AIBU to get a divorce in my 20’s?

[forgiveandforgetyou]

Sorry this is long.
I have not been married for very long. I don’t know what to do, whether I should stay with Dh or leave.

Dh and I are happy sometimes. We have a laugh, go out with our friends and he is occasionally romantic. But he can also be selfish and neglectful. He never puts me first.

Today, for example I am ill. Just a cold but a bad one. I have a banging headache, earache, sore neck, feel hot and cold and got a weird rash. I am so achy and whenever I stand up I feel faint. He knows this. Finally made it downstairs at about midday and my heart sank. Nothing had been done and realised I needed to clean.

Dh was doing some work. I asked Dh if he would do some cleaning and he said it was already clean and nothing needed doing. He said if I could tell him what to do he would do it. I explained I haven’t got the energy to think about this, I just see what needs doing and I do it. No one tells me what needs doing! I have just about managed to do the basics myself before going back to bed. He reluctantly helped clean the bathroom but ended up asking me what to do constantly and flushing kitchen roll down the loo as he had no idea you could not do this. He listened to me hoover for about 20 minutes to the point of exhaustion and not once thought to take over.

Another key issue is that when I bring up having children he strops off and says he doesn't want to talk about it. When he does speak it is never serious. He says things like ‘I guess we will have a kid if you want one’, and that ‘he will be ready when he gets bored of going out, having a life and having fun’. He has kids already from a previous relationship but only has them half the time. I have already made sacrifices for this lifestyle. This was ok when I didn’t know I was with a selfish man child but it is not ok anymore.

I know no one is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect relationship where you are happy all the time. This is where I am questioning myself. I just feel like running away where no one knows me and no one will judge me. What should I do?

Again I did discuss children before getting married.

It was fine for you to expect some tea and sympathy and not to be the only one who thinks of chores, you are right to challenge all of this. I left a guy for less. Will it help if we say we will judge you if you stay honestly don’t waste this one life.

SOOOOO many MN clichés in this post that it is rather easy to be cynical about it.

Am I missing something here?

I think if I was your partner I would say "go back to bed, the cleaning can wait" then continue with my work. I wouldn't even attempt cleaning the bathroom under your strict 'sick' supervision. This sounds bonkers.
I don't know any couples who don't bicker about cleaning though. I got a cleaner because I was sick of constantly discussing it.

Maybe he does other things that are helpful in other ways?

Also, even though he's crap at discussing children it seems he's actually being fairly responsible not wanting any more while he still wants to party (I assume he's also in his 20's). Considering that he already has some (which he does have 50% access to) is that a bad thing? I mean, there is no suggestion here that he is partying whilst he should be caring for his children. If he has shared responsibility why can't he go out when he doesn't have them?

Doesn't sound like a terribly selfish human being but obviously if you want different things and you want a baby now then you have a problem on your hands. If you don't want to be with him regardless then don't worry about judgement, if people even have a problem with it they'll get over it and you'll be happier. However, divorce isn't your only option and there are many things you could try to fix it before you have to go there.

Your age certainly shouldn't be a relevant factor in the decision.

I'd never judge someone for ending a relationship - I would however judge them for not doing so when they clearly weren't happy

Thanks Thislittlepiggy1, see this is is the thing, lots of people argue about housework. It is hard to know what is normal bickering.
He is not in his 20s though, he is late 30s.

Am I missing something here? You said you are thinking of divorcing him but keep talking to him about having kids. That way madness lies. Just get out now.

The recent kids conversation is part of what is making me consider it fussychica.

My DP is a brilliant person, and I love him very much, but he just doesn’t “get” cleaning in the same way I do. If I ask him to do something, he will do it really thoroughly, but he would never think, oh, the floor could do with a mop, and get on with it. Probably out of every five rows (more bickering than actual rows, tbh) we have, four are about housework.

I don't see how I am being a martyr about housework. There was housework that clearly needed doing, he wasn't going to do it and we don't have a cleaner.

Unless someone was about to contract food poisoning, or injure themselves, the housework did not need doing. If you're so ill you feel faint standing up, don't do housework. When I'm that ill, I will feed the cats, feed myself if I feel like eating, and sleep a lot. Housework can wait. It very rarely becomes a life or death thing.

Don't ever waste your time (life, and fertility) based on fearing judgement from others. I feel sad for people when they divorce, knowing they must be going through a hard time. Then I focus on my own life, as most people do.

If I were to judge you harshly, that still shouldn't bother you. Don't let a few moments of someone else's headspace affect your life decisions!

Absolutely do not have children with him. Your life would be hell.

Ok maybe I should have just left it.

Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Then this problem will never arise again.

Is it that easy though? I feel like everyone will judge me and what if I don't find someone else

I think that it is a lot easier to split up with no dc. Divorce early into a marriage is hardly unusual, they'll get over it. And in terms of finding someone else it is a lot less likely while you are married....!

I suggest you give it another 6 months to decide if it's worth continuing with the relationship. You have good reasons to be concerned about your husband. You are still young and have plenty of time to meet someone new and to start again. No one will judge you. Those who care about you will just be concerned for you and want you to be happy.

It's much easier and less messy to divorce when there are no DC involved. And you want (at least) one and he obviously doesn't - and that's a deal-breaker. End it now. Get it over with.

You don't say exactly how long you have been married; you can't issue the petition until the day after your first wedding anniversary.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Get a divorce and do not have children with this man child

Late 30's you say, hmmmmm Ok well that changes the perspective slightly. Realistically the cleaning shouldn't be such a huge problem if you can find ways that he contributes elsewhere.

If he is a good dad to the kids he already has (when he has them) thats a positive. However, if he's late 30's and he's not ready to have a child with you, doesn't sound like he will be anytime soon. That being said though, my DH wasn't ready until 45 years old (I am considerably younger) and now he is over the moon to be a dad to our little one.

But if you are finding him a pain in the ass now you will probably despise him once you have a child, it just seems to be something that happens. His negatives will be amplified and you'll need to be very committed to the journey of marriage.

In general (some exceptions of course) it’s also MUCH easier to date/meet someone else/better if you’re in your 20’s or early 30’s and childless.

A starter marriage and divorce means fuck all to someone new (think of Meghan Markle): having a child with someone else and negotiating custody arrangements will mean its a lot harder to start afresh with someone else.

Seriously???
Fuck that for a DP.

OP, how long have you been married?

I ask because despite being with DH for 9 years before we married and absolutely adoring the bones of him, in the year after we got married there was a few occasions I thought ‘oh god, what have I done??’

Like you it was about daft little things like cleaning or cooking or taking the dogs for a walk but in my head it was so much more of an issue than it needed to be.

I take marriage very very seriously and to me it felt extremely permanent, so I think after we got married my natural tendency towards self doubt kicked in and that’s why I was struggling. It had nothing to do with DH, he hadn’t changed! It was just my anxiety.

Happy to report it went away after I chatted to DH about it. All too often we’re told love is this perfect thing where we love every single last thing about our partners etc etc and if you don’t have that it’s all wrong and you should LTB. It’s a load of bollocks. There will ALWAYS be things they do that frustrate us and vice versa, the important thing is you should feel able to discuss it and resolve it.

The kids thing is your main issue.

if you feel like this now ...how are you going to feel later? My advice would be to follow your heart especially as you are young and can rebuild your life very easily...find someone who you feel really does love you and wants to have / do all the things you deserve. I wish someone had given me this piece of advice when I was your age. Go out there and make things happen your way OP! Do it now don't give this man any more of your precious life if you truly feel he is not deserving of it.

The most important things to consider here are:

can I imagine another 5,,10,15 years of living like this?

Am I mainly happy and feel as if I’m in an equal relationship where we both value each other.

Can I imagine him wanting t go to counselling with the aim of improving the relationship.

It absolutely does not matter one tiny bit what anyone else thinks of you here. They aren’t the ones in your shoes. It doesn’t matter One tiny bit how old you are either. If you know this relationship isn’t right I would say it’s best to leave as soon as you can. Life is too short to waste in a situation that is wrong for you but that you can change. Forget the opinions of others and do what feels right for yourself.

Oh dear @forgiveandforgetyou, you can't stay with this hideous selfish manchild. He sounds about 12, and it's unlikely he will EVER change. I don't always subscribe to the LTB issue, but his lazy-ass attitude, his selfishness, his not helping you when you're ill, and saying 'if YOU want a kid we will have one eventually,' is a definite LTB for me!

Get out now, while you're still young. And FFS do NOT have kids with this prick.

Oh and I would rather have people judge me, and be alone FOREVERRRRR than put up with this shit for another 50-60 years.

PLEASE my lovely, do NOT NOT NOT stay with this man. You sound lovely and deserve sooooooo much better. He sounds so immature and selfish. Some men don't even START to grow up and 'mature' and become less selfish until their mid 30's, yet he is in his late 30's and is acting like he is a teenager. As I said, he won't change. Especially not as he is nearly 40 now.

Sending you massive hugs and positive thoughts ....

@mrpottergavedobbyasock

All too often we’re told love is this perfect thing where we love every single last thing about our partners etc etc and if you don’t have that it’s all wrong and you should LTB. It’s a load of bollocks.

It's a load of bollocks in YOUR opinion.

You may be willing to settle for a relationship where you put up with loads of crap from your man, and let him walk all over you. Some of us choose not to do that.

I take marriage very very seriously and to me it felt extremely permanent

Again, that is YOU. Many others will leave a relationship where they are not happy and their man is a dick. If you choose to stay no matter how unhappy you are, that's your choice. Other people don't have to do that, and don't NEED to do that.

I think after we got married my natural tendency towards self doubt kicked in and that’s why I was struggling. It had nothing to do with DH, he hadn’t changed! It was just my anxiety.

WOW, how on earth did your husband manage to convince you that his shortcomings were it all your fault?