gone back to the date of the review too. Maybe this is what they do now, i don't know.

It's. Not your money, he's being a dick !

"You'll be having the children for less overnights? Will you tell cms or shall I?"

lol @ The Myth :)

OP, you said yourself he's paying more for his car than for his kids! He can sell the car and get the bus, just like you and the kids have to do. That would probably cover the increase in CM. No need to work more, or give up his job or move house or anything.

You've been making ends meet for years, paying for (almost) all of the kids' needs. Perhaps it's time he adjusted his life around the children for a change.