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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is NO POINT if I'm just an exhausted, withered HUSK by the end of it

96 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:05

That's right. A husk.

Lighthearted sort of

DP is obsessed with the the idea that we're going to be destitute and working until we are 105 because we don't own any property.

So we left our rented flat (yes it was extortionate for what was essentially not much bigger than the cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's, but it was ours and the area was lovely) in October last year and moved into DP's Dad's house to save money for a deposit.

I HATE hate hate hate it. The area is just horrible. People gob in the road and dogs shit all over the path. Someone got arrested for armed robbery on our driveway last week so we had six police units flashing their lights at 3am arresting the bloke and looking for a knife he'd lobbed in the bushes. There are regular acts of defenestration and as a result the front gardens are littered with random household objects. There are poor heavily pregnant cats waddling about when it's freezing cold. There's NOTHING going for the area at all, it's horrible. And it's miles from anywhere decent. (It's in a tube zone but barely)

I work really long hours- 8am-7pm five days a week. I'm a nanny and my charges are small so it's really full on. I'm on the go all that time. I run around playing and cooking and ferrying them to clubs and doing craft projects and reading stories and entertaining their freinds and and pushing them on swings and doing all their washing and ironing and bath and bedtime, the whole shebang. That's in zone 1. So I get up at 6am to make it there for 8, I get back at 8:30pm. I feel like I have NO quality of home-life whatsoever. By the time I get in I'm shattered and have hardly any time to unwind before I have to get up and do it all over again. I don't go to bed early enough because I have my own washing etc to do in the evening. By gevtime we actually sleep it's about 1am some nights. I love my job so not letting the tiredness overwhelm me during the day is a real challenge.

I'm honestly at the end of my rope with it. If DP one more time tries to remind me why we're doing it and how much money we'll save I will merrily skin him alive and have him made into a satchel. I don't want to get kicks from looking at my fucking ISA balance, I want to get home at a decent hour without wanting to murder people on the tube and have a glass of wine and have time to go to the gym or watch telly.

Apparently he 'understands' about the tiredness (and I really don't want to go down the route of competitive tiredness but the truth is, he doesn't) he works 9-5:30 in a middle-management office role where he freely admits that a lot of days are spent 'pissing about on YouTube' with the occasional early finish to go to the pub with his colleagues. His commute is also long though and he also hates where we live.

I'm actually earning a really decent wage now and could afford to rent somewhere really nice. But then we wouldn't save anything like the money we'd planned to (but could save some) We've got a wedding to pay for next year too but about half is already paid.

Last week I slept in a travel lodge by myself round the corner just so I didn't have to face the commute in the evening or the next morning Blush

So AIBU to say to DP I can't do this much longer and can we have our lives back please?

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2018 20:37

What about saving with the intention of buying and then living & working somewhere else?

NonnoMum · 12/04/2018 20:38

Stick with it - can you live in at your job a couple of nights a week?

AwkwardSquad · 12/04/2018 20:38

And is it worth the extra cost and the impact on future security? God, yes. Every penny.

NonnoMum · 12/04/2018 20:39

tbh, your day sounds pretty much like mine, only I've made it to home owner and the kids are mine...!

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:39

I think that's what I mean AwkwardSquad and what I'm struggling to put across to DP Sad

I know everyone always says London is not the centre of the universe etc etc and I do agree to an extent. But our jobs are here and we want to keep them.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/04/2018 20:41

Can’t you survive a Monday to Friday and get out and enjoy the weekends a bit ? As seriously it’s NOT forever . Sometimes we need to survive a bit to live later . Make the room nice , chill and do shit at the weekend to get away . Better this than Wasting money in rent . Try and be a bit glass is half full about the money you save and have lovely weekends

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/04/2018 20:42

Me too Nonno!!!!

AwkwardSquad · 12/04/2018 20:44

Could you both compromise on renting again and getting your work/life balance back for at least long enough to give you breathing space and some happiness, and then decide what to do longer term? That’s what we’re doing.

And renting is not ‘dead money’. It’s a home, without maintenance responsibilities, with flexibility if you want to go somewhere else. I know there are cons too, but no choice is perfect!

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2018 20:45

Have you looked into being a property guardian for commercial spaces? They rent them out cheaply to stop squatters & the accommodation is often unusual but can be central...

LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2018 20:46

It's very easy to advocate sticking it out when you haven't done something similar yourself.

The cost to your mental health and the impact on your relationship can be hugely significant.

After the fact, I calculated that staying with my in-laws saved us €20,000 (and of course they were incredibly kind and generous to allow us to do that).

It still wasn't worth it and I wouldn't do it again.

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2018 20:47

uk.cameloteurope.com/property/780-London

OlennasWimple · 12/04/2018 20:49

Could you book a night in the Travelodge once a week every week? Booked far enough in advance that you get a decent rate? Just having a bit of a break from the commute and the area might be enough to keep you sane whilst you save up?

LesleyA · 12/04/2018 20:50

i know you work a lot as it is ....just reading it made me tired but could you see if you can get a night carer role in the area you work for someone who doesnt need much help. Just for during the week or one week on one week off. Then you could wake up have a homey breakfast a short short trip to work and yes your life wouldnt be normal and would miss out on being wtih your partner but really this current set up would destroy any couple. you wont even want to use the satchel. I looked after 2 old ladies. they were both lovely and occassionally they woke up at night but not often enough to generally prevent a good night sleep. You could also earn more and reach your goal sooner. Good luck. Wow I do hope you have wonderful books you can escape into to en route to work if you can stay awake!

AwkwardSquad · 12/04/2018 20:50

Exactly, Laurie

We need some jam today, not just the promise of jam tomorrow! To misuse a very old saying.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 12/04/2018 20:50

I wish I had been able to save the money years ago when I had the chance. We can't afford to now, what with travel costs and ridiculously expensive childcare, which is why were moving into MILs house.

My travel is 5k a year, so I do appreciate the cost of a travel card. But I get paid 10k more in London than I would in Kent.

Anyway, my point is that you have a great opportunity to secure your future, and I would encourage you not to waste it.

I've been renting since I was 17 and I hate to think of the 1000s I've given away.

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2018 20:52

dotdotdotproperty.com/location/west-croydon-cr0/

SlowlyLosingThePlot · 12/04/2018 20:53

Have you thought of becoming registered house sitters? One of the difficulties in being a house sitter is where to stay when you don't have a 'job'. But if it was for short, occasional stints you could likely manage your in-laws house.

You could find NICE houses in nicer, closer areas to your work.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 12/04/2018 20:53

How much was the Travel Lodge? I'd go for a half way measure before chucking the towel in. Can you try the odd night in a hotel - see what the best ratio that works for you is. Get your DP to step up more with laundry and the other jobs keeping you up until 1am. If he's home hours before you then he should be doing the home-work. Cut back on the wedding spending.

HermionesRightHook · 12/04/2018 20:53

We moved out of London. The rental prices are so, so much lower that even with two train fares we were saving money on what we had been paid.

Divorcequestions · 12/04/2018 20:54

I think some of your issues stem from your dp being gung ho about saving for a house but doesn't seem to have really sacrificed anything.

You are coming of a long shift with a long commute and having to start the house work yet he finishes earlier so could do it. Also him going to the pub when he finishes earlier is not really in the spirit of saving every penny

KarmaStar · 12/04/2018 20:54

Could see if anyone in your area needs a house sitter?The Lady magazine advertised such posts,might be more online,or you could put the feelers out on sm.
It's definitely worth owning rather than renting,you're just paying someone's else's mortgage instead of your own
Good luck op,I really hope you find somewhere soon🌻

GrannyGrissle · 12/04/2018 20:54

People regularly fall backwards out of windows? misses point

LesleyA · 12/04/2018 20:55

i know you work a lot as it is ....just reading it made me tired but could you see if you can get a night carer role in the area you work for someone who doesnt need much help. Just for during the week or one week on one week off. Then you could wake up have a homey breakfast a short short trip to work and yes your life wouldnt be normal and would miss out on being wtih your partner but really this current set up would destroy any couple. you wont even want to use the satchel. I looked after 2 old ladies. they were both lovely and occassionally they woke up at night but not often enough to generally prevent a good night sleep. You could also earn more and reach your goal sooner. Good luck. Wow I do hope you have wonderful books you can escape into to en route to work if you can stay awake!

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:57

The guardian thing abdcthe house-sitting and the other suggestions are great and I will look into, thank you Smile

I don't want to paint DP in a bad light as he does do washing etc too! But when I get home I still put stiff away, pack my bag, sort clothes for the next day, sort the cat, just bits and pieces that take time, and then I find I cavy just switch off and go to sleep.

you won't even want to use the satchel made me laugh Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 12/04/2018 20:59

Defenestration as I understand it is throwing things out of windows, not people! Thankfully I haven't seen that yet.

OP posts: