To be angry about being called names because I go out once a week

[Bedtimesnacks]

Posted about my situation last week on here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217702-Husband-getting-drunk-with-children-Going-to-have-to-give-up-on-my-dreams-Please-help

Things have moved on a bit since then. Friday evening husband decided to go to the pub sink a skin full and come home drunk and with the hump. He uses alcohol as a tool with which to be verbally and in the past physically abusive as if it's a justification. This has gone on loads over the years.

His gripe is I have a hobby I take part in once a week / once a fortnight. Sometimes I go on my own or with my brother. Other times i take one or both eldest sons.

I don't drink at home ever. Don't smoke don't do the whole ladies that lunch going shopping etc etc so this is my social outlet. Going back a few years into the relationship I had very very few friends and only went out a couple of times a YEAR. I didn't take active part in my hobby either due to my children being young. On the odd occasion I did go with my brother , husband would be off with me when I got back home . Anyway I guess it's a catch 22 the more he's been an arse to me the more I have pulled away and immersed myself in hobby once a week / fortnight and I now have (a smàll network of friends) there . The more this has happened the more he has sulker, ignored me, called me names treated me like shit.

Now I have looked to go back to work in a career (all detailed in previous thread) he has been even more funny. Is it jealous? Does he feel left out ? Am I being out of order?

Going back when my kids were young he would think nothing of taking off up the pub with no notice (I would have dinner cooked and ring to see where he is and he would be pissed up in the pub somewhere) he lost his license many years ago for DD. He's assaulted me physically on many occasions (nothing in the last 7 years since we married though) one of the times resulted in a court appearance and conviction for assault as it was a bad beating I took. Now the roles have reversed and I am the one going out all hell has broken lose. He's gone to his family slagging me off as a bad mum, says I am living the single life, don't want to be here. Poor him. How I 'dump' the kids on him to go out. He's their father ffs. What does he think I do all week when he's at work. How does he think incoped when he would be in a pub somewhere or pissed up indoors and I was trying to keep all the plates spinning and shield them as much as I could from it. Bit suddenly I am the biggest see you next Tuesday going.

I am so so angry. Our son's birthday was at the weekend and he wanted me to take him to my hobby. Husband arranged with his family for us to take the child for a happy meal and cake etc . All hell broke lose because the child wanted to do this activity with me even though I said it wasn't possible that day and we would do it another weekend. Well husband came home and recons I manipulated child into requesting this. That I have snubbed his family. And with that he had me against the wall, threw cushions at me which missed and smashed a photo frame. Spat on the floor and called me scum. Said my mum hated me. My dad didn't want me. I am a bitch,mess, fat, loser, cunt , whore , not worth the shit on his shoe as he rubbed it into the carpet . Then said he's ashamed of me as I want to be a 'screw' . This went on for several hours while I was trying to wrap the child's birthday presents. The police were called by a passer by. He was arrested and spent the night in cells before being cautioned and let go. Came back and said we need to separate. And with that he's fucked off to live with mummy. Where he can have his freedom 7 nights a week, his dinners cooked, peace and quiet and they can all slag me off as a failure and a shit wife and mother.

I feel angry, I feel so sad. He's took my dream of my job away from me as I can't do it without decent childcare and due to the hours and number of children a nanny / au pair is out of the question (also discussed on other thread) is what I am doing so bad I deserve to be called these names. Maybe I could have tried harder. My hobby makes me happy. It's only a few hours once a week and I now have some friends who make me happy too.

Please someone talk to me

Should add during this rumpus Friday night my eldest son rung his paternal grandmother up and she could hear all this shit

You sound very matter of fact that your kids are in the middle of this shit. They’re probably going to be screwed up for most of their adult life and you sound more worried about a job, really?

He’s gone, make sure he stays gone and get your kids and yourself some support. Sort out the practicals now and focus on new job later. This man won’t stay gone.

OP sorry, that was not so much directed at you but at FASH. My post to you yourself was relief he's left, that you have the rest of your life ahead of you now to enjoy, and to change the locks. I hope things get much better for you now

She's not messed up.

You go through a mixture of emotions in this situation and different people feel different things.

Denial is one of them! Of course you're going to look for reasons to stay. The person you loved is a vile beast and you know no different because you've been with him since you were 16.

You'll make excuses without realising they're excuses. You'll hope he doesn't do it again. You'll think of the kids. You would be concerned over money.

There are so many things. But overall the most important one is your life. Don't let him take that away from you.

Vent here all you want if it means it's what you need to help you on your way to leave him.

I agree with what @normadicmother says .

Have you looked at the probation service instead of the prison service op? Hours may be better for you with childcare.

Please vent away and don’t be put off by those who don’t understand. They are lucky to not know what it’s like to be in your position and too narrow minded to emphathise.

How the hell have you stayed in this horrible relationship so long?
He's left you, so he's done you a favour, get your landlord to change the tenancy into your name, change the locks and never let him back!

Boobooboo
I suggested the same thing about probation on the last post. Consolidated/part time is very common, but I also know that to work in any such environment you have to be in a solid place yourself. It would be awful for OP to have to work with a DV perp and I think we both know how many there are in that environment, whether they've been convicted of it or not, she could end up getting revictimised. Now is a good time to refocus on self and DC make sure he stays away, maybe move closer to her mum for day to day support, then consider the career. There are always jobs in prison/probation because of the burn out factor unfortunately.

OP,
I remember your first post.

You sound like an amazing Mother and you really do deserve better in life.

You've outgrown this bully and he knows it.

Ask your self this question " would I have a relationship with this man now" as in the age you are now...............bet the answer is "no way"

Your children deserve a better life too.

Change the locks NOW and don't give up on your dreams.

To anyone asking why BedTimeSnacks stayed with him for so long, or didn't leave when he was physically assaulting her ... if only life was as simple as that.

I always considered myself a strong woman who wouldn't take shit from any man, and then I ended up in a relationship with a man who was emotionally and mentally abusive. He never hit me but my god he messed so hard with my head that I thought I was worth nothing and was lucky that he chose to be with me. It took time and good friends to help me leave him and therapy to start to come to terms with why it was NOT my fault.

BedTime, please don't listen to people who say these things. Not only is it not easy to walk away, it's more difficult when you have children, even though you probably feel guilty for not leaving so that your children don't have to see it. Also, to you and to everyone judging, you/she were sixteen at the start of the relationship. You were a child and he has been with you for half your life and all of your adult life so far. It's hard, it really is and anyone who's been anywhere near abuse knows that. You can't take back those years, but you can move on from them and you will move on from them.

Also, vent away, after all isn't that part of what this place is all about? Women listening to other women and being supportive.

Make sure that you change the tenancy to your name and get the turd to pay child maintenance. You have every right to have a hobby and every right to apply for your dream job. I'd advise you to get the locks changed so that he can't come back. Also, after having messed with your head for so long, would it not be better for you to go NC with both him and his equally appalling family.

You deserve better, OP, much better. Good luck

Please don’t allow him back in. Ask the landlord to organise taking his name off the tenancy, speak to Shelter. He will destroy your children’s childhood if you let him back in and you are only a young woman. Get yourself organise re tax credits, maintenance and that job!

I think it's good he's gone. Don't let him come crawling back.

You were thinking of some 9-5 admin jobs in a related field? That would be a good place to start while you get everything sorted properly without him and adjust to your new routines. Then you'll have a better idea of what childcare will be needed, plus your kids will be older, and you can return to your dream job...

I'm sorry the dream's likely to be postponed for a while. But it really sounds as if you're well rid.

I am not more concerned with a career than my kids. That job holds or something paying a similar salary holds the key to me keeping a roof over my head and me making something of my life which will set a good example to my children. You sound as bad as him coming out with such a think.

I am a pretty matter of fact person about most things and I am not sitting here crying about it. I am angry as explained over the cheek of these people and what has gone on. I was very different even a few years ago. I was trying to hold my family together. My feelings for him were much stronger as it was a physical thing and he never seeked to control me mentally as I didn't have friends (I was child rearing young babies ) and I barely went out as I was tired and bringing up babies / pregnant etc so none of this was a relevant factor. I grew the backbone in two ways. As I seeked to do the things I enjoy and made friends who actually liked my company and invited me to go out and about with them and didn't treat me like shit on their boots. Also last year I had a major operation and to be honest it completely changed my personality. My days of having babies are over for good now. I feel like I have become colder and harder and see things more along the lines of you only get one life and as long as you aren't hurting anyone you need to get out there and live it and seize it with both hands. It's that mentality which has seen me pull away from him. I was always the one who booked the holidays the weekends away, arranged meals out together etc etc and I basically pulled the shutters down. He has a smart phone. He can use the internet . If he wants us to go away some were what's stopping him booking it. I have done all that for 15 years and he's took the fucking piss . Sitting back coasting along knowing I will do it no matter how he treats me. And now I won't toe the line anymore he doesn't fucking like it. Think you will find it's called karma.

DM lived with an emotionally, financially and physically abusive man for nearly 50 years, until the bastard died. I didn't know what he was doing to her, she never told me.

I think in your circumstances I would be concentrating on staying away from your ex, supporting your dc through the split and healing yourself from a long and very abusive relationship. You have your entire life to change career, your dc will have been very negatively affected by your abusive relationship and they need your support now.

The career that you are keen to enter is not an environment to enter whilst you are emotionally vulnerable, which you will be! Especially right after a marriage break up, particularly an abusive marriage, where you have been an emotional and physical punchbag for so many years. In a way, try to look at this as a blessing, it will allow you the opportunity to recover, to work on yourself through taking part in the freedom program, as well as to access counselling and develop regular boundaries, after years of having your boundaries trod on, until you didn't know if up was down, or black was white.

Your children will be even more vulnerable and could face the wrath of their Father if he tries to use them to get back at you! The last thing your children need is their Mummy/ Mum away from them for weeks at a time during this process. Especially if he is the only alternative childcare! Your children are young just now and vulnerable, they need you, you can look at training to be a prison officer once they are older and you have more childcare options.

I hesitate to say this and in no way want to rubbish your dreams, however, knowing several prison officers, I do question whether you are the right person to be placed in amongst hundreds of abusers. Unfortunately, you take your work home with you, it can be traumatising, distressing, angering and can cloud you in a fog of darkness, until you reach the point where you question whether there is actually any good left in this world. Don't get me wrong, some people love the job and are good at leaving the bad aspects behind at work. Others can be negatively impacted, to the point that it can affect their moods, as well as their mental health, impacting on their partner or children.

Have a look at this link, it lists the different types of abusers which is from the book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Which is a book that I think every woman should read!

protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2015/06/15/family-court-abusecorruption-abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/

I would also contact woman's aid for support and advice on local solicitors with experience of divorce/ custody cases with an abusive spouse within your local area.

Just read this. In your last post you sound very strong op. Good. I bet he doesn't like that one bit. Fuck him, he is an utter waste of space. I don't know him and hate him.

You're the third person I've posted this to today but it's equally as relevant for you as them.

You should call Women's Aid <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.womensaid.org.uk" target="_blank">https://www.womensaid.org.uk

I'd also highly recommend you read this.

<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwdonline/lwd/i02.htm" target="_blank">http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwdonline/lwd/i02.htm

It's the online version of the book Living with the Dominator. See if you recognise DH. I'd put money on you thinking Pat Craven has met him.

I know lots of people are saying "I'd never allow that, kick him out, do this, do that" but it's not that easy is it? He's done a real number on you over the last few years. Women's Aid can help.

He is an abuser. And you and your kids will be suffering even more than you realise.

It doesn't have to be this way 

Please will all the posters stop asking Bedtime why she did not leave him years ago, why she married him when knowing he was violent, how irresponsible she was to have children with him etc etc. None of you who have asked the above questions has ever experienced DV.

Bedtime. Our stories are quite similar. I met mine when I was 27 in 1994. He hit me three months after we met. We married in 1999 and in those passing years the violence had continued. It wasn't regular, probably about 4 or 5 times a year. He'd kick me, spit at me, biting was his favourite and twisting my neck and pulling my hair. I am 5' 3" he was/is 6' 2". In between attacks life was normal. He spoilt me rotten on special occasions and told me I was a piece dog shit and that everyone I knew had died they were so desperate to get away from me, on other occasions. I had a son and daughter (now 15 and 12) but he hit me in front of them only once and I called the police and he was arrested. He never ever touched me again.

It took me exactly half my life to get rid of him (last year) and incredibly I still gave him another chance until just a few months ago. I've spent 24 years with him and I'm now 51. Although the violence stopped the emotional abuse never did and I promised myself that by 50 I would be free. I almost made it.

You have a great opportunity now to be free. He has done this I guess to squash your dreams but let him think that. Keep him out now!

You cannot understand domestic violence unless you have lived it and it is almost impossible to explain why you stay, I still can't.

Some people are ruined by it, confidence ruined, life almost finished by it. I am not one of those thank god. I am tough and strong and so are you Bedtime, that is very obvious.

Massive hug to you! Don't let half your life be 25 years like me. PM me if you wish, anytime x

Thanks for all the replies which I have read. Fell asleep for a bit and now wide awake and can't get back to sleep. Had an upset tummy the past two nights as well. My children go back to school today so the first thing I will do is speak to each of their teachers and give them a heads up as to what has happened so they are 1. Not taken aback if children mention police etc 2. Can keep an eye and report back any concerns

On a personal level for me once they are at school of a day this is where I need to be really careful. I have had depression and anxiety issues in the past and when under the cosh mentally or emotionally tend to come home and take to my bed to try and sleep my way through the pain. Which usually makes the sinking feeling even worse and plunges me darker and deeper into isolation. Maybe as the weather is going to be nice this week it will help me to keep outdoors and maybe do my couch 25k outside or go to the gym and just shut out the world for a bit on a treadmill.

Hi bedtime, hope you got some sleep, we are all wishing you well for today and the rest of your life

@pickingdaisies. Got3 hours. Woke up at 2 and was awake in between trips to the loo all night until 5.30 where I drifted off for two hours. Feel like the walking dead today and my tummy is so sore from the chronic cramps and diarrhea.

Taken children to school they went in without any problems . They are quieter but seem calmer and more under control behaviour wise at the moment .told their teachers privately what had happened so they can keep an eye etc etc . Eldest son is home as he suffers migraines and was as sick as a dog all of last night after playing out with friends.

I feel so alone. So flat and so so lonely

I haven't been through what you're going through, but plenty of people on here have given what looks like good advice. Maybe now you can contact a friend, or sit down with a cup of tea and go through this thread, and figure out what you need to do now. Right now. ((Hug))

Don't let him back in.
Don't let him back in.
DONT LET HIM BACK IN!
Your life is a bit Jeremy Kyle like, because of him. His family are just as bad. Divorce straight away. Don't expect ANYTHING from him, you will NEVER get it. No money, no help with the kids, nothing. Anything you ask for, he will throw it back in your face and gloat. Move house. Get a new job - go and talk to the prison service. Don't stop chasing this, even though it could take a bit longer than anticipated. Also ask about part time hours.
DONT LET HIM BACK IN. It will be hard but honestly, you're deluded if you think he can give you anything worthwhile. He can't. He needs help for his alcoholism but YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT the person who can help him with this (let his mum try instead).
DO NOT BLOODY WELL LET HIM BACK IN. You're stupid if you do, deluded. You have this opportunity, take it. You're only 32. I was shocked by this, actually, you sound like you're in your fifties. He has aged you. Get out and stop wasting time on an alcoholic. Show some good judgement (which you'll need if you're a prison officer).
And Lastly. DONT LET HIM BACK IN! Good luck. You can do it.

You definitely CAN do it. I think I saw a post you made supporting someone else in a similar situation. You sounded so calm and strong. Be that person for yourself now. Keep some of that anger to energise you, I know how hard it is to do ANYTHING when you feel so flat, but you need to do this. Your children are already calmer, so do it for them too.

Hope you're ok, please post on here if you need to talk, vent, whatever xx