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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what my role is

121 replies

greengreyandblue · 18/04/2018 15:41

No partner.

My friends are without any exceptions married with preschool/ks1 aged children. As a result they don’t have any time for me at all. I understand this but it still hurts.

I’m dreading the warmer spell in a way as I feel pressured to be out enjoying it but don’t know how.

I feel like life’s passing me by and I’m becoming invisible.

OP posts:
adaline · 18/04/2018 17:07

This has definitely been posted before - under several different usernames if I recall.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 17:07

Look I’m going to dereg. Sorry. I’m a shit.

Why? People have only offered suggestions. I suspect there is an element of truth in what @Ennirem has said wrt you wanting to feel even worse and looking for validation that you're shit.

You aren't. You are a worthy person. You deserve to live your best possible life.

NovichoksAway · 18/04/2018 17:07

Why not join a couch to 5k group? Honestly, you see all shapes and sizes and nobody judges how fast you go, I promise. Exercise is so good for you in many aspects and running clubs are a good way to meet people (our local one seems to pair off a lot of people too Wink).

Original poster
greengreyandblue · 18/04/2018 17:08

Does it Mags?

Because I haven’t ever to my knowledge posted such a whiny thread before but shoot me, I’m really sad.

Sorry.

OP posts:
scampimom · 18/04/2018 17:09

I can recommend bellydancing. I've made some really good friends over the years, proper friendships not just casual "hi there" type things. Also, and this is crucial, you don't have to be tall, short, fat, thin, hippy, apple-shaped, flat-chested, big-boobed, young, old, fit, clever, coordinated or ANYTHING - you just have to turn up. I've found the belly community so incredibly welcoming and they celebrate EVERY woman's beauty, no matter what their age or size or what they think of themselves.

scampimom · 18/04/2018 17:13

bellydancing can also take over your life. I loved that. Making costumes, practising, costuming ideas over tea and biscuits, getting together to watch BD vidoes, shopping, all that. It's a proper community - you might find that you get a similar community thing from an am dram group or line dancing class

AnathemaPulsifer · 18/04/2018 17:17

I think you need to think of something you enjoy and drag yourself along to do it. Knitting, sewing, running, sports, crafts, book club, dancing, cookery classes - whatever floats your boat... and then suggest a coffee afterwards. I'm sure you won't be the only person there interested in making new friends.

AnathemaPulsifer · 18/04/2018 17:18

I also think this will get easier. My kids are teens now and don't want much to do with me 😀 Being caught up with young kids won't last.

nonamehere · 18/04/2018 17:19

How about your local Rotary club? They do so many different things, and you don't need to get involved in every project - just the ones you're interested in. It really can make you feel you're making a difference. And Rotarians are extremely friendly, and very diverse - definitely not old men in jackets & ties any more.

AnathemaPulsifer · 18/04/2018 17:22

it’s more than friendship I need, especially the casual relationships that things like art classes usually lead to.

Just saw I'd missed this post. Casual friendships don't have to always remain casual. And sounds like you have quite a lot of friends so maybe you just need to book multiple plans each weekend if each can only spare a couple of hours?

Or go internet dating. A friend of mine fell madly in love when hugely overweight and she's still loved up years later.

TSSDNCOP · 18/04/2018 17:23

If only all your problems could have been solved in the first 5 posts OP, how very dare you be miserable when you could be volunteering Hmm

Maybe the reason the thread sounds familiar is that there’s more than one lonely person on MN.

I found that I went through a period of loneliness OP and it really can become self-perpetuating. As others have said, maybe start a course of counselling whilst simultaneously trying something new. As the counselling kicks in it might get like when you stop needing stabilisers.

MumofBoysx2 · 18/04/2018 17:24

Love yourself! It will give you the confidence to go on a diet, and date! Join your local Slimming World group, or buy the magazines to see the life changing stories in there. You are totally not alone and will gain a huge amount of support. Things change SO much over a year/two years. This time in a couple of years you could have partner, baby, your whole life might be different! (then you might be wishing you had some 'me' time again :-) )

MadMags · 18/04/2018 17:26

I really do recommend slimming world or weight watchers, OP. I think it’ll make a difference to a few aspects of your life.

Furano · 18/04/2018 17:31

This has definitely been posted before - under several different usernames if I recall.

Agree. I recognise the opening post and the subsequent relies.

OP wants a family/relationship but doesn't want to date to try and get one. Nothing else will make her happy. Its a black hole of negativity. And round round round we go.

Original poster
greengreyandblue · 18/04/2018 17:32

Not by me, it hasn’t Hmm

OP posts:
Skiiltan · 18/04/2018 17:36

It can be worth joining online chat forums (less intense ones than Mumsnet) and getting into conversations with people, as these can lead to real-world friendships with people who already know something about you. Places like Goodreads are worth a look. I run a forum there that's largely made up of people who used to be on various Amazon customer forums before they were closed down. Several of these meet up in real life, too. I don't do real-world liaisons, because I'm a curmudgeonly old misanthrope, but I like having familiar people to converse with online. There are lots of forums in various places that work like this. If you can find one that relates to something you're interested in and doesn't have too many members (or any members who are hostile and/or obnoxious), it can be a good starting point. It's probably not a good idea to only do this, though.

Tinkobell · 18/04/2018 17:37

OP - would you have any money to travel at all? Maybe arty travel geared towards singles?
When my old granny passed away, she told me that one of her biggest life regrets was not having been able to travel...due to husband, kids, commitments etc. Her words have haunted me. I'm 47 and I've seen bugger all of this world.
TRAVEL....trust me, you will be the envy of many of your friends with kids etc!

summerinthecountry · 18/04/2018 17:38

A book club is a good way to make friends
cookery workshops
joining a gym and classes (I made at least four friends at pilates) Make sure you chat, and then when you are on speaking terms suggest a cold drink at the end, move on to lunch and then drinks/dinner/shows

Invite your old friends with dh to garden parties, sunday roast, saturday night BBQs and cook for them, when you are knackered the promise of warm food that you didn't have to cook will get most people there in a heartbeat. If you want to keep a social life with these friends you will need put the work in (for now but not always)

Host a birthday celebration for one of your friends

Walk other peoples dog as a business or favour

Volunteer in local hospital (lots of handsome doctors)

UnnecessaryFennel · 18/04/2018 17:42

Well, the OP says she hasn't posted before, and does it matter if it has anyway? No one is obliged to answer the thread. And someone in a similar position might find the suggestions useful.

OP, it's ok to feel sad about how life has panned out, sometimes. Some more counselling might be useful. But I do agree that the only thing that will change things is, well, changing things. I was on my own for a long time (ok I had ds so not quite the same as you) but it seemed all my friends were coupled up/ had 'proper' families. I made myself do stuff even when I didn't really want to. I developed my own interests. I studied, I changed my job, I got into some hobbies, I tried running and the gym and all that, even though I was shit at it, because the alternative was to sit and moulder and feel lonely and stuck. I'm not saying it's easy but it is necessary.

What do you like? There are lots of suggestions here but maybe they've not quite hit the spot yet.

steff13 · 18/04/2018 17:47

Isn't there anything you've ever wanted to try - photography, pottery, birdwatching? Take a class or join a club.

If you're looking for a partner, OLD might be the best way to go. You said you have lots of friends, do any of them have single male friends you might be interested in?

Also, meetup.com is really cool. The ones in my area include trivia nights, board gaming, craft groups, there's really something for everyone.

UnnecessaryFennel · 18/04/2018 17:48

And you totally, totally have the skill to join art classes, by the way!

I love singing. I don't have any 'skill' at it (honest, I'm not being falsely modest, almost everyone in my choir is technically far better than me), but I really love it. So, I join choirs and I sing, because just doing it makes me happy. And I make friends and we go to the pub and it's fun.

The only skill you need is the skill of turning up each week.

UnnecessaryFennel · 18/04/2018 17:50

It's worth remembering that an awful lot of people who do this stuff (classes, clubs etc) are also doing it because they feel as if things have got a bit stale and crap and they need to get out there and meet people. It's not like you're going to be the lone duffer in a class of brilliant artists who are all already each other's best mates. Most people will be feeling very much like you do. I promise!

UnnecessaryFennel · 18/04/2018 17:52

I met my dp through OLD when I was 38. However I'd gently suggest it's not always a great place for people who are already feeling a bit crap about themselves. I'd work on the other stuff first.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/04/2018 18:21

OP
I would echo what others have said about seeing the GP. Check for physical stuff too like low thyroid if your mood is low and you have put on weight.

The simple truth is that no one can fix this for you. Only you can take the step of trying something new or changing your mindset.

What would you like to do if you really really didn't give a damn what other people thought?

Almostthere15 · 18/04/2018 18:30

OP you sound really fed up. I get that it feels like people do 'family things' at the weekend. Speaking for me though I'd genuinely never think to invite a single child-free friend to some of the boring stuff we do, but if they indicated they'd love to come for a walk/museum/terrible chain restaurant with us I'd invite them like a shot. What have you got to lose?

Or as someone mentioned up thread how about planning a bbq - suggest everyone brings something- and make the meal at a sensible family time (like five) but invite people from mid afternoon.

Most people I know think of their friends as family so you wouldn't be intruding.

Please stop saying you're shit, you're not. You sound totally fed up (maybe depressed and i'd agree with the GP suggestion) and you're expressing how you feel. But I think to solve it you'll need to be brave, pick one thing a poster suggested and try it (maybe for 6 weeks) and see how you go?