AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

[Dojos]

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

These pensioners didn't work for every penny they've got now

Well my parents certainly did. Both worked full time from the age of 15, now in their 70's they've got over 100 years of work under their belts between them. Spending several years in further education just wasn't an option. My mum had 4 months maternity leave for each child. They couldn't afford childcare either which is why one worked nights and one worked days, not something many would even consider these days. Their social life involved having friends round, no expensive nights out in restaurants or pubs, no foreign holidays etc. Depends which sacrifices you're willing to make doesn't it, including moving somewhere affordable if that's what it takes.

The equivalent flat near to me is now about ten times the equivalent salary.

I agree with you. When our dd was born we Had to move in with my mum as my dh was made redundant the month before. It toook him 18 months to find anything else and he had to leave his specialised (and we’ll paid) industry for a much lower paid job, we are still at my mums 3 bed with a child. His grandparents (baby boomers) already owned 2 expensive houses. They then announced that they’d had another expensive house in the SE that they’d been renting out that they were going to sell and they ‘weren’t sure what to do with the the extra cash’ exact quote. So they bought two smaller rental properties. We were like ‘helloooooo’. Unbelievably crass to talk about it in front of us. They think they had life hard as when his GF was training in the same profession my dh is now training in they could only afford to rent a 2 bedroom flat in Kingston on his meagre wage. They are completely deluded and seem to equate our situation with that. My dh would be lucky to rent a room in Kingston for half his wage now.

Actually, I think you have a 'small' point OP - but I'm surprised more people don't sell up and go on fabulous holidays.

I'm fascinated by my in-laws. Their pension was smaller than expected so they moved to a cheaper area to free up some equity to give themselves more of a pension. However they bought a massive family home, with a large garden. Its twice the size of our home. So most of their pension goes on maintaining their home, decorating their home, heating their home. They find it increasingly hard to do the garden. I cant help thinking that a nice two bed bungalow and a bunch of holidays would have been better.

I'm also surprised at the lack of inheritance tax planning and the leaving your family a mess to sort out that goes on. Massive houses filled with 20 years of junk and out of date wills - then waiting until you are too old to sort it yourself, so your family have all the stress of sorting it out, trying to find money for nursing homes etc.

again not suggesting people should give everything up to their children, but a little bit of mitigation wouldn't go a miss.

Unbelievable!

I think they believe that they worked hard and struggled too, and eventually the younger generation will have the comforts they do.

100% this.

Well just as well your parents didn't downsize to a 1 bed then Grandmas isn't it otherwise you'd be homeless.

Actually, perhaps we are suffering from not realising that baby boomers lifestyle wasn't historically normal and what we are experiencing is much more 'normal'. They were a large generation, but the generation above them were unusual small, due to large numbers being killed in the war, and the war removing men from their DWs so birth rate fell.

Housing was relatively cheap for them, because there weren't enough people in the generation above to compete for them. The lack of decent food and healthcare in the war years meant that many in the generation above them died relatively young, so if they lived in their family home until death, they weren't hanging on to it for 40years + after their DCs grew up.

But the generation above didn't have the high owner occupier rates. Working class people in the 30s/40s/50s didn't usually own any property. Life time renting for all but the rich and the middle classes is perfectly normal. The boomers might be the only generation to buck that trend - and many really didnt expect to be home owners, yet their DCs all do.

My PIL flog this “we worked hard/made sacrifices” bullshit as well. They bought their house for £3k in the 60s which was the same as FIL’s annual salary. They still live in the same house which is now worth over £2M. FIL worked 9-5 and retired at 55 years of age. MIL only ever worked part-time.

By contrast, DH and me have worked 40+ hours a week our entire lives and will NEVER get on the property ladder. Indeed, we would need to earn £700k between us to buy the same house the PIL bought.

According to PIL, we don’t have a house like theirs because we’re “lazy” 🤔.

Boomers will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever. Go see the protesters over a new homes to see entitlement!

Bought houses for buttons and received very generous pensions that those below them on the pyramid have to fund, but still "worked hard for every single penny"

struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi. 😂😂 rich people problems.

We live in a 2 bed flat with 2 kids it's not a squeeze we just don't buy things we don't have space for or can't afford and don't have kids we don't have space for and can't afford.

I think we have o remember that each generation has its own challenges and it’s really not helpful to say, we had it so hard in comparison. My grandmother was in service at very young age and her brothers were sent down a mine. Yes they worked damned hard all their lives too but weren’t given all the benefits of the B.B. generation.

And mental health of young people is at a low, which really doesn’t suggest they’re having such a high old time.

My mum lives on her own in a good sized house which she owns outright. One of her biggest fears is having enough money to provide for her needs when she's unable to look after herself. Private care homes cost a fortune, and she doesn't want to end up with insufficient funds for this, hence her current frugality. Obviously state care homes are available, but private ones are nicer. I think it's just the fear of the unknown for her - she doesn't know what lies ahead, so it makes sense to have as much money available as possible.

It's a very mixed picture. My family until my parents' day were too poor ever to buy and indeed most of the country in about 1918 lived in rented accommodation from private landlords so that has been our norm in the UK. We had a lot of house buildling in the 1930s and more people started to buy and most people prefer to own, not surprisingly.

it si not true that most baby boomers have loads of mnoey stashed away however. Plenty of people in the NE where I am from live on the state old age pension plus pension credit and don't own anything and have no savings. When my father was ill up there his carers thought my father had funded by divorce settlement for some reason! Ridiculous idea. Some people just have entirely the wrong idea about other people's money. Also situations vary. I don't tend to go out to eat and my teenagers do and I fund their doing that.

There will be nasty and selfish old people and nasty and selfish younger people. Most people however are pretty nice in practice.

There are certainly areas of the country where housing is very expensive whether you buy or rent but that is not everywhere. Some places have not recovered to their 2008 prices yet even. We have relatives in Sunderland and Yorkshire, Halifax etc and rents are not too bad there nor house prices.

Treading treacle my mum is sadly one of the boomers who has had zero benefits. She lives in a shared ownership. Yes she got the largest she could afford so her children always had a room to stay. My dh side of the family couldn’t give a toss about seeing us, they just like having massive houses and they’re too busy buying 20 foot yachts and boasting about that too.

Thanks NotTaken What about only one coal fire downstairs, frost on the inside of the windows, outside toilets, etc? (get the violins out) seriously though, I do sympathise if you are struggling. My own dd is having to return home in a few weeks. She and her housemates just can't afford to keep up with rent and bills!

Tammy - no, but perhaps people realising that it's not baby boomers who are responsible for high house prices, but the large number of people who are richer than you and able to compete for properties.

If all baby boomers put their family homes on the market and started buying flats, you'd get entitled first time buyers complaining that the baby boomers were monopolising all the flats...

House prices are high because people can afford to pay for them, and a shortage of houses available means there's less competition for a buyers money to keep down prices. It's not really the boomers fault that they haven't died off - that's nt the only contributing factor in demand being high.

I suspect that the large family home is full of memories and there's a reluctance to leave - downsizing is rather a shock to the system but sometimes necessary. Perhaps they enjoy the family gathering together at Christmas, though they've got the responsibility of housework and maintenance etc all year round so you have to ask if it's worth it.

If the grown up children are struggling it would seem logical for a temporary swap to take place and I think I've read about this happening but it's rare. It all boils down to money, doesn't it?

Of course it’s not boomers fault. I don’t think anyone thinks that. I don’t necessarily begrudge them for what they have. It’s the fact that they seem to honestly believe they got what they have though hard work alone whilst my generation are feckless and lazy. For example most of the B.B. couples I know only had one earner and STILL managed to buy nice family homes. That’s virtually unheard of now.

Omg, I live in a 3 bed semi (which I love) with my 2 children. I didn’t realise what twats my parents are for allowing this atrocity to happen to me

If people are hanging on to their houses for money for care that's a terrible financial move to make. Houses are very illiquid and they could drop at any time, like they have been in London. Better to spread your money across many things.

With record debt, jobs being replaced rapidly, intereat rates rising these insanely high prices won't last forever. A land tax could come in and wipe the gains overnight. As the demographics of the country change there wont be the political will to keep prices high.

Just a sideline story here, I know of parents who swapped their big house with their sons just because of this type of reason. The mother continued to laud it over her sons family. Eventually the son got divorced.

mental health of young people is at a low, which really doesn’t suggest they’re having such a high old time.

This is really important. There are two parts to this thread.

1. Why do retired parents live in big houses (as discussed extensively)

2. Why do retired parents not help family (read on)

There are lots of ways retired parents can help family, and they don’t always have to be financial. I can understand why someone is apprehensive to share their wealth when they have 20 odd years of unknown costs ahead of them.

However, the ones that I don’t understand are those who are oblivious to the struggles and stress many young families are facing nowadays to manage young children and two jobs leading to great unhappiness. Most of the B.B. generation either had a parent at home, and / or more often than not had hands on help raising family from their own relatives. My grandmother would come and stay for weeks on end to help my Mum out (who was a sham).

There seem to be so many young families crying out for some respite or help with childcare to bring down costs, whilst B.B. parents are off enjoying their retirement because they’ve “done their bit”. It doesn’t need to be a lot, it doesn’t need to be too demanding, but a little goes a long way. I’ve been caring for two terminally ill parents whilst raising our children (both under 5) for the last few years, one has now died and the other is in a care home and my all my FIL can say is “well we all did it love” (he didn’t, MIL did everything). The stress of everything has affected all our family and made both DH and I unwell because of it.

A bit of love goes a long way, I can understand not wanting to share money but not wanting to ease your children’s unhappiness by simply giving up a bit of precious retirement time to help them out I will never understand. It’s really made me think about how I can support my children through their whole life, not just their childhood.

I know this doesn’t apply to all B.B. grandparents, there are some who are truly amazing and make a huge difference.

Some families around here (we are very ethnically mixed here) are 3 generations often with both sons living there with views and familes and the sons' parents. Smoetimes the older parents control all the family money and pay the sons the minimum wage but provide housing free and then on divorce the daughters in law are claiming money from a son who earns the minimum wage rather than a son who owns a quarter of a very expensive business. They can all be quite complicated issues.

Many more people want to live alone these days and are rich enough to be able to do so which is another consideration. In the past most could not afford to live alone.

Amazing arguments here - if people couldn’t have kids until they could afford to buy a house that would house them all, how quickly do you think the country’s population of future taxpayers would fall?

It doesn't matter if people don't have children, if necessary extra people can be imported from abroad. There is a world-wide surplus of people, the UK is a desirable place to live, we would have no trouble importing as many high-quality humans as we need.

No-one having children should pretend they are doing it for anyone but themselves.