AIBU to get a divorce in my 20’s?

[forgiveandforgetyou]

Sorry this is long.
I have not been married for very long. I don’t know what to do, whether I should stay with Dh or leave.

Dh and I are happy sometimes. We have a laugh, go out with our friends and he is occasionally romantic. But he can also be selfish and neglectful. He never puts me first.

Today, for example I am ill. Just a cold but a bad one. I have a banging headache, earache, sore neck, feel hot and cold and got a weird rash. I am so achy and whenever I stand up I feel faint. He knows this. Finally made it downstairs at about midday and my heart sank. Nothing had been done and realised I needed to clean.

Dh was doing some work. I asked Dh if he would do some cleaning and he said it was already clean and nothing needed doing. He said if I could tell him what to do he would do it. I explained I haven’t got the energy to think about this, I just see what needs doing and I do it. No one tells me what needs doing! I have just about managed to do the basics myself before going back to bed. He reluctantly helped clean the bathroom but ended up asking me what to do constantly and flushing kitchen roll down the loo as he had no idea you could not do this. He listened to me hoover for about 20 minutes to the point of exhaustion and not once thought to take over.

Another key issue is that when I bring up having children he strops off and says he doesn't want to talk about it. When he does speak it is never serious. He says things like ‘I guess we will have a kid if you want one’, and that ‘he will be ready when he gets bored of going out, having a life and having fun’. He has kids already from a previous relationship but only has them half the time. I have already made sacrifices for this lifestyle. This was ok when I didn’t know I was with a selfish man child but it is not ok anymore.

I know no one is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect relationship where you are happy all the time. This is where I am questioning myself. I just feel like running away where no one knows me and no one will judge me. What should I do?

He sounds awful and very selfish. Divorce is a slightly OTT reaction (unless this has happened many times before) but you need to have a serious chat about this. He needs to understand that either he steps up or it’s over!

Would it be helpful if you split the chores so that you each have responsibility for certain tasks? That way, if he doesn’t do his jobs, you don’t end up filling the gaps. If he doesn’t do them it doesn’t get done!

Get out sooner rather than later and definitely before children.

But did you actually spell out to him that you were 1)feeling ill 2) not able to clean etc as normal 3)expecting him therefore to step in 4)surprised that he doesn't know how to clean a toilet 5)curious as to when he might learn to clean toilets etc 6) hoping to have children and need to know whether he is genuinely of the same opinion?
Find out what he wants/thinks first then make your mind up as to what to do.

You say no-one is perfect. The only thing I can think positively about him is he is not violent.

It’s not so uncommmon to divorce in your 20s. They’re sometimes called ‘starter marriages’ if they’re when you’re young, have no kids, and last under five years. A couple of my friends divorced young and then went on to find someone new.

I think the biggest concerns would be lack of communication, his immaturity, and the kids issue. I mean, maybe over time he’d change, but do you want to risk it? Do you want to be suffering through morning sickness or looking after a new born without any help? How many years are you willing to waste?

P.s. no one, actually no one cares if you get divorced. More marriages end in divorce than not these days so it's likely no one will bat an eye lid.

Divorce is rarely easy, yet people come through it and go on to be happier.

You could try marriage counselling first to see if that helps. If he won’t go then he’s as good as said he isn’t planning on changing. Oh and if you have a kid multiply everything you’re telling now by a thousand.

People might judge you for leaving. But they don’t have to live with him. Others might judge you for staying. Ultimately you can’t live your life based on the potential opinions of others.

And I’m sure you’ll find someone else if you do split. But do yourself a favour and have a proper break from dating for a long while after you split up. Be single for a good long while. Get to know yourself better. Be god at being alone. That way you will only give up being single for someone really special.

What sort of dad is he to his kids?

The cleaning thing wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. My husband used to be like this, massively annoying. He wasn't being selfish he just had no concept of cleaning and tidying when we first started living together. Took a lot of nagging but he is a lot tidier now.

The children thing, however, this would be a dealbreaker. I don't think relationships can ever work when one person wants a child and the other doesn't. Whether you have children or not, one of you will end up resenting the other.

If you don't feel you love him and can be with him anymore then there is nothing unreasonable about divorcing in your twenties. As PP said, much better now than in your 40s after 20 years of an unhappy marriage.

I was expecting to open this and read that you have DC and are isolated etc.

Be thankful you don't have DC with this person. If you don't want to be married to him make moves now. Don't settle for this. You can do so much better.

Indeed. Wierd rash. Stiff neck! Ring NHS Direct now OP! This could be something serious.

I’m a bit worried about the weird rash and sore neck too. I think you should call 111.

X Post with treacle.

I don't think it's anything serious. Will think about seeing the GP if it's still there tomorrow.

Better to divorce now when there are no children and you are younger than bind yourself to someone who doesn’t sound like he wants more kids and unlikely to be a good father to them if he’s so uncaring towards you. I really think you need to put what others may think of you out of the equation. That isn’t going to matter at all to your life but your day to day life is what actually counts.

Why didn’t you discuss the prospect of children before you got married?

I’m guessing you already knew he was a knob before you married him. Why did you marry him? Is that spark still there or did you think he’d change?

Life’s too short to be stuck in a miserable marriage, maybe best to admit you married the wrong man sooner rather than later.

Yikes, YANBU to divorce him! He sounds like a nightmare

DO NOT have DC with him.

“if you want one”

That alone is concerning. What about what he wants? This sounds as if he is placating you. Maybe not. But you find yourself like one of those women, whose husbands put it off so long that by the time the truth came out that he never wanted any, they’ve missed the boat and their fertility has plummetted irrevocably.

In any case, I know he’s young. But he’s also very immature.

Why are you martyring yourself over the housework?

If you no longer love him and see no future with him, then divorce him. Your age and housework has nothing to do with it.

Far better to divorce in your 20s than waste your life stuck with someone who clearly isn't going to give you the life you want and deserve. Especially wrt children.

I don't see how I am being a martyr about housework. There was housework that clearly needed doing, he wasn't going to do it and we don't have a cleaner.

My friend got married at 23 and divorced at 27. Exh sounds similar to yours. She got re-married to a lovely man when she was 30 and has just had her second baby with him. Lots of us went to both of her weddings. Zero judgement and she is far far happier.

You don't sound very well matched, I divorced after less than 2 years in my twenties - we were just wrong for each other.

I remarried in my 30s and am approaching my 30th wedding anniversary - hasn't all been a bed of roses but generally, a happy marriage.

But if you leave, please, please clearly discuss children before entering any long term relationship / marriage in the future. It shocks me how many people just 'assume' their partner thinks the same as they do about having a family.

I got married at 21, separated at 23 and divorced at age 24.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I shouldn't have married him in the first place. I'd rather be judged for making a silly mistake than be unhappy for the rest of my life. I will never get married again though as it's put me off the whole idea.

Oh Jesus, run.

The guy is lazy and inconsiderate and if you have kids with him, he will not do his fair share of parenting or housework.

You are so young. Young enough to find someone nicer.

Women are always being told that housework is too trivial to split up over. But it isn't: it's actually a sign of how much respect a man has for you, if he thinks it's your job to skivvy in the household and his only to "help".

And another thing: people always demand justification for splitting up a relationship. But turn it round and justify having one. Why would you spend your twenties, your youth and freedom years, with a man who is going to dump on you if and when you do eventually have children with him? There are lots of better men out there.

And you're unhappy. You wouldn't have posted on Mumsnet if you weren't. Your gut feel is that this isn't right. Listen to your gut, it's there for a reason.