Calm me down please

[Doh9899]

Boyfriend has had a party last night at his flat, fair enough, I knew it was happening. 2 couples, one married one not and his best friend went so 6 people (I couldn't go for various reasons but not an issue). They also were going to be doing some light drugs which I don't at all condone (one reason for not going) but as boyfriend and I are engaged he wanted one last night of being an idiot. He rang me up last night saying how randy he was and wanted me to come over, clearly not himself and so i spoke to his sober friend and it was pretty clear my partner was the worst off out of them all and they were trying to look after him and I could hear my partner in the background wanting the phone back saying how he loved me and told his friends we were engaged (was a secret). I agreed with his friends that my partner needed to sleep off what he'd taken as he couldn't understand why he could hear me but I wasn't there (on the phone obviously) and we arranged they'd have his phone until they left and he could call me any time after 5:30 this morning. Now I've been awake since 4:30 waiting for him to tell me he's ok but Im now worried that he may have skyped his ex because I feel that she's prettier than me after I hung up and my phone isn't even connecting when I try to call him. So please Mumsnet. Convince me hes asleep (he's also an insomniac so sleeps in late) but convince me he's not a cheat. He and his mates said how he adores me so I know I'm being paranoid but I'm still concerned

Wow, the harsh responses on here!!

Admittedly I wouldn't be with anyone if they took drugs, it's one of the first questions I ask. If however someone did do them, I'd tell them not to be around me (I found out an ex was doing it when he went out with friends).

Secondly, you can trust someone not to cheat but still worry they might. I was with someone who cheated on me whilst I trusted him. The guy I'm seeing now, understands that although rationally I know he won't, my irrational side keeps saying "but what if he does".

Your fiancée is just sleeping off the drugs, they took his phone off him so he couldn't contact anyone. He'll be in touch soon

I didn't assume anything about what you think. I asked but you didn't and haven't answered as to whether they're acceptable or not.

I find the terms you use like "get out of it" quite telling. It doesn't need to be anymore than a joint at the end of a night out with friends whereas I think you're imagining something like Trainspotting. I didn't get out of anything. I stopped when I wanted and needed to and it was easy. Tobacco took several more years.

Soft drugs do lead to harder drugs for most people. Weed > pills > coke. I think that often people stop there as the next step up to heroin, crack, meths etc is massive.

I think I've found the gap in your logic and knowledge. "drugs are far worse." Alcohol is a drug.

You can talk about regulation but my father's incredibly straight-laced friends love his plum-gin his homebrew beer is fucking awful so I don't find that argument stacks up. You can speak about legality but that seems like a strange and illogical stance as legislation varies so much and changes (weed in the US, mushrooms in the UK, weed changing classes in the UK).

To be honest any of our partners could be Skyping their exes right now and we wouldn't know. If there's no evidence that they are likely to then you have to just trust them or you'll be miserable. If he's going to cheat he will do it drugs or no drugs, ex or no ex.

I think the difficult is OP stated she does not condone drug taking, which contradicts her being told and being fine with it!

I am an ex drugs worker. Community and prison. With offenders and non offenders.

I don't think drugs are cool. I don't take them myself at this time. It's important to spread correct information however, the hysteria of 'all drugs are lethal and one joint will set you on the path to heroin it's somehow worse then alcohol despite plenty of research showing that's not the case' (as if 'drugs' are some homogenous entity of equal risk and composition) helps nobody.

But yes, it's not relevant to the thread. More a point to a PP.

I'm not sure that OP is against drugs, I mean she knew he was going to use, he did, and she still wants to marry him.

the hysteria of 'all drugs are lethal and one joint will set you on the path to heroin

That's absolutely not what anyone's said here, and more to the point it's not the indication in the OP either. The indication from OP is that her DP is a frequent recreational drugs user.

I've had the odd spliff in my time.

I don't buy the 'one last session' thing. I could eat all the Lindt bunnies produced this year and still wake up 3 days later thinking 'ooh I wonder if I have any left?'

I think the only question is whether the OP is willing to live with a drug-user. If she is then that's fine - but I don't think you can trust the 'one last time' argument.

I don't buy the 'one last session' thing. I could eat all the Lindt bunnies produced this year and still wake up 3 days later thinking 'ooh I wonder if I have any left?'

But using your example, many of us can eat a little chocolate, not get fat and happily do without except on rare occasions.

Lindt bunnies are more expensive than drugs!

Having a joint on an occasional night out isn't being 'a drug-user'. It depends on the culture that surrounded you in your teenage years, probably. Every single person I knew in college smoked an occasional joint, not one of them went on to be addicts. For most people it tails off when they settle down and have children and don't want to smoke in the house.

“one last night of being an idiot.”

Aye. Right.

And if you believe that. I’ve got a Brooklyn Bridge for sale.

It's not very fine for her potential future kids with him though, and that is something to consider. It could affect them if they have an unreliable, irresponsible parent, if he spends family money on drugs, and even more if they separate and they have to go and stay with someone who might be using.

Bet the OP is sorry she started this thread now 🤣

Got to 9.09 and I'm off. Bored

What's classed as 'light' drugs? Cannabis?

Why are you marrying a drug-user you don't trust? And no, you don't 'trust him completely' because if you did you'd be happily getting on with your life this morning while he sleeps off last night's binge, not asking for advice on here.