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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

740 replies

Dojos · 12/04/2018 21:20

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

OP posts:
TheMythicalChicken · 13/04/2018 04:55

I personally don’t understand families being able to see their kids/parents struggle while they enjoy themselves.

My sentiments exactly.

GreenItWas · 13/04/2018 05:13

Because the minute boomers help their kids by giving or loaning them money the kids spend it on huge expensive cars or flash holidays.

Original poster
Dojos · 13/04/2018 05:41

Thanks for engaging! No need roast me, it was just a thought i had after reading about a family. I think if it was me Id be happy to downsize to make my grandkids/families in my community take the space. I'm not sure I could sleep in an empty 5 bed house at night knowing family struggling. But of course totally see and agree with all the reasons why they couldn't/wouldn't want to hel!

OP posts:
Arapaima · 13/04/2018 06:05

My parents are retired baby boomers with a good pension, nice house etc. No sign of them downsizing but they do give me and my brother lots of help and support, both financially (eg house deposits, uni fees when my SIL did a degree) and practically (eg babysitting their grandchildren). Not that we ask for it or expect it, but they wouldn’t want to see us struggling when they’re able to help.

So I tend to agree with you, OP.

thiskitten · 13/04/2018 06:09

I don't necessarily agree re inheritance - but I do agree in terms of old people living in big houses for years and years after their children have all grown up and left home. While at the same time families live in tiny places with no gardens.
We are looking for a bigger house at the moment and 90% of the ones we have looked at have had just one or 2 people living in them for so many years. House in disrepair, damage caused as some rooms haven't been heated for years. Lovely gardens overgrown and unused.
I'm not saying they should be forced to move - of course not - it's their home. But perhaps there should be some sort of stamp duty exemption or other incentives to encourage older people to downsize to free up bigger houses for families.

Pengggwn · 13/04/2018 06:22

Retired people often still have twenty or thirty years they can expect to live, and things they want to do: enjoy their gardens, their books, their space etc. They're not waiting to die. Why should they be considered not to need the homes they (presumably) only bought in maturity? I suspect most people with a 4-5 bedroom home didn't have young families in that house.

NotTakenUsername · 13/04/2018 06:35

it was just a thought i had after reading about a family.

From your previous threads this is obviously much closer to home than ‘reading about a family’.

With a toxic, on again off again relationship with my child I’d certainly be loath to go through the upheaval of downsizing for them. I’d certainly support them financially if I could, but that might be a bridge too far.

And I say that as someone who would do an awful lot to ensure my child has financial security.

MrsTylerJoseph · 13/04/2018 06:39

As an adult I would be far too embarrassed to let my parents help me financially never mind to the extent where they have to sell their home and downsize. I would refuse any such offer. Fair enough if I was destitute, struggling to eat that would be different. But just because I’d like a bigger house? Don’t think so.

FrancisCrawford · 13/04/2018 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

howdoesitgetbetter · 13/04/2018 06:44

If you removed all immigrants there would be plenty of housing stock for Britains and house prices would be lower.

Are you for real? And it’s Britons.

NoKnownFather · 13/04/2018 06:46

OP how do you think your parents got their financial security/house/etc? they worked hard...and saved....and raised kids....and worked....all at the same time, so why shouldn't they enjoy their hard work now?

What's wrong with millennials doing the same? Nah, they want to steal it from their parents and shove them into a nursing home never to be seen again.

Oh and for the record, I know this from personal experience.

SoyDora · 13/04/2018 06:54

Oh and for the record, I know this from personal experience

What, you know every single millennial?

I am technically a millennial I believe (1985). We have just bought our first house. It has taken this long as we have worked hard and saved for it. We haven’t had any help from our parents, we didn’t want it.

blueskyinmarch · 13/04/2018 07:01

We have a lovely big house which we have worked hard for over 30 odd years. If we sold it to downsize, any money released would go towards our pension pots not to our children. They are in their 20s and can work for their own homes and futures. They would never expect us to give them money for this. We have paid for their education and set them on the path to being independent.

noMincedWords · 13/04/2018 07:01

If I thought my parents were downsizing from the home they have loved for 50 years to give me and my siblings some cash I would be incredibly upset.

I know that my parent's estate is worth about £3m. The only reason for them downsizing that I would support is for them to splurge it all on something that makes them happy.

londonrach · 13/04/2018 07:05

In my parents case as when everyone visits every bedroom is used. They have a lifetime of memories in furniture etc. I do see patients who has downsized and they miss their garden, house they bought children up. Yabu and abit judgie!

Helpmeplan · 13/04/2018 07:06

Not rtft but maybe its because they have their grandchildren to stay. Maybe its because they don't want the stress of the move. Maybe its because their spouse has died and they can't bear the thought of leaving. Maybe its because they have worked hard for what they have and want to enjoy it.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 13/04/2018 07:13

Because the minute boomers help their kids by giving or loaning them money the kids spend it on huge expensive cars or flash holidays

Don't forget daily coffees, sky TV and fancy Smartphones... have we got bingo yet?

Oh and the "immergrants" Grin I am using that one in future lol

InTheRoseGarden · 13/04/2018 07:17

YES!!!!!!!

I always watch the "Move to the country" programmes while shaking my head thinking "why do you need/want a huge house in your retirement?". And the next generation are struggling to buy pokey houses for their families. It's bonkers.

Xenia · 13/04/2018 07:21

I never think these intergenerational threads go well. Most of us have either parents or children and will usually all help each other but that does not mean the children have to move granny in if the council throws her out of her 3 bed council house or granny has to move the children in or sell her house. There are lots of reasons some people choose bigger houses than others and plenty of older and younger people who are perfectly able to manage in a bigger house and want to do that. Luckily we don't live in a communist state where the state decides how much square footage we are entitled to like caged chickens.

I have a grand piano. I work at home. I have a lot of files. (I also house children stll and will for a good few years but will not move even when they do move out). I like my own space and don't like to feel neighbours are close to me. A flat would never suit me. I have helped the children as much as I can and I think is reasonable - too much help and children don't work, take drugs all day and have no impetous to achieve under their own steam. I cashed in all my privae pension (into which by the way no employer ever contributed) at 55 and gave it to older chldren for deposits. I am funding them without student fees. I think I am more than doing my bit and as when they leave I will have some spare bed rooms if they ever fall on hard times they can stay here until they get back on their feet. Having a family base and home is quite useful for stability in families. Also I house a lot of possessions of them all too.

My parents were both delighted to die in the house they had lived in for 50 years. They died at home (literally) and that gave them a lot of comfort and also that feeling of control - that it is your home, your space, your power which you don't always get in care homes. I would never have considered for a minute that they sell a 4 bed detached and give the money to us. One parent worked almost until death with a home office (which you tend not to have space for in retirement flats) and storage facilites for files in the attic floor. Also if any of us or the 9 grandchildren visited there were some spare bed rooms. Also when they were each ill they could have a separate room - both ended up sleeping downstairs and dying there.

Falmer · 13/04/2018 07:21

Dojos, if you're struggling yourself, why not do what we did in the 70's? No tv, no phone, no car, no central heating, no holidays, no takeaways, one school uniform per child which was handwashed each weekend, darning clothes, socks and tights instead of buying new ones, kids birthdays done at home, etc? Try it, many of us managed it!

LaurieMarlow · 13/04/2018 07:24

Nah, they want to steal it from their parents and shove them into a nursing home never to be seen again. Oh and for the record, I know this from personal experience.

What a load of shit Hmm

Op, while I understand where you're coming from, basically it's putting pressure on baby boomers to solve a housing crisis that is not of their making. It's not always easy or possible for people to downsize.

But I agree wholeheartedly that young families buying now have a rough deal.

TheMythicalChicken · 13/04/2018 07:28

For the record, I don’t think parents should leave their homes to help their kids, but they could perhaps release some equity to help them. Also many baby boomers I know have huge amounts of money stashed away that they don’t need. Why not use some of that to help the people you brought into the world?

Original poster
Dojos · 13/04/2018 07:32

Smile I think that whilst there is some similarity to my situation, I know that ship has well and truly sailed as there's not an amount in the world that can makeup for crappy parents!! Nor would I personally want it. I read this story and I have several friends in the position where the family is property asset rich yet the kids work two jobs and struggle to pay the rent on a modest home. I think I should have rephrased the original post to say parents who most definitely could! It just seems the property market is so so different to what it was for the older generation.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 13/04/2018 07:34

Do "duel income" families fight by lobbing pound coins at each other?

bonnyshide · 13/04/2018 07:41

I think they believe that they worked hard and struggled too, and eventually the younger generation will have the comforts they do.

A comment from my older relative, after telling us about a very lovely and expensive restaurant he frequents 'you can go there too when your ship comes in'

I realised then he doesn't really understand that no matter how hard we work, due to property prices and the cost of living and helping DC through university we will never be as well off as him.

He is fully entitled to enjoy his large home, two cars and overseas holidays though, he earned every penny and has the right to enjoy it in his retirement. I love him dearly and take comfort in the knowledge he will be able to afford the care he needs in his old age, and will never be a financial burden to us when he is very old and frail.