To wonder if late forties is really too late for DP To be a dad?

[MrsLemonadeBrain]

Just probing really here, there’s little over 10 years between DP and I and we’ve been taking about starting a family and how it’s probably best we wait a few years.
Perfectly reasonable in many ways, but that will bring DP up to 46/47 when I become pregnant /give birth permitting all goes well and we fall quickly. (Something that I’m not 100 on given that I’ve had one previous pregnancy that ended in tmfr at 19w 5d and that took over 2 years to fall)

Just wondering if anyone has experience of this and how having, being or parenting with an older dad impacted you/ your DC(‘s)
Thanks

The biggest concern from what you've written is that you took 2 years to conceive, what if it takes 2years + to conceive again, are you taking that into account?

If you are certain you want a family, I'd drop the contraception now and leave it to be, not actively 'try' but let it happen if it does.

Older fathers are at higher risk of having children with autism spectrum diorders though. It’s not risk free.

www.autismspeaks.org/science/science-news/study-ties-dad’s-age-risk-autism-other-mental-disorders-kids

I had my first child at 36 and my second at 39. I’m 53 now and exhausted!!! If I could choose now I would have them younger when I had more energy.
Each to their own though, we are all different

Had DS via IVF when I was 38 and DH was 47. I’m now 56, DH is 65 and DS is 18 and off to University. We both look and act young for our age and are fit and healthy so there’s no problem.

Do you have any experience with primary school pick ups OP? Ime parents in their 50s are totally normal.

My dad was 51 when my youngest brother was born and suffered no ill effects! They used to go climbing together until last year when my brother decided to give it up for a while, my Dad's still climbing at 73.

So I guess it's down to the individuals energy and activity levels really. I know many less energetic, and engaged, much younger fathers.

Sorry for the harsh sounding post! I just meant with you struggling a bit before, I know it gets harder after 35 so if I were you that would be my primary concern not the age of your DP. I know some amazing older dads who love it!

Stupid phone took my apostrophe from individual's!

Yes..... DS 1 is in Yr 4, and older parents abound. The world is different nowadays and life is different. Second families... people not meeting someone they want to have children with until later......the days of people marrying in their early 20s as the norm is long past us.

My dad was 46 when they had me but wasn't a great dad because of who he was, it had nothing to do with age.
My DH became a dad again at 55 ( I was 43) and he's brilliant. He took early retirement 3 years later and spends hours playing with DC and doing basic chores such as breakfast, school lunches, bedtime etc.
My best friend's DH was a dad at 35 and died from cancer at 46.
Age is irrelevant. It the ability and personality that's important.

You are more likely to have twins after the age of 35. Who knew said I finding out I was having twins!

It was great for us when DP became dd in early 50s. He had so much more time to spend with DC and dint feel they were hold8ng him back in his career.

The ages and age differences of the OP + partner are the same as the situation in my family and I had a baby in my late 30s. We have been very happy and the fact that DC's father is now nearly 60 is not a problem- in my view it is whether an individual is ready to put in the effort and make the sacrifices required to be a good parent that are the important elements. There are also plenty of older dads doing pick-ups, some of whom have grown up children with another partner but increasingly men who have had children later. I have seen this in my personal life and professionally- I meet parents who range from twenties to sixties in my job. I have also met a few parents who had their children in their twenties and then had an 'unexpected' child when the mother thought she was having the menopause. In all these situations the parents' age was not hugely relevant to the relationship it's their children. Finally, as PPs have noted, sadly, a parent can die suddenly at any age- as one of mine did when I was young.

Anyway, does it really matter what other people think of your relationship and other choices if you are happy with them? A couple of times my DC has had the 'is that your grandad or your dad?' comment but it doesn't bother them- they just think that the person has made an ill-judged comment and deserves to feel embarrassed.

I'm 41 my OH's 61 and we're just ready to start TTC. My Dad is 78, my uncle died at 41. It's a lottery. But we're fit and healthy, financially secure, rock solid in our relationship and we'd be great parents so I think those things are more important than age. Just go for it and good luck - none of us can pedi t the future x

Thank you all so much. I’m so pleased that it’s been positive for so many people.
I was in no way trying to sound ageist, I just mean, my Dps and even my grandma were younger than 46 when I was born. And my friends were young mums, and sim was in her twenties, And so my personal experience and frame of reference doesn’t really include older parents
My mum hit her menopause at 37/38 which also really worries me.
And with regard to DP being 50s at primary school gates, I was thinking of him being able to keep up with a little one in his fifties, i’m a teacher and work in a reception class one day a week and as much as I love the kids I teach it sure is tiring.
Is it fair on a child to have older parents?
What if DP isn’t around for their weddings, or to teach them to drive?
I really don’t know what to do!

AnnaHindrer
Thank you - that was very kind

Think carefully OP, sadly most of the people I know that have done this, it has been to the detriment of their relationship with DP, I haven’t read all the thread, has your DP already got children from previous relationship? If so will DP want to start again?

I know times have changed and people are becoming parents later, for many different reasons, but growing up, a girl in my class would not allow her dad to come to school, as she was embarrassed that he was so much older, sad to say I know, but it was genuinely how she felt.

Good luck with your decision, and I hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

HI @yoga
No neither DP or I have children. And have been in a realationship for a fair while so it’s not so much “starting again” just that we’re a little late to the party

I lost my dad when I was 15 and he was 65. He was (obviously) older when he had me. I know life is a lottery and you never know when ‘your’ time will come. Logically though l, the older you are the less time you have alive - I would have loved to have had a few more years with him. If you can make it work now, I would go for it.

DH and I are now 52 and 48 with 2 adopted DDs aged 9 and 6. Is it ideal? No, I think we both wish we were 10 years younger at times. But it's just how life turned out so we have no regrets.

My dad died at 53, shit happens. He fathered me in his thirties. He wasn't at my wedding, my uncle walked me down the aisle, and as for driving my best friend and I enroled at a driving school. You are over thinking.

I think age is irrelevant too. It's your health and fitness plus how easy you find looking after young children that is important. You wouldn't think 46 too old to take on a busy, fairly physical full time job with long hours.

I would consider your own age too not to be offensive.

I think with regards to the father as long as he's loving and supportive that's the most important thing. Plenty of younger dads are useless so.. some people are raised by grandparents. It all depends on him really.

You are overthinking, get on with it!