AIBU to get a divorce in my 20’s?

[forgiveandforgetyou]

Sorry this is long.
I have not been married for very long. I don’t know what to do, whether I should stay with Dh or leave.

Dh and I are happy sometimes. We have a laugh, go out with our friends and he is occasionally romantic. But he can also be selfish and neglectful. He never puts me first.

Today, for example I am ill. Just a cold but a bad one. I have a banging headache, earache, sore neck, feel hot and cold and got a weird rash. I am so achy and whenever I stand up I feel faint. He knows this. Finally made it downstairs at about midday and my heart sank. Nothing had been done and realised I needed to clean.

Dh was doing some work. I asked Dh if he would do some cleaning and he said it was already clean and nothing needed doing. He said if I could tell him what to do he would do it. I explained I haven’t got the energy to think about this, I just see what needs doing and I do it. No one tells me what needs doing! I have just about managed to do the basics myself before going back to bed. He reluctantly helped clean the bathroom but ended up asking me what to do constantly and flushing kitchen roll down the loo as he had no idea you could not do this. He listened to me hoover for about 20 minutes to the point of exhaustion and not once thought to take over.

Another key issue is that when I bring up having children he strops off and says he doesn't want to talk about it. When he does speak it is never serious. He says things like ‘I guess we will have a kid if you want one’, and that ‘he will be ready when he gets bored of going out, having a life and having fun’. He has kids already from a previous relationship but only has them half the time. I have already made sacrifices for this lifestyle. This was ok when I didn’t know I was with a selfish man child but it is not ok anymore.

I know no one is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect relationship where you are happy all the time. This is where I am questioning myself. I just feel like running away where no one knows me and no one will judge me. What should I do?

Do it before you have children.

Also be wary if he’ll have a child purely because you want one as you’ll be the one looking after it while he carries on.

No-one can tell you if your marriage is worth saving.

But I (and many others) can tell you that divorce in your 20s is really no big deal. I got married mid 20s, separated after 14 months, divorced a few months later. I won't pretend it was fun, it was very acrimonious and I was mortified because we'd had the "big white wedding" but we had a lot of similar sounding issues (he was a selfish, mummy's boy, misogynist prick who literally didn't know where the vacuum was kept and didn't care to learn). Oh god did my life improve immeasurably after that?!

If you are not happy, leave. It really is that simple at this stage. You are young and have a whole life. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't make you happy.

Ask yourself this; does the thought of working through the issues and staying married to him fill you with joy or dread? That is your answer.

My Mum married and divorced and had me by the time she was 29, my father was a waste of space and not a good father and she stayed longer because of me. But then after the divorce she met my most wonderful step-father and is so glad she had the courage to divorce my father. 30 years later she still knows she did the right thing and us grateful for her marriage to my father it gave her me and taught her so much about herself and her strength.

The illness attitude I think is based on how you were brought Up, when I was ill as a kid my mum (Sahm) would hover over me "do you want soup, do you want porridge, have a Calpol, are you warm enough, do you want a blanket" my husband's experience, working mum single mum family of four, the eldest.

So when I'm ill I used to feel like he didn't care when he wasn't doting at my feet, but when he is ill, he doesn't want a fuss and will do as much in the home as he can even when I'm offering to do his jobs. I think part of being married is figuring out you came from different families, and your bringing them together into one!

OP, I was separated at 23 and divorced at 25. Being totally honest, I don’t tell many people because I felt a little embarrassed but that’s just me I think. So glad I had the courage to walk away as I am now married to my first love from when I am 16. I’m 34 now.

DD43 how dare you insinuate that because I admit that I was in the wrong IN MY OWN RELATIONSHIP, I was somehow cowed and gaslighted by my husband? My comment about how marriage felt very permanent was to highlight why my anxiety kicked in, I felt trapped simply because of the permanence of it not because I didn’t love my husband. As I said, he never changed and is an absolute gem.

Yes, occasionally he leaves the toilet seat up or forgets to put the dishwasher on which gets on my nerves now and again, it’s not grounds for divorce and certainly me accepting these things doesn’t mean he’s ‘convincing me his shortcomings are my fault’... projecting much?

Piss off.

Of the 6 women I know who got married early twenties (22 ish after uni) only 2 are still together. The rest had all divorced by 25ish, we are mid 30s now and they are all married / coupled up with children. It's more common than you think.

I got divorced in my twenties - we’d been together 7 years and married 2. Leaving him was incredibly hard but a massive relief.

I was worried about what everyone would think of me and I felt like I had failed, but remember people who love you just want you to be happy - I was amazed at how supportive people were.

I am middle-aged. In the last few years friends have beem getting divorced. They have ALL said they knew the marriage was wrong in their twenties and should have either not married or got divorced back then.

I have also noticed that the people with the best most balanced relationships now all had a previous marriage or long-term cohabiting relationship that they ended before age 30.

If it is not right, end it now not when you are 45-50.

Hi OP, I was also a 20-s divorcee. Married for less than a year, to a much much better man than yours sounds 😁

Why did we split up? I still find myself wondering sometimes, but we just didn't make each other as happy as we should.

I'm not sure why - maybe other overwhelming emotions at the time - but I never thought people would judge me. And they didn't. Well, maybe my dad, but he's now fully delighted with the new son-in-law I've given him.

I'm happy now, and so is my ex husband (who met his girlfriend within weeks, and was engaged before we were divorced - take it from both of us, that life starts again!)

We had no mortgage, no children, and - at the time we closed it - less than £100 in our joint account. We were young enough to be able to still have child-free friends happy to have us move in with them.

Do it, do it young! No one will assume you've been married before - I enjoy shocking people with that revelation ;)

Good luck! And unless you've a lot of shared assets, don't waste money on solicitors.