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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Calm me down please

117 replies

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 08:29

Boyfriend has had a party last night at his flat, fair enough, I knew it was happening. 2 couples, one married one not and his best friend went so 6 people (I couldn't go for various reasons but not an issue). They also were going to be doing some light drugs which I don't at all condone (one reason for not going) but as boyfriend and I are engaged he wanted one last night of being an idiot. He rang me up last night saying how randy he was and wanted me to come over, clearly not himself and so i spoke to his sober friend and it was pretty clear my partner was the worst off out of them all and they were trying to look after him and I could hear my partner in the background wanting the phone back saying how he loved me and told his friends we were engaged (was a secret). I agreed with his friends that my partner needed to sleep off what he'd taken as he couldn't understand why he could hear me but I wasn't there (on the phone obviously) and we arranged they'd have his phone until they left and he could call me any time after 5:30 this morning. Now I've been awake since 4:30 waiting for him to tell me he's ok but Im now worried that he may have skyped his ex because I feel that she's prettier than me after I hung up and my phone isn't even connecting when I try to call him. So please Mumsnet. Convince me hes asleep (he's also an insomniac so sleeps in late) but convince me he's not a cheat. He and his mates said how he adores me so I know I'm being paranoid but I'm still concerned

OP posts:
Juells · 18/04/2018 09:04

Oh for god's sake, he had a joint and got a bit out of it at a party. That's all. Now he's sleeping it off. It isn't the end of the world.

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2018 09:06

FizzyWizzy - You shouldn't get married

You're insecure and he's an idiot

Spot on ^^

CaptainCardamom · 18/04/2018 09:06

he's a grown man supposedly so I can't control his actions

No you can't, and that's why it's important to avoid getting sucked in by and marrying someone whose actions are crap. Taking drugs is illegal to start with, it makes people irresponsible and useless, and it has long-term impacts on mental health. (My ex was out of his head on dope and acid for most of his 20s - he had given up when I met him, but the effects continued.)

This makes him an extremely bad bet as a husband. And you are worrying about his ex and whether you're pretty enough. Take a step back and see that you're worth a far, far better, more responsible man.

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 09:07

Juells that's exactly what it is. They were drinking more than drugs, that's why he was a bit out of it and he doesn't have his ex's number. He called me five times hense I asked his friend to take his phone as I needed sleep

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePants · 18/04/2018 09:08

I'm sorry, why is the DF not a good partner? He did some recreational drugs, on a night off, with a small group of friends, in a safe environment, called his DP to loudly proclaim his love, told all his friends that they were engaged (because he was happy to be) and is now sleeping it off at 4:30am.

Fuck me. DH should have ran for the hills when he met me if the above is what makes someone unmarriable.

OP. You need to work on your insecurities, however just getting engaged can be stressful. Next time, assume he's sleeping and don't write on MN's!

Shedmicehugh1 · 18/04/2018 09:08

If he doesn’t have his ex’s number, how on earth could he Skype?

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 09:09

He's been with me for 5 years so Its pretty obvious he finds me attractive not her, I've always been rather podgy hense the prettier concern. But no this was more me venting my stupid niggling concerns rather than looking at the actual reality of what's going on.

OP posts:
LimonViola · 18/04/2018 09:10

I'm struggling to see what the OP's fiancé has done that's so bad, I admit.

He told her beforehand he was going to have a heavy night. She knew beforehand he'd be taking drugs. He hasn't lied about any of it.

The drink/drug dialling is a bit childish but most people have done similar. He was clearly thinking about the OP, not his ex, to have told his friends they got engaged (which sounds like was a secret from family but not friends) and be calling her.

Whatever your own views on drinking and drug taking he hasn't hidden it and has been fully open with OP, who can therefore decide if this is a man she wants to be with or not.

Why are people castigating him?

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 09:10

That's the thing! I have no idea how he'd Skype her, I just know he wanted to Skype me and I said no 😂

OP posts:
LimonViola · 18/04/2018 09:11

Skype is via email address, not number. When I last used it anyway.

Shedmicehugh1 · 18/04/2018 09:12

You are concerned he has Skyped his ex, when he doesn’t have her number! Sort yourself out OP!

He got drunk and had a joint, which you knew he was doing!

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 09:12

As far as I'm aware he has no way of contacting her so I don't even know how he could

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 18/04/2018 09:14

I’m old, ive never Skyped! Someone explain Skype to me?

So you need an email address to skype?

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 09:14

I'm fully aware I'm being very unreasonable in my panic, I know he adores the bones of me and was safe with his friends and I do trust him, maybe I shouldn't marry him but there are plenty of people who marry people they shouldn't and at this stage in my life he makes me really happy

OP posts:
Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 09:17

I'm late 20's early 30's Ha ha ..which one is it ? This all sounds like childish bollocks. First part of your post read ok then it all went to pieces at the end. ex is prettier than me bla bla bla ! Get a grip.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 09:18

As far as I'm aware he has no way of contacting her so I don't even know how he could well then..what's the bloody problem !? FFS !

CarpetMothsFuckOff · 18/04/2018 09:18

If you don't condone drugs don't marry this person!!!

Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 09:19

thequeensisdeadboys I'm late 20s he's early 30s. Sorry my post sounds like crap to you but I'm actually doing things as well as typing 😂

OP posts:
Doh9899 · 18/04/2018 09:20

Oh and if you read my whole thread you'd see I admit there is no problem and that I was just venting my little niggling worries that I have and wanted to get out as I have a lot of other things to deal with too and didn't need this on my list 😂

OP posts:
Hanlonx · 18/04/2018 09:24

I understand how you are feeling,

Big hugs Flowers, he will wake up hungover/suffering and drop you a text about how he wishes you were there.

Happy Engagement! Star

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 09:24

Fair enough doh . Smile

lyracostello · 18/04/2018 09:24

Does he not have work to get to?

brokeForYou · 18/04/2018 09:25

LimonViola

and we know he's working as he booked the following day off.

"Why are people castigating him?"

Because drugs are bad, m'kay. Some people think in very discrete ways and struggle with gray areas.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 18/04/2018 09:26

he wanted one last night of being an idiot

You do know it won't be the last time, don't you?

pigmcpigface · 18/04/2018 09:28

Seriously? If he's in that kind of a state there's little chance of him being able to cheat. The high probability is that he's sleeping it all off. Why would you think there would be an update at 4.30 in the morning - people who have had a heavy night are not going to set their alarm clocks to update you.

The worry about the ex seems completely and utterly irrational, to the point that it sounds a lot like an obvious diversion from the real issue, which is his behaviour.

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