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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you want the legal protection of marriage then get married

947 replies

Sofabitch · 14/04/2018 12:19

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about how widows allowance isn't paid to couples that weren't married, even if children are involved.

Aibu to think marriage is essentially the legal joining of people and if you want to be recognised legally and finacially then you should get married.

I guess the supreme court will ultimately decide if I am being unreasonable. But i can't help but think people dont realise the legal security marriage offers and they should.

OP posts:
DanceDisaster · 16/04/2018 11:29

@Love

Not even sure why I’m so interested , but would you have had a humanist ceremony / blessing type thing? I’d be really surprised if a wedding venue wasn’t familiar with that! Glad they got it eventually.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 16/04/2018 11:29

It would appear that French people have more choice than British about the institutions available for them to enter, but less choice about the form a wedding can take.

DanceDisaster · 16/04/2018 11:30

PS: I used to work in hospitality, so I’m weirdly curious about hotels / venues and how they handle this

LoveInTokyo · 16/04/2018 11:31

That’s OK, it’s a bit of a weird concept for us Brits and I don’t know the ins and outs of the pacte civil anyway because we never did it. (In retrospect I wish we had.)

DanceDisaster · 16/04/2018 11:33

I also studied in Paris and had never heard of a pacte civil till this thread! I was a student in my early twenties though, so nobody I knew there was married. The place where I stayed there had a chapel attached to it though and it was frequently used for Irish Catholic weddings.

LoveInTokyo · 16/04/2018 11:34

Dance

Probably (long story short but in the end we are having a church ceremony anyway, it was complicated for the same reasons as yours) but at the time we were just enquiring about a “normal” wedding ceremony in a hotel.

DanceDisaster · 16/04/2018 11:37

Ah good luck with it all!

LoveInTokyo · 16/04/2018 11:38

Thank you, we seem to have got there in the end! Smile

Babynut1 · 16/04/2018 11:39

YANBU!!
It took a heart attack for my uncle to finally see sense and marry his partner of 20 years. When they realised she would be homeless and penniless if they didn’t marry then he finally agreed to marry her x

etcher70 · 16/04/2018 11:43

Okay, so I am in a long term relationship with 2 children. My partner and I are not married although we aren't ruling out the idea - just never got around to it. My partner has a good job whereas I have stayed at home to look after the children and now work part time (not a 'living wage'). Please could someone be kind enough to list the benefits marriage would give us over and above our current situation?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 16/04/2018 11:48

You really need to get some legal advice tailored to your situation etcher. It will depend on the value of your assets, if you have any, how they are owned and your priorities.

If you were to split, at the moment any assets wouldn't be split in a way that reflects your reduction in earnings to care for the children, whereas the court would need to take this into account if you were married.

AJPTaylor · 16/04/2018 11:52

Yanbu
You can get married for circa 100 quid in a registry office. No religious content and that is the mechanism for straight couples to have their relationship recognised.

LoveInTokyo · 16/04/2018 11:57

etcher70

If your relationship were to end and you were married, you would have to go to court to get divorced and the court would share your joint assets between you. You would likely get a share of your husband’s assets in recognition of the non-financial contributions you have made to the marriage (such as childcare) and the career hit you may have taken.

If you’re not married, you walk away with what’s yours and he walks away with what’s his. He would most likely be a lot better off than you and you would continue to have limited earning capacity due to your childcare responsibilities. I imagine you don’t have much pension provision either.

If one of you were to get ill or die, the other would be considered next of kin and able to make decisions about medical treatment or funeral arrangements if you were married. If you’re not married, someone else might be considered next of kin.

If one of you dies without a will (or if an existing will is lost or deemed invalid), if you are married the surviving spouse will inherit under the intestacy rules. If you are not married it would go to your children first, but the surviving spouse might not be able to touch the money for their own use or to support the children before they turn 18. The surviving spouse also wouldn’t be entitled to claim any benefits currently available to people who have been widowed. If your joint assets exceed the inheritance tax threshold then being married would also be an advantage.

Oblomov18 · 16/04/2018 12:07

This really pisses me off. If you want the benefits of being married... then... errr. go and get married.
Just don't get it.... Hmm

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2018 12:08

“This really pisses me off”

Why does it piss you off?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 16/04/2018 12:10

Except when we tried to do in the UK what you can easily do in France and was met with blank stares and confusion

How terrible of the British to have services which are a good fit to British law, and not immediately jump to when an ex-pat comes in to set them right with the superior services of another country.

In other news, I couldn't get Marmite with my breakfast in a French Ibis last week.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 16/04/2018 12:11

but didn’t know how to go about it without having a registrar to come and perform the ceremony

Of course they didn't. What were you even asking for? What "ceremony" else were you asking for? "I'd like to be married, except I'm already married, but not by someone who does marriages?" What did you expect them to say?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 16/04/2018 12:15

at the time we were just enquiring about a “normal” wedding ceremony in a hotel.

You weren't, because you were already married. People having a normal wedding ceremony in a hotel aren't already married, what with it being, you, a wedding.

What you are essentially saying is that people who offer an everyday service used by thousands every weekend should have a knowledge of, and offer a service to pander to, someone obsessed with another country's marriage laws who's trying to prove how much smarter they are by demanding an obscure bespoke service and getting snotty about it when they don't immediately do what you think they should.

Did you tell them that it was much better in France? Did that go down well, or did they tell you that if you want a French service, the best place to get it is in France?

LoveInTokyo · 16/04/2018 12:19

Oh come on, get off your high horse.

Not sure why I’m getting so much grief for expressing my opinion that the system works better and offers more choice in France than in the UK.

PoorYorick · 16/04/2018 12:32

Why does it piss you off?

I doubt anyone's pissed off about anyone's decision not to marry. I can see why it might annoy someone when couples demand legal recognition of their relationship while refusing to legalise it, or even objecting to the very concept.

I also can't think of any way to give legal status to a relationship (and all the subsequent protections) without having some sort of system to legalise it. All these options and ideas to fill in a form, do it with a solicitor etc are just alternative ways of legalising it.

Slyvestersmouth · 16/04/2018 12:42

I often think I'm not smart enough for Mumsnet but I have learnt a lot here. I had my dd when I was 26. I was not informed about the benefits of marriage then. Dd wasn't exactly planned and I didn't know how much it was change my life. I was stupid I never liked the idea of a wedding (I know you don't have to one, but family pressure on both sides was there and I found it hard to ignore). Also my dad was abusive and I'm the product of rape. Knowing that when he raped my mum and made me, it wasn't seen as rape in the eyes of the law, really put me off marriage even though I know things have changed. To me it was simple. Don't get married. After having a child I suddenly saw everything change. My working hours were long and involved a lot of overtime. I'm 10 years younger than him and was just starting out in my career, he earned 4 times my salary. So I gave up my job. This really damaged my self esteem and lead to depression. I now have PTSD on top of this and barely leave the house most days. So I'm unmarried with a child and no job and mental health issues. And I'm not happy in my relationship and want to leave but I feel absolutely stuck. I don't know what to do. I understand why posters get annoyed about those who are in my position, but I really didn't know better. And now I'm here, and I don't know what to do about it tbh.

JamPasty · 16/04/2018 12:43

In the UK if you want to have a separate official wedding and party, you just get married at the register office, and book a party as some other venue. You can get a humanist celebrant for tge party bit if you want a blessing that's secular. Simples.

Slyvestersmouth · 16/04/2018 12:44

And I'm someone who posted above saying I wish c.p's were available to heterosexual couples. I would have done that you see because it doesn't have the weight behind it that marriage does to me. But I didn't know it was homophobic. I said I was stupid. Blush

LoveInTokyo · 16/04/2018 12:46

You don’t sound stupid, you sound like you’ve had a rough time of it.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 16/04/2018 12:49

In the UK if you want to have a separate official wedding and party, you just get married at the register office, and book a party as some other venue.

Quite. But it's better in France, where you would get married at the marie, and book a party at some other venue. Quite why it's better is rather harder to see, BUT IT'S BETTER.

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