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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there is NO POINT if I'm just an exhausted, withered HUSK by the end of it

96 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:05

That's right. A husk.

Lighthearted sort of

DP is obsessed with the the idea that we're going to be destitute and working until we are 105 because we don't own any property.

So we left our rented flat (yes it was extortionate for what was essentially not much bigger than the cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's, but it was ours and the area was lovely) in October last year and moved into DP's Dad's house to save money for a deposit.

I HATE hate hate hate it. The area is just horrible. People gob in the road and dogs shit all over the path. Someone got arrested for armed robbery on our driveway last week so we had six police units flashing their lights at 3am arresting the bloke and looking for a knife he'd lobbed in the bushes. There are regular acts of defenestration and as a result the front gardens are littered with random household objects. There are poor heavily pregnant cats waddling about when it's freezing cold. There's NOTHING going for the area at all, it's horrible. And it's miles from anywhere decent. (It's in a tube zone but barely)

I work really long hours- 8am-7pm five days a week. I'm a nanny and my charges are small so it's really full on. I'm on the go all that time. I run around playing and cooking and ferrying them to clubs and doing craft projects and reading stories and entertaining their freinds and and pushing them on swings and doing all their washing and ironing and bath and bedtime, the whole shebang. That's in zone 1. So I get up at 6am to make it there for 8, I get back at 8:30pm. I feel like I have NO quality of home-life whatsoever. By the time I get in I'm shattered and have hardly any time to unwind before I have to get up and do it all over again. I don't go to bed early enough because I have my own washing etc to do in the evening. By gevtime we actually sleep it's about 1am some nights. I love my job so not letting the tiredness overwhelm me during the day is a real challenge.

I'm honestly at the end of my rope with it. If DP one more time tries to remind me why we're doing it and how much money we'll save I will merrily skin him alive and have him made into a satchel. I don't want to get kicks from looking at my fucking ISA balance, I want to get home at a decent hour without wanting to murder people on the tube and have a glass of wine and have time to go to the gym or watch telly.

Apparently he 'understands' about the tiredness (and I really don't want to go down the route of competitive tiredness but the truth is, he doesn't) he works 9-5:30 in a middle-management office role where he freely admits that a lot of days are spent 'pissing about on YouTube' with the occasional early finish to go to the pub with his colleagues. His commute is also long though and he also hates where we live.

I'm actually earning a really decent wage now and could afford to rent somewhere really nice. But then we wouldn't save anything like the money we'd planned to (but could save some) We've got a wedding to pay for next year too but about half is already paid.

Last week I slept in a travel lodge by myself round the corner just so I didn't have to face the commute in the evening or the next morning

So AIBU to say to DP I can't do this much longer and can we have our lives back please?

OP posts:

minipie · 12/04/2018 22:29

I suggest looking not for a flatshare but a room in a family house. So you would be a lodger Mon-Thurs and go to FIL's house at weekends. There may well be a few families in areas quite near Notting Hill (but a bit less well off!) who would want a lodger Mon-Thurs. Might even be able to offer some evening babysitting in return for lower charge for the room.

Original poster

HarrietKettleWasHere · 13/04/2018 07:25

Thanks all- think Monday to Friday lodging somewhere in reasonable commutable distance might be the answer.

OP posts:

chuffsake · 13/04/2018 07:40

I used to work in Notting Hill whilst living on the other side of London and the only way I could make the commute bearable was to do my compulsory basic training and get myself a moped. That way I was in control of my own commute and it was a very quick and liberating way to travel. Especially going through the parks etc. Could that be an option? Or would it just get stolen?

ferntwist · 13/04/2018 07:45

YANBU. You’re going to burn yourself out! You can’t live like this til your wedding.

IAmMatty · 13/04/2018 07:46

I have nothing useful to add, I just want to applaud your use of 'defenestration'. It's one of my very favourite words

mizu · 13/04/2018 08:06

[husk]

You are def not being unreasonable. Nothing is fun if you are knackered all the time.

We are just buying for the 1st - and probably last - time and we are in our 40s. It has taken years to save a deposit and we will be buying something small but in a great area.

It's not worth it if you're half dead by the end of it!

I don't think I could have lived with DH's family for any length of time tbh.

amy85 · 13/04/2018 08:11

Working 11 hours a day will make it difficult to have any quality home time after work tbh

PaddyF0dder · 13/04/2018 08:12

“Regular Acts of Defenistration” is a good band name.

JustDanceAddict · 13/04/2018 08:17

I would look into alternatives too - the Live-In Guardians, the house sitting etc. Surely there has to be a better short/term solution. I could never have lived with my in-laws even though they lived in a reasonable area - just no - so you have my sympathies there & the commute sounds a killer too. Good luck, you’re trying to do a sensible thing, but you can’t sacrifice another 18 months of life.

RedHelenB · 13/04/2018 10:31

I think her dp is getting a bit of a raw deal here, she chose to move job that meant a longer commute! You're talking about year and a half. Not that long at all. Could you do a night a week at the place you nanny at so you can have a bit of a lie in/gym sescion?

Original poster

HarrietKettleWasHere · 13/04/2018 12:21

No- no spare room at job.

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 13/04/2018 13:45

I don't think DP would be happy at all as he'd see it as abandoning the situation and he'd point out I'd be saving less money.

Perhaps you could point out that he'd be saving more money if he didn't go to the pub after work? Or is he only willing to sacrifice your immediate happiness for long-term gain, and not his own?

withouttea · 13/04/2018 14:36

Your living situation sounds like it's just not working.

I don't think renting is necessarily dead money, not with house prices in London beginning to dip a little. You might find the falls in what you'll need to pay to buy exceed the rent you'll be shelling out.

Cuppaoftea · 13/04/2018 14:59

I'd really try and get him to move with you to a better area closer to work. Yes you'll be paying rent and saving at a slower rate but you'll be together in your own place with privacy in the year leading up to your wedding and as newlyweds.

If you find a lodging during the week how easy will it be to see eachother at all on week nights? And will you really want to still spend your weekends at your FIL's still.

I appreciate you need to at least make a move yourself as you'll burn yourself out and could end up making mistakes at work.

ToadOfSadness · 13/04/2018 15:35

In answer to your thread title, no it is not worth it and if you don't do something about it you will be controlled as to where you live for the rest of the relationship.

I made a mistake with moving house for my partner's benefit and as a result have moved house several times, never my choice to move but always having to do so for one reason or another while he gets to work where he wants and has a shorter commute. I hate where I live and wish I was still at the last house, I am so worn down but it all, and the circumstances around it that I am not in a position to cope with it any more and would dearly love to just walk out, but I simply have no energy left to fight it any more. Do not end up like this, hold on to your life as you want it to be, and keep it. You have a selfish partner, don't forget that.

ToadOfSadness · 13/04/2018 15:36

by it all

BlackberryandNettle · 13/04/2018 17:22

Could you look to buy outside London, in an area that's cheaper? Because so long as you are within reach of London, there will be people who need an experienced nanny whilst they schlep in and out of London for work!! Herts/Bucks/Beds?

BlackberryandNettle · 13/04/2018 17:23

Obviously you'd need to move job but think of the saved time and money if you didn't need to commute in. Could your partner move job?

Alicatz66 · 13/04/2018 17:30

I feel for you ... and if staying in the Travelodge is better than Home it's not good ... please do not become a husk ... it sounds exhausting.. you are going to have to talk to partner about this ... xx

BlackberryandNettle · 13/04/2018 17:32

Join some Facebook pages for nice towns commutable to London, there are people seeking nannies all the time. FWIW I live outside London and local friends pay their nanny very well indeed, she is their only option due to the length of their working day. Nanny lives in a less posh but still nice town around a 20 minute drive from their place.

AwkwardPaws27 · 13/04/2018 17:43

Just an idea, but could you & your DP house/flatshare further in to London (or even, further out but somewhere nicer and an easier commute/on a better line for your workplaces)? Then you can still save a lot and have the compromise to be able to save some money without it being so awful?
My DP & I house shared while he retrained, it wasnt ideal but meant I could still save towards a deposit for our flat.
If you don't like the area you are living in & it's a long commute across London, it could be a good way to explore potential areas to buy in too if you rented a room elsewhere?

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