To think I've done parenting wrong?

[ShackUp]

DS1 is 5 and has never slept through. DS2 is 22 months and wakes for night (breast) feeds fairly regularly. Both are early risers. Both are in my bed by the end of the night. DS2 feeds to sleep. I have never had a night away from either of them.

Just spoken to DM on phone. She is helping to look after DN who is four months old and whose mum is on a hen weekend. DN is formula fed and is in her own room. Apparently she was 'absolutely brilliant' last night because she had a quick dream feed then slept till 6.45am. My parents get very pissed off looking after my two (once in a blue moon) due to DS2 being unsettled in the evenings.

AIBU to think I shouldn't have bothered breastfeeding/co-sleeping? I've read countless books, researched everything to the hilt and I have no help.

DS is my only bf child the other 2 were ff. Neither is a panacea of parenting imho but they do require very different parenting. Speaking very generally here, but BF babies eat little and often and also mostly use the boob for comfort. FF babies feed more at a time and less regularly and often need other sources of comfort such as soothers, blankies or movement. All good, all babies having their needs met. They really don’t compare though.

The other thing is though children are very adaptable and you can make changes to their routine. DH night weaned DS at 1.5. He brought him into his new bedroom and slept with him through about 3-4 days and let him run into me in the morning for a feed at a reasonable hour. That was the end of that but it took getting over a hump to get there. DS was not best pleased and of course cried but that was out of anger, little people consider themselves the only humans who matter in this world, not through separation as he was never alone and DH cuddled and walked him about and offered him cups of milk which he didn’t want. My mother also saw FF as the only possible way to raise a child and never moved on from that view so she would have probably come out with the comments on how marvellous my FF children were over DS but you just tune that all out.

wizz your DC sounds lovely, and lucky to have you

OP you haven't done anything wrong at all, your parents on the other hand...

Please don't fall for this comparison nonsense, babies and children are all different and your parents should be supporting you rather than telling you how 'good' DN has been. A 4 month old is just doing what comes naturally, the parents haven't done anything that makes her sleep through. Some children are ready to sleep through then, mine were. Then DS turned 4 and decided he'd finished with sleeping through. Just give it time, when your DC settle and become more independent, DN will also move onto the next stage and there are no promises that because one stage was 'easy' then the next one will be too. Then sit back and laugh 😂.

Mine were both ff and my 5 yr old still wakes in the night.

Naff all to do with parenting and more to do with her determined stubborn spirit.

‘you've got 2 kids who are mobiles and your brother has one docile robot baby’

And therein lies the problem. Some people only feel secure in their own parenting style by putting others down.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP.
Neither have your brother and his wife.

If your methods work for you and your dh then that’s all that matters. They don’t work as well for the grandparents but so what? They aren’t the parents. There’s a big difference. And I totally get why, if you’re babysitting, you feel far more comfortable caring for a child who is settled and contented, rather than one who is unsettled, fractious and can only be settled by its mother. That’s plain common sense, it doesn’t mean the grandparents love your kids less.

OP- as an ‘oldie’ with 3 adult children in their 20s - can I let you into a little secret?

My 3 children each chose to stop bf at different ages. They each slept through the night at different ages. They each started childcare at different ages- dd was 12 weeks and actually I didn’t work regularly with my dc3 til she was about 14 months.

Guess what? They are all happy, secure adults. If you met them, you wouldn’t be able to tell who bf longest, who slept through earliest.

IMO a lot of parental pressure is self imposed when parents (or more often, mothers) do things a certain way expecting to have ‘better’ outcomes.

Honestly, apart from a small number of things where there’s cast iron proof (eg benefits of bf) there really isn’t any point in thinking one thing is better. And if you can’t bf, or if to do so would negatively impact on your wellbeing then ff is the best option for you anyway.

If a mother wants to go the whole attachment parenting hog, wear their baby, sleep with their baby, never put their baby down- fine.
If a mother wants to go away for a weekend leaving their baby in the capable hands of its father and granny - fine.

It’s a very narrow minded view to think that one particular way is going to guarantee a happy balanced child. Parenting is so much more than that.

Thank you. Yours too. And my DN is also awesome, as I am sure yours is too. Parenting's a tough job, eh?

Ps all 4 were bf beyond 2yrs, including at night. None have tooth decay. I was always told one important thing to remember was to brush after the final solid food or other liquids, so it is only breastmilk or water on clean teeth during the night. Even then, yes genetics are a factor so no guarantee. All we each can do with any of it is our best!

Why, why the stupid, snide comments about how OP is parenting better than her SIL?

SIL didn’t cause this. DN didn’t cause this.

And actually, you’re being unfair to your parents, OP. What’s with the faces?

I’m sure they love your dc but they sound like a handful so they’re not falling over themselves to sit up all night with a two year old, and have to be up and down with a five year old.

You know you’re not parenting wrong. Your SIL isn’t parenting wrong.

You could have parented in exactly the same way as them and still been in the same situation. I believe in nature and nurture, and that how you nurture your child only encourages their nature, not change it

Wait till they are a little bit older .... my niece was the same, easy baby, perfect sleeper. She no is in the middle of the terrible 2 from hell. Absolutely awful.
My oldest started sleeping through at 4 years, the 1 year old still wakes up twice. Oldest had maybe 10 tantrums in his life (he is 5). All kids have their strong and weak points - just not at the same time.
I‘m under no illusion that we were lucky with the terrible 2, brother and sister in law we’re lucky with sleeping. Not much parents can do with either

Brilliant post Momo I agree with every word.

Comparison is the thief of joy

The problem is not bf. It’s up to you when you stop or limit things like bf at night and cosleeping. When things stop working for you it’s up to YOU to make changes. All kids are different but they are all capable of learning some rules and routines. The only thing I think you might have done wrong is not make any changes as your babies went through different stages.

madmags they are a handful, but I thought children generally had rough edges?

My mum and dad love my two to bits, I just think babysitting DS2 is probably tricky and a pain.

I think IprobablyABU expecting them to help me at all (even though I barely ever ask for help).

Now is clearly the time to get your 5 year old into bed and to stay in his room. Yes it will be tiring and hard work for a few weeks, but then you have a much better chance of the younger not following suit and sleeping in your bed constantly, and some chance of both sleeping through the night.

My friend did the co - sleeping for a very long time and it is a very difficult habit to break if you leave it too long, what she didn't count on was they would still be in the same position and the child is now 10 years old! Her husband now sleeps on the bedroom floor becaus there is not enough room for all of them. You need to thik long term.

Both children in their beds from tonight, cast iron will power from you and dh and then you will finally get some sleep and rest.

Everyone parents differently and we should do what is right for us, until it stops being right for us. You just need to update your needs/wishes and make a few small changes. Neither you nor your siblings are better parents for choosing different ways, we are all doing our best. It would grate on me if I heard my SIL was on a night out having fun and I hadn't been out in five years too..You need to go and have a life and some fun! And you can and you will.

think

Free reading at 5? Yep, totally awful parenting

It is not fair of her to compare a breastfed toddler AND five year old who she looks after on her own, to a four month old who will still be sleeping most hours of the day and whose dad is also there. Course it was easier! She shouldn't be comparing the children like that, it's unhelpful.
Saying that, I can imagine the difficulty of settling children who need boob and mummy cuddles to sleep. She is probably upset by it all and so feels need to make it clear it is not something she is doing wrong. Take heart, the breastfeeding is good for them and in another three years this will be over!!

madmags they are a handful, but I thought children generally had rough edges?

Well, yes but is it really so hard to believe that they’d rather babysit a sleeping baby than two “rough around the edges” older kids?

Also, they have babysat in the past have they? And you’ve just said you don’t ask for help. So, do you want them to volunteer?

Sounds like they get invited to stay with your brother...

I don’t think you are doing it wrong just differently. You made different choices and that’s fine. However the reality is very few people want to look after toddlers and primary aged kids that don’t sleep through the night which you need to respect. If your happy with this situation it’s fine but if your not it’s time to set some real boundaries for bedtime, routines and sleeping in there own beds.

BF makes no difference. I know of FF babies/toddlers who don't sleep well either.

I really believe it's the luck of the draw.

What @Momo27 said.

I don't blame your parents for finding your dn easier to look after but they probably shouldn't have said how good she was!!
You chose the attachment route which from my observations means it's harder to leave dc with other carers. Your sil chose a different route. Neither is better imo. But you make your bed and lie in it. (If you can fit in).

I can see it from your parents point of view but it must be shit to feel they're rubbing it in your face. My mum looks after both my kids and my sisters regularly. My DD1 is the 'dream child' when it comes to sleep and routine, always has been and as such it's really enjoyable for my mum to look after her (my new DD is a total other story!). On the other hand my sister's DD (same age as my DD1 two years old) is a terrible sleeper, her parents lie on the floor beside her cot until she falls asleep, she wakes throughout the night and they end up taking her into bed around 4am every night. They also expect my mum to do this when she babysits. My mum dreads these nights as she struggles with the lack of sleep etc and sees it as a fault of the parents for not implementing better sleep habits. She does it anyway because she doesn't want to look like she's playing favourites but I can understand her reluctance and therefore can understand your mum's too. It also frustrates my mum because she sees how utterly exhausted my sister is, and would love to see her better rested. Like you, my sister denied any of it was a problem for them but it clearly was and now it's really starting to take it's toll as baby number two has arrived........

momo27, I haven't put anyone down, would you like to explain that snotty comment? or would you rather take your finger off the trigger and employ some critical thinking?

I said her brother has one docile robot baby. I also described, in an earlier post, my own child as a docile robot baby.

You really need an explanation as to why describing any baby as a “docile robot” is unpleasant? Wow