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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
therealposieparker · 15/04/2018 08:18

So you should not take the job you love because your partner will hate leaving work early?

This is more about your marriage and equality than your child.

LaurieMarlow · 15/04/2018 08:19

Laurie - there is a type and I think you may be one of them who commodities their children - you leave them with a nanny - the best nanny money can buy (until she leaves and is constantly replaced

Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. Hmm

The amount of projection going on here tells me a lot about your insecurities.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2018 08:23

The amount of projection going on here tells me a lot about your insecurities

It's weird isn't it? And despite claims that it would apply equally to men it hardly ever is.

Stickerrocks · 15/04/2018 08:25

apples As DD has a riot of curls, we would all avoid "doing her hair" at all costs. It's really not the sort of thing that would go on a "making memories" or "feeling blessed" FB post due to the frequent rows about whose side of the family the ringlets/frizzy came from! Grin

On a serious note though, many schools only let one parent or carer attend awards evenings and assemblies. DD couldn't tell you which of us attended which, but there was always one of us there. I would hate to live in a family where one parent always attended everything and the other couldn't because they were too afraid to take time off work as the main earner. We've both been able to take time off using annual leave because we can share the load between us. I'll be the lucky one to hear her final speech as HG at her leaving assembly because this year it's my turn. DH was at awards evening last year as it was his turn.

squeezylemons · 15/04/2018 08:30

I’m sure this has been said but go for 2. If your child was younger I’d probably say 1. Your child will be in full time education pretty soon and you will regret not taking 2.

Stickerrocks · 15/04/2018 08:31

No, I don't want or need to chase "big bucks", I simply maintain the career I've worked hard for and

Stickerrocks · 15/04/2018 08:42

(Whoops, knocked post by mistake) ... do I job I love with no need to chase promotion. I'm already exactly where I want to be because I didn't drop it for a less stimulating part time role when DD was born. My point is that it is always going to be harder to come back to a career with the same earning potential, opportunities and responsibilities if you take a Role 1 rather than a Role 2 opportunity. Some people are perfectly happy in a Role 1 position and will come back into a Role 2 later on. I chose not to for reasons I have previously explained.

My life is certainly not carefree, as few people's are. One reason why I'm extremely grateful for my car is because I had a 500 mile round trip this month when my mum was taken seriously ill and I needed to get there very quickly without worrying about transport and whether my car would make it down the motorway. DH is making his regular expensive trip on a ferry today to visit his elderly parents. Family responsibilities don't stop when your child is old enough to spend their day revising, they just come from both directions at once.

LoveInTokyo · 15/04/2018 08:49

The point about marriage/relationship breakdown is a very good one.

When I was training to be a lawyer I spent a few months doing family law. A lot of our clients were women who had put their career on the back burner to support their husband’s and then when the marriage broke down they found themselves in their 40s, still with lots of childcare responsibilities and little to no earning capacity. One of these clients was a bright, articulate woman with a starred first from Cambridge who had followed her husband abroad for his career and so hers had never got off the ground.

Their situation was absolutely miserable, and these were women who had the protection of a marriage certificate and a husband with enough assets to enable them to get a decent lump sum or spousal maintenance. The OP doesn’t even have that.

I think that experience was what made me vow never to put my career on hold for a man, no matter how in love we are or how much I adore my children.

LoveInTokyo · 15/04/2018 08:53

And regarding Role 1 vs Role 2, the fact is that Role 2 does not come along every day and might never come along again.

All these people saying, “you have plenty of time later”, really? Are you sure?

My mum turned down a Role 2 when I was about 12 and she was 40 because she said she wasn’t ready to go back full-time. By the time she was 45 she was ready, but Role 2 never came along again, and by the time she was 50 she struggled even to get Role 1 and had to make do with a long succession of maternity leaves. She’d do a year in each role and then have to leave as “her” job went back to the 35 year old returning to work who wasn’t going to make the same mistakes she made.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2018 08:55

LoveInTokyo - thank you for that. You've backed up what I have long thought and been so frustrated by. It is good to know that I'm not the only one who sees this happening (well I mean it is bad that it happens, but good that I'm not the only one who notices it).

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 15/04/2018 08:56

As an aside, whenever a male friend announces their partner is expecting a baby, I start a conversation along the lines of “Oh, how nice! And when are you going part time? Looking for a new job that’s more family friendly, I take it, or closer to nursery, perhaps?” The poor lambs look all befuddled....

DonutWorryBeHappy · 15/04/2018 08:57

I'm in the same boat as you. I have a 5 year old and 2.9 year old. For 4 years I've been working part time which I've enjoyed up until now. I currently work 3 days a week but it's getting to the point where I'm getting irritated that my career is stagnating and little upstarts are taking over me at work. I hate it that kids barely out of uni are lording it up over me and it has to stop.

My plan of action? One more year of part time, then ideally I'd like to live abroad and work full time. I'm trying to get my dh on board with the idea I just feel that I will have given up 5 years of career advancement and it's my turn to work on my career. In a year's time my youngest will be entering reception. It will be the right time. I'm a teacher so I'll always have the holidays with them so the guilt shouldn't be too great.

Faultymain5 · 15/04/2018 09:07

@applesandpears It’s not the interaction or life I want for my kids I think it's great you have that choice. I don't judge you for it.

Also all this ‘quality time’ full time working parents say they spend with their kids. Be honest with yourself - what you never need the weekends too to live your lives?

I personally manage to live my life as I want to. We see our kids before school, after work and weekends.

I could have chosen job 2 and earned a fortune but I would have been utterly miserable and so would have my kids. I don’t regret it at all. Once again it's great that you made that choice for your family. It's important to do what's right for you.

My oh and I got great qualifications and jobs on the back of state school - I trust my kids can do the same. You have more faith in both the state system and your kids. I witness the grammar of teachers and wonder and I know the children I'm raising and their individual needs to know what they need to incentivise them. If I relied on the state alone, well that's a different conversation.

I also remember not having material things I needed growing up, because my parents had more kids than resources. I did resent it but was mature and was aware we were not rich and never told them. Never would. I was still happy. You can never really know what your children think. Not really. You can only do what you think is right and best for them. That's what you do. That's what I'm doing. It's not a competition.

Oh and for the record, Star et al my car is 11 years old, I don't do designer on principle. I couldn't drive a range rover if I tried, my daughter wants to be a professional sports player and we facilitate her lessons. Something we couldn't do if I never worked. My DH earns well now, but not enough for two kids a wife and sports lessons.

Strongmummy · 15/04/2018 09:10

Actually and as an aside , my husband recently turned down a very lucrative position because 1) he’d not be able to leave work on time to pick up our son and 2) it would mean my career having to take a bit of a back seat. Neither of us were comfortable with this

DonutWorryBeHappy · 15/04/2018 09:12

Can I just say, when your kids are 4 and in full time school... what is the point in working part time? All the guilt trippers on here need to cool down!

pigshavecurlytails · 15/04/2018 09:14

Can I just say, when your kids are 4 and in full time school

they quite like seeing a parent after school and in the holidays from time to time....

Prancingonthevalentine · 15/04/2018 09:15

My kids are in full time school. As I have two days off I can take them to school and collect them (at 3 one day and 12.30 the next) twice a week, so have several hours to spend with them I wouldn’t have otherwise. I also have appointments and generally do house stuff (with a bit of me time thrown in) when they’re away and so am a bit more relaxed and organised when it comes to the weekends (hello, softplay).
Just to response to pp comment on part time

Faultymain5 · 15/04/2018 09:23

@LoveinTokyo this is exactly what I said upthread, but people seem to be ignoring this fact. And cites one person that managed it as though that was everyone's probability. I've seen your mother's story more times than I can count.

jocarter67 · 15/04/2018 09:39

Take job 1, I’m sure that in a few years there will Be the chance of job 2 coming up again, it’s not a once in a lifetime opportunity but your children are. Good luck with what ever you choose

mumandminder · 15/04/2018 09:41

Ermmmmm this is clearly a highly emotionally connected subject! But may I address the OP and her life and choice instead of my own. OK please sit down and make a pro's & con's list and ask your partner to partake in the process. It really doesnt matter what other people think - the only opinions that matter are yours, your OH & your child's. Stop worrying about what guilt you should have and do what YOU feel in your gut. From your post I feel that you NEED to follow your dream and see where that takes you. I'm not saying this as a high flying mum who took that route - I'm a childminders due to being constructively dismissed while pregnant with my first child, I miss the old me but love being with my children. But other people's lives are not relevant to you. People who want to comment or pick on negative things will find those negatives no matter what you decide - if you do the best by your child and make them know you love them then I don't see how any choice could be wrong. Good luck - and please don't regret anything you do xx

LoveInTokyo · 15/04/2018 09:42

“1, I’m sure that in a few years there will Be the chance of job 2 coming up again”

WHY? Why are you “sure” of this? You don’t know that. It is not the experience of most women trying to restart their careers again after a long gap and facing age discrimination and doubt from potential employers as to whether they will be up to the job.

I’m sorry but telling people this sort of shit is at best naive and at worst irresponsible.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2018 09:48

I’m sorry but telling people this sort of shit is at best naive and at worst irresponsible

It's a shallow platitude and definitely irresponsible.

ConciseandNice · 15/04/2018 09:53

@LoveinTokyo spot on! I do wonder whether some people saying this kind of thing always live in a fantasy land or sometimes cynically (after seeing this in action in a toddler group), whether such people just wish other women into a career black hole because that’s what they’ve done.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2018 09:54

whether such people just wish other women into a career black hole because that’s what they’ve done

I think there is a lot of 'justify my choices with your own' on here.

LoveInTokyo · 15/04/2018 09:55

OP I don’t know if you’re still reading, but what pension provision do you have?

Whichever job you end up taking, have you thought about asking your partner to make additional pension contributions into the company pension scheme or pay into a SIPP for you to cover the three years you have not been working?

I think this would be wise, given that you’re not married.