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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you want the legal protection of marriage then get married

947 replies

Sofabitch · 14/04/2018 12:19

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about how widows allowance isn't paid to couples that weren't married, even if children are involved.

Aibu to think marriage is essentially the legal joining of people and if you want to be recognised legally and finacially then you should get married.

I guess the supreme court will ultimately decide if I am being unreasonable. But i can't help but think people dont realise the legal security marriage offers and they should.

OP posts:
DrEustaciaBenson · 14/04/2018 12:57

I do think civil partnerships should be available to heterosexual couples.

What is the difference between a civil partnership and a register office wedding?

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 12:58

So if you are living together and get pregnant/have a child/decide to be the main carer/put your career on hold/earn a non-living wage etc how do you 'force' your other half to get married if they really don't want to?

You can't, and nor should you be able to. What you can do is decide whether or not you wish to continue the relationship and have a child by someone who isn't prepared to legalise the relationship.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 14/04/2018 12:59

running as PPs have said - you get married first. Shockeroo.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 13:00

I do think civil partnerships should be available to heterosexual couples.

The main difference between civil partnerships and marriage is that the former does not recognise the sexual element of the contract. So you cannot dissolve it on the grounds of adultery, or for undergoing it with an undisclosed STD, and so on.

There is a reason why gay rights movements weren't happy with it. It's a lesser institution.

That said, I've no objection to heterosexual couples being able to have it if they want it. I just can't see why they would if they could just marry.

Tartyflette · 14/04/2018 13:01

It's amazing the number of people who think the term 'common law' husband or wife has some legal meaning and affords them protection(s) in the event of separation or death.
The sad fact is that a partner left behind may be left with absolutely nothing. And that a previous (separated but not divorced) spouse may be able to claim from a deceased person's estate.
And that's without going into the Inheritance Tax advantages given to a married couple.
I also agree civil partnerships should be available to all couples, not just same-sex ones, especially as same-sex couples can choose civil partnership or marriage, whichever they prefer.

BonnieF · 14/04/2018 13:02

The current law on civil partnerships clearly discriminates against same-sex couples.

Following a recent test case, which was unsuccessful, the judges effectively told the government to go away and sort the law out, or they would do it for them. The government are reviewing civil partnership and deciding whether to end discrimination by reforming to make it available to everyone, or abolishing it.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 13:02

I don't usually quote Ally McBeal, of all things, but I do remember a time when a female judge was upset because her partner wouldn't marry her. He said it was meaningless and she replied, "It must mean something if you won't do it."

Speedy85 · 14/04/2018 13:02

What is the difference between a civil partnership and a register office wedding?

It might seem like a minor point but I think some people's parents would go mad if people went and got married without having a big family wedding, but they might be OK if people entered into a civil partnership with the expectation that they would later have a big event to the marriage.

Maybe it would be better if people would just be more relaxed about people eloping though, the average cost of weddings nowadays is completely out of hand, but it seems quite common for people to get upset about and I know my PIL would have never forgiven us if we'd eloped (they still talk about another relative who eloped and how it wasn't the proper way of doing things).

Speedy85 · 14/04/2018 13:04

*to celebrate the marriage

EasterBunBun · 14/04/2018 13:05

I heard it announced as a case about ‘unmarried widows’ which made me go ?? It was then made clear what they were talking about but it is nonsensical, as a legal term, and that is a concern for those who don’t realise until too late that being a partner does not carry the same legal status as a spouse. ( Not confusing that with social status, btw)

lattewith3shotsplease · 14/04/2018 13:05

It's the reason I married Wink

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 13:06

And yes, as PPs have said: there is no such thing as common law marriage. Not since the Marriage Act of 1753. Ever since then, people in the UK have required a formal ceremony to become married.

Legalising your relationship is a choice. People do not have to do it. If you want your relationship to be recognised in the law, legalise it.

I swear, if I hear any more 'it's just a piece of paper', 'I don't want to wear a wedding ring', 'I don't want a big white wedding', 'He's saying I can change my name anyway' and so on, I'm really going to start screaming. You don't have to get married. It may well not be in your best interests to get married. It may be in your best interests but you just don't want to. That's all fine, you don't have to. But at least understand what it is, and what it does for you, before you decide!

And don't set fire to the house deeds or a £50 note just because they're 'pieces of paper'. You'll regret it.

missbonita · 14/04/2018 13:07

'It must mean something if you wont do it"

^^ this!

I don't understand so many of my friends attitudes. We are treated like weird old traditionalists because we got married. Various friends have told me its 'outdated' and they 'don't need a piece of paper to prove their love'

Well, I want a legally binding contract before I put my career on hold to gestate and feeding our children. And I came into this with savings, and want them protected, as well as my right to my home. I have stood mouth hanging open listening to close friends, such intelligent women telling me they don't mind that their partners 'wont' get married because they 'don't need a fancy dress' - as if that is why, aged 24, DH and I went to the register office on a Saturday afternoon and signed the papers. Turkeys would vote for Xmas if they thought it's make them look 'cool and laid back' eh?

TomRavenscroft · 14/04/2018 13:07

I think YABU.

I've been with my DP for 20 years, happily and faithfully, a lot more so than many marriages.

But because we're not married, if one of us carks it the other would be subject to inheritance tax.

I find it unfair that one form of relationship is privileged and protected over others.

We would happily go into a civil partnership if they were available to straight couples.

BrieAndChilli · 14/04/2018 13:07

DHs granddad died. He had split from DHs nan about 35 years previously. They had both almost immediately gone into long term relationships. DHs grandad had been with his partner for nearly 25 years and they had a child together.

Because they had never divorced when he died all his estate went to DHs nan.

Now because DHs family are normal and civilised she immediately gave up any claim and it was all divided between his partner, and his 3 daughters. It wasn’t divided equally but was divided fairly eg the partner still lives in the house, everyone else got a proportion of savings and the business sale proceeds etc

But in a lot of cases the ‘ex’ wife might have taken the lot.

ForalltheSaints · 14/04/2018 13:10

I agree with the OP, even more so since same-sex marriages were introduced. The only thing I would change is that the minimum age would be 18, as a measure to try to reduce forced marriages and given the higher school/training leaving age.

MuddlingMackem · 14/04/2018 13:11

If people want the equivalent of civil partnership for heterosexual couples, they can just nip down to the register office and do the paperwork. They don't have to broadcast it to their families if they have only done it for the legalities, not for a wedding day though.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 13:12

I find it unfair that one form of relationship is privileged and protected over others.

It's privileged and protected because those people have chosen to make it so and you could do exactly the same! You're not being victimised!

If you want the IHT protection, then legalise your relationship!

Helpmeplan · 14/04/2018 13:12

@TomRavenscroft it will not change. You need to get married.

Marylou2 · 14/04/2018 13:14

Not being married and then expecting the financial benefits of marriage to apply to you is exactly the same as not being insured and wondering where your payment is when something goes wrong.

MinnieMousse · 14/04/2018 13:15

Sounds fine in theory but it doesn't always work like that in real life. The legal protections most often, though not in all cases, benefit the woman in the relationship, so it is sometimes harder to persuade the man.

I am one of the "idiots" who got pregnant without being married. We'd always discussed marriage, but the biological clock was ticking and I really wanted a baby. Most of our friends had their DC before getting married, nearly all of them have got married since. DP has decided he doesn't want to get married. Yes, I was probably foolish to have children without being married and it is a bone of contention in our otherwise good relationship. But I can't force him to and I would be worse off if I left, and we are happy apart from this issue, so I don't know what else I can do. We have financial arrangements in place in case either of us dies.

crisscrosscranky · 14/04/2018 13:17

YANBU.

I don't know why so many people believe in the myth of the 'common law wife'. I corrected one of my unmarried friends the other day and she was adamant I was wrong.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 13:17

We would happily go into a civil partnership if they were available to straight couples.

You realise that you would not be able to divorce him if he cheated on you? The contract would not recognise the sexual element of your relationship and it would not give your partner assumed paternity of your kids.

You have much better protections under marriage, which is why gay rights activists were right to fight for it.

It's irrelevant how long you've been together. Marriage does not mean the law regards you as more in love. It simply means it regards you as legally committed. Because you are. If you choose not to marry, you are choosing not to commit legally, and the law has to act in accordance to what you've chosen to do. It won't bind you into a contract you didn't enter!

Snausage · 14/04/2018 13:17

@TomRavenscroft I have a genuine question: why would you entertain a civil partnership but not a marriage?

TheJoyOfSox · 14/04/2018 13:17

Of course you are absolutely correct. I think it’s so sad when people think marriage is just a piece of paper. It’s not, especially if children are involved and yet so many people seem to be in a huge rush to have babies with someone they have been living with for 2 months.

By all means avoid marriage if it’s not for you, but don’t moan that you are not entitled to the benefits of being a wife especially if the very worst happens to your dp.

If you’re committed enough to have children and/or a mortgage together then why put off the security that wedded bliss brings?

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