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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not having sex... teen in next room!

123 replies

Teenagemaw · 14/04/2018 08:38

Namechanged due to embarrasment.
Me and DH havent had sex for a few months. We have a 7yo and a 14yo and the 14yo stays up till about 11/12 ish, a night owl like dh. In the morning we have to be up and out early most mornings... I cant relax to have sex knowing 14 yo is through the paper thin walls... AIBU in asking how the hell we are supposed to have sex??? I am an early nighter so usually sleeping by 11 myself. No childcare at the moment due to a whole other issue with my mum. HELP mumsnet!

OP posts:

pollymere · 15/04/2018 18:22

That's what early on weekends is for. Teens sleep like the dead until noon if you let them. Alternatively, buy your son noise cancelling headphones for TV/tablet saying it disturbs your sleep otherwise. You could also turn off all the lights at eleven, and say it's time for bed, then wait til he's asleep.

Bexterfish · 15/04/2018 18:23

I'm pretty sure my parents had sex in the same room as me when i was a kid once. We were on holiday and they were saying in the same room and thought I was asleep. I was about 7. Its a bit gross but I'm hardly scared for life. I also found a dildo in my dad's drawer once. [Sick] my kids is still little but we do it when our parents or friends are in the house. I hope people can't hear but in not that fussed. It's obvious we have sex we have children!

jessebuni · 15/04/2018 18:27

I’m 27 married with 2 children. Thankfully not at the teenage stage yet but I remember hearing my parents having sex and I know my mum also heard me and one of my boyfriends having sex while I still lived at home. Not full on screaming situation we all tried to be discreet of course but sometimes I would turn my music off at night and hear some creaking going on or parents would turn the telly off and would hear creaking from my room. It didn’t scar me for life. If they’d have been obviously doing it every five seconds at full volume then maybe it would have but as a teenager I obviously knew what sex was and how I came to exist and if anything it was reassuring that after 20 years my parents still cared about one another that way. As long as you make the effort to be discreet about it then just crack on. Pop some music or the tv on in your room, shut the door put a lock on it if you have children that may not knock first and have at it. Same sort of rule for whenever your teen is old enough to be having sex, they should respect the fact that it’s your home and therefore try to be discreet, sensible and safe. It doesn’t bother me now if I hear my parents making a somewhat sexual comment to the other when I’m visiting them. I mean obviously if they were saying something detailed and graphic then of course it would but suggestive comments? Doesn’t bother me at all. My parents are 49 and 50 and still in love and still have sex. If anything it gives me hope that when I am 50 I will still have an active sex life with my husband.

Serin · 15/04/2018 18:29

This is the reason Premier Inns were invented.

(I know, I'm a genius!!)

Missingstreetlife · 15/04/2018 18:45

I think this is why we had to go to Sunday school

Sallystyle · 15/04/2018 19:00

Just do it quietly. Can’t understand those who feel it necessary to scream and shout when others are at home. Save that for times when you are on your own.

It isn't about screaming and shouting.

My husband is a big man (no pun intended) the bed makes a noise. They hear it move. I could do it on the floor but I think my back would give out and that would only result in the children in the room below me hearing more. When the walls are paper thin even heavy breathing can be heard.

So really, if they hear me it's tough luck. I keep it down as much as possible but if they overhear us, they overhear us. None appear traumatised.

DickTERFin · 15/04/2018 19:04

Could you not sneak back downstairs once your teen is in bed? Mine almost never resurfaces till dawn. The floor is your friend if you have a creaky bed and a bit of music will drown out any heavy breathing.

That said, DH and I haven't had night time sex in a couple of years due to a younger DS who is a very light sleeper. Mercifully, DH has a work pattern that means he can get home during the day at least once a week or we'd be having to do without.

My friend had alcoholic parents who would shag very loudly, very frequently when she was a teen and it was traumatising for my friend. She used to sleep over at mine all the time so she didn't have to listen to it, but it was part of a whole host of neglectful/abusive behaviours and I don't think, however icky it is, a teen hearing occasional sex noises from their parents room is anything to call SS over.

Mydoghatesthebath · 15/04/2018 19:07

it gives my hope that wen I am 50 I will still have an active sex life

Oh that’s seriously the sweetest thing I have read and you sound loveky op.

Me and the old man are 50 and have 6 kids and grandchildren

We have the best sex now ever as we sleep all night so not tired, have far more couple time and good finances. It’s definatly better now than when the kids were younger in our 20s.

Go for it. Encouraged them to move out

bedtimestories · 15/04/2018 19:17

Tell him his tv/music is keeping you awake and buy him noise cancelling headphones

DragonMummy1418 · 15/04/2018 19:17

Can Grandparents have them overnight?

LoveBeingAMum555 · 15/04/2018 20:05

This used to cause tension between DH and I because I can't properly relax when I know DS is in the next room but it doesn't bother him. I can't help it, I just feel slightly on edge when I know he is in his room and sex is nowhere near as good for me.

The answer for us is to seize the opportunity when the kids are out and if we don't manage that then it's quiet sex on a weekend morning when they are is asleep. We don't have locks on our doors but the kids always knock and a plastic door wedge is just as good as a lock.

My kids are old enough to have GFs to sleep over and I wouldn't want to hear them having sex. It's natural and perfectly healthy to have sex but something to be kept private as far as possible.

Uniglo18 · 15/04/2018 21:39

The next time you decorate could you put a soundproofing board against the walls & then paint over? Also, move a wardrobe against the adjoining walls for extra soundproofing.

GladAllOver · 15/04/2018 21:56

In earlier times it was common for less affluent families to live and sleep with several generations all in one family space.
And in poorer countries it still happens - people having sex, birth and death all in the one room.

They seem to manage.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 15/04/2018 23:40

Sorry OP not read through all comments and sorry if this has been suggested...

Could you get your teen to take out the little one to a local park "while you get tea and some cleaning done" ;)

exitrowseat · 16/04/2018 00:28

Get creative, and enjoy mixing things up with your sex life! Do you have a minivan or big car? Find some safe secluded places to go “parking” with a big blanket. Explore doing it in exciting places like restaurant bathrooms, parks, a beach, etc. how about you two take a shower together? Mix it up and explore your inner freak! Daytime sex is actually my preference since we are both too tired to really enjoy it at night. Set some lunchtime/coffee time/afternoon hook up dates! My DH and I are married 10 years now, I’m early 50s and he’s older but we love to try new things and keep it interesting. Go for it!

Abbylee · 16/04/2018 03:20

Alright! I'm nearing 60 and our sex life is wonderful. It's better than it was 30 years ago and it was fantastic then.

Frankly. I'm a little insulted to hear the shock that people over 50 have sex. We've done it enough times together that we're really very good at it. Tried the "little pills" but, as long as dh goes to the gym, we don't need those either.

I think that having sex is an integral part of marriage; we argue and snarl if we don't have intimate moments frequently enough. This includes cuddling after and pre-flirting. After all, foreplay begins outside of the bedroom.

Yes. There can be mechanical problems on both sides at our age but part of loving one another and growing old together is figuring out solutions....a bit of self deprecating laughter and confidence in loving one another helps pave the way for fun.
Sex is more than physical, it's emotionally connecting too.

As far as dc hearing, we still have them at home and sometimes foreplay is a sly look exchanged when both dc have obligations that take them out of the house at the same time. It's almost Pavlovian!

Zoflorabore · 16/04/2018 03:42

I get you op!

I have a 7 year old and a 15 year old.

Dd who is 7 is obviously in bed and asleep before we are but ds- dear me he never seems tired. He has AS and struggles to settle but is brilliant at getting up for school.

We stupidly put our bed against the wall of his bedroom rather than on the outside wall and when we decorate soon we will be moving the bed.

It's a creaker

We have often had sex downstairs in the dining room as we have a sofa that converts into a double bed and is good for a quickie.

I've never had locks on the bedroom door but am considering it, would give me more opportunity to relax in bed rather than worrying about one of the dc coming in.

Ds hates sleeping out so he's always here.
Dd has the occasional sleepover.

Our sex drives have definitely ramped up since we both turned 40 in the last year or so.

singledadstu · 16/04/2018 08:03

From the mans perspective it is no different to yours Op. i have a fiancé and we live at separate houses. I have four kids two young and two late teens. She also has two kids one young one late teen. Her house is small paper thin walls mine is bigger and old with good brickwork. We both have work commitments. Her hours vary and often she’s working late. We definitely won’t be waiting months for sex, it is a part of a healthy loving relationship I believe. The older one of my kids sleeps (I don’t think teens actually do sleep) in the adjoining room. I blast the volume on the telly. I think kids know what that means.
I look after them and love them , I’ll give them anything they need but I will not put my life on hold especially for a perfectly natural event such as sex between two people that love one another.

Mydoghatesthebath · 16/04/2018 08:07

exciting places like a restaurant bath room

you mean the bog in pizza express?

Mydoghatesthebath · 16/04/2018 08:09

AbbyLee

Agree at 50 we are having the best sex we ever had. We stated st 18 so like you pretty expert by now

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/04/2018 08:32

exciting places like a restaurant bath room

I think I missed out on the switch in my brain that finds that exciting. Uncomfortable, awkward - yes. Exciting, no.

I do like a nice soft bed to have sex on.

exitrowseat · 16/04/2018 09:08

Yes, many public restrooms can be gross but in a nice restaurant or in an airport lounge say, they can be pretty decent, and definitely adds an element of excitement. A comfy bed is a great place for a shag, it's just fun to open to exploring other places... I plan to be shagging well into my 80s (and beyond?) so like to mix it up over the coming decades...

Janetizzy30 · 23/04/2018 19:47

I have learnt to "silent scream" hard sometimes but it is possible. Also, get a sturdy bed and mattress. If they hear the bed, say you where sat talking on it. It works here

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