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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dd can have her Raffi whenever she wants

100 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/04/2018 09:53

Having a bit of a standoff with our (otherwise brilliant, she has also cared for 7yo ds since he was a baby) cm regarding 16mo dd and her Raffi (giraffe blankie comfort thingy). She's mentioned several times to me and to my dh this morning that she's having it too often and helps herself to it from her bag etc. The implication is that it's a bad habit we are instilling at home.

Our view is that she's a small child, little older than a baby, she doesn't suck her thumb, doesn't have a dummy, and it's her only means of comfort and doing her no harm at all to have it if she feels she wants/ needs it.

For context, she's had a nasty virus and chicken pox back to back very recently, has been more dependant than normal on her Raffi during this time and has only just gone back to cm after enjoying time at home with dh and me juggling work between us. She's not a clingy child but has been reluctant to leave us in the morning for the past couple of days.

At home she goes for long periods without Raffi (especially if he's not accessible) and has him when she gets tired or upset and asks for him. I could not care less at her age how often she has him and certainly am not going to turn it into a battle, which our cm seems to be doing.

We've said we're really not bothered by it, but our cm has taken against it for some reason and is trying to 'cut down' on it.

Dd is a very confident, feisty character and this is one unnecessary battle imo for no positive reason that is obvious to me. Aibu?

OP posts:

QuietNinjaTardis · 12/04/2018 09:55

My daughter’s 4 and has gone to Nursery today with her bunny. Tell your cm to back off as you want her to have her comforter whenever she needs it. What is wrong with some people?!

KateGrey · 12/04/2018 09:57

If it was a teddy would cm ban that? My eight year old dd is autistic and from a very young age had one of my old tshirts. The whole thing. It became a rag and eventually at 4.5 years old she lost it (we eventually found it in the house). She needed the comfort. It did her no harm. Can’t see why cm can’t be more accommodating.

mehhh · 12/04/2018 09:57

I personally don't think you are.. if she was older I'd get taking it away slowing but she's only young, you're her mum it's your choice, take advice from others but ultimately you know what's best for her and what you're happy with... my dd has a teddy comforter to sleep with (she's 8months) but she won't sleep with out it, that's the only time she has it, when sleeping/calming down, I'll continue to let her have it as long as she wants

AnoiaUnstickMyDrawers · 12/04/2018 09:58

Yanbu. If you want her to have her toy whenever she wants there is no reason why she shouldn't.

Perhaps a conversation with the cm about why she thinks it's an issue, and where you can make it clear you want her to have it whenever she wants.

I'm not at all surprised she wants it more away from home.

OneStepSideways · 12/04/2018 09:58

I think it's fine as long as she doesn't cling to it all the time. My DD (2.5) has a comfort blanket that she snuggles at night or when she's tired/upset. I've never let her take it out of the house but I don't see the issue with it at home.

Prancingonthevalentine · 12/04/2018 10:00

Ds had something similar and nursery would put it in his coat pocket, where he could get it if he needed it. At home he would just carry it everywhere. I think dummies and comforters are generally disapproved off in childcare.

OneStepSideways · 12/04/2018 10:03

Just re-read your post. I'd ask the cm to let her have it at nap time only. DD's nursery doesn't let them have them any other time than nap time as they say it interferes with play and activities which is right IMO. I see lots of children at toddler groups who won't put their blanket/teddy down so they're trying to play one handed or with it clutched to their face. Or they get upset if another child tries to touch it.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/04/2018 10:06

Wtf? That's waaaay overstepping. Fabulous she may be but she really doesn't look like it from here. You need a very clear conversation on it. A 'standoff' is totally unacceptable. It's not her child and not her decision.

'Sorry but I'm just going to be clear on this - we don't have a problem with Raffi and want DD to have access to it whenever she wants. She's only 16 months, we're happy with her development and her confidence and we absolutely don't want her access to something that comforts her restricted - we want her to move on from it when SHE is ready.'

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/04/2018 10:06

Prancing I can understand that in a busy nursery setting, they are probably concerned about losing or damaging it. But this is a home environment, in which everything can be found.

Anoia she said it's essentially just become a dummy replacement and that's her objection. It's not though. She doesn't chew or suck it, she nuzzles/ sniffs it under her nose or carries it around. It can't damage her teeth.

OP posts:

GrooovyLass · 12/04/2018 10:07

She's a baby - she needs her comforter that reminds her of home! CM needs to chill out.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/04/2018 10:08

OneStep - I agree, but the DD here is 16 months. That's tiny. Playing one handed with the comforter at this stage seems fine to me. The point is that the DD is generally confident and coping with childcare well, so much better right now to let her gradually move on from the comforter rather than making a POINT (especially when not at home!) of restricting it, stressing her out, and potentially making her feel less secure... when in all likelihood this phase will be over in a few months.

RoseAndRose · 12/04/2018 10:08

If I was your CM, I'd be really worried about losing the damned thing.

Also, how often is it washed?

I suggest you work with the CM you describe as brilliant to find out exactly what the issue is and look at ways to change it. Could she have a toy or a different (set of) blankies for CM?

You say there are times when comforter is not accessible to her at home, so having the same sort of thing at the CM doesn't sound unreasonable.

Ihatebuildabear · 12/04/2018 10:10

It's your decision not hers surely?

FizzyGreenWater · 12/04/2018 10:10

Well, you need to tell her it's NOT a dummy replacement, and you want her to have access to it without restriction while in childcare until further notice - and that any work on separating from her comforter will be happening at home and NOT in childcare. End of conversation :)

BrownTurkey · 12/04/2018 10:11

Tell her that Tanya Byron (psychologist,often on TV) said her grown up daughter probably still has her childhood comforter near her bed somewhere.

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/04/2018 10:13

She's a very explorative learner and if engaged in an activity will be more than happy to put Raffi down to use two hands (or she hands it to a trusted adult!) and return to Raffi later. When we're out and about Raffi stays in her bag (without complaint) until she gets tired or upset.

OP posts:

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 12/04/2018 10:13

Totally agree with what @FizzyGreenWater just said. The decision is not your cm's; it's yours. Tell her and take no crap over the issue. Honestly I'd be furious if my cm tried to keep my ds comforter from him.

QueenieS · 12/04/2018 10:15

Tell her to let her have Raffi whenever she wants.

I started school at 4 and wasn't allowed my flopsy. My lovely mum
cut off one of its ears and put it in my cardigan pocket so I could stroke it without getting caught.

Luckily it worked and didn't traumatise me

Ihatebuildabear · 12/04/2018 10:15

And i agree with you! It's fine if she needs it!

AJPTaylor · 12/04/2018 10:18

Cm can offer an opinion but surely would defer to parent? My dd3 took her bear to nursery every single day. The older 2 didnt. She also took bear on her first day of school to meet her teacher and so he would know where she was! Day 2 he was happy to stay at home and hear about it afterwards. Her bear has been a souce of company and comfort for 10 years now.
Take no nonsense

Mookatron · 12/04/2018 10:19

Yes I would be insisting she was allowed it too. Try calling it her 'transitional object' to make it sound more educational.

Trampire · 12/04/2018 10:20

When my dcs were tiny my Cm (also brilliant) didn't allow any home possessions at her place, mainly meaning toys. Her reasoning was that they get damaged, lost and can become a sharing sore point with other mindees.
However, she was happy to use our dummies (frequently loosing them but we were just happy to replace them). Also your dd's Raffi is not a toy or a dummy.

I think you need another conversation and be more firm in your opinion and wishes. The CM should back down.

AjasLipstick · 12/04/2018 10:21

I wonder if she feels Raffi is hindering DD socially? Not because the other babies will judge her...imagine that! No because she's not physically as engaged in activities if she's holding her comfort toy.

Ihatebuildabear · 12/04/2018 10:24

But lipstick she's only16 month!

Children need to feel comforted and reassured only then can they learn. If they don't feel secure it is hard for them to do anything else. Basis of attachment.

WonderTweek · 12/04/2018 10:25

I didn’t even know kids should be weaned off their comforters. I think that if she needs her Raffi then let her have her Raffi. She’s still tiny!

My son is 15 months and in nursery 2.5 days a week and the staff always ask for the parents to bring any comforters/dummies in because if the child gets distressed they can really help calm them down. My boy always brings his muslin and they always give it to him at nap time or when he asks for it. I’d be much happier in the knowledge that if my child gets scared/distressed/sad when I’m not there, he can at least cuddle his muslin that is familiar to him, rather than let him scream his head off because the nursery staff think a comforter is somehow spoiling him.

My boy uses a dummy for sleeping and we’re gradually weaning him off it because of his teeth, and the nursery know to only let him have it for naps, but they also know that he is allowed it if he goes into meltdown mode. They’re still ever so small so I think do whatever works for you.

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