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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is NO POINT if I'm just an exhausted, withered HUSK by the end of it

96 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:05

That's right. A husk.

Lighthearted sort of

DP is obsessed with the the idea that we're going to be destitute and working until we are 105 because we don't own any property.

So we left our rented flat (yes it was extortionate for what was essentially not much bigger than the cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's, but it was ours and the area was lovely) in October last year and moved into DP's Dad's house to save money for a deposit.

I HATE hate hate hate it. The area is just horrible. People gob in the road and dogs shit all over the path. Someone got arrested for armed robbery on our driveway last week so we had six police units flashing their lights at 3am arresting the bloke and looking for a knife he'd lobbed in the bushes. There are regular acts of defenestration and as a result the front gardens are littered with random household objects. There are poor heavily pregnant cats waddling about when it's freezing cold. There's NOTHING going for the area at all, it's horrible. And it's miles from anywhere decent. (It's in a tube zone but barely)

I work really long hours- 8am-7pm five days a week. I'm a nanny and my charges are small so it's really full on. I'm on the go all that time. I run around playing and cooking and ferrying them to clubs and doing craft projects and reading stories and entertaining their freinds and and pushing them on swings and doing all their washing and ironing and bath and bedtime, the whole shebang. That's in zone 1. So I get up at 6am to make it there for 8, I get back at 8:30pm. I feel like I have NO quality of home-life whatsoever. By the time I get in I'm shattered and have hardly any time to unwind before I have to get up and do it all over again. I don't go to bed early enough because I have my own washing etc to do in the evening. By gevtime we actually sleep it's about 1am some nights. I love my job so not letting the tiredness overwhelm me during the day is a real challenge.

I'm honestly at the end of my rope with it. If DP one more time tries to remind me why we're doing it and how much money we'll save I will merrily skin him alive and have him made into a satchel. I don't want to get kicks from looking at my fucking ISA balance, I want to get home at a decent hour without wanting to murder people on the tube and have a glass of wine and have time to go to the gym or watch telly.

Apparently he 'understands' about the tiredness (and I really don't want to go down the route of competitive tiredness but the truth is, he doesn't) he works 9-5:30 in a middle-management office role where he freely admits that a lot of days are spent 'pissing about on YouTube' with the occasional early finish to go to the pub with his colleagues. His commute is also long though and he also hates where we live.

I'm actually earning a really decent wage now and could afford to rent somewhere really nice. But then we wouldn't save anything like the money we'd planned to (but could save some) We've got a wedding to pay for next year too but about half is already paid.

Last week I slept in a travel lodge by myself round the corner just so I didn't have to face the commute in the evening or the next morning Blush

So AIBU to say to DP I can't do this much longer and can we have our lives back please?

OP posts:
GinghamStyle · 12/04/2018 21:04

I don't think it's worth being worn to a husk.

No advice as London is like a different country when it comes to house prices and commuting compared to having work, home and school all within 10 minutes walking distance.

I hope you find a solution/compromise soon.

twinkledag · 12/04/2018 21:04

Which area are you in?

chocatoo · 12/04/2018 21:10

Think of yourself as being lucky - because you are! How many people are in a position where they are able to save money like that.
Grit your teeth and get on with it. Think of the money. The time will pass faster than you think. It will be worth it when you have your place. You sound tired - do you have a few days of vacation you can use? House sitting sounds an excellent idea.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 21:11

www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/revealed-five-london-boroughs-ranked-among-uks-top-ten-most-happy-places-to-live-a3655306.html

I'm in no 2, on a sprawling estate with shitty transport links.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2018 21:12

We need some jam today, not just the promise of jam tomorrow! To misuse a very old saying.

Absolutely. It may be just a phase, but it doesn't make that phase any easier when you're going through it. Also, tough times in your life can have a lasting impact.

I think the point about the OP's DP not making any sacrifices is a good one. It's hard when you feel like you're shouldering the entire burden. That needs to be talked about.

halfwitpicker · 12/04/2018 21:13

You're satchel comment made me chuckle...

I'd consider a few nights per week in the travel lodge tbh - your commute sounds hellish. And rethink the wedding surely.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 12/04/2018 21:13

Serious question - why would anybody live in London these days unless they are on 100k plus or have very rich parents? I know so many people in a very situation to yourself OP. There is no solution which doesnt involve either moving out of London and properly relocating; or wasting a large chunk of your life having ... no life. All for a SHARE of a house. Wtf? Not even a house outright! It is utter madness.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 21:14

Thanks Laurie, you get exactly where I'm coming from! It does seem like a huge sacrifice at the moment.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/04/2018 21:16

Would it be worth it to cancel the wedding, get what deposits back that you can and just get married at the Registry Office? That would add to your pot and shorten your stay at FiLs house.

StopPOP · 12/04/2018 21:16

I'm catapulted back to 1999-2000 where we slept on the floor of MIL's 1 bedroom flat in a highrise to save for a deposit. Granted, nowhere near as extortionate as today but still a fair whack given the meagre salaries we were on.

Was it hideous? 100%
Was there even a bloody washing machine? NO and we had to schelp to the laundry.
Was it a rough area? Yup
Horrible journey to work? Yes, two buses crammed full of schoolkids

Was it worth it? Yes, absolutely.

twinkledag · 12/04/2018 21:20

Ah, I see why you want to move so desperately.

Amammi · 12/04/2018 21:27

Would it help to put a picture in your mind of what you are going to buy once this tough period is over? Start planning it in your mind and it may help keep you motivated.
If you don't buy what's the plan for where you will live when you retire?

throwawayagain · 12/04/2018 21:29

I used to think that being a Nanny was a terribly paid job, until a good friend landed a very lucrative job with some extraordinarily famous people. I am not telling you who they were, BTW, but it wasn't a standard role.
The hours could be insane, but on occasion she would earn upward of £500 per hour (for driving an hour each way for a couple of hours work). She did have use of a house on their grounds, which made it easier. The children were teens too, so the care element was different. The children needed entertaining, and to be safe. There was no housework type stuff involved.
Therefore, I understand why you would want to hold onto a role like this. However, having references from a lucrative role will often put you in a prime position for others.
I think it may be wise to be careful about where you invest in property. I know many people who live 60+ miles from London and commute from a financially manageable location. Most have lovely, large homes and great salaries.
If you had the deposit, there are often very interesting and lucrative Nanny jobs outside of London, with reasonable hours. Bedfordshire and Oxford are examples.
My friend found hers through an agency. Had no idea who they were, until the interviews were complete, and job offered.

CoffeeOrSleep · 12/04/2018 21:30

Serious question - is nannying in London worth it if this is the cost? You have to work very long hours to get a decent wage, you have to find a London property because you can't afford the time to commute.

It seems such a hideous circle - you need to live in central London, where prices are very high, because you work long hours in central London and need a short commute. You need to work the job with long hours so that you can earn a high wage. You need to have a high wage because you want to buy in central London. You want to buy in central London because you want a short commute. You need the short commute to do the long hours so that you can earn the big money so that you can fund the mortgage so that you can live in central London so that you can have a short commute...

As an experienced nanny, you could get work anywhere in the U.K., possibly not at the current wage levels, and possibly not as job title nanny, but a decent job which might afford you a good sized home.

The problem is your DPs job. Could he work elsewhere in the country, or is he not prepared to move away from his family?

Shinycantle · 12/04/2018 21:32

No advice op but I think you should give up up nannying and start writing as you have a real talent for it! Smile

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 21:35

Shiny that's kind of you- perhaps I could start penning something on that horrible long tube journey...

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2018 21:40

I can imagine that the market for nannying in places like Manchester/Edinburgh/Bristol would be pretty good.

deadringer · 12/04/2018 21:48

Probably a daft suggestion but could you get a flat share near your job while your dp stays at his dad's and just see each other at weekends. That way you would be only paying half of the rent on the flat and have way less commuting costs. Ignore me if it's a daft suggestion but honestly I don't think I could live in your current situation for any length of time.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 21:53

I don't think it's a daft suggestion at all deadringer. I'm highly tempted to do exactly that. I don't think DP would be happy at all as he'd see it as abandoning the situation and he'd point out I'd be saving less money. But I've been looking on Spareroom today Blush have had some awful house-shares in the last but also some great ones.

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 12/04/2018 21:53

Actually, what about a step further? There's lots of demand for British Nannies overseas. If you could go somewhere live in abroad, you'd get more experience, you can save the bulk of your wage. You and your DP see very little of each other already in the week and sounds like you spend the weekend recovering.

Look for a live in role somewhere interesting and also get him to consider properly if living in central London is something he really must do. Unless you are going to have consistantly combined salaries of over £100k, I don't see that London is a good idea long term.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 21:56

The trouble with DP's job is it's something he is not academically qualified for but a position he's worked his way up to in the same company from a really low-paid entry position- it's taken him ten years. It's quite a niche role in a niche industry and not one he could easily get the equivalent of or start over somewhere else Sad

OP posts:
farfallarocks · 12/04/2018 22:00

Nannies Work
Really hard. If charges are young do you get a break when they nap? Go to nursery on the morning? I sympathise! Our nanny works
Long hours and moved closer to us to cut out the commute!

Ineedabreak89 · 12/04/2018 22:01

YANBU. I also have a ‘D’H that thought buying a property is an absolute must. He was willing to sacrifice holidays, food, my happiness for it. So we bought a property. A tiny property in an area I hate. And now I’m stuck and I hate him for it. I would also have preferred to rent for a bit longer but he was obsessed. Don’t waste the best years of your life because some big important man wants to be a landowner. He doesn’t give a shit about what this is doing to you. Fuck him and his dream. Your life sounds miserable. I wouldn’t be able to cope.

NonnoMum · 12/04/2018 22:02

Yup - i agree with the poster who said your DP isn't sacrificing much. Also, you are staying with his family, which is much easier for him than you.
He could help by ensuring you have a meal on the table when you come in, the laundry is done, you have a bit of time to yourself after you commute etc etc. He has a couple more hours free in his day so he needs to pander to you and the the sacrifice you are making...

coconuttella · 12/04/2018 22:12

Airbnb is generally much cheaper than a Travelodge... just saying