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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask NRP to increase CMS payment?

112 replies

StarlaPriest · 19/04/2018 09:31

Hi everyone,

My ex and i have been separated coming up 8 years now. He's always made token payments for our 3 children, and when he got a better job 3ish years increased his payments to £200.00 a month. I received a letter from the CMS after a review of our case and they stated he should have been paying a fair bit more than twice that much going by his income and i could apply for arrears if i wanted. I chose not to, because i didn't want to rock the boat with my ex, preferring him to have a relationship with his kids despite my struggles. He very begrudgingly raised the amount a little bit but nowhere near the amount he should be paying. He's since then taken on a different shift pattern and sees the kids around once a month for one night, and has them for a weekend approx every 6 weeks. He says that these factors where he provides things for them his end should be taken into account and that he doesnt owe me what they are saying.

This year i have received another letter saying that his income is higher than last year and the amount he should pay has been raised again, however he keeps insisting that he cannot afford to pay any more. I have asked him to re-read the letter, and consider things from my point of view and get back to me. He's responded that he would be unable to pay his rent and get to work if he paid me the amount stated, which according to the income detailed in the letter is about half a weeks wage.

He lives with his partner, they both work and have no children to take care of their end.

I don't have much money of my own, my partner and i are building up our own business and we have one child together. I feel my partner puts so much into raising my older three when their own dad puts in the bare minimum and it is unfair.

I've given my ex one more opportunity to look at things again and stated that i wish he would look at it realistically as i don't wish to involve the cms any further. They would take whatever he is due to pay and the possibly the arrears from not paying the full amount for the past few years on top of the collection fees they now charge. I've no desire to bankrupt my ex so i've tried so hard to be fair, i really want to maintain a good relationship with him for the kids sake but i feel something has to give here.

Does anyone know what sort of effect cms payments have on the paying parent? Would it really leave them out of pocket? I know that they calculate the amount before tax deducted so i've always accepted less from him to account for this, but is this fair on me and the kids? Would i be being unreasonable to just let the CMS have at it?

Thank you if you've read this far x

OP posts:
ILookedintheWater · 19/04/2018 12:25

oh dear OP. It seems that your ex has committed to outgoings (rent, car, commute, lifestyle etc) using your DCs money.
Child maintenance is the NRP's input towards their children. He has 3 children and should be paying approx. 20% of his salary towards their keep. What proportion of your salary goes towards homing, feeding, clothing and entertaining those children? A heck of a lot more than 19%, I'll bet.

OhWhatAWonderfulDay · 19/04/2018 12:56

Go to CMS for the full whack as well as the arrears.

If you ex can't/couldn't afford kids then he should have thought about that before.

It's a tough luck situation, if this was the other way around, I can't imagine he'd be feeling guilty about taking money off you.

Don't put the arrears into a savings account as a PP said, that money is for you to raise your children. Whatever you get in arrears, YOU keep because you've already spent it.

Sounds like your kids only need their step dad & your ex isn't hugely bothered, don't worry about pissing him off, sounds like he is hardly around.

donners312 · 19/04/2018 13:02

Why are you more worried about him than your DC?

I assume he was abusive and brain washed you.

Get the money get the arrears and it is up to him to gorge the relationship with the kids which he barely does anyway?

TakeMeToKernow · 19/04/2018 13:11

I think another PP nailed it above with, to paraphrase - it sounds like he has prioritised other living costs over and above your DCs living costs.

I’m sure your ex will be fine. You may even be doing him a favour in terms of his relationship with the DCs in the future! Wont it affect their respect for him if they discover that for years he didn’t contribute financially?

lunar1 · 19/04/2018 13:16

Put your children first this time. Go through CMS and ask for it to be backdated.

He is playing on your emotions and sounds a complete waste of space.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2018 13:23

He tells me he would be left with £130 a month
You said upthread he td you it would be 50% so how does that work? Surely he picks up more than £260 a month. So he means play money? £130 a month after everything else paid? How much do you have?

I'd go through CMS. If he's going to refuse to see them because he has to pay for them, then he's actually better off out of their life. Its actually in his interest to have them more often not less as they take into consideration how often they sleep over

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2018 13:30

Go back to CMS, get the full amount and push for the arrears. He's a cheeky bastard and he's royally taking the piss.

He barely bothers to see them anyway and it's not your job to keep him sweet so he can be arsed to maintain a relationship with his children.

You sound so passive. He owes his children that money. You owe your children to fight for it. What are they currently missing out on because he's too cheap to give them what little he owes them? It's a percentage of his earnings, there is no way he suffers in any way due to paying the CMS amount. What will your children be able to do and have when you're getting all that you're owed? Think about it like that. Imagine yourself 5 years down the line thinking about what you were able to give them because you faced up to your ex and got the CMS to take what you and they are owed.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2018 13:46

Woman up!

Stand up for your kids. He is diddling them out of money they are legally and morally entitled to.

CMS all the way and claim arrears.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 19/04/2018 13:52

It's not 50% and CMS is a minimum amount. He's a liar liar pants on fire. Paying you 20% might require him to shuffle his finances but it's for your kids and he's the adult who made them. Don't feel guilty. Plenty of NRP are paying more than the CMS minimum and seeing their children. He is doing neither.
Who told you that CMS try to screw Dads? Was it someone who pays their ex through the CMS /dodging the CMS by any chance? Anecdotally, i heat more stories about them not collecting/pursuing the NRP than taking too much from the NRP.

He

Original poster
StarlaPriest · 20/04/2018 11:23

Hi all.

Thank you to everyone who read my post and offered opinions, there were a lot of good points that i hadn't considered, and fresh takes on the situation.

Before i go further i just wanted to clarify that i wasn't being told by OH that he would have to pay 50% of his wages, that was my fault for not being clear. The monthly payment he would have to make to us equates to roughly a half a weeks wage, possibly a bit more. My apologies for not explaining myself properly.

The ex has not got back to me as i asked, not even to say he will consider things or anything just flat out ignored me - so this morning i've called the CMS and set things in motion. They advised me that the letter i've received this week is actually just a precursor to the actual review which takes place early May, and the figures on this letter are the ones he should have been paying for the past 12 months. I can't believe i've been so stupid as to be sucked into only taking a portion of it.

Anyway i have to give them a call when the new letter with this years amounts come through and they will arrange Direct Pay for the full amount from there. It will come through every month at the same time, no chasing him up, it will just be in the bank the day its due :)

Thanks a lot for all of your help, it was the boost i needed to get what my kids deserve. Cheers! Wine

OP posts:
teenagerparent · 20/04/2018 11:45

Brilliant, just a word of advice as I've been there you may be a couple of months without any whilst they are setting it up. They have to give him a chance to set up a direct debit to pay them first and then if he doesn't they can go for getting it taken directly out of his salary. Also they get the payment and it then takes about 5 days to pay it out to you.

But once it is sorted it is so much better, you will be getting more and know when you will receive it. They send you a text every month saying they have received payment etc. Its worth the hassle for the first couple of months to get it sorted going on.

Has he even been paying 50% off what he should?

TakeMeToKernow · 20/04/2018 11:57

Well done for following through and taking action, OP.

Drop the AIBU-ers an update in a couple of months and let us know when you're all sorted :)

mummmy2017 · 20/04/2018 11:58

Your forgetting he only has to pay half the household bills.. He does live with someone else....don't weaken

Original poster
StarlaPriest · 20/04/2018 11:59

Teenagerparent - thanks for the advise, i hadn't considered there may be a grace period that i'll have to wait out. It's good to be forewarned, so i appreciate that thanks x Yes he's been paying a bit more than half x

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 20/04/2018 12:07

I am with everyone else go the CMS route, they won't leave him out of pocket, you have given him ample opportunity to step up and he hasn't the only people suffering is your kids as no doubt you would ensure that they st the things they deserve.

Raising kids is expensive these days and your ex is living the life of Reilly, also if you can get your back payments if anything you can put it away to give to your boys one day for uni etc.

lozzalou93 · 20/04/2018 13:21

I think cms is shocking personally, amounts they request are unfair on whoever pays, whether it’s the man or woman paying. For example, a non resident parent should always pay for their children regardless! It’s their responsibility! However taking a % of income can sometimes not be well suited.

For example my DP ex wife gets £1400 a month, (small amount of part time wages plus benefits) plus £250 from my DP. Her mortgage/bills come to £750 as he practically paid it all off when they were together, she has £900 to play with for 2 kids. My DP (when they separated) gave her the family home to protect the children, sees them every weekend without fail but has had to rent an expensive house to have enough rooms for the kids. DP gets £1300 a month. £250 for kids and his bills total £950ish.. he has hardly any money to take them out after, yet the ex has tonnes. Just telling this story cause in SOME cases, it is genuine. It is a % but ultimately they don’t take into account living costs or the main carers income which in my opinion they should.

You sound like a lovely person OP for being so considerate but if this is just a case of their DF being tight then go through cms. You’ve been more than reasonable

FASH84 · 20/04/2018 13:48

@lozzalou £250 a month isn't much for two children! £62.50 a week £31.25 each, that's nothing. If he supported then more appropriately maybe the tax payer wouldn't have to give their mother what sounds to be a considerable amount in benefits

lozzalou93 · 20/04/2018 16:14

@FASH84, I disagree. I think people forget the resident parent needs to provide for them too.. And you clearly didn’t read what I wrote very clearly. It would be impossible to do so unless he could no longer take them out/help them experience things. Some men/women are just damn right selfish and don’t pay for their kids, I was giving an example of where sometimes it isn’t actually possible (unless downgrading to a smaller house and then no beds for the kids)

Also, maybe if she didn’t have the ‘I don’t want a job because I’m better off on benefits’ attitude then the tax payer wouldn’t fit the bill. She’d be entitled to the same amount of benefits regardless what she gets in cms hence why incomes should be taking into consideration for the person receiving too.

This isn’t about my DP, I strongly agree all men/women should pay and be there for kids. It’s just another side of the coin. There’s flaws as well as benefits

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/04/2018 16:20

I’m the GF of an NRP, and UNLESS your income is more than your Ex’s

Am I missing something? The OP’s income has sod all to do with what her ex should be paying.

FASH84 · 20/04/2018 16:30

@lozzalou so if the resident parent contributed the same as your DP (I agree it's a mutual responsibility) that's a total of £500 a month, do you think that is enough to feed, clothe, house and provide for two children, including all bills and expenses for them? It wouldn't even cover the rent on a one bed flat where I live

donners312 · 20/04/2018 16:34

I also think the NRP should be paying more than half of the cost to bring up the DC because the RP is providing more of the childcare and can therefore probably not work as many hours.

But that'll never happen.

FASH84 · 20/04/2018 17:15

@donners312 I agree, but thought I'd do the simplest maths before getting into that one!

OneEyedWillie · 20/04/2018 17:56

@lozzalou To be fair my ex & his new DW seem to think I'm rolling in benefit money since I had to give up my job and claim benefits to care FT for OUR eldest disabled child who is barely attending school. I do all the care, manage appointments & SEN school.

I asked him this week to contribute an extra £50, just once, as DD2 is starting secondary school Sept & i need to order her school house jumpers and ties at open evening next month. The jumpers are £16, so two jumpers and I would take care of everything else. I got a load of abuse about how unreasonable i am even though he is cancelling his weekend seeing his children for the 5th time so they can have a weekend away.

Mousefunky · 20/04/2018 17:59

You should have accepted the arrears. They are owed to your children. It isn’t technically money for you, it is money for them and he owes it. You wouldn’t have been a bad person to ask for that, your children are entitled to it. I would also expect the amount CMS expect him to pay each month. Go through CMS.

CampariSpritz · 20/04/2018 18:46

Good for you for setting it in motion with CMS, OP. You sound like a very decent & fair person. As Beaver said, you gave him every opportunity to step up, and he didn’t. I also agree with the other posters who said that you should go after the arrears. It could be in a savings account earning interest for your DC. Best of luck & I hope there is no unpleasant fallout. If there is, stay strong & remember that you are in the right.