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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you want the legal protection of marriage then get married

947 replies

Sofabitch · 14/04/2018 12:19

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about how widows allowance isn't paid to couples that weren't married, even if children are involved.

Aibu to think marriage is essentially the legal joining of people and if you want to be recognised legally and finacially then you should get married.

I guess the supreme court will ultimately decide if I am being unreasonable. But i can't help but think people dont realise the legal security marriage offers and they should.

OP posts:
meditrina · 14/04/2018 12:25

I agree with you.

But do think there is a need for more (and accurate) information so that people understand the legal differences when deciding how to arrange their personal affairs.

I often post about this - occasionally I'm howled at for being patronising, but it usually goes down OK. I'll probably keep doing it until threads about split up of non-marital relationships leaving one person (usually SAHP or part-timer) untterly screwed over, are rare (not depressingly regular)

GooodMythicalMorning · 14/04/2018 12:27

Yanbu at all

LifeBeginsAtGin · 14/04/2018 12:28

Hear hear.

MidnightAura · 14/04/2018 12:32

I don’t understand this. If you want the protection of marriage then get married. Can’t have the benefits otherwise.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 14/04/2018 12:34

YANBU. It's pretty simple stuff.

Pengggwn · 14/04/2018 12:35

Anybody could claim to be in a relationship or out of one. For example, if widow's allowance was available to a bereaved, unmarried person, and their partner left them a month before their own death, would the allowance be payable, or not? It just doesn't make sense. So YANBU.

Hoppinggreen · 14/04/2018 12:35

I think that too many people forget that marriage is a legally binding contract rather than a lovely day with a fancy dress.
The wedding isn’t as important as the legal protection an actual marriage ( of any style/size/cost) gives
People who say they don’t believe in marriage or don’t need a piece of paper are daft and have no right to complain if they don’t have the same legal protection as married people

Resurgam2016 · 14/04/2018 12:36

The problem in this case is the ongoing belief in 'common law' marriage ie you get marriage like rights if you are in a long term marriage like situation. Just not how it works in the UK.

runningoutofjuice · 14/04/2018 12:37

So if you are living together and get pregnant/have a child/decide to be the main carer/put your career on hold/earn a non-living wage etc how do you 'force' your other half to get married if they really don't want to?

Pengggwn · 14/04/2018 12:38

runningoutofjuice

You can't.

adaline · 14/04/2018 12:40

@runningoutofjuice you don't have kids without the protection of marriage.

So, so many people (mainly women) seem to blindly wander into situations where they're completely unprotected. They give up their jobs and independent income for men who won't marry them. Why?! At least maintain your career if you're not going to get married.

YANBU OP. If you want the protection of marriage, get married.

Bluelady · 14/04/2018 12:41

You can't force anyone to do anything. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't prepared to give me the legal protection marriage brings.

NailsNeedDoing · 14/04/2018 12:41

Running - you make the choice not to get pregnant etc unless you can agree to marriage. Easy.

I completely agree with the OP, although I do think civil partnerships should be available to heterosexual couples.

Pengggwn · 14/04/2018 12:43

Obviously it is never as simple as 'don't have a baby unless...' blah blah blah. Some people can be convincing about intentions but not deliver in the end. Others change their minds. Things get in the way. But the general principle that you can't offer the legal protections of marriage/civil partnership to people who haven't made that legal commitment, is pretty reasonable.

KERALA1 · 14/04/2018 12:47

I have to explain to cohabitees the position on death (zero protection and massive iht hit). Most long term couples with assets above £325k just get married tbh. Being anti marriage can be an extremely expensive principle to uphold.

Helpmeplan · 14/04/2018 12:47

I've been with my other half 24 years. We have 2 children who are fully grown. Until February neither of us really considered marriage. Then I was VERY ill. That changed our mind because our focus was drawn to the legal benefits of being married. So now we've booked our wedding.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 12:48

I agree with you but I think we could do with more education about what marriage is, because an alarming number of people don't seem to know.

The 'piece of paper' argument from people who I am sure would never set fire to a £50 note or the deeds of their house spring immediately to mind.

Glug44 · 14/04/2018 12:48

Yanbu. If you aren’t committed enough to save for the circa £173 fee to marry, then does it really count as a proper relationship? If you put kids into the situation that’s on you.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 14/04/2018 12:50

Yanbu. I thought the same when I heard about this.

Speedy85 · 14/04/2018 12:54

I think YANBU.

I do think it might be a good idea though if the Government brought in civil partnerships for straight couples with the same legal effect as marriage. There are often posts here where people want to be married but can't afford a big day and have family expectations that don't allow them to elope easily. For those people, it might be sensible to privately register a civil partnership and then upgrade to a marriage when the time is right.

My SIL has kids and her long term partner who I think she has been with for 15-20 years doesn't want to marry yet. I do worry about what will happen if one dies or they break up. It is always better if one has the option to marry first.

TerfsUp · 14/04/2018 12:56

YANBU.

Andrewofgg · 14/04/2018 12:56

Oh yes Kerala1 - learning that the Chancellor of the Exchequer does not recognise common law marriage (as they call it) can be a shock to the system!

I have a somber memory of being at the probate office and overhearing a woman in floods of tears who had just learnt that she was going to have to sell her home and pay a massive tax bill because they had never wanted to "waste the money on the fees to get the bit of paper".

LifeofClimb · 14/04/2018 12:56

I think schools should cotton on and include this info at pshe level because it’s so basic and affects everyone who ever expects to have a long term, live in relationship. Quite a few of my friends had no clue about the legal implications until I told them! We’re in our 30s now and at all stages of having babies, living with boyfriends, getting married etc. It’s a good idea to know your rights before all this happens...

haverhill · 14/04/2018 12:57

I would have vehemently disagreed with you 20 years ago, but age and experience have changed my mind. Yanbu.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 12:57

I do think it might be a good idea though if the Government brought in civil partnerships for straight couples with the same legal effect as marriage.

That's called marriage!

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