To wonder if late forties is really too late for DP To be a dad?

[MrsLemonadeBrain]

Just probing really here, there’s little over 10 years between DP and I and we’ve been taking about starting a family and how it’s probably best we wait a few years.
Perfectly reasonable in many ways, but that will bring DP up to 46/47 when I become pregnant /give birth permitting all goes well and we fall quickly. (Something that I’m not 100 on given that I’ve had one previous pregnancy that ended in tmfr at 19w 5d and that took over 2 years to fall)

Just wondering if anyone has experience of this and how having, being or parenting with an older dad impacted you/ your DC(‘s)
Thanks

@claraschu, I love your story !

My DH was in his 50s when we had DC1 and just under 59 when we had DC2. We're both really looking forward to having him at home for the DCs while they are still at school.

I get so frustrated with people taking offence at the suggestion that mid 30s is late to be having children. It’s not an insult to older mums, it’s a statement of medical fact. I left conception late as I hadn’t met the right person, and ended up needing IVF at age 36. Of course we all have stories of people who conceived multiple kids in their 40s, but they’re the minority. Unless there were compelling reasons to delay OP, I wouldn’t suggest leaving it too long.
As far as older fathers are concerned, I think it’s entirely dependent on the individual. Plenty of men have kids in the mid/late 40s with no problems at all.

My FIL was pushing 50 when DH was born. He is still going strong in his mid 80s, although he is quite slow and not very active. FIL has also had cancer, heart problems and cataracts and is still with us.

DH is quite open about it being weird having a much older dad when he was a kid, but he talks really fondly about doing stuff together - neither are very sporty, but they bonded over board games, airfix kits and fixing things. He adores his dad.

I think it comes down to attitude and approach to life - my dad always felt he was an older dad and he is 20 years younger!

Skewed stats though. Most women with no fertility problems will have no problem conceiving at 36. Sorry you had to go through that, though

It sounds to me as it your head it telling you you need to start trying again but your heart is not ready for the disappointment/heartache of trying and a potential failure.

With your history of pregnancy, I would get back on the horse. Have you had any counselling? You say you are terrified, I think you need some help coming to terms with losing your first baby OP.

I was 44 when I gave birth to DS and DH was 50 years old six months later.

DH seems to spend more time with DS than some of the younger dads we know (not all by any means). I think that's because he's well established in his work (he's self employed as a consultant) so he can, to some extent, pick and choose what he does. A younger dad may well be trying to establish themselves in their field so has to work longer hours etc., DH and DS go swimming, cycling, we try to get out at least one day every weekend. DH is a school governor, helps with a local dads group supporting dads who need mentoring as well as run his own company. But he's always been a busy person.

Of our DS's friends - taking a pot luck of 10 of them - three of the dads were in their thirties when they were born, four were early to mid forties and two were mid to late forties (I've included DH in that). One friend's dad was 55 when he was born. The dad is a sports fanatic and fitter than most of the others put together!

On the sadder side, one of the group lost their dad when he was just 45 years old to cancer. Fate dealt that man a rotten hand. He and his DW had IVF three times before they got their DC. Then he contracted cancer when his DC was just three years old and died six months later. Heartbreaking. Age doesn't come into it then really.

You could be me OP! Currently trying for a baby and we're the same ages as you and your partner. DP is very worried about being an older dad but I'm not. A lot of our friends have done the same and my own dad was in his mid 40s when he had me.

Like other posters have said I'm more worried about being 35 and just starting trying to conceive.

My husband was 50 when we had our first, and 60 when we had our last baby. I was 28 and 38.
He has always insisted on being involved in all aspects of the children's care, probably because he had given up all hope of being a father and wanted to experience every part of it. He plays sports with them and takes them fishing and is involved in their education.
Despite all expectations our teenagers refuse to be ashamed of either of us and they think it's great that their father is retired and thus able to spend so much time with them.

I'm 36 and my dp is 55 and we have a seven month old DS. We have been together seven years. Dp has two children, from his previous marriage. I know we did the right thing. His bond with our ds is great. No, he probably won't be able to do too much of the physical parenting. Who knows what the future holds. But we are happy and have made the right choice for us. I don't feel that our son will ever miss out. if it feels right then do it. Babies and children just simply need love and a family home.

Please be aware that the older you get the more your fertility plummets. If you think you would like to have a child I would recommend that you get on with it sooner rather than later. As soon as I had one, I wished I hadn’t left it so late.

In 50s at primary school pick-up is a problem?? I must look like a total problem, I am nearly 55 and my DS is in Year 4.

Chrys2017

In medical terms, if the mother-to-be is over 35 it's termed a "geriatric pregnancy". It may be socially normal nowadays but on the physical level it's not ideal.
Really? Not once was this mentioned to me throughout my pregnancy. Not by my midwife or doctor. I was never referred to as this and it was never in my notes.

When it comes down to it, all the anecdotal accounts in the world don't make any difference. It's purely about you and your DH; your respective health, fitness, energy, attitudes and likely lifespans.

We tried for 8 years for DD.

I was 25 weeks pregnant on my 40th.

He was almost 43 when she was born. They are currently looking at youtube videos of tents and she's dressed in a Scooby Doo suit :)

They have the most amazing relationship

DH was 54 when our first was born and 57 when our second was born. He did not have any children in his first marriage.

It's fine. If anything, he has been a more involved father because he was settled in his career and could take a step back.

The only problem have been other peoples prejudices. But tbh you get that no matter what you do on the parenting front.

My dad was in his late 40s when I was born and 40 years later he has fewer health problems that my mum who is a decade younger, but of the two of them he lead a healthier lifestyle anyway, didn't smoke, didn't drink much cycled to work etc.

Nothing wrong with his age. Of course, the odds are stacked against your dh seeing any dc through to middle age.

As others have said, your fertility will be starting to plummet. Knowing what I know now )having been through ivf), I would spend a couple of hundred or so getting a fertility mot from a private gynaecologist specialising in pregnancy/ fertility. They can check anything from your hormone levels, scan your womb and ovaries, even take samples of your lining for analysis. And check your dh out at the same time. Then you will know a) your chances of getting pregnant soon. And b) your risk of miscarriage.

My father as 49 when I was born and died when he was 67. He was a wonderful father and I regret not really having the chance to get to know him as an adult - but that could have happened to anyone.

My cousin also became a dad for the first time in his late 40s. He wouldn’t be without his son who is now 8 for the world but he is very full on and I know my cousin is often exhausted and misses adult life sometimes. He is the primary carer though.

It is a fact that fertility changes as you get older. Although I conceived straightaway with no 2 and 3 age 34 and 36 and ttc no 4 now at 38 so it depends on the person. I know someone who couldn't conceive in late 30's and also my mum couldn't, we were all (4 of us) born in her 20's but she wanted another in her mid 30's but it didn't happen.

mid 40's isn't too old by any means to be a dad but fertility takes a dive in men over 40. Usually it's alright but not always.

I had kids with my DH when I was 41 and he was 42. We both wish we’d been younger, it’s more exhausting than we’d anticipated. Also, from a biology perspective, your DH is well past his prime years for fathering a child and you are likely to have a slightly harder time conceiving and a slightly higher risk of abnormalities the longer you wait. Of course I have no idea what your situation is. It may be the pay off for waiting is worthwhile for you. But you aren’t foolish to wonder about it, physically it’s not an advantage to be older.

I was 37 and DH was 46 when DC1 was born so exactly your ages.
He's now 67 and youngest DC is 20.
The good.
DH retired at 55 when DC were still in primary school so he was very much more present in their lives than other fathers.
Financially secure.
The not so good.
the odds are stacked against dh seeing any dc through to middle age
He was the oldest dad among their peers which didn't start to matter until they were teens, though was never a big problem.

When my mum was born, her mum was 49 and her dad was in his '50,s.

My dh is 53 and we had our last when he was 47. I was 43. I think its fine :) There are a lot of older mums and dads around now. I don't think its a big issue tbh esp for a man [ who doesn't need to undergo the pregnancy]

Effic - Sorry to hear about your ex partner. That must be truly awful for both you and your ds. I think you can console yourself with the knowledge you gave ds a brilliant dad for 16yrs. He has those memories and no one can take them away from him. He's left DS a good legacy.
You have no idea what the odds would've been had you chosen a much younger man, he could have been s shit dad for a very long time.
You've chose well and unfortunately we all have to die some day. Its just sad when it happens.