To be angry about being called names because I go out once a week

[Bedtimesnacks]

Posted about my situation last week on here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217702-Husband-getting-drunk-with-children-Going-to-have-to-give-up-on-my-dreams-Please-help

Things have moved on a bit since then. Friday evening husband decided to go to the pub sink a skin full and come home drunk and with the hump. He uses alcohol as a tool with which to be verbally and in the past physically abusive as if it's a justification. This has gone on loads over the years.

His gripe is I have a hobby I take part in once a week / once a fortnight. Sometimes I go on my own or with my brother. Other times i take one or both eldest sons.

I don't drink at home ever. Don't smoke don't do the whole ladies that lunch going shopping etc etc so this is my social outlet. Going back a few years into the relationship I had very very few friends and only went out a couple of times a YEAR. I didn't take active part in my hobby either due to my children being young. On the odd occasion I did go with my brother , husband would be off with me when I got back home . Anyway I guess it's a catch 22 the more he's been an arse to me the more I have pulled away and immersed myself in hobby once a week / fortnight and I now have (a smàll network of friends) there . The more this has happened the more he has sulker, ignored me, called me names treated me like shit.

Now I have looked to go back to work in a career (all detailed in previous thread) he has been even more funny. Is it jealous? Does he feel left out ? Am I being out of order?

Going back when my kids were young he would think nothing of taking off up the pub with no notice (I would have dinner cooked and ring to see where he is and he would be pissed up in the pub somewhere) he lost his license many years ago for DD. He's assaulted me physically on many occasions (nothing in the last 7 years since we married though) one of the times resulted in a court appearance and conviction for assault as it was a bad beating I took. Now the roles have reversed and I am the one going out all hell has broken lose. He's gone to his family slagging me off as a bad mum, says I am living the single life, don't want to be here. Poor him. How I 'dump' the kids on him to go out. He's their father ffs. What does he think I do all week when he's at work. How does he think incoped when he would be in a pub somewhere or pissed up indoors and I was trying to keep all the plates spinning and shield them as much as I could from it. Bit suddenly I am the biggest see you next Tuesday going.

I am so so angry. Our son's birthday was at the weekend and he wanted me to take him to my hobby. Husband arranged with his family for us to take the child for a happy meal and cake etc . All hell broke lose because the child wanted to do this activity with me even though I said it wasn't possible that day and we would do it another weekend. Well husband came home and recons I manipulated child into requesting this. That I have snubbed his family. And with that he had me against the wall, threw cushions at me which missed and smashed a photo frame. Spat on the floor and called me scum. Said my mum hated me. My dad didn't want me. I am a bitch,mess, fat, loser, cunt , whore , not worth the shit on his shoe as he rubbed it into the carpet . Then said he's ashamed of me as I want to be a 'screw' . This went on for several hours while I was trying to wrap the child's birthday presents. The police were called by a passer by. He was arrested and spent the night in cells before being cautioned and let go. Came back and said we need to separate. And with that he's fucked off to live with mummy. Where he can have his freedom 7 nights a week, his dinners cooked, peace and quiet and they can all slag me off as a failure and a shit wife and mother.

I feel angry, I feel so sad. He's took my dream of my job away from me as I can't do it without decent childcare and due to the hours and number of children a nanny / au pair is out of the question (also discussed on other thread) is what I am doing so bad I deserve to be called these names. Maybe I could have tried harder. My hobby makes me happy. It's only a few hours once a week and I now have some friends who make me happy too.

Please someone talk to me

Will try them then. Won't post again.

Ok, best of...

There's about 11 million people here if you need them.

You've probably got a few years' worth of anger trying to get out! Wishing you well, bedtime, we'll be here if you ever need us

He's broke his silence tonight. Clearly drunk and nearby somewhere. Asking if he can sleep on my sofa. No was my reply. No explanation. No apology for saying no. Just a simple no you cannot . Then he starts about what I am doing tomorrow . Snide comments. I am now panicking he will come here. If he does I wont let him in and I will have to get the police out to remove him from outside. Still trying to control me and get at me even from a distance. I won't be drawn into corresponding with him. Anymore and I will will block him on wattsapp to save myself the aggitation. Is this what abusers do when they can't get to you in person they randomly spring up and start their controlling nonsense when you least expect it? Never had or known him behave like this in all the years prior. It's his last grasp at control isn't it?

Yep. Do not under any circumstances let him in to sleep on the settee. He knows now it’s going to take more than the usual to bring you back into line.

You’ll struggle to get him out again.

You'll have to talk at some level, at some point, but not now.

...and possibly never again unless there's someone else (ie a counsellor) present and you feel safe and heard.

Yes op that is exactly what abusers do when they cannot get you to do as they want, don't give an inch. Block, Block, Block.

Door locked at all times and don't hesitate to call the police if he shows up. Also can you leave at a diferent(earlier) time tomorrow in case he tries to intercept you?

What on earth did you marry him for?

I’m glad you applied to the probation service as I was going to suggest that to you as it’s in the same field and they are desperate for probation service officers (unqualified version of probation officers, but essentially they do the same job!). Hours are somewhat flexible in that you could drop the kids at school and go to work after that. If you want any more info on that field pm me.

Glad for you and your kids that he’s gone! You will have a great life without him!

Hi everyone.
I was the original poster (can’t remember my log in details so had to change names)
Wanted to update on what’s happened since this thread started.
He’s stayed gone. There was no talk about him wanting to come back. In June he moved into one room in a shared house (I know the street but not the address he won’t tell me ) Isn’t able to have the kids with him as it’s not suitable so he sees them at mine once a week (twice he’s not showed up to see them however so I don’t tell them when he’s coming just in case) He’s still wearing his wedding ring and refers to me as his missus however ! Pays me £100 each week for the children . We had a holiday booked in June which i allowed to go ahead as the children were looking forward to it and he came as planned. He spoke little to me whilst away and I had to do all the diving there as he arrived for us to leave reeking of alcohol (this was at 9am in the morning and therefore not fit to drive 300+ miles)
I have been seeing a counsellor for 10 weeks which I pay for myself. Been to gp and had anti anxiety meds increased which has helped with some of the physical symptoms of anxiety I was having. I have changed the front door locks. Threw my old mattress out and brought myself a nice new one and also some other new bedroom furniture. Claimed al the benefits I was entitled to. Renewed passport drivers license etc claimed free school meals for one of my children.
Arranged counselling for eldest son through his school as he’s been playing up at school as he wants his father to come home as he believes he’s learnt his lesson and won’t behave like a cunt anymore. On the day I had problems with our son in school I rung my ex and he complained about me ringing him at work. So I sent a wattsapp outlining the action I had agreed with the school. It was an informative message to keep him up to speed at what was happening. We don’t chit chat about anything whatsoever. He read it at 15.00hrs but it took him until 00.40 to reply. I made some discoveries that he was using multiple dating sites / porn some of it absolutely repulsive and I am seriously questioning whether he is back using cocaine due to the time of some of these searches and the nature of them. He sat in the back of my car while I drove the family on holiday watching porn on xhamster (luckily he was in the rear 2 sears with no one next to or behind him) with that I decided to file for divorce on unreasonable behaviour grounds. He received the papers yesterday. Was meant to see the children last night. Didn’t bother to show up but messaged to say he would be round late to take his car keys back (cars in his name and he pays for it . I left them out under a plant pot and let him get on with it. He liked knowing he had that hold over me. He won’t be using it but would rather it sits parked unused all day than be with me. On the same day all four kids have broken up for the summer. Shows what sort of person he is)
In contrast I haven’t claimed the costs of divorce from him. I have never stopped him seeing the kids or been awkward etc. I can put my head on my pillow and know I have behaved properly throughout all this. I only changed the locks after requesting the key be returned and him refusing as he needs it for emergencies! Again all about control.
He’s never acknowledged or apologised for the way he’s treated me. He wants to get into a relationship with someone else ASAP and yes that really hurts and he has never fought for me or tired to make things better. I spent half my life with him and it’s very painful
I cry sometimes and feel very lonely and unloved .
I am very worried I have driven a couple of my friends mad with it all moaning ranting and keep on about it all. I hope they understand and still love me and will stick with me through all this. If he knows I am going out anywhere (because it’s a weekend and he would see the children so we alter the day) he will send messages saying j have dumped them with smiley faces or keep asking how they are and what they are doing. Knowing I am not with them and can’t properly answer. When there’s a problem with one of them he doesn’t ring or enquire. His family haven’t been in touch in all this time with me so who knows what line he’s feeding them. He’s got himself a nice little position as victim. Lost his wife, kids and home. Now I am divorcing him all while he wears the ring and pretends he’s sat in one room every night. His drinking drugs and sex activities are all being done in the dark so to speak.
I have had three nights out with football friends (one of them I arranged a meal for their birthday for a group of us which they all loved) I went out with another friend Saturday and Sunday night stayed at a spa with an old school friend. I am going to the races in two weeks and then football season starts again . I am trying. I am really trying

Fantastic! So brave really. Good for you

You have done so well OP. This is a fresh start for you and your DC and you have your life back.

You're doing brilliantly x

You are a powerhouse. I am in awe of you.

I can remember being told how brave I was, on here, in the early stages of separation from my very controlling and manipulative ex. And I felt like the absolute opposite. I felt weak, small, broken...

I look back now and see that I was SO strong.

One day you'll see the same.

I was 31 when I left him...
I have been happy for three years now... the first 6 months were the worst.

It's OK to hurt. You will get better x

I feel like an evil bitter wicked bitch to be honest

Women are often taught from the earliest stages of their lives that strength and anger = bitterness and wickedness.

But you're not evil, bitter, wicked. You are righteously angry for how you and your children have been treated. You are raging at the injustice of this situation.

And you're displaying strength and resolve, to the point that you have turned away from the opinions of others, away from seeking approval, and towards the truth of your own strength. That is a lonely place to be and you'll be punished for your strength, you'll be called wicked and a bitch, (Ive been there), BUT, your children will thank you for it in the end.

In the darkest times I tried to keep in focus that all the pain I was experiencing, was pain that I was sparing my children from.

When you find yourself in hell, keep walking.

What a great update.
You're doing so amazingly well and have your head screwed on - what a total bellend he is, and you're well shot of him

Thanks. He’s adamant my car is being sold
Won’t listen to reason that it’s a shared asset and financially in both our ineterests to teach an agreement over its use. His children can’t take part in various pre booked activities in the next two days as I can’t transport them there. He knows this and won’t allow me to use it for the purpose. He’s also spreading lies about me trough his family which is very hard to take and turn the other way from. I am trying to kill them all with kindness and be the better person and hopefully he will dig his own hole himself. What’s done in the dark will always come to light as they say

OP, you are amazing. Keep going, it must make you want to scream with rage and frustration, but by not reacting to his crap you are not letting him win. The whole car thing, what an arse! Don't let him see that it's upset you though.

Well I have come back. Almost 3 years after I started this to update you all.

I am up as I cant sleep... thats because I am at work on a night shift.. in a Prison and have been here almost 14 months!!

I still live in the same house.. I took him off the tenancy, told my letting agent we had split up and why and I took the tenancy over on my own.

The family car he took away from me.. well the gearbox eventually went on it!! He did let me have use of it for a while until one day he decided to start stalking me and making threats to kill me.

He was cautioned for it, I involved womens aid and he was given a 12 month non molestation order which was served without notice such was the threat to my personal safety.

He breached it twice and I reported him for it and he was taken back to court and slapped on the wrist.

He eventually met someone else and moved in with her after 7 months. Shes never met the children (hes never asked or suggested it) and has no clue about his past. He rarely sees his children now (his choice) as of today its been 13 weeks. He's tried to hide behind lockdown but he hasnt even called or facetimed them.

He still pops up now and then being awkward, bad mouthing me to my kids or doing as little as humanly possible in the way of parenting.

I did go ahead with the divorce and it was granted just over 2 years ago.

I lost 7 stone in weight (he went from calling me a fat fucking mess to an anorexic div) and I found my father after looking for 17 years. If I had stayed with him I probably wouldnt have felt able to carry on looking as he wasnt supportive of it anymore.

For a while he was right. I was living on benefits driving a shitty old car. But now i drive a car newer than his, I have a lovely home, my children are growing up and rarely mention him. The scales have finally fallen from my eldest sons eyes and hes no interest in his father.

I had to sit and let it all play out. That saying if you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves. Well its true.

I wont lie. some days are still shit and hard. I think about the abuse alot. I live every single day with his voice in the back of my head saying things to me. I have got better but I have issues with people drinking or whether they might use drugs and things like that. The annversary of that night is coming up and its starting to unsettle me. I feel sick and anxious and people mistake it for still loving him or wanting him back. Its a feeling of deep fear. That he will take everything away from me somehow. I never contact him and I am ok all the time I dont hear from him. When i do it sets me back hugely.

But thats where I am. I cannot believe I stayed so long and I wish with my whole heart knowing what I do now I had got out long long ago. Not being in a relationship isnt going to kill me. I know so many people who are trapped or with people who are miserable. There have been days , many days, I have thought about or come close to taking my own life. But my kids need me. I am all they have and their life would be screwed without me. I fought to stay with him and survive and I fought to get away so why should I do all that and then give up on life !!

Well done! I read both threads and I’m so happy for you and your children, they must be so much happier now even if it took a while.

I truly wish you all the best 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Reading this really gave me a lump in my throat. I’m so proud of you - you’re incredibly strong and brave.

Well done @bedtimesnacksisback. You have fought so hard to get where you are now. I do so hope that you are proud of what you are achieving. Some people don't manage to get this far.

I am glad your eldest son is seeing things as they really are - it must have been hard for him too, and I hope all your children live their best lives. They have you as their example. I wish you good luck, OP. You already have the courage. 🌹

Well done Op XX

What an inspiration you are and will continue to be for your kids. Well done - you’re so brave and are doing brilliantly!!! Hope you have a happy and safe and peaceful life xxx