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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Calm me down please

117 replies

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 08:29

Boyfriend has had a party last night at his flat, fair enough, I knew it was happening. 2 couples, one married one not and his best friend went so 6 people (I couldn't go for various reasons but not an issue). They also were going to be doing some light drugs which I don't at all condone (one reason for not going) but as boyfriend and I are engaged he wanted one last night of being an idiot. He rang me up last night saying how randy he was and wanted me to come over, clearly not himself and so i spoke to his sober friend and it was pretty clear my partner was the worst off out of them all and they were trying to look after him and I could hear my partner in the background wanting the phone back saying how he loved me and told his friends we were engaged (was a secret). I agreed with his friends that my partner needed to sleep off what he'd taken as he couldn't understand why he could hear me but I wasn't there (on the phone obviously) and we arranged they'd have his phone until they left and he could call me any time after 5:30 this morning. Now I've been awake since 4:30 waiting for him to tell me he's ok but Im now worried that he may have skyped his ex because I feel that she's prettier than me after I hung up and my phone isn't even connecting when I try to call him. So please Mumsnet. Convince me hes asleep (he's also an insomniac so sleeps in late) but convince me he's not a cheat. He and his mates said how he adores me so I know I'm being paranoid but I'm still concerned

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 18/04/2018 09:29

He’s certainly not first prize in the tombola is he?

elisenbrunnen · 18/04/2018 09:30

I'm sorry his actions have made you feel insecure, OP. I hope this is 'one last fling' (until the next time)

(And it's 'hence' not hense)

Cockmagic · 18/04/2018 09:32

Please don't waste anymore time on this man.

You'd be fucking mad to marry him.

Shedmicehugh1 · 18/04/2018 09:32

He got shitfaced. At some point in the future he will probably get shitfaced again. You knew he was going to get shitfaced, he told you.

Don’t see what the problem is, if you don’t have a problem with him gettting shitfaced!

diddl · 18/04/2018 09:35

He couldn't understand how he could hear/talk to you when you weren't there??!!

Don't know whether to laugh or cry at that.

Well it would all be too much drama for me.

I couldn't be doing with someone who took drugs/drunk so much that they didn't have a clue what was going on.

louise5754 · 18/04/2018 09:36

You've said he finds you attractive not her.
He adores you.
Loves the bones of you.
Has no way of contacting her.

You've asked a question but are now answering it yourself

TheJoyOfSox · 18/04/2018 09:36

Wow!
What a catch.
Drunk, drugged up cheats.
Do not marry this man. You don’t trust him, and that is all there is to it.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 18/04/2018 09:39

maybe I shouldn't marry him but there are plenty of people who marry people they shouldn't

You don't sound mature enough to be marrying anyone

CaptainCardamom · 18/04/2018 09:40

In my 20s I didn't think drugs were bad, and I'd experimented myself, I thought everyone did and I think my attitude was normal at the time.

I have a more complex view now and it's not just that "drugs are bad". Yes in theory someone who is in control of their life could have a joint with no ill effects. I'm actually in favour of legalising some drugs as a way of making them safer.

But, I've seen too many people ruin their lives with them, and some drugs are becoming more dangerous. It is up to them, but in a marriage / family it can become a real problem as the person prioritises drugs, becomes useless/unavailable unpredictably, or just suffers the effects like paranoia or ongoing depression.

The kind of person who sees a drugs binge as a fun Tuesday night is the kind of person to avoid as a spouse.

SomeKnobend · 18/04/2018 09:40

Don't marry him.

He likes taking drugs and getting off his face. This absolutely will not be the last time. A friend's birthday happens fairly often throughout the year (depending how many friends you've got). It's not any sort of reason to do drugs, it's an excuse because he wants to do it. You can't bring a child into a relationship like this, with a dad so irresponsible, so don't waste your fertile years with him, or just any more of your precious time.

Zoflorabore · 18/04/2018 09:40

Where did it say he was smoking a joint? Apologies if I've missed that but my first thought was Coke.

Which is a different kettle of fish.

Op you sound paranoid. Do you take anything yourself?

If you've only just got engaged then I don't understand the "one last time" thing.
Do you actually believe that?

HollowTalk · 18/04/2018 09:41

If he was so out of his head that he couldn't work out that hearing your voice didn't mean you were in the room, then he was taking more drugs than drink!

I'm another who thinks you shouldn't marry him. You don't seem to be taking any notice of the fact that every single woman here is warning you that marriage will end in your tears.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/04/2018 09:41

Jesus threads like this make me so sad.

Why oh why can't people set the bar a bit higher? For fuck's sake, at the very least marry someone who is a trusted friend to you. Not a fuckwit who you clearly DON'T trust and for good reason, who subscribes to shit like 'because you are engaged he needs one more night of being an idiot'. Do you know what that means? That he sees you, and marriage, as being the boring bit he has to do now because he's a grown up. Press replay for this nonsense when you have a baby and he's whining that he just wants to be with his maaaaates.

Marry someone who actually actively sees being with you as great. As fun. As something they'd PREFER to do than acting the endless 15 year old.

Marry a grown up, not a selfish immature twat, in other words.

maybe I shouldn't marry him but there are plenty of people who marry people they shouldn't and at this stage in my life he makes me really happy

Ok, I take it all back. Marry him and have a fucking miserable time, mess up your future and your fertile years, just in order to learn your lesson. Yes people do marry the wrong person all the time. No, that doesn't mean it's ok. You do only get one life, in case that had slipped your mind.

Here are my tips.

Call off the 'engagement.' Don't tell your families you're getting married. Stay with him if you must but put a time limit on it, and if in a year your gut feeling when he's away from you in a mess is 'Is he cheating?' then dump him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/04/2018 09:42

Most of the people I've known who've used coke could still remember what a 'telephone' was for though!

To be SO out of it as to not realise that he could hear you because you were on the phone is seriously heavy duty over-use.

And it won't be the last time. Because you were 'cool' about it this time, he'll do it again, leaving you with the kids. For days.

This is your future.

LimonViola · 18/04/2018 09:43

TheJoyOfSox where does it say he cheated?

Hollow, I'm not. Im actually not sure what everyone else is reading that I can't see.

theEngineWhoCan · 18/04/2018 09:44

TheJoyOfSox

Why did you decide he's a cheat?

Is someone tipsy after some wine also "drugged up"?

For many (most?) people there's certainly a last time. Mine was a big party after uni. Since that I rarely even drink booze.

Some people have a very blinkered view of what's ok and what isn't.

LimonViola · 18/04/2018 09:46

To be SO out of it as to not realise that he could hear you because you were on the phone is seriously heavy duty over-use.

Or he was hamming it up for his friends to be funny, and something got lost in translation. After a couple (and I mean a couple, not being drunk) of drinks that's the sort of thing my friends would do while being silly, pretend 'oh my gosh why is the room spinning who are you!?' because we can act like immature kids at times and find it hilarious when we all get together.

LimonViola · 18/04/2018 09:47

Drinking and taking drugs are not right or wrong actions.

OP is clearly fine with it as she knew ahead of time he'd be doing it and still wants to marry him.

So what's the issue? It's irrelevant whether posters on MN would dump someone for taking a drug or not. Those aren't OP's values.

Gingernutsandtea · 18/04/2018 09:49

brokeForYou
My opinion about 'magic mushrooms' has never changed, so don't assume that it has.
Fair enough you took drugs and you got out of it. A lot of people don't.

'Soft drugs' can often lead on to people taking much stronger drugs, that's why I don't condone any kind of drug.
As for alcohol, yes obviously that can also lead onto some people be coming dependant on it too, but, from my own point of view, drugs are far worse.

Shedmicehugh1 · 18/04/2018 09:51

OP said ‘light drugs’ so I assumed a joint.

LimonViola · 18/04/2018 09:53

Why are drugs worse?

Have you ever seen the harm scale developed by professor Nutt for the government? Cigarettes and alcohol were in the top four.

purplelass · 18/04/2018 09:53

If I didn't want to be disturbed by my phone, I'd turn it off... just saying...

Hopefully this was all innocent and it really is a last night of stupidity and he didn't contact his ex and he can stay off the drugs for now on despite peer pressure and you live happily ever after, but you need to make sure of all of this before you commit to this guy IMO

LimonViola · 18/04/2018 09:54

Here you go www.economist.com/blogs/dailychart/2010/11/drugs_cause_most_harm

The government sacked him as they didn't like the implications of what would happen if they put his findings (that they asked for) into policy.

Juells · 18/04/2018 09:57

For many (most?) people there's certainly a last time. Mine was a big party after uni. Since that I rarely even drink booze.

Mine was sitting on a toilet, on a weekend away, thinking I was going to die, and inwardly shrieking "My children will have to live with the fact that their mother died on toilet, from drugs" 😁 I'd only smoked half a joint, but it was Afghani hash and must have had something more lethal mixed in. Never touched the stuff again. 😁

CarpetMothsFuckOff · 18/04/2018 09:57

It's not really the issue LimonViola, the issue is that the OP clearly isn't ok with him taking drugs.

For the record I'd not marry someone who smoked or drank to excess either.

The reality is also that the stats are skewed because more people abuse alcohol and cigarettes than take drugs.

I know a lot of people like to defend drugs thinking they're cool and everyone is is, like, SO boring man, but when you've worked in drug rehab, you wouldn't touch anyone who took them with a bargepole frankly.

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