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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to get a divorce in my 20’s?

85 replies

forgiveandforgetyou · 15/04/2018 18:36

Sorry this is long.
I have not been married for very long. I don’t know what to do, whether I should stay with Dh or leave.

Dh and I are happy sometimes. We have a laugh, go out with our friends and he is occasionally romantic. But he can also be selfish and neglectful. He never puts me first.

Today, for example I am ill. Just a cold but a bad one. I have a banging headache, earache, sore neck, feel hot and cold and got a weird rash. I am so achy and whenever I stand up I feel faint. He knows this. Finally made it downstairs at about midday and my heart sank. Nothing had been done and realised I needed to clean.

Dh was doing some work. I asked Dh if he would do some cleaning and he said it was already clean and nothing needed doing. He said if I could tell him what to do he would do it. I explained I haven’t got the energy to think about this, I just see what needs doing and I do it. No one tells me what needs doing! I have just about managed to do the basics myself before going back to bed. He reluctantly helped clean the bathroom but ended up asking me what to do constantly and flushing kitchen roll down the loo as he had no idea you could not do this. He listened to me hoover for about 20 minutes to the point of exhaustion and not once thought to take over.

Another key issue is that when I bring up having children he strops off and says he doesn't want to talk about it. When he does speak it is never serious. He says things like ‘I guess we will have a kid if you want one’, and that ‘he will be ready when he gets bored of going out, having a life and having fun’. He has kids already from a previous relationship but only has them half the time. I have already made sacrifices for this lifestyle. This was ok when I didn’t know I was with a selfish man child but it is not ok anymore.

I know no one is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect relationship where you are happy all the time. This is where I am questioning myself. I just feel like running away where no one knows me and no one will judge me. What should I do?

OP posts:
ScipioAfricanus · 15/04/2018 18:39

Do you love him?

HumpHumpWhale · 15/04/2018 18:41

Better to get divorced in your 20s than stick it out unhappy until your 40s and divorce then.
It may be salvageable. But you'd both need to want to make it work and he doesn't sound great, tbh.

Original poster
forgiveandforgetyou · 15/04/2018 18:41

Yes but I don't like him when he behaves like this.

OP posts:
Henrysmycat · 15/04/2018 18:43

Sounds like a catch. Not. I’m not going to say “do this it that” but 20’s with no dependants is far too young to put up with shit like this and “if you want kids” rubbish.

NellytheElephant18 · 15/04/2018 18:43

Get outta there!

AnotherOriginalUsername · 15/04/2018 18:43

Why did you marry him in the first place? Hmm

DairyisClosed · 15/04/2018 18:44

Leave him immediately l. Absolutely don't have children. He seems absolutely horrible and you will quickly resent him once you have children and he does nothing. You are still young enough to start over. Go and do it.

MeanTangerine · 15/04/2018 18:45

If he doesn't change, what will your life look like in 10, 15, 20, 50 years?

(the chances of him changing are approx .0000001)

Finally, I have to ask - did you discuss having kids before you got married?

Sunnyshores · 15/04/2018 18:45

I just feel like running away where no one knows me and no one will judge me

Is this your biggest reason for not divorcing him? If so, its no-ones business other than yours and if people really care about you they will want you to be happy. Surely being divorced (for any reason) isnt judgeworthy these days.

NameChangedForThisQ · 15/04/2018 18:45

I divorced in my 20s best thing I ever did Grin your life is for you to enjoy and is your responsibility. You're not trapped. You are free to leave if that's what's best for you

NameChangedForThisQ · 15/04/2018 18:46

ANOTHER Really not helpful

StringandGlitter · 15/04/2018 18:47

“When someone shoes you who they really are. Believe them”.

Grendelle · 15/04/2018 18:47

Agree with Nelly. If he never puts you first that speaks volumes. What would it take for him to stop being so self-centred? Next time something like this happens let the house get messy and he can see for himself all the effort you are putting in. Chores should be shared. Not lumped on one person! You aren't tied down with kids and are still really young...

StringandGlitter · 15/04/2018 18:47

Bugger *shows

Original poster
forgiveandforgetyou · 15/04/2018 18:48

Is it that easy though? I feel like everyone will judge me and what if I don't find someone else Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
forgiveandforgetyou · 15/04/2018 18:49

Yes we did talk about it before getting married

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/04/2018 18:49

Divorce or not you need to get out of the "must do housework" mindset when you're feeling dreadful. Nothing terrible would have happebed if the bathroom had remained uncleaned or the floor unhoovered for an extra day or two whilst you recovered. Yes housework should be shared but you were martyring yourself and that was your decision.

onlyanothernamechange · 15/04/2018 18:49

I think the cleaning issue is a red herring. If you felt really ill you should've just gone to bed. Cleaning can wait and you say your DH was working not just lazing around.

However the children issue is pretty major and if you can't agree on this I don't see how there is any way forward.

Pecanpickles · 15/04/2018 18:50

Gosh life’s too short for that nonsense!! If he left you, would you be sad or relieved? Would you be happier single? If so- divorce it is!

tigerrun · 15/04/2018 18:50

Yep, why did you marry him, seriously? Also you say he already has kids but wants to put off having more kids until he has finished having fun!?

So presumably, once he realised that he couldn't be a self-centred prick & have the world revolve around him he walked away from responsibility the first time because he "wanted to go out, have a life and have fun" rather that, you know, actually be a parent...what a catch you have yourself there. Please don't have kids with him.

My advice would be to get out fast and get yourself a decent man, this one is definitely sub-standard..

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2018 18:51

Of course you wouldn’t be wrong to get divorced in your twenties. You’d be wrong to stay in a relationship if it makes you unhappy.

What did you discuss about children before you got married? Hopefully you did discuss it. Has he changed his mind and is reluctantly willing to agree to one if you make him? That’s no way to approach your future.

The cleaning thing seems a bit of a red herring. No, you shouldn’t have to write him a list of what needs doing, your his wife not his boss or his mother. But did it need doing there and then? Why on Earth were you hoovering if you’re so I’ll you feel faint when you stand up? That’s martyring yourself and it’s pointless. If I had an awful cold I wouldn’t want anyone hoovering and making a racket cleaning, never mind be doing it myself.

But is the issue that you don’t feel he ever usually does enough? Or do you both pitch in but you have different standards?

The children thing is your biggest issue. It’s a much bigger one as he already has some then if neither of you did. I’m also a SM and make huge sacrifices but I married my husband knowing he wanted more children with me which makes a difference.

When you’re feeling better, have a proper sit down talk and discuss all of these things. What you both need to be happy and look to your futures with hope. Getting divorced won’t kill you, it’s not the greatest experience but it’s a lot better than facing a life of misery or dissatisfaction with a spouse you can’t talk to or share your dreams with.

Osopolar · 15/04/2018 18:51

I agree that regardless of whether or not he did housework you shouldn't have done it yourself. The world won't end over it. If it was just cleaning that was the problem I would recommend a cleaner but I think one person wanting children and the other not is a deal breaker.

BarbarianMum · 15/04/2018 18:51

Is "what will people think" a major factor in your decision making process? Try replacing it with "does this hurt anyone?" and "will this make me happy?"

Treacletoots · 15/04/2018 18:51

Run! Run for the hills. Or better still, kick him out. You are in exactly the same situation as I was just a few years ago.

My exH wouldn't help out and once when I was really poorly, went to stay with his mother for the weekend because I was 'boring'. Obviously he didn't check I had food or drugs in the house either. When we argued that this was incredibly selfish he just would.not get it and instead said I should have given him a list of everything id need to look after myself that weekend.

Needless to say, this was pretty standard and I used the phrase man-child frequently!

There's NO way you want children with this.man. can you even imagine how little he'd do? And pregnant? Will he expect you to clean up then? Probably.

Run. I kicked mine out and haven't looked back. I upped my 'shopping list' for a new partner to one that definitely 'wasnt selfish' 'wasnt a man child's and ' was emotionally intelligent'.

Men aren't a rare species. don't settle for a substandard one.

Hawkmoth · 15/04/2018 18:52

Weird rash? Stiff neck?

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