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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

740 replies

Dojos · 12/04/2018 21:20

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 13/04/2018 07:41

It just seems the property market is so so different to what it was for the older generation.

Where you there? My parents live in an amazing home, but by god did they (we?) struggle for it at the time. Nothing was handed to them. Their home is their achievement. I’d sooner work three jobs than take that from them.

You have a very strange attitude to a parents responsibility to their adult children.

NotTakenUsername · 13/04/2018 07:41

Were. Hmm

Marmitesoldiers · 13/04/2018 07:42

I’ve some sympathy with this view OP. And I can’t stand all this I’ve worked hard all my life blah from BB’s (I’m one too) as if previous generations never did (and current ones) and didn’t have half what they had. It seems to be some kind of mantra. And I had also to work hard to get my first flat and not go out and had lodgers so I’m not jealous of them. In the old days people did tend to downsize (or frankly die earlier) so there wasn’t a blocking of family houses. Supply and demand obviously has an impact. What’s the point of being able to get your first four bedroomed house in your forties/fifties when your family may have already nearly grown up But really from reading this thread the me, me, me generation isn’t the millenials.

I really can’t imagine wanting to live in my house when I’m older. My father lives in a town house in old age and it’s a nightmare trying to adapt it for his health and mobility. And of course he left it too late to move. I don’t intend to do the same. Having said that I do agree that adult children have to put some effort in as it gives a sense of achievement so I wouldn’t just gift them a house.

DwangelaForever · 13/04/2018 07:42

Because it's their home 😶😶😶😶 ffs

Creambun2 · 13/04/2018 07:43

As most boomers are selfish and entitled. They can sod of with "our generation worked hard" rubbish.

TreadingTreacle · 13/04/2018 07:44

My parents help all their kids massively by holding onto to their larger house. If they downsized they wouldn't have room to have their grandkids overnight, which they do frequently. Expecting handouts from parents is so alien to me. Must be a MC thing, in the real world everyone I know has stood on their own 2 feet from late teens onwards, as did my parents. The entitlement from today's generation is astounding, as is the obsession with owning property, like it's some sort of right.

NotTakenUsername · 13/04/2018 07:51

Expecting handouts from parents is so alien to me. Must be a MC thing, in the real world everyone I know has stood on their own 2 feet from late teens onwards

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner...

I couldn’t agree more. We get handouts occasionally but they are always a surprise and very much appreciated. If I had to box i
us, I’d say upper working/lower middle class... if that’s a thing!

Very astute.

Falmer · 13/04/2018 07:51

Does anyone actually know any millenials who do even one of the things I mentioned at 07.21? I don't know even one! Think they're all too busy in costas, on their phones or having a jealous dig at other people, ie: older generations, blue badge holders, benefit recipients, blah blah bloody blah! How the hell have we all managed to produce such a jealous, uncaring, entitled generation? Must have gone wrong somewhere?

Echo2 · 13/04/2018 07:53

Op:
Dh & I are in our mid 50’s living in a large house worth over 600k. We have 2 adult dd’s struggling to get a bigger place to live ( both are in flats ) but we’ll never move because we love our home & have worked hard all our lives to create our oerfect environment.
We could downsize and help our children considerably, & I know that would make us happy, but it’s such a big step at our time of life I just don’t want to risk anything.
Plus our daughters wouldn’t want us to do it anyway, they love coming ‘home’ - back to where they grew up.

userabcname · 13/04/2018 07:54

I really don't recognise all this millennial we-will-never-own-our-own-home stuff. I guess this must reflect millenials in London and other big cities. DH and I are both 30, bought our house 2.5 years ago and the majority of our friends (who live all around the UK) are homeowners. I appreciate living costs are higher in certain areas but there are clearly lots of places where housing is affordable. And FWIW, no we were not given any money from parents, we both work FT (I'm a teacher, he's an engineer) and saved. It is do-able.

SheilaTurnip · 13/04/2018 07:55

We’ve got a big 4 bedroom house and we never intended to have any kids ! Haha

NotTakenUsername · 13/04/2018 07:56

Falmer, calm down love!

❌No tv,
❌no phone,
✅no car,
❌no central heating,
✅no holidays,
✅no takeaways,
✅one school uniform per child
❌handwashed each weekend,
✅darning clothes,
❌socks
✅tights
✅instead of buying new ones,
✅kids birthdays done at home

GreenMeerkat · 13/04/2018 07:56

YABU.

My parents live alone in a large 4 bedroom house. I live with my DH and two (soon to be 3) DC in a moderate 3 bed semi. Why on earth would I expect my parents to give up their house to be because they don't have children at home anymore?

For a start, I have two brothers who do not yet have DC, so would not be fair in them.

Secondly, my Dad gifted me the deposit for my house

Third, my mum is my primary childcare provider

Fourth (and probably most important), they have both worked (and still do) hard for their house and should be entitled to live in it!!

TammySwansonTwo · 13/04/2018 07:59

*OP how do you think your parents got their financial security/house/etc? they worked hard...and saved....and raised kids....and worked....all at the same time, so why shouldn't they enjoy their hard work now?

What's wrong with millennials doing the same?*

And the digs only get more blatant.

Every generation has lazy entitled people. Doesn’t the fact that you think an entire generation is just too lazy to be as successful as their parents might suggest a systemic problem?

Because that’s not what I see at all. Admittedly, I’m only just regarded as a millennial, but everyone I know my age works 60-70 hours a week and have since they got their first proper job after graduating (several spent years working two full time minimum wage jobs just to be able to afford rent, myself included, until they were able to get a proper job). Still, their income (even when married and joint) is often nowhere near what they need to be able to borrow enough to buy any property, let alone an actual house.

I’ve had to stop working full time for now because, while we planned carefully to be able to afford childcare once we had our one planned baby, I had two at once and would not be able to afford full time childcare for both.

Meanwhile, my mum got an entry level job with a bank at 16, was able to buy a house for less than 2x her salary in her early 20s. Her mum looked after my sister and I while she worked. She worked exactly 37.5 hours a week, worked there until she was retired on ill health grounds, and then got a decent pension from her employer until she died (and they still pay 50% of that to her husband).

I don’t know a single millennial who has those opportunities, outside of those who are in the top couple of percent of earners, and they are working much longer hours and live in places where property prices are often out of reach even to them.

So yes, I get a bit tired of hearing how millennials just don’t want to put the work in, from the generation who profited massively from the increase in property prices through their lifetimes and somehow see this as money they’ve earned rather than been gifted by a system that’s screwed over their own children and grandchildren.

I never took money from my mum once I left at 18. I worked to put myself through university, she didn’t contribute and I didn’t ask her. I never expected or asked her to sell one of her properties (yes, thanks to BTL mortgages, even my sick and retired Mum managed to own two rental properties in addition to the family home which gave her a very nice quality of life - she didn’t work hard for the opportunity to do that either). However, without my children asking, I would absolutely downsize / sell assets to help them buy a property as long as I could still manage. The difference is that I understand that it’s highly likely that they’ll be working harder, longer and still struggle.

My mum never met her grandchildren - my DH and I were trying to be responsible and wait until we could buy a property first. We thought we had plenty of time but she developed terminal cancer way before it was possible. No one could have foreseen it and if I could go back I would do things differently and have children sooner. If I’m in a position to help my kids earlier so that they can get on with their lives, that’s what I’ll do.

BeyondThePage · 13/04/2018 07:59

Your struggling family could always ask to move in to the family home if it is so roomy, life used to be like that... helping out the olds for a roof over the head.

jnfrrss · 13/04/2018 08:02

I agree op.

These pensioners didn't work for every penny they've got now.

My parents just had one earner in a job for life, often on the golf course come 5pm, finishing at lunch on Fridays and retiring early

The next generation have both parents working, much harder and gave very little to show for it.

NotTakenUsername · 13/04/2018 08:04

Your struggling family could always ask to move in to the family home if it is so roomy, life used to be like that... helping out the olds for a roof over the head.

Grin

Nope she wants the cash so she can dump the oldies before they expire. All this hanging around and looking after the elderly is so last season...

Creambun2 · 13/04/2018 08:06

@Falmer oh sod off with your "if young people didn't have an iphone they could afford housing" rant. Get off your entitled arse and see the real world.

CoffeeOrSleep · 13/04/2018 08:07

Another question OP and the baby boomer haters - do you really think large family houses that are 'worth' £1m etc are only being bought by other boomers when they sell?

The fact is, some people in their 30s and 40s in this economy can afford those sorts of prices and are prepared to go out and buy large houses - I don't know any people who after their DCs have grown at that point move to larger properties. They either stay where they are or downsize, or move to a similar sized property in a different location. (often the move to the area they wanted to live previously but were stuck until all DCs had been through secondary school).

There is something very odd about blaming people who last bought a house in the 1990s for the cost of houses now.

A house is worth what someone is prepared and able to pay for it. If there was a shortage of middle aged people who could afford the mortgage to pay for a £1m+ house, the price of the large family home (rather than the 'lotto winning house') would fall.

Getting retired people to release equity so their DCs can continue to prop up the housing market if prices are unrealistic compared to what 'normal' families can afford, is a socially damaging choice.

TammySwansonTwo · 13/04/2018 08:08

Does anyone actually know any millenials who do even one of the things I mentioned at 07.21? I don't know even one! Think they're all too busy in costas, on their phones or having a jealous dig at other people, ie: older generations, blue badge holders, benefit recipients, blah blah bloody blah!

This literally has to be the biggest load of nonsense I’ve ever read in my life.

On the whole, it’s not 18-35 year olds I see bitching about benefits claimants, immigrants and the disabled. There’s a reason the tories have such high support amongst boomers, not to mention that all of this housing market profit they’ve made is a result of a period of political self-interest. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t call all BBs selfish but suggesting that millennials are selfish is highly amusing given the political polling of young people.

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 13/04/2018 08:10

Apparently, my mum has the answer. She says that older people have to have big houses so that their family can visit. NO. You have a large house because you like it and can afford it. If we could afford an extra bedroom, you could visit us.

BeyondThePage · 13/04/2018 08:11

Getting retired people to release equity so their DCs can continue to prop up the housing market if prices are unrealistic compared to what 'normal' families can afford, is a socially damaging choice.

totally agree

everything seems to be aimed at keeping prices high, never resolving the issue of affordability.

TammySwansonTwo · 13/04/2018 08:11

Coffee so your solution is for younger people to boycott purchasing properties until the market crashes and obliterates all that lovely profit that BBs “worked so hard” for?

I’m sure that will be a popular idea.

TammySwansonTwo · 13/04/2018 08:14

Well my MIL has met her grandchildren twice (her choice) and hasn’t looked after them for a second, so I’m definitely not buying all this “they need a bigger house so they can look after the grandkids” nonsense. I know plenty of mums my age who have no family help whatsoever, whereas when mine and DHs grandparents were both in charge of childcare while our mothers worked.

Or, you know, just label us lazy (although he’s not a millennial so I guess he’s safe from criticism).

Marmitesoldiers · 13/04/2018 08:14

It’s hilarious people banging on about entitlement of the young when they themselves sound so entitled.

And young people are not all feckless, lazy, scroungers. I know lots of them who work hard, save money, do charity work, study etc, etc. Growing up in the seventies people did go on holiday as young people and even occasionally went down the pub...the difference was they could do that and still buy a flat for two-three times their income.

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