To think I've done parenting wrong?

[ShackUp]

DS1 is 5 and has never slept through. DS2 is 22 months and wakes for night (breast) feeds fairly regularly. Both are early risers. Both are in my bed by the end of the night. DS2 feeds to sleep. I have never had a night away from either of them.

Just spoken to DM on phone. She is helping to look after DN who is four months old and whose mum is on a hen weekend. DN is formula fed and is in her own room. Apparently she was 'absolutely brilliant' last night because she had a quick dream feed then slept till 6.45am. My parents get very pissed off looking after my two (once in a blue moon) due to DS2 being unsettled in the evenings.

AIBU to think I shouldn't have bothered breastfeeding/co-sleeping? I've read countless books, researched everything to the hilt and I have no help.

You must be knackered.
The children must be knackered.
Broken nights aren’t good for anyone and not the family unit.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. But you need to stop thinking of this as a parenting issue and instead as a health issue that needs to be addressed and that might involve tears. But just like if we’re trying to give our children medicine - it’s in their best interests to have a good unbroken night of sleep.

Op you parent as I parent. I do not want to leave my 'old enough now' toddler to cry at night. I'd rather give him breastmilk. It's what feels right to me. Friends of mine would hate that and for them different decisions feel right.

As someone else mentioned parenting is a long game but it also goes by really quickly and there's nothing to be gained in comparisons. We all do our best, and to try and force a parenting style that doesn't come naturally is really difficult.

My eldest is 16. He was and AWFUL sleeper but he's good at it now . It generally all works out eventually

colditz

I am sure you would have been delighted if you heard your baby described as a “docile robot”. What a lovely compliment.

highhorse Co sleeping doesn't always lead to knackered children. A child who wakes up for the 60 seconds or so it takes to climb into mums bed is not always going to be sleep deprived. They tend to not wake fully anyway and then immediately fall back into a deep sleep.

Whether or not mum does the same is another matter...

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to describe my own child or any other in a way not pre-approved by momo27. Next time I'll pm you for a list of pre-approved terms. Should I also run my children's own names by you too, in case you don't like them or find them offensive, or does the birth certificate override your opinion? Let's check, wouldn't want to offend. Do let me know the list of nicknames you find acceptable for every stage of life for both male, female and nonspecifically gendered human people. Better check the dog too, while we're at it.

And then I'll ignore you, because you're not in charge.

MY OWN FIRST BABY WAS A DOCILE ROBOT BABY.

HE SLEPT CONTINUALLY, AND HARDLY EVER CRIED.

AND IT WAS LOVELY.

Also - how many people have a truly 'unbroken' nights sleep. We stir, surface, maybe get out of bed for a quick wee or drink. I think kids who wake for milk or to get into their parents bed experience no more disruption than that.

rocketgirl you're completely contradicting yourself in the same post! OP doesn't "need" to do anything.

If she's happy, DH is happy, DC is happy and everyone is getting enough sleep - then there is nothing wrong. Long term or not.

When it becomes a problem, they can change it.

DS1 is 5 and has never slept through

I'm in my fucking 50s and I've never 'slept through'. I still need to get up for milk and cereal at times :(. Just in case it makes you feel any better or not

I have the exact same issue with dd and she is 6-years old. I was almost at breaking point before Easter when my friend recommended her chiropractor. I noticed the difference after the first session straight away. Dd settled to sleep a lot more quickly than before, she was asleep by 9pm instead of 10pm. I've booked six sessions so far & although not cheap, £65 for 1st session and £30 for subsequent sessions, I'm happy to throw money at the problem.

We have 3, they were all different at that age despite essentially the same parenting. I wouldn't worry.

Calm down colditz you’ll blow a gasket

You describe your own babies however you choose, just don’t expect everyone to agree that describing the OPs niece as a robot, just because she sleeps well, is a pleasant thing to do.

aorbis I don't claim any credit for the reading, he struggles and rages with other stuff

Sorry everyone, I slightly forgot in my self-pitying haze that this might turn into a bunfight!

I think we can all agree that everyone parents differently, I was just having a moment of 'why did I bother?!'

Actually, as a result of all your lovely advice, I'm going to phone my mum and thank her for the times she's looked after DC and acknowledge that it must have been really hard for her and DF

You bothered because it felt right to you. It might have been, or might not. We can never tell as there is no proper comparison! Still you sound like a great mum and as my uncle always said to me 'just do what you think is best, then at least you'll know you were doing your best'. Or something. If you have a third maybe try ff etc and see how that works!!

@Momo27 is spot on.
Also an oldie here.
There seems to be so much FEAR that sleep training will cause horrific damage, and really should only be considered when the child is about to leave for uni.
I chose to sleep train, for my sanity and to teach my DCs a skill I value higher than being able to swim - self-settling.
There is an optimum time for this I would think - below 1 year old, for sure. After that, the later you leave it the harder it gets, as the habit is much more ingrained, and the DC gets more able to climb out of cot / bed.
Harder, but not impossible, OP. Do what you want to do.

I fed one of mine until he was 3 and his teeth were ruined by nightfeeding. I was shocked when the dentist told me. It wasn't so bad that he needed treatment under GA but he did need fillings before he was five and before his older brother ever had them and he was 18 years older.

Bertiebotts

Errrr, are we reading the same thing? I am absolutely sure that op said she was totally knackered and has never had a night out, so not exactly fitting with your description of all being happy!!

I would say five years without a night's sleep is a problem, a health problem, a terrible toll on her body and her mental health, not to mention the sleeping habits of the dc. If this were me, I would be making changes as of yesterday.

Her dc, her choice, but you can't complain about being tired if you are encouraging co sleeping

After that, the later you leave it the harder it gets, as the habit is much more ingrained, and the DC gets more able to climb out of cot / bed.

Oh I don't agree with that. The later you leave it the easier it gets because you can talk them round. We found 2ish a good age for night weaning because then they were able to understand "sleep time now, milk in the morning". Didn't move them out of cosleeping till later, again by negotiation, no tears.

But we didn't need them to stay over with anyone else until they felt they wanted to. Both had sleepovers when they were still cosleeping at home iirc, wasn't a problem, they were old enough to understand different rules applied.

Oh, and although Ds1 never slept in my bed, ds2 slept in my bed until he was nearly 4 because it was the only place he WOULD sleep and would cry piteously if asked to move 3 metres into the other room.