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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is NO POINT if I'm just an exhausted, withered HUSK by the end of it

96 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:05

That's right. A husk.

Lighthearted sort of

DP is obsessed with the the idea that we're going to be destitute and working until we are 105 because we don't own any property.

So we left our rented flat (yes it was extortionate for what was essentially not much bigger than the cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's, but it was ours and the area was lovely) in October last year and moved into DP's Dad's house to save money for a deposit.

I HATE hate hate hate it. The area is just horrible. People gob in the road and dogs shit all over the path. Someone got arrested for armed robbery on our driveway last week so we had six police units flashing their lights at 3am arresting the bloke and looking for a knife he'd lobbed in the bushes. There are regular acts of defenestration and as a result the front gardens are littered with random household objects. There are poor heavily pregnant cats waddling about when it's freezing cold. There's NOTHING going for the area at all, it's horrible. And it's miles from anywhere decent. (It's in a tube zone but barely)

I work really long hours- 8am-7pm five days a week. I'm a nanny and my charges are small so it's really full on. I'm on the go all that time. I run around playing and cooking and ferrying them to clubs and doing craft projects and reading stories and entertaining their freinds and and pushing them on swings and doing all their washing and ironing and bath and bedtime, the whole shebang. That's in zone 1. So I get up at 6am to make it there for 8, I get back at 8:30pm. I feel like I have NO quality of home-life whatsoever. By the time I get in I'm shattered and have hardly any time to unwind before I have to get up and do it all over again. I don't go to bed early enough because I have my own washing etc to do in the evening. By gevtime we actually sleep it's about 1am some nights. I love my job so not letting the tiredness overwhelm me during the day is a real challenge.

I'm honestly at the end of my rope with it. If DP one more time tries to remind me why we're doing it and how much money we'll save I will merrily skin him alive and have him made into a satchel. I don't want to get kicks from looking at my fucking ISA balance, I want to get home at a decent hour without wanting to murder people on the tube and have a glass of wine and have time to go to the gym or watch telly.

Apparently he 'understands' about the tiredness (and I really don't want to go down the route of competitive tiredness but the truth is, he doesn't) he works 9-5:30 in a middle-management office role where he freely admits that a lot of days are spent 'pissing about on YouTube' with the occasional early finish to go to the pub with his colleagues. His commute is also long though and he also hates where we live.

I'm actually earning a really decent wage now and could afford to rent somewhere really nice. But then we wouldn't save anything like the money we'd planned to (but could save some) We've got a wedding to pay for next year too but about half is already paid.

Last week I slept in a travel lodge by myself round the corner just so I didn't have to face the commute in the evening or the next morning Blush

So AIBU to say to DP I can't do this much longer and can we have our lives back please?

OP posts:
RickOShay · 12/04/2018 20:07

Oh god that is tough, how long have you got in the house?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 12/04/2018 20:09

Have you not set a time limit on how long you would stay before buying a property?

MistressDeeCee · 12/04/2018 20:10

You need to leave your job for a job with sensible hours for you, in the 1st instance. How long would it take you to save for a house deposit? I think your DH has the right idea actually- renting is "empty money". & it's not his fault his job is easier than yours. If you hate the area you live in now so much then ask him about renting a very small flat somewhere less expensive than your previous area, but more acceptable than his dad's house/area which is too far away from your job

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:13

We originally said until October 2019. Even then with London prices we'd be looking at shared ownership rather than a full mortgage on a place in a semi decent area. I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this though.

OP posts:
haverhill · 12/04/2018 20:14

Genuinely curious: where are you living?
Agree with Mistress that a compromise is needed like a titchy flat somewhere less soul-destroying.

haverhill · 12/04/2018 20:14

Or even a house share.?

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:15

Should have mentioned- I didn't have this current job when we moved. So the hours and commute were different. Not leaving this job- it's the best one I've ever had and very well paid.

We were originally meant to stay until 2019. Even then with London property prices we'd only be looking at shared ownership rather then a full mortgage on a two-bed in a semi decent area. I just don't think I can do this much longer.

OP posts:
Want2beme · 12/04/2018 20:16

How long do you think you'll be there before you've saved enough? Is there any possibility of you staying at your employers house Monday to Friday or for a couple of nights?

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:18

Live-in unfortunately not an option in this job- no spare room.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 12/04/2018 20:18

London prices have a big range. Which areas? Where are you now and where do you work. There are nicer more affordable parts.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:21

Anywhere commutable to the Notting Hill area, I'm not even fussy about it as long as it's not as shit ascwgete we are now. But we'd still need a sizeable deposit.

OP posts:
Weezol · 12/04/2018 20:22

If he's working shorter hours than you why isn't he doing the washing etc?

Notmorewashing · 12/04/2018 20:22

Do help to buy and rent other half ?

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:23

That's what we hope to do Notmorewashing. But still need a fair whack of money to be able to.

OP posts:
TalkFastThinkSlow · 12/04/2018 20:24

To be honest, I see your partner's point.

DP, DS and I will soon be moving in with my MIL to save money for us to buy. That will be 4 of us in a 2 bed house, in not the best area. I'm not looking forward to it, but we will save £1k a month.

It's not your DPs fault that you have a job with more of a commute and longer hours.

Also, unless they're paying you upwards of 40k per year, I wouldn't think it's worth it (genuinely curious)

Also, consider moving out of London when buying. We live in Kent, my commute to London is an hour. I know people who live and work in London, and their commute is still longer!

Believeitornot · 12/04/2018 20:24

Post something in the property topic and ask for advice with a budget...?

Try this type in your postcode and it gives areas

LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2018 20:25

God that sounds really tough, you have lots of sympathy from me. I lived with my parents in law for 13 months. It was hell. And that was without a hideous commute and I had no truck with the area. The house itself depressed me beyond belief though.

Thing is, when living with one partners' parent/s, sharing the stress is difficult because it's going to come down much more heavily on you than him. Add a commute and a stressful job on top of that and it is going to take its toil on you and ultimately the relationship. Your DP needs to understand that.

And if the intention is to save, then its pointless to try to get yourself through with lots of treats/meals out/weekends away. It's just a long, hard slog.

October 2019 is a long time away. I'm not sure it's realistic for you to stay there that long. Have a think about what you really want. Is owning a property that important? Does it have to be in London? If it's ownership and a nice area you're looking for, then you might do better in another city. Can your DP do more to bring in extra cash (working evenings/weekends)?

He needs to understand that you're not happy and this isn't sustainable. And come up with another plan.

adaline · 12/04/2018 20:26

Do you have to stay in London? Properly is so much cheaper outside the south-east.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:26

They are paying me just over that, TalkFast, so definitely worth it from that perspective.

OP posts:
Carboholic · 12/04/2018 20:28

Ditch the wedding! (just do the paperwork bit). Stay in the house a bit more until you can get on the ladder? Good luck.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:29

The problem is for my well-being I feel like I can't stay in the house much longer. I'd rather rent somewhere small and commutable and save slowly. It would take a lot longer, I know.

I don't want to move anywhere where 2x season train tickets costing thousands of pounds will wipe out any saving on debt or mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:30

*rent.

OP posts:
TalkFastThinkSlow · 12/04/2018 20:33

I would look outside of London, then, because you won't need to save as much and you will most likely be able to buy somewhere without going into shared ownership

Just an example, cos it's not the best area, but DP and I are in Chatham where prices are currently ranging from £110k to £400k, depending on exact location and type of property.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:35

I would be happy to look into it TalkFast but two season tickets for the train into London would wipe out a fair chunk of our monthly incomes.

OP posts:
AwkwardSquad · 12/04/2018 20:37

I think there’s a balance to be struck between being sensible for the future and actually having a reasonable life now. It took me a long time to realise that, when I was in a difficult living situation, and I became more and more unhappy. Now in a much better living situation, nowhere near as ‘sensible ‘ financially but we’re happy with our lives in the present. Our quality of life is so much better.