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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've done parenting wrong?

96 replies

ShackUp · 15/04/2018 11:45

DS1 is 5 and has never slept through. DS2 is 22 months and wakes for night (breast) feeds fairly regularly. Both are early risers. Both are in my bed by the end of the night. DS2 feeds to sleep. I have never had a night away from either of them.

Just spoken to DM on phone. She is helping to look after DN who is four months old and whose mum is on a hen weekend. DN is formula fed and is in her own room. Apparently she was 'absolutely brilliant' last night because she had a quick dream feed then slept till 6.45am. My parents get very pissed off looking after my two (once in a blue moon) due to DS2 being unsettled in the evenings.

AIBU to think I shouldn't have bothered breastfeeding/co-sleeping? I've read countless books, researched everything to the hilt and I have no help.

OP posts:
HoneyDragon · 15/04/2018 11:48

Well they must be doing parenting wrong too if she needs to go over and help the remaining solo parent to look after one child that sleeps brilliantly Wink

Original poster
ShackUp · 15/04/2018 11:49

Honey Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ShackUp · 15/04/2018 11:51

My parents always go to DB's house for a few days and have 'a lovely time'. I feel quite let down by them, really Angry

OP posts:
Momo27 · 15/04/2018 11:51

There is plenty of research on bf to show its benefits so it’s ridiculous to think you’ve done something wrong by bf. (However neither has the mum of your niece done anything wrong by ff)

I personally would find it very difficult to cope with a 5 year old, school age, who doesn’t sleep through, it must be exhausting for her to have unsettled nights and relentless for you.

If it’s not a problem to you, then don’t worry about anyone else. However it’s clearly a problem to your parents and frankly it must be difficult to look after two children in the evening if they’re unsettled and used to having you there to settle them. You say you’ve never spent a night apart so I’m assuming your parents come to you occasionally to babysit and have 2 unsettled children all evening? That’s very different to having a child stay over with them where they can put her to bed and babysitting is just a matter of listening out

Domino20 · 15/04/2018 11:54

I feel your pain but I didn't have the courage to have a second child as my son slept so badly. Honestly, I do wish I'd persevered with introducing bottle feeding sooner. By 5 months he was feeding for an hour every other hour. Relentless! Don't beat yourself up, do whatever necessary to get some sleep. 🌾

Original poster
ShackUp · 15/04/2018 11:54

momo27 yeah, that's it, basically.

DS1 isn't really an issue, he just gets up and relocates once (into my bed). I am starting Dr Jay Gordon with DS2 so I'm hoping he starts being more settled soon.

I think you've probably nailed it Angry

OP posts:
Momo27 · 15/04/2018 11:59

You need to stop comparing with your db and his wife. That’s the issue. There’s lots of ways to parent children and it’s not a case of one being better than another.

The issue with your parents is a separate one really. Tbh I can’t blame them for feeling more comfortable babysitting a child who is settled ... it must be upsetting to feel you’re being asked to babysit a child who is awake and will only settle by bf.

I just think you need to accept you made different choices. And by all means work on getting your toddler to self settle and sleep separately if that’s what you want now.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 15/04/2018 12:00

You haven't done anything wrong but if it's not working for you it's fine to change it. Attachment parenting isn't, imo, 'better', just different. I say that as someone who clung on to attachment principles too long at the expense of my mental health. I genuinely believed I'd be letting my kids down by giving formula/sleep training/ not co sleeping etc.

My kids are older now and they're happy and well adjusted, but so are the kids I know who were parented in a more hands off way.

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 15/04/2018 12:03

I had a similar issue with my BF DD, She woke regularly through the night and I automatically put her on the breast assuming she was hungry. My doctor suggested I use a dummy ( which I had vowed never to use) I only used it at night when my DD woke, she always went straight back at to sleep. I am not suggesting that you do this, but it saved me months of sleepless nights.

Grenoble124 · 15/04/2018 12:05

You are doing everything right. How could anybody leave a 4mo. Babies are not meant to sleep through the night that young. I hate this good baby shit.

My 22 has just night weaned. I used Jay Gordon to a certain extent. He used to wake every two hours or so bit is now sleeping around 8 / 9 hrs.

Just a word of warning, my lb has serious tooth decay from bf at night. He is about to have treatment under general anaesthetic and it broke my heart. I had been told (by pro bf groups) that bf at night does not cause this but it has in my case and I have been told so by four dentists.

Stopandlook · 15/04/2018 12:05

It will get easier. You do what you have to do, have confidence.

gamerwidow · 15/04/2018 12:09

DD didn't sleep through consistently until she was about 6. Sleeps fine now though, they'll grow out of it.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 15/04/2018 12:10

Both mine were bf & both were & still are good sleepers so please don't think it is solely down to that.
You haven't done parenting wrong, just differently to your DB-try not to compare.

Original poster
ShackUp · 15/04/2018 12:10

Thank you everyone Thanks

grenoble DS1 doesn't have tooth decay due to night time feeding (fed till nearly 3 years) but I'm keeping an eye on DS2, thank you for the reminder. I hope your little one's op is okay Thanks

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 15/04/2018 12:11

Your parents are being a little unfair, perhaps without realising it, if they make it clear they prefer your niece/nephews over your children.

You haven't done anything wrong. Different people have different priorities and make different decisions that suit them. Don't second guess yourself just because your parents are thoughtless in how they talk about the relative experiences of babysitting.

Make some changes if you want to and if they suit you, not because you think you should.

Momo27 · 15/04/2018 12:11

“. Babies are not meant to sleep through the night that young”

What a load of bollocks. There is no specific age babies are “meant” to sleep through. My dd1 slept through before 12 weeks; I did a late night feed and then she slept through til 6am. I remember clearly because I returned to work when she was 12 weeks and she definitely slept through regularly. My dc 2 and 3 didn’t sleep through that young but there’s no “meant to” about it!

HoneyDragon · 15/04/2018 12:12

Dh and I can relate. Literally anything of note we mention in regards to our children is not followed with a “fantastic, well done grandchild” but instead “oh your dn did that, did this, is better at”.

Not dn’s fault, we love to bits. But we still laugh loads about the time she asked what was new that week and dh said “not a lot, ds’s voice has broken though” and her IMMEDIATE response was “Oh your dn ......” Grin

User24689 · 15/04/2018 12:13

Agree with the above comments but also - how well your child sleep is not the measure of how good you are at parenting. Some kids are born good sleepers (whether bf or ff).

Are your DC happy? Are they kind to others? Do you enjoy them? Do you do your best to give them everything they need?

Don't beat yourself up. You are a loving, caring mum and you absolutely haven't done parenting wrong because your kids don't sleep through. They are lucky to have you.

Coconut0il · 15/04/2018 12:13

I sometimes feel the same way. DS2 was bf, still co sleeps, still wakes sometimes during the night. I have to remind myself that DS1 was exactly the same, he probably slept in his own bed all night from about 7/8. He's 14 now and hasn't spent a night in our bed since. They all sleep through eventually.
I try not to compare to my niece and nephew who have always taken themselves up to bed at 7. Shame that your parent's have that attitude but my DM is much better with DS1 now he is older than she was when he was a toddler.

donajimena · 15/04/2018 12:14

grenoble my baby slept through from 3 weeks. I'm glad no one told him he wasn't meant to!
Its not you OP. Babies are all different.

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/04/2018 12:14

Normal infant sleep patterns show that the majority of babies aren't doing an 8 hour stretch ("sleeping through") at 4 months. By 5 months about half are, on some nights.

https://www.isisonline.org.uk/howbabiesssleep/normalsleeppdevelopment/

Pawpaw45 · 15/04/2018 12:15

Grenoble124 dentists aren't breastfeeding experts. Some kids have genetically weak teeth and would end up with issues whether or not they were breastfed. My own dentist advised me to stop breastfeeding at night at 6 months as "her teeth would be ruined by the time she's 2". Well she still breastfeeds day and night at age 3 and has perfectly healthy, strong teeth. The dentist always remarks on her excellent teeth.

PurpleSnails · 15/04/2018 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ShackUp · 15/04/2018 12:16

wolves Thanks DS1 is really kind and DS2 is really cute. My parents love them so much, but I suppose it's tricky not to say 'your DN was so GOOD last night!' without it sounding like they're casting aspersions on my two's nighttime habits Grin

OP posts:
Shmithecat · 15/04/2018 12:17

I'd rather breastfeed and cosleep than give formula and go against SIDS guidelines OP. I think you've done it 'right' out of the 2 of you tbh.

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