To be angry about being called names because I go out once a week

[Bedtimesnacks]

Posted about my situation last week on here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217702-Husband-getting-drunk-with-children-Going-to-have-to-give-up-on-my-dreams-Please-help

Things have moved on a bit since then. Friday evening husband decided to go to the pub sink a skin full and come home drunk and with the hump. He uses alcohol as a tool with which to be verbally and in the past physically abusive as if it's a justification. This has gone on loads over the years.

His gripe is I have a hobby I take part in once a week / once a fortnight. Sometimes I go on my own or with my brother. Other times i take one or both eldest sons.

I don't drink at home ever. Don't smoke don't do the whole ladies that lunch going shopping etc etc so this is my social outlet. Going back a few years into the relationship I had very very few friends and only went out a couple of times a YEAR. I didn't take active part in my hobby either due to my children being young. On the odd occasion I did go with my brother , husband would be off with me when I got back home . Anyway I guess it's a catch 22 the more he's been an arse to me the more I have pulled away and immersed myself in hobby once a week / fortnight and I now have (a smàll network of friends) there . The more this has happened the more he has sulker, ignored me, called me names treated me like shit.

Now I have looked to go back to work in a career (all detailed in previous thread) he has been even more funny. Is it jealous? Does he feel left out ? Am I being out of order?

Going back when my kids were young he would think nothing of taking off up the pub with no notice (I would have dinner cooked and ring to see where he is and he would be pissed up in the pub somewhere) he lost his license many years ago for DD. He's assaulted me physically on many occasions (nothing in the last 7 years since we married though) one of the times resulted in a court appearance and conviction for assault as it was a bad beating I took. Now the roles have reversed and I am the one going out all hell has broken lose. He's gone to his family slagging me off as a bad mum, says I am living the single life, don't want to be here. Poor him. How I 'dump' the kids on him to go out. He's their father ffs. What does he think I do all week when he's at work. How does he think incoped when he would be in a pub somewhere or pissed up indoors and I was trying to keep all the plates spinning and shield them as much as I could from it. Bit suddenly I am the biggest see you next Tuesday going.

I am so so angry. Our son's birthday was at the weekend and he wanted me to take him to my hobby. Husband arranged with his family for us to take the child for a happy meal and cake etc . All hell broke lose because the child wanted to do this activity with me even though I said it wasn't possible that day and we would do it another weekend. Well husband came home and recons I manipulated child into requesting this. That I have snubbed his family. And with that he had me against the wall, threw cushions at me which missed and smashed a photo frame. Spat on the floor and called me scum. Said my mum hated me. My dad didn't want me. I am a bitch,mess, fat, loser, cunt , whore , not worth the shit on his shoe as he rubbed it into the carpet . Then said he's ashamed of me as I want to be a 'screw' . This went on for several hours while I was trying to wrap the child's birthday presents. The police were called by a passer by. He was arrested and spent the night in cells before being cautioned and let go. Came back and said we need to separate. And with that he's fucked off to live with mummy. Where he can have his freedom 7 nights a week, his dinners cooked, peace and quiet and they can all slag me off as a failure and a shit wife and mother.

I feel angry, I feel so sad. He's took my dream of my job away from me as I can't do it without decent childcare and due to the hours and number of children a nanny / au pair is out of the question (also discussed on other thread) is what I am doing so bad I deserve to be called these names. Maybe I could have tried harder. My hobby makes me happy. It's only a few hours once a week and I now have some friends who make me happy too.

Please someone talk to me

You've wasted enough years on this violent piece of shite. Don't waste more.

To be clear I mean don't let him back, you make the decision, take back control. He will try and come back. Try and move closer to your mum, there are always prison officer vacancies trust me

You are only 32!! So young. Your whole life is ahead of you. You WILL have the job of your dreams. You WILL have safety and fulfilment. You CAN and WILL. You have been with him up until now. Your life starts now. Without him. Welcome to the future. That man is a disgusting, blight on your life. A moron and abuser. I’ve been there. It doesn’t have to stay that way.

I think if your self esteem is this low you need lots of support to pul yourself up.

Thankgod for mumsnet

This is awful OP but he has done you a favour by leaving. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. If you lose out on your career for a short time it will be worth it in the long run. He has no right to treat or talk to you like that and you are so much better without him. Please please do not let him back (which I fear he will try to do)

@literydevil it's the second post. I can't help what other posters do . Nowhere have i displayed i am taking him back and ignoring the advice here. This is the only place I can vent and post and get all this off my chest

Change the locks now!!! Call women’s aid.

I'm so pleased he's gone Op. Change the locks. Call the prison and buy yourself a few months time to get sorted. Things are on the up.

Ignore the posters that are getting cross that you are like other posters, you aren’t here to entertain them, if they don’t like the fact that you haven’t gained strength yet it’s shame on them not you. Take it an hour at s time, then a day, then a week, month and year and it will get so much easier the longer you are aware from this monster of a man, you deserve to be happy, your children deserve to be happy. From a practical point of view, you need to get some legal advice and take your time deciding what you want. When you were 16 you were a girl, you’re now a woman of course you’ve changed, you grown up and away from him, this is good, use that strength of the woman you have become to move on, whatever your future holds. You will experience immense freedom and look back on this and be glad you walked away, if not for you, your children. I really wish you all the best.

Vent here all you want. I read some of your last thread and all of this one and it does seem as though his behaviour has escalated very quickly. You have so much life left to live. I know things seem hard now but they will get better. You might not believe this just at the minute, but he has unwittingly done you the biggest favour of your life. You have a chance to be happy and to live on your own terms. Please take it.

So sorry to hear this OP. I posted on your other thread. What an utter bastard.
I hope you already know, this is NOTHING to do with your hobby, your career, or any other choices you make.
It is all about him and his need to be in control of you. That’s how abuse works. If it wasn’t this it would be something else, because he is the problem, not you.

I don’t know what to advise about your job, I wish I did, but you need him out of your life.

This is a man who should have been dumped years ago (certainly after the first physical assault) and whom you definitely shouldn't have continued having children with. That's irresponsible of you, I'm afraid, to consider bringing up children in this sort of toxic relationship. However, tomorrow is another day and you can start afresh. Please don't make the same mistakes again.

Please don’t be put off by posting. It takes years sometimes to bite the bullet and finally get rid of lowlife pieces of shit. Your confidence is probably at ground level but you can do this. And if it means putting plans on hold for 6 months / year until you’re on your feet, then it’s time we’ll spent. You’ve already spent probably 15 years 11 months, 3 weeks, 6 days and 30 seconds too long with this monster (I’m attributing the positive 30 seconds on the conception of your DC)

Don’t let him rob you of any more time. Fwiw, I’m v jealous of your new career, I would love to do that and I think you’ll make an excellent PO, you’ve had hands on experience of the worst kind of person and risen above it. Good luck xxx

You're only 32, young enough to make a new life for yourself without him dragging you down. When a friend left an abusive relationship she told me that she used to visualise herself under water with a concrete block tied to her feet, she'd reach down and cut the rope, the concrete block would drop off and she'd bob to the surface.

What the others have said. He’s abusive and has done you the favour of not needing to get him out. Ring Women’s Aid and get legal advise.

Do not let him wheedle his way back in. He’s gone, keep him gone.

Right, you've achieved the first stage of last post's steps - the bastard is gone.

You may not be able to do the prison service job right now, due to the kids being young, but scoring points like that shows you that when the time is better you will be absolutely fine, and actually things are looking good for a different job in the time being. Its not true at all that they will take anyone - why do you think they have the training and the assessments. They may be desperately short staffed but the opposite is probably nearer - its because they WONT just take anyone and there are not enough people who make the grade.

This millstone round your neck has been holding you back for years. And yes, he is jealous and probably an insignificant little worm, which is why he tries to batter you down with his words, his drinking and his fists, because you are too good for him. And he knows that if you see what life has for you out there, you are going to fly. And now you can. You are young and you have plenty of time to succeed.

Sometimes the rubbish takes itself out

This 'man' has given you a gift, you're young enough to bounce back from this and find someone who will treat you with love and respect - if you want to find somebody else, that is.

I think this is the beginning of something great for you, even if it might not feel like it right now.

It's him - don't doubt yourself.

He's assaulted me physically on many occasions (nothing in the last 7 years since we married though

He assaulted you and you still married him!

Re your childcare issues. Friend who works in a different country to her dc has 2 live in nannies. Friend is divorced so only comes back every fortnight for a flying visit, dad has them the other weekends.
Could you do something similar.

Some people don't have a network of people who they can trust to talk to about their problems and on here they can be anonymous. If someone is suffering domestic abuse as this woman has for 16 years and she wants to vent here, who are we to tell her she shouldn't because she's not taking the advice? She can do what she likes with the advice/support she gets. Leaving an abusive spouse is a process that can take various amounts of time and routes. Maybe she isn't brave enough to leave him yet but this support is building her up.

Quite normal in these situations to be in denial about how bad it is/whether you did something to cause it. This man is physically and mentally abusing you and he will not change. You have so much opportunity ahead of you if you can get rid of him and his horrid family.

My heart breaks that you have endured this for so long. Well done for sticking to your hobby despite his attempts to stop you. Continue with that sentiment and you're on the road to achieving your dreams.

To be very blunt, you are extremely messed up, so messed up that you can't see the wood for the trees.

Please start to recover by contacting a help agency. There is nothing positive to be gained by even attempting to have contact with your ex, the only way forward is to confront your reality and take little steps towards building a good life.

Women's Aid?

You need professional support to recover and rebuild. Please don't delay, your life can be so much more than this.

You were brave to go against his, frankly evil sounding, acts of control.
You were brave to follow your hobby, makes friends and go for that new career, even though you knew he would envelope you in a shitstorm for doing so.

If you can do that after putting up with his shit for sixteen years, you can do anything
You are only 32, you have time to start again.

He sounds like an evil bastard, yes EVIL.
I hope you don't let him come back, he doesn't deserve you.

Get in touch with the Child Maintenance Service immediately.

What an evil man OP. I cannot even begin to express how much better your life is going to be now. He is a terrible man, truly terrible.

Things are going to be hard and you are going to have to be strong but you will make it and succeed and you will be so much better without this absolute shit ruining your life.