To think I've done parenting wrong?

[ShackUp]

DS1 is 5 and has never slept through. DS2 is 22 months and wakes for night (breast) feeds fairly regularly. Both are early risers. Both are in my bed by the end of the night. DS2 feeds to sleep. I have never had a night away from either of them.

Just spoken to DM on phone. She is helping to look after DN who is four months old and whose mum is on a hen weekend. DN is formula fed and is in her own room. Apparently she was 'absolutely brilliant' last night because she had a quick dream feed then slept till 6.45am. My parents get very pissed off looking after my two (once in a blue moon) due to DS2 being unsettled in the evenings.

AIBU to think I shouldn't have bothered breastfeeding/co-sleeping? I've read countless books, researched everything to the hilt and I have no help.

🤦‍♀️ clearly the wrong place - thought I was texting my husband 😂

Grenoble, my exclusively bf PFB slept through at 4 months. He just did....and I was very fucking lucky and didn't mention it to anyone in my baby friends group. Dd on the other hand (also exclusively bf) didn't sleep for years .
Op parent how you like. Unless you're negligent or abusive loads of different methods will be 'good enough', night wean, sleep train, co-sleep, feed to sleep... whatevers...Do what works for you and your kids (but do remember you in all of that, if you need more sleep start to think about how you can get to that)

purple your post made more sense than my last one tbh...

Each baby / child is different. My 4 year old has never been a good sleeper. he was BF and bottle fed - didn't make any difference which. IMO the older generation (e.g. my mum and MiL) are both a bit obsessed about the concept of sleeping through and them sleeping alone. I ignore it all now but when DS was a baby /toddler it was highly irritating as I took it as negative comments on my ability as a mum - it felt like I was failing, listening to all the comparisons with other family members children. Now I see my family struggling with other parenting challenges and realise no one has it easy all the time

My 22 has just night weaned

Hoping you mean 22 month old and not 22 year old

OP please try not to compare yourself with your brother's situation. Parenting is a long old game and sleeping and feeding is a really minor part of it overall, although I do know that it doesn't feel that way when they're babies! You just have to do what feels right for them (and you) regardless of what everyone else is doing.

Parenting is a long game! I think we'll all have bits where we think, shit, I've fucked it up. When our children have children themselves I think that might be the time you can decide on balance how it's gone. In the meantime, you're doing great, keeping them alive and fed. Keep going!

What everyone else has said really.
With parenting, as with most things, the best path for most of us is usually somewhere in the middle. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t compare yourself to others, but equally don’t force yourself to continue in ways that are no longer helping you all to thrive.

Don't compare. Honestly. I think 90% of children are who they are without our input.

My babies were Not Good. They didn't sleep. My nieces and nephews were champion sleepers. Now my mum remarks on how good my lot are at eating whereas my nieces and nephews are very very fussy.

PurpleSnails. Thank god it was just about Tilly 😂🤣. It could have been FAR more entertains for us!

purple was Tilly good at night?

You're not doing anything wrong at all! As long as it's working for you and your babies and you're all happy then that's all that matters!
Try not to compare with others (it's hard I know, I do it all the time)
Everyone is different which means every baby is different too. The most important thing is that they are loved and happy, in which case it sounds like you're doing a perfect job! xx

I think easier to care for = better for child/better parenting is wrong.

Have you tried cosleeping with your eldest then they wouldnt need to get up to find you? Either pop them in your bed at bedtime & join them later or move them through to you when you go to bed

Breastfed babies are often clingier, but you could interpret that as having a closer bond which isn't a bad thing even though it's a bit harder work!

My DD2 was breastfed but spent most of the first 6 months in hospital and a lot of that tube fed. She didn't particularly care who was holding her or react any differently to me while she was a baby. She was the only one out of the 3 to sleep well and not be clingy, but I'd definitely rather have had her having more of a secure attachment with me over the extra sleep.

You chose to do the whole co-sleeping, breast on demand parenting and that has its downsides as well as its upsides. You can't blame your mam for preferring to mind the children that sleep through the night over the ones that don't. That doesn't mean she doesn't love your children.

Tbh if your struggling, and who can blame you if you haven't had a good night's sleep in 5yrs, its time to get the children out of your bed. 5 is old enough to be sleeping in their own bed. At 22 months I wouldnt be feeding at night. Give him a bottle of water whenever he wakes up and eventually he'll stop waking during the night when he realises there's no more feeds.

Ok but I formula fed both of my children from birth. ds1 was a robot baby who slept 11 hours a night from 9 weeks old, and took three, 2 hour long, naps a day until he was 1. I hardly knew him, he slept so much, and when he wasn't sleeping he was growing and developing. He never cried.

Ds2 didn't like milk. Or sleep. Or being put down, really. And While I was pregant with him, Ds1 had a massive regression that turned out to be ASD and he has never been the same. He's never slept through the night again and he's 15 now. He didn't speak until he was 3.5. Ds2 used a fork before he did.

And I didn't actually cause ANY of that. It's unlikely that you've caused the issues you're having with your kids either.

waddle the thing is, what we do works for us, it just doesn't work for my parents (understandably!). DS1 goes to his own bed with either me or DH while DS2 plays a bit longer. DS1 reads to us (although he's a free reader so might not need to do this so often now) then goes to sleep with a story CD. I then feed DS2 to sleep in my bed.

DS2 is getting back teeth so I suppose that's going to be waking him lots at the moment.

Thanks everyone for you kind words, it's really helped me feel better

Co sleeping is against SIDs guidelines isn’t it? We co sleep but I don’t kid myself it isn’t riskier than sleeping separately.

OP I’m so with you. I have a love hate relationship with co sleeping and am dreading them being in bed with us forever. I think we’ve failed them with a lack of displine. And purely laziness tbh. But at least we all get some sleep.

ShackUp,, don't change what you're doing in the hopes of pleasing your parents. The chances are they won't help you anyway, because you've got 2 kids who are mobiles and your brother has one docile robot baby

I realise now I asked for it to be deleted that it looks much more exciting than it was 🤦‍♀️😂

ShackUp ah sorry I mis read! If it works for you then it's all good
We bedshare & havent had a child free night in a decade as a result but on balance it works for us (& i figure it's a small part of life really)

PurpleSnails I shall be composing your shocking texts in my head now

Honestly op I think when we compare ourselves to others ( easily done, I do it ) there are always things to make us feel inadequate.

I have 2 dc. Ds is 15 and dd is 7.
I have never done the waking in the night thing, I don't know how it happened, both of my children just slept and slept. How smug was I....

Until fast forward to now, dd has started with the nightmares and pretty much sleeps in our bed every night... ds has AS and doesn't settle well at night, takes him hours to drop off.

So whilst I didn't have it when they were babies, I'm getting it now. Can't have any peace at night as ds is up later than us as parents, no sex life, sleep patterns all over the place ( musical beds anyone? )

We're all sort of winging it, children don't come with a manual, if only! and we're all also doing our best.
And that is good enough

You are not alone.

4DCs, and all were like you describe. The youngest is starting to sleep through more consistently (4-5 nights a week when well) at 5 and a half. Also have the goddam amazing DN according to grandparents. DC4 remains v unsettled in the evenings. We get no babysitting ever. DN was regularly looked after all day for a whole week in several school hols per year from 2-10yrs.

It used to piss me off. Now I just care less, and bother less. Their loss.

Sometimes it still gets me. It is tough

How could anybody leave a 4mo?

Do we really have to make the op feel better by tearing her sil down for daring to have a good sleeper and shock having a night out while her baby is happy with grandparents.

Seriously op you can not compare. You have not parented wrong and neither have your brother and sil. Just like there are different parenting styles, there are different children. What one area your children are not so great at, another they will excel in. I don’t blame your parents though for finding your children difficult to have overnight. It would be very difficult looking after two children who are unsettled and want Mum over a child who sleeps very easily, does not mean they love your children any less I am sure. They just know what they can cope with.

Hope your sleeping situation improves soon.