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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dd can have her Raffi whenever she wants

100 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/04/2018 09:53

Having a bit of a standoff with our (otherwise brilliant, she has also cared for 7yo ds since he was a baby) cm regarding 16mo dd and her Raffi (giraffe blankie comfort thingy). She's mentioned several times to me and to my dh this morning that she's having it too often and helps herself to it from her bag etc. The implication is that it's a bad habit we are instilling at home.

Our view is that she's a small child, little older than a baby, she doesn't suck her thumb, doesn't have a dummy, and it's her only means of comfort and doing her no harm at all to have it if she feels she wants/ needs it.

For context, she's had a nasty virus and chicken pox back to back very recently, has been more dependant than normal on her Raffi during this time and has only just gone back to cm after enjoying time at home with dh and me juggling work between us. She's not a clingy child but has been reluctant to leave us in the morning for the past couple of days.

At home she goes for long periods without Raffi (especially if he's not accessible) and has him when she gets tired or upset and asks for him. I could not care less at her age how often she has him and certainly am not going to turn it into a battle, which our cm seems to be doing.

We've said we're really not bothered by it, but our cm has taken against it for some reason and is trying to 'cut down' on it.

Dd is a very confident, feisty character and this is one unnecessary battle imo for no positive reason that is obvious to me. Aibu?

OP posts:

Dvg · 12/04/2018 10:26

The CM is NOT her mum so she cannot tell you that. Her ONLY job is too look after and protect your DD.

viques · 12/04/2018 10:27

@. Queenie's Flopsy's mutilated ear.

Ollivander84 · 12/04/2018 10:28

I'm 34 and have my childhood teddy!

AjasLipstick · 12/04/2018 10:29

BuildaBear Well I know! She's a baby. But a childminder who was very focused on education would only see "That child won't finger paint because of it's Raffi!"

That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying she shouldn;t have her toy.

LynetteScavo · 12/04/2018 10:29

At 16mo the CM is being completely unreasonable.

However, if your DD is doing something like finger painting it needs to be put away.

Ultimately it's the CMs job to realisecwhen it's appropriate or not, but as a parent I think you can insist your DD always has it for down time such as stories or if she becomes upset. Explain you don't want your DD to have it for ever, but now is not the right time to wean her off it.

She's still a baby.

Make sure it's clean though, and not totally grossing the CM out..

Bekabeech · 12/04/2018 10:31

I would be very firm with the CM. And probably explain that if your LO needs the Raffi more than usual then she must be feeling more insecure than normal!
The best way to instill confidence and reduce anxiety is to allow her to access the comfort item, and as confidence increases she should need it less.
And I have a 21 year old and a 19 year old who still have their comfort items - they rarely use them, maybe when they split with a boyfriend, but like to know where they are (and they sometimes turn up in the washing). Otherwise they are perfectly well adjusted young people.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 12/04/2018 10:32

Personally I agree that she should be allowed Raffi but I don't think that kids should go into an adult's handbag. People carry expensive phones, medication and other things that are unsuitable for a young child. Could it be the rummaging through her bag that's problem?

FirstTimeRound984 · 12/04/2018 10:33

yanbu at all, my DS is 2yo and has two teddy blankets that he puts in his bag for nursery every morning, he never gets them out but he likes to know that they are there in case he wants/needs them (usually if tired or upset) and I have no problem with that and nursery don't either & even if they did, i will still continue to let DS put them in his bag until he decides to stop.

Ploppymoodypants · 12/04/2018 10:33

I had this with a nursery. I felt they were absolutely interfering with a parental decision. Additionally what about if she was a thumb sucker. What is the child minder going to do, cut her thumb off? I think it’s utter madness and borderline damaging to deny a small child comfort, when they are away from their primary care giver.

It might be worth getting an extra one. My nursery tried saying they were worried it might get lost. And about hygiene. Until I pointed out that she had 5, all on rotation, and a clean one everyday bedtime. Also all the children had a coat rack so, we agreed that her comforter toy could sit and watch her play etc, unless she really needed it, in which case she could help herself. It worked a treat, and encouraged her to be independent without adding anxiety.

gussyfinknottle · 12/04/2018 10:45

I would change my child care arrangements. My dd struggled at school and in Year 1 the teacher agreed that dd could bring in a particular small teddy for comfort. Dd is now a very happy at school Y6 who doesn't need that comfort toy at school but tends to bring one out with her - it generally stays in the car or doescomical photo bombing when we go out on jaunts.
If a cm doesn't get that sometimes people need a touchstone to get them through, particularly children, they are no cm that I would use.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/04/2018 10:47

You say this CM has been with you since your DS was small - sounds like familiarity has bred a bit of contempt tbh.

It's sometimes hard to make the point that, years of communication aside, you're still the employer and the parent - but sounds like you need to.

Willow2017 · 12/04/2018 10:48

I think dummies and comforters are generally disapproved off in childcare.

Nope.
I have had a succession of kids over the years with comforters, dummies and whatever and never taken any of them away or denied them. If they are playing they get put down beside them/in a special place for them. Never seen them hinder a childs play. even the most anxious child who had one dummy in their mouth and one for each hand!
The main concern in nurseries is other kids taking them and upsetting the child or losing them when there are 30 other kids but in a cm setting it shouldnt be a huge problem.

OP just explain to your cm that your child can have this whenever she wants it. The cm will probably find that she will lessen the times she needs it as she recovers from her illnesses anyway. As long as you understand that a cm has to care for more than your child and if that child loses a comforter when out and about she hasnt got all day to hunt for it. (although we do try hard not to let this happen we cant keep eyes on it every second) Maybe agree (and explain to your child) that it stays at cm home when out or in the bottom of the buggy if she uses one ?

Talk to cm. Maybe the comforter is causing issues at mealtimes for example when other kids dont have comforters or getting in the way at the table? If there is an issue then talk through it with her, and your dd as to how to solve it. If there isnt an issue then there is no reason not to have it when she needs it.

frami · 12/04/2018 10:52

DS2 had a cuddly toy (won't put what it is too outing) that was his comforter. When he went to school the the toy couldn't go with him as it had to attend "toy School". This toy travelled all over the world and had to be restuffed on several occasions. DS still has it, sitting in the his bedroom. DS in his 20s, has own home, partner, successful career, etc
My advice: let your child keep her toy as long as she wants to.

MrsMozart · 12/04/2018 10:52

OP it's your decision, not the CM's.

Willow2017 · 12/04/2018 10:52

but I don't think that kids should go into an adult's handbag. People carry expensive phones, medication and other things that are unsuitable for a young child. Could it be the rummaging through her bag that's problem?

The kids will take a bag to cms with them with change of clothes, nappies, toys etc.
Why on earth would a childs blanket be in the cms handbag?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/04/2018 10:55

It may be that your dd is different with her Raffi at the CM's than she is at home? She feels less secure at the CM's so is very clingy to her blankie and literally won't do anything without it in her hand?
I mean, what exactly does the CM mean by cutting down? Not having it at meal times, out in the garden or during messy play seems logical.

She's just a baby though. You need to make it clear you don't want it continually removed from her and hidden. She relies on it for comfort and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to insist to CM that your child is allowed access to their comforter.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/04/2018 10:56

I'm 34 and have my childhood teddy

Still a baby then Ollivander! :).

I'm waaaaay older than you and I still sleep with my teddy mind you I don't have a cat.

Pengggwn · 12/04/2018 11:01

I'd just say, 'We understand your viewpoint and are happy to consider when, in the future, we might want to begin weaning her off Raffi, but for the time being, please allow her free access to him, unless it is inappropriate for the activity. Thank you!'

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/04/2018 11:01

LittleLion I'd tell her to fuck off! She's 16 months! DS2 still has Bear at 6.5. I carry him in my bag on the way to school, when I pick DS2 up, Bear and juice are the first things he asks for. He makes him feel secure.

Idontdowindows · 12/04/2018 11:02

she said it's essentially just become a dummy replacement and that's her objection

Good for her. Not her decision. She needs to follow your parenting decisions.

Was she like this with the older one too? Cause... massive overstepping of boundaries here.

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/04/2018 11:06

jaime sorry I probably didn't make it clear. Willow is right - dd retrieves Raffi from the bag I send her with, not the cm's handbag.

As for learning and development, no she doesn't have it (by her own choice) when she is playing. Cm is excellent with the dc and isn't solely focused on educational activities (she's usually very child led) although she does loads of fun activities with them which dd mostly joins in with and leaves Raffi alone while she does so. I think she's just been mooching around more lately because she's felt out of sorts. She absolutely has no problems developmentally or socially, which my cm readily agrees.

OP posts:

T2517 · 12/04/2018 11:06

Is it possible it could be causing issues with other children that she hasn’t mentioned? Snatching, grabbing etc. I think it’s okay to have a comforter but maybe she’s behaving differently with it than at home? It might be interfering with activities or she might be refusing to do stuff. Children act very differently in settings to at home

T2517 · 12/04/2018 11:07

Sorry missed the point that she’s been poorly lately - in that case it’s not strange that she wants her comfort toy more than normal!

windchimesabotage · 12/04/2018 11:09

YANBU your child is so young! And it should be up to you not the childminder. Its not school its childcare that you are paying for.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/04/2018 11:11

When do you wash Raffi? We have 2 Bears, so that one could be washed when DS2 was sleeping a lot in the early days. It also helps if one accidentally gets his hat dunked in the loo! 😷

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