Choosing to be single for life

[Singlelife]

Just that really, anyone? I'm early 30s with DCs. Love my life, love coming home from work, put my DC to bed, have a nice soak and then read, watch TV do whatever I want. Love not having to compromise anything, or take anyone's feelings into consideration except for my DCs. Left ex some years ago and decided to focus on myself and the DCs.

The thing is, I'm a Muslim and being involved with another man again means I have to get married. There's no one night stands, friends with benefits, dating. Nope, nada. Just straight up marriage. That's the only downside really, I do miss intimacy and affection.

So has anyone chosen to be single? And how long have you been single?

So what happens when your kids leave home? Having been the centre of your worlds for years and years do you not worry that life will be very empty

No. I’m quite happy in my own company.

I don’t believe I need a partner to fill my life

After deciding I have appalling taste in men I've decided to stay single too. My marriage ended 6 years ago, 2 DCs. Reunited with an old flame for 15 months and was blessed with my now 3yo. Don't regret that at all. Tried OLD and after a couple of false starts I met someone I thought was wonderful but turned out to be a very subtlety abusive and manipulative man child who I dumped several weeks ago. I've decided to be on my own and concentrate on my 3 children. I don't need a man, nor do I particularly want one. My parents had a codependent relationship and were married 54 years before my dad passed away. I internalised their relationship values even though I fought against how my mum and us were treated. They loved each other very much despite everything and my dad was a very difficult man at times. Feel very disloyal saying that but my view of relationships is skewed because of them. Maybe once the children have grown I'll look again for someone to share my life with but for now I'm enjoying that lack of having to compromise. I love having my bed to myself, not having shite on the tv that I have to endure, not having my taste in music ridiculed or have to listen to dreary shoe gazing shite all the time. There's no pubes on the bathroom floor, no dirty clothes left all over the place, no snoring, no farting, no drooling on my pillows or long toe nails scraping against my legs in bed. It's very liberating and I love it!

I'm 35 this year. No DCs through choice. I've never been married although had several LTRs. Frankly I often feel like I've dodged a bullet.

I will be first in the queue when they invent male sex robots.

I am very happy with my single life. My life is a thousand times better since I separated from my husband. I love being in control of my world, my home, my money, my time. I love choosing who (and when) to spend time with. I love not having to skate on thin ice around someone else's moods and whims. I love not having to worry about scheduling something which my other half will back out of at the last minute. I like being able to watch what I want on TV, read books without being accused of being antisocial, choosing not to have to drink alcohol every night. I love the fact that I can choose what values to instil into my daughter and don't have a constant moral tug of war with someone else about it. I not being mithered by someone else about the state of the house and the quality of my childcare.

I guess its possible that if I'd ever had a really optimal relationship I could have done so without these things being impinged upon. But I have yet to have a relationship which hasn't impinged upon me. In my experience, after the honeymoon period has worn off the joy in being with someone else is rapidly subsumed into monotony and resentment.

I wouldn't rule out having another committed relationship with someone if they were totally compatible with me and didn't require me to compromise mine or my daughter's lives in any way. But if no-one like that shows up I'm totally OK with that.

crispbutty to your point: it sounds as if your friend's problem wasn't that she didn't have a relationship but that she expected her son to be grateful for the "sacrifice" she made by not having a relationship. In other words, his problem wasn't that his mum was single, it was that his mum was a martyr.

To put it simply, do whatever makes you happy. If you want to be single go for it.

I'm 45 and I've been single for 16 years with a dd about to turn 17. I had been with my exh since the age of 17 and hadn't really dated before him and made the decision when he left to stay single. I tried dating sites for a little while early on but never ended up with any actual dates out of it and once even got abuse for even mentioning I had a child on my profile (apparently no men want to date women with a kid ). I had 1 single date with a friend of a friend that was a disaster and decided that was it, never again. I just can't be bothered with the hassle of it all, and having to compromise. I like doing what I want, when I want and not having to answer to anyone. Whether I'll change my mind at some point once my dd has left home I don't know, but for now, I don't want it. I don't even miss sex, the only thing I really miss is having someone handy around to do stuff at home. And let's be honest, we can pay someone to do that stuff lol.

PinotMwah, I suspect you are right to be honest but I know she also regrets what she now sees as missing out on so many chances when she was in her younger years. (She was in her early 30s when she became single parent to a young child) and is now 50.

I don't think being alone is preferable to a loving relationship

I'm glad you're so happy, Addicted.

It would be daft to say I'm absolutely, 100% certain I'll stay single forever. But I can say that my single life sets the bar so high that I doubt anyone could ever reach it, let alone jump over it!

(And if they did, I think my first thought would be "Oh hell..."

I am in my 50s and I have never married or lived with a partner. I have not had a 'relationship' (other than FWB type stuff or hookups) for nearly 20 years. And that's wonderful - I feel quite lucky and quite proud of it. I am someone who really, really doesn't want to have a partner. I like a lot of time to myself.

Also, studies have shown over and over again that being single is better and more enjoyable for women, while being in a couple-relationship is better and more enjoyable men (predominantly because a man in a relationship gains a servant, pretty much, whereas the woman becomes a servant).

Empress "t would be daft to say I'm absolutely, 100% certain I'll stay single forever"

Not daft, I know I will be

Being single is vital to my happiness.

Early 30s. Been single 7yrs. Never been more content or happy. I have hideous taste in men though. Listening to my friends/workmates/acquaintances constantly moan about their partners makes me feel a little bit more happy & smug . Obv not for everyone due to the amount of comments I get "have you met a man yet". They are shocked when I say Iv never been happier. I love my single life.

I am in my early fifties and have been single for 15 years. I won’t ever have another relationship.

I will confess to moments of sadness feeling lonely, unwanted, unloved and unlovable. But the thought of actually being with someone fills me with horror. I have had my share of hurt and rejection for one lifetime.

TBH sometimes I th8nk it would be better to be single.... men can be huge hassle, sometimes I’ve even thought about being a lesbian. At l3ast with someone on the same wavelength as me.

On another note my mum has been single 14 years has no intentions of getting a man,

I love having my bed to myself, not having shite on the tv that I have to endure, not having my taste in music ridiculed or have to listen to dreary shoe gazing shite all the time. There's no pubes on the bathroom floor, no dirty clothes left all over the place, no snoring, no farting, no drooling on my pillows or long toe nails scraping against my legs in bed.

Oh god yes, I remember that! Especially being ridiculed for going to bed at 8-9pm after putting the kids to bed after an exhausting day with the gigantic man child doing nothing to help. He just couldn’t fathom how a “grown up” could go to bed at 8-9pm and would call me boring for not sitting down and watch one of his horrible movies.
Now I go to bed at 9pm and will sit in my bed and read with a nice cup of tea, pure bliss.

Oh gosh yes PinotMwah I love everything you’ve listed about single life. Especially not having to argue about how to discipline the DCs!
*
So what happens when your kids leave home? Having been the centre of your worlds for years and years do you not worry that life will be very empty.*

Well crispbutty I know people ahem ex MIL, whose whole life revolved around her DCs, now I’m not saying that’s wrong but I believe it’s really important to have a life outside your DC. So you don’t go in 20 years time boo hoo, now that the DCs have flown the nest what do I do now? Once the DC left Ex MIL had no friends, no hobbies, no job nothing. The key is to work on yourself before the DCs leave home, work on your friendships, hobbies, career. So when the DCs are all grown up, you will have a fulfilling career, friends, hobbies etc. And you will get to do the things you couldn’t do before, travel and work abroad etc .

When I was younger I was really in love with my ex , and used to say to him” oh I can’t live without you”. Looking back it’s so stupid because I can and I will.

It’s so liberating to know that if you have a relationship in the future and it doesn’t work for some reason, it’s ok because you can cope being on your own, in fact you thrive on your own.

Like Empress my standards are so high now I’d be surprised to find a man who ticks all the boxes

Like Empress my standards are so high now I’d be surprised to find a man who ticks all the boxes

This!! Unless he's Tom Hardy, he's not getting a look in

Exactly Jael. Things would be completely different if I didn't have DCs, then I would purposely be looking for a man. But I got my DCs now, so glad I had them young and a nice peaceful single life. Why mess with that? I'm so glad I've found like minded people, because some of my friends don't understand. It's like they feel sorry for me, but I'm happy, happier than I ever was in my marriage

When my children have flown the nest I plan on travelling and doing all my bucket list things if I can afford to. I might have a golden years romance. But I really can't see me ever living with anyone again. Sure, if the fairytale ending were true then I'd love it(maybe) but it isn't is it so I'm happy on my own.

I just don't know if I can be arsed with those faults and bad habits.

That's me! YANBU and obviously your faith is a part of who you are too.

You sound grounded and happy!

I'm approaching 40 and have been single since 2004. I've dated a few times since then, but have been far happier single and two years ago gave myself permission to give up dating entirely. I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted.

I find people who say "you'll find someone" or "there's still time" so frustrating - I don't want to find someone! I love my life.

I'm not single, married with no intention of becoming single (hoping he is thinking the same). But I have had discussions with my dd 18 about life and relationships, and I said to her if anything happened between dh and myself then I'd remain single with no intimacy for the rest of my life.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with it at all and at 50 the thought of dating or short term flings fills me with horror and not something I'd entertain.

It may be news, but with approx 1.3bn muslims in the world, we are not all the same. So for people who say "Well I know a muslim person who does date etc..." well that's a choice for them, and is nothing to do with Singlelife 's wish or choice. A bit like "I know a muslim person who drinks alcohol.."

and in answer to your question, OP? I was a single male for 10 years. Until marriage last year. Hurray!

But I also found the 'not putting up with someone else's stuff' (and yes woman have stuff) quite nice.

Being single is vital to my happiness.

Oh, it's vital to mine too - not to mention my mental health. I think I'd find living with people suffocating.

I'm just recognising that there's a fractional, minimal, way-out-there chance that I might at some point meet a woman I couldn't bear not to live with. But I really hope that doesn't happen because I love my life far too much the way it is!

I am lucky enough to have a really strong marriage but my husband has late stage cancer and in all likelihood will pass away in the next few years. I know I’m likely to be single by the time I’m 50 and I’ve no problem with that at all. I’m married because I met the right man but I was extremely happy being single and I enjoy my own company. I’ve a good job, amazing children and I’ll be financially secure and as my children grow up I’m looking forward to building my career, travelling, buying a little cottage when they leave home and enjoying myself. Whilst I might have a relationship here or there I’m extremely comfortable with the idea of being single again and have no intention of living with or marrying someone else. Obviously I hope that a miracle will happen and DH will be here for a long time, but if not then I’ll be embracing single life