To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Very true seriouschutzpah

I agree serious chutzpah. I don’t think it was all just women putting each other down either- just lots of different perspectives. I find it hard to manage career and dcs so would like to slow down work wise but finding it hard to find something part time/lower key in my field. I think that is a free decision (I am a single parent) but recognise that that society has an impact

I feel it is pertinent to ask whose principles would change when faced with partners death, severe illness or redundancy ?
I was a high earner , stayed at home with very young children then went back to work full time when my husband was ill, he gradually recovered but didn't work again , we effectively swapped roles. My kids are now both grown , very successful , happy and have great childhood memories. I always managed to have one to one's with both kids and great holidays...one of my great friends told me, when I was pregnant for the first time...'a mother's place is in the wrong'...

SeriousChutzpah in my experience of the couples I know and have come across over the years. Couples make the decision on who (if either of them) will reduce working hours based on who earns the most and how easy it is to actually DO their role p/t. It's never an automatic decision it's the woman's place to reduce her hours.

Of my generation I only know 2 SAHM's & 1 SAHD one returned to work after retraining / career change, one returned to minimum wage once kids were in school and one who's gave up work when financially it made sense for her to claim a wage from self employed OH than to continue working with the home.

I opted for part-time work because DH was already a grade above me and in a really steady job. Where I'd been paid off during the last recession so no real job security. And I think my scenario is very common the person who earns least reduces hours.

I can only think of 3 couples where the women was the higher earner but reduced her hours to part-time, 2 were GPs one an optition so fairly easy roles to reduce hours worked.

Really amazed at how many women are still spouting the “I could never have that much time away from my kids” line. You could, it might not be your preference but you could and you’re very lucky that you don’t have to

I'm currently in a 'role 2' and I hate it. My DS is 4, I'm missing out on so much and he is missing out on me - although I am a single parent so I don't have a partner helping me. It pays OK and I don't really have to work away, but between the full time hours and commute, I'm lucky to get 2 hours a day with my son; which with him now at school, is becoming a huge issue as we don't spend any quality time together; it's literally tea, book, bed. I'm actually in the process of applying for part time work instead because I cannot cope with the current balance (or lack of), even though I would have less money.

Whilst your child is so young I would definitely take option one. You have years ahead once they are settled at school. More opportunities will come.

@tidiot but that’s your situation and you need to do what is right for you. I’m in job 2 and absolutely love it and do t feel my little one is missing out at all.

It’s very much an individual decision

@BlaaBlaaBlaa - I know it's my situation, I'm not telling OP what to do, I'm just giving an insight on how she may end up feeling and what I personally think. It's completely relative, OP's circumstances are different to my own and it would certainly tip the balance if I were being offered 15k more in a job that actually interests me.

I'm glad you and your little one are happy with your situation, but it stings when you having a 4 year old sobbing that you're too busy with work all the time and don't spend enough time with them. It can go one way or the other, ours are different ends of the spectrum.

@tidiot but you were making a suggestion as to what she should do. If you were giving an insight to your life then you would have stopped there.

More opportunities might not come and as she’s already 40 with a gap in her cv the opportunities for the dream job are likely to diminish significantly

@BlaaBlaaBlaa - I'm not arguing about it, OP asked 'What would you do?'. I didn't tell her what to do, I was simply giving her an idea as to how she might possibly feel eventually, which role I thought sounded the better option and for what reasons.

I also haven't read about the OP being 40 (900+ comment thread...), which again, changes the circumstances. So yes, I agree that a similar opportunity might not be feasible in a few years.

Blaa I think you are one telling people what to do! Not everyone values a career so highly. For other people it’s about spending life enjoying and spending time with their loved ones.

madisonthecat if you do take role 1, arrange formal pooling of savings that is legally enforceable if you haven't so far. If your career is not as good as it could be due to the difficulties in both of you pursuing 'big' jobs and focusing on DD then you need to have a serious chat with your DP on the financial stuff.

I don't think it's fair that you pay through lack of career progression, and then pay again by not having a right to your DP's extra savings, higher pension etc. from being able to focus on his career in the event of a split. You want to avoid paying twice for this choice.

I hope the firm for role 2 can provide more flexibility, even people in demanding jobs want a bit of work/life balance!

I hear what you're saying about you preferring the time with your DD though, but you know that few career choices are immutable!

OP
Given all the publicity around the gender pay gap and the lack of women in more senior roles in a lot of organisations it may be a very good time to be asking for more flexibility in Role 2.

I am the main breadwinner in our family and have been since I met DH. Our 2 DC have survived me working long hours and just accept it for the way it is. Do I regret it - no, it was the right choice for me. My DC have had many more opportunities because of my income than they would have had otherwise.
As other posters have pointed out - If I was a man people would be patting me on the back and telling me I was doing well. As I am a woman, you just get a fuckton of guilt dropped on you whatever choice you make.

Have the bigger career - you are a selfish bitch who shouldn't have had children
Scale back your career - you are lazy and sponging off your DP to allow you to lounge about at home eating biscuits.

So make the choice that is right for you because someone is bound to tell you you are wrong whatever you choose.

@apples I do not have the slightest issue with people not placing a high value on their career. I understand an awful lot about career decision making behaviour and motivation.

I have a HUGE issue with sanctimonious, guilt-ridden posts and women being coerced into sacrificing their careers because they are led to believe that if they don't they can't possible love their children enough and that they will be causing immeasurable damage by placing them in childcare. I also have an issue with the fact that this 'logic' is rarely applied to men.

Oh and @apples I enjoy spending time with my children just as much as you do. The hours i work have no impact on that

I went for Option 2, the 6 figure salary, 5 days a week, frequent travel. Husband earns double what I so money wasn't the issue. Di it purely because I like work and like being financially independent.
Get weekends with DD and an hour or so per weekday. Never regretted it and very rarely feel any guilt.
But that's me. That works for me. It won't work for everyone.
You need to decide what works best for you and go with your gut. Your child should be fine (an assumption since I don't know you or your child) and if he or she is not, then you can leave or find an alternative, dare I say, more family friendly alternative.
As someone upthread pointed out, flip a coin, it's very telling.

Blaa - wow - no one actually said that on here. Relax a little.

And all this stuff about the dad - I think kids just need one parent about for them. Ideally it would be both of them but I do think it’s sad if there is neither.

@apple the majority of posts on this thread have been sanctimonious and guilt-ridden. MN is full of posts from women who have sacrificed careers to facilitate their husband's. I read one just yesterday where she was a SAHM because he didn't believe in childcare and wanted her at home.

Peoples career motivations are wide a varied but the fact is women are still hugely disadvantaged and often judged negatively for continuing to pursue a career after children.

I believe strongly in addressing this inequality and it actually forms a huge part of my career motivation. So no, I will not calm down

@apples again with the emotive language.

@apples reread your posts. They are coming across as REALLY judgemental of women who have chosen to work full time. You’re (deliberately) using very emotive language that is implicitly suggesting women who work full time don’t value spending time with their kids , eg “ ...spending life enjoying and spending time with their loved ones.”

If you weren’t trying to be passive aggressive you could quite easily have said “some women want to work full time, others want to be at home more”. You went to a good university apparently so you are very aware of the power of language.

Ideally it would be both of them but I do think it’s sad if there is neither.

I agree apples.

Eh? I really don’t think I have used emotive or strong language

@apples I'm guessing you didn't study English at Cambridge then??

You use emotive language which often implies judgement. You may want to consider a more neutral tone if that's not your intention

Blaa - I posted because you were getting at some poor women who had told her story.
If you are so happy with your choice let others make theirs! It’s ok if someone wants to stay at home and shout about how much they are putting their kids first, love them and value the time with them. It’s equally ok if someone wants to work full time and shout about how much they are putting their kids first, love them and value the time with them.
You shouldn’t get at people for thinking their choices are better than yours - after all you think your choices are better than theirs! Just relax and let people give their views - even if they don’t match with yours