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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

740 replies

Dojos · 12/04/2018 21:20

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 12/04/2018 23:59

Mythical the pension is not a new concept only the young generation pay in to, the pensioners you talk about will have contributed their fair share too. Let's not wish to have a world where elderly people are badly off, hey?

TheMythicalChicken · 13/04/2018 00:06

CherryChasingDotMuncher, but they didn’t pay as long as us and they got it earlier. Younger people will not get the same, in spite of paying more.

I would hate for any elderly person to be poor, but it still grates too see elderly people banging on about how they worked hard and scrimped & saves. We are working longer hours now for much less reward.

TinyTino · 13/04/2018 00:06

Well said @quizqueen !

I am 27, have worked since I was 16, worked full time whilst completing a full time masters degree, and recently bought my own house. Didn't have a particularly special or privileged upbringing, just worked damn hard and am incredibly proud of the above! Paid for all of my uni myself and am still paying off my loan for my MsC.

Can't say the same for a lot of my friends however who haven't done a hard days graft in their life. They act as if they are owed something, complain that it's unfair that they can't afford a house when they can't be bothered to get a full time job, and are generally spoilt and live off their parents. I can't get my head round it.

My dad is a doctor, grew up in a council flat with many siblings all sleeping in the same room. No electric and lived in awful poverty. He got himself a job as soon as he left school, worked damn hard and got himself in to med school. I am extremely lucky to have parents who whilst well off, did not baby me, have not sold their houses to support me, and do not prop me up financially. They taught me to be self sufficient and thank god they did. It's the best favour they ever did me!

TheMythicalChicken · 13/04/2018 00:06

*saved

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 13/04/2018 00:11

but they didn’t pay as long as us and they got it earlier. Younger people will not get the same, in spite of paying more.

With the best will in the world - tough shit. Life's not fair 🤷‍♀️

TheMythicalChicken · 13/04/2018 00:13

With the best will in the world - tough shit. Life's not fair 🤷‍♀️

What a horrible, greedy, entitled attitude.

Wobblybitts · 13/04/2018 00:14

When we married we bought a house with a 90% mortgage. We both worked, one salary covered the mortgage and the other the bills.
We had 2nd hand/borrowed furniture. A new bed, cooker & fridge. Our wedding list comprised of items for our home (basics like cutlery, bedding, pots & pans).
We had 2 children and I was a SAHM until youngest was 8. We were lucky with our properties and bought and sold at the right times.
8 years ago we downsized and were able to bank a nice sum of money.
Our children have settled down, one is a home owner and the other rents. They work hard and are bringing up their own families. Who’s to say they won’t be better off in a few years?
That’s what you do, not rely on other people to support you.
Our parents weren’t in the position to help us when we were starting out and we wouldn’t have expected anything from them anyway.
We are lucky, we know that and our children know that we would be there to help them out if needs be.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 13/04/2018 00:15

Saying 'tough shit' is entitled ConfusedGrin

Housesforkids · 13/04/2018 00:15

TheMythicalChicken
I hope when you retire the younger generation decide to remove the pension because why should they pay you.

PickAChew · 13/04/2018 00:17

Equity release is a big con. Mil did it to pay off debts and fund electrical work. Nothing for us as she needed it more than we did She died before Christmas and with just a few years interest we'll see shite all.

kazillionaire · 13/04/2018 00:18

I'm glad I read this OP, after all the bad news today I needed something to make me smile!

CountFosco · 13/04/2018 00:26

We are currently helping MIL sort out her finances after being widowed. She's still in their big family home and can't afford the bills anymore because she has no pension of her own and has no savings. It would have been so much better for her if they had downsized 20 years ago when FIL retired, it would have been fun finding a smaller house and doing it up and they would have had a nice nestegg to invest. Now she's in her 80s and is grieving. If couples don't do it when their children have grown up then they could well end up doing it in late old age because of bereavement or ill health. And which is better?

I'm not wanting MIL's money, I want her to be warm and comfortable and living in a house where she has happy memories, if they'd moved 20 years ago she would have that. Now we have to decide if we pay for her to stay where she is until she dies or encourage her through the stress of moving or have her come to live with us. It's a nightmare. We will downsize when we retire.

OP having said all that you don't know how many savings the older generation have, their big house might be their only asset and they need that money for their retirement.

PickAChew · 13/04/2018 00:26

Once again where were all these cheap houses in 2008-13? I've just checked the stats and house prices show a rise in those years. Can we have some proof, Houses?actually I did buy a house in 1998 that's worth 1/4 million now. Was also worth that shortly after I. Divorced ex h 5 years after marrying him, but not at the time.

Now worth just over 200k. Over a decade later.

My current house is also worth no more than back then. Sold a house DH an I bought 15 year ago for little more than we bought it for before buying this one.

House prices have done little in the past decade or so outside of the London bubble. and

Ivebeenthinking · 13/04/2018 00:26

For the same reason that grown up
children don't live with their parents and provide them with company or care even if just in the evenings.

It's easier said than done.*

This.

PickAChew · 13/04/2018 00:28

Formatting weirdness

LightNC · 13/04/2018 00:53

I hope that’s not a generalisation, because they often ARE helping, even if the outside world isn’t privy to every detail.

seventhgonickname · 13/04/2018 01:03

I'm a late baby boomer so not getting able to retire until 67.Due to divorce downsized last year,had a decent deposit and easy to get a mortgage so obviously beat first time buyers to the house I now live in.
The other reason people don't down size is because they are part of a community and that community rather than their family help and keep an eye on them as they get frail.
Smaller accommodation is not always suitable for older people,I second more living space than bedrooms and are not always near local amenities.
I also hope my daughter will fend for herself as a young adult,I will probably be able to help her through further education but not to buy her a house.
I hope all those who expect their parents to look after their children, downsize and give their adult children money will n turn help their parents as they become frail, visit regularly and help pay their nursing home fees if needed.

nursy1 · 13/04/2018 01:50

I hope all those who expect their parents to look after their children, downsize and give their adult children money will n turn help their parents as they become frail, visit regularly and help pay their nursing home fees if needed

I can tell you that my family absolutely would, they have been my priority and all received money when we downsized and retired. We will be their priority if it’s necessary. How sad to suspect you might not be.
All you old couples rattling around in their big houses., you do realise they may become totally unsuitable as you age? When we downsized we made sure that we have the facilities to live on 1 level here in case of disability in the future - walk in wet room on ground floor, wide doorways. etc.
As fosco said it’s better that we have bought this smaller house now, If anything happens to my husband I can still live here even without his pension ( mine is rubbish compared to his) we have taken all this into account. Too many people do not make plans for illness and infirmity in their old age. It might not happen but it does to a significant proportion. Even if you only have a few months of handicap at the end of your life, remaining in your own home may not be possible

Wdigin2this · 13/04/2018 01:58

LizzieDarcey exactly what you say!

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 13/04/2018 02:07

I’m married to a Korean and having been here for some time, I do have to say that I also find it weird how little some western parents do for their kids, and vice versa.

We fully expect to have his parents living with us at some point, and we’ve discussed all moving into apartments next door to each other.

Even though I’m not that close to my own parents, they’ve always had their door open for me and if I asked, they’d have me and my family back living with them tomorrow.

I personally don’t understand families being able to see their kids/parents struggle while they enjoy themselves.

Prisonhistory1 · 13/04/2018 02:35

'Elderly don't want to move, because it is their family home full of memories and they usually have built up a network of friends, relatives and services that they use eg shop, doctor, clubs. Lots of people don't like change, even if it would be beneficial for them. Moving house costs money, time and emotions. However, I've moved several times and I expect to move a few more times and downsize to fund retirement and hobbies.

Skatingfastonthinice · 13/04/2018 02:37

I remember taking a class of first generation immigrant children on a trip to the city. Absolute poverty line and below, most of them.
I had to explain what an ‘Old Folk’s Home’ was to them, several times because none of them could get their heads around the idea that your old people didn’t move in with family when they couldn’t manage alone.
Taking care of family isn’t linear, and the demands of that sort of network can be huge.

SpareASquare · 13/04/2018 03:08

The entitlement is strong.

People can argue all day long about who has it harder but I don't think you can deny the previous generations ability and mindset as far as living within their means. Something we just don't seem to do well. 'We' like to blame everyone and everything else without taking any real responsibility for the choices we make.

I will help my children where I can. I won't compromise my own financial position to do so. I also know that they all have a strong work ethic and willingness to help themselves as much as they possibly can. If they had the attitude that I owed them I doubt I'd be so inclined.

MrsJackHackett · 13/04/2018 03:30

It's a bit like family members having spare rooms and a relative needs a bed for a few nights but it's a total no go. They're too used to life by themselves.

It got me thinking, seeing this on FB was the person entitled thinking they'd be ok, or was the family mean?

Paperplain · 13/04/2018 03:51

Because it's their home?

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