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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd can have her Raffi whenever she wants

100 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/04/2018 09:53

Having a bit of a standoff with our (otherwise brilliant, she has also cared for 7yo ds since he was a baby) cm regarding 16mo dd and her Raffi (giraffe blankie comfort thingy). She's mentioned several times to me and to my dh this morning that she's having it too often and helps herself to it from her bag etc. The implication is that it's a bad habit we are instilling at home.

Our view is that she's a small child, little older than a baby, she doesn't suck her thumb, doesn't have a dummy, and it's her only means of comfort and doing her no harm at all to have it if she feels she wants/ needs it.

For context, she's had a nasty virus and chicken pox back to back very recently, has been more dependant than normal on her Raffi during this time and has only just gone back to cm after enjoying time at home with dh and me juggling work between us. She's not a clingy child but has been reluctant to leave us in the morning for the past couple of days.

At home she goes for long periods without Raffi (especially if he's not accessible) and has him when she gets tired or upset and asks for him. I could not care less at her age how often she has him and certainly am not going to turn it into a battle, which our cm seems to be doing.

We've said we're really not bothered by it, but our cm has taken against it for some reason and is trying to 'cut down' on it.

Dd is a very confident, feisty character and this is one unnecessary battle imo for no positive reason that is obvious to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 12/04/2018 11:11

My DS has a Raff! He's almost 3 and I have no intention of taking it away from him, he's had it since he was born. He never took a dummy or sacked his thumb etc but he's always had his Raff. It is now a nice shade of grey rather than the pale yellow it was when we got it (no matter how much I wash it!), it's had an arm sewn back on about five times and it's missing half an ear. DS loves it. He knows it stays in the bag when he's at nursery or out at soft play or the park or anything. Its just a teddy at the end of the day, I wouldn't see any gain from taking it away. Ignore your CM, it's your decision.

YoThePussy · 12/04/2018 11:12

I had my comfort blanket into my teenage years! Used to live under the pillow. I threw it away when it became too unhygienic to have near me.

IamEarthymama · 12/04/2018 11:14

I would think your cm is finding that another child wants it, it is getting lost under cushions etc, another child is hiding it from your little one
Why don't you ask her? Frame it positively, tell her what you said about how much you like her etc
Maybe there is a stress point around another child or your little one putting/throwing it down just before they all leave the house, cm not noticing and having to go back etc
I am not a fan of children taking precious things to childcare but I agree if Raffi is important you need to ask her why she feels as she does.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/04/2018 11:15

jaimelannisters I think the OP meant her DD's bag. Smile

MrsHathaway · 12/04/2018 11:18

DC1 has never been a particularly clingy child nor did he ever have a comforter at home. But every photo of him at nursery for at least the first few months has him with his "Mousie" wedged into his fat little baby hand even if the other hand is playing with blocks or painting or whatever. And he'll still make sure to have something with him now if he goes on a sleepover with a friend, or school residential - he's nearly 10.

Transitional objects are really important. Comparisons with a dummy are muddying the waters. I'd ask the CM to reconsider.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/04/2018 11:18

gussy I must introduce Bear to photobombing! Grin

AnoiaUnstickMyDrawers · 12/04/2018 11:18

What windows said. She can have whatever private opinion she likes, but she shouldn't be translating that to your child against your wishes. DD is the same age and sucks her thumb. If nursery took it upon themselves to stop her I would be very unhappy.

cansu · 12/04/2018 11:21

I cannot for the life of me think why a small child having a toy comforter should be an issue. She could have it all day long for me but I would probably buy a couple of spares just in case it gets lost. Your dd will drop it when she is ready. She is still a baby fgs. I would be v clear that you want her to have it whenever she wants. It really isn't her decision and she is massively over stepping, probably because she has been cm for so long she thinks she has the right to make these points - she doesn't though and I think you will probably need to be clear. As in 'I know that you don't like the comforter and would make a different choice with your own child, but we have decided she should have it whenever she wants. Please make sure that she can access it whenever'. This would underline the fact that she is a childminder and not a parent in this scenario.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 12/04/2018 11:23

Cm needs to wind her neck in. She’s your child, not hers, and she’s only little.

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 12/04/2018 11:24

Perfectly he gets washes whenever he's grubby. She actually has an array of 'favourites' which she is equally comforted by, it's just that Raffi is usually the one she has most frequent access to as we try to keep it in her bag ready to go to the cm so we don't leave it at home. She's taken others there occasionally and so when one gets washed, another makes an appearance. My ds was the same - he had 5 teddies he used interchangeably.

OP posts:
Alwayslumpyporridge · 12/04/2018 11:24

You are right, she is tiny and away from home, if she wants her Raffi let her have it. Only let her have one thing though and always keep a secret spare Raffi at home. We had the same with an Iggle Piggle toy, she grew out of it totally, don't even know where it is now.

I have used some holiday clubs with DD this Easter, on drop plenty of year R and year 1 have a toy/comforter of some kind in their bag, they are told to leave it safe in their bag but the comfort of having it there is allowed.

GeekyBlinders · 12/04/2018 11:30

DS is 3.5 and is devoted to his stuffed toy. He might ignore it if he's playing and he doesn't have it at nursery now (though he has it on the way there and back), but he loves it and needs it for comfort, and at 16 months had it all the time. Your CM is being weird.

LittleMysPonytail · 12/04/2018 11:31

No YANBU op. My parents childmind together. There are lots of things that parents should listen to CM about but your DD having a comforter isn’t one of them. And you wanting her to have it is absolutely fine.

Is your CM worried she will be the one who does have to ‘wean’ her off the toy? Because of all the CMs I know that is there biggest issue - when they have to be the ones to change a routine. It can have a huge impact on the entire setting. But as you don’t want to change that yet, I don’t see that that’s the issue.

All of my parents early years children are allowed to bring one thing with them and my parents now also buy one per new child so that if they forget theirs they still have something at the setting which is just for them. Bizarrely, it actually helped with sharing. I think it’s because they know the cat is X’s but they can all play with the cooker together for example.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/04/2018 11:34

That makes it so much better LittleLion! DS2's old enough now that we have a "Bear Swapping Day", when he puts one in the washing machine and fetches the clean one from our room. He was in the toy basket but DD and a friend took him out, so he stays in our room now.

Situp · 12/04/2018 11:36

YANBU.
Transitional objects are important to help children develop independence. DS is 8 and has a very manky stuffed animal which he has never slept without. It generally stays at home but if he is going somewhere new or stressful, he takes it with him.

DD is nearly 5 and takes her Raffi to KG every day and you couldn't meet a more confident, independent child.

They will give them up when they are ready.

curious86 · 12/04/2018 11:36

Remind your cm that you are the parent and her employer. At the end of the day you all want what's best for your DD but you have the final day

Situp · 12/04/2018 11:38

We also have the rule that DCs have to share everything with each other and with guests, except for their special stuffed animal. These, they never, ever have to share.

It has massively helped with sharing between themselves and in a wider context

Pilgit · 12/04/2018 11:42

It is a transition object that helps her move between environments in a calm and settled way. To remove it is just plain cruel. As is to wean her off until she is ready- when she will do it herself. Personally I would not be using any childcare that didn't understand the importance that a transition object can have in a small child's life. Not all children need them - both mine have. The elders teddy was a constant feature of her young life and nursery were brilliant with it. The younger has her Muslins. They are nothing to worry about and actually help the child be self reliant.

KanyeWesticle · 12/04/2018 11:53

I think you need to be firm with the CM that she should never restrict access to Raffi.

I also think you absolutely must get a few identical Raffi's in rotation while DD is small (and hopefully they are still on sale)

MrsJackHackett · 12/04/2018 11:58

My eldest shock horror is a teen boy who has cuddlies by his pillow organised before sleep, just like his one Uncle did and likely still does to a degree, another Uncle has a soother of sorts. (All are on ASDS) Youngest who hasn't got ASD doesn't seem to need the comfort.

So you're never too old.

I'm personally gutted that I lost my first teddy bear years back. By the time I'd realised it wasn't to be found, he had met his fate.

RideOn · 12/04/2018 12:01

I think you firmly need to say she can have Raffi whenever she wants. It's developmental thing and won't do a toddler harm to have a comfort toy!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_object

ohfourfoxache · 12/04/2018 12:04

I would be very unhappy if our cm did this

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 12/04/2018 12:06

Blimey. We lost one of our beloved dogs last weekend, we are all very sad. DD15 has had her Pooby (Pooh Bear) to cuddle in bed for comfort all week. Pretty sure it isn’t stunting her development.

Tanith · 12/04/2018 12:11

There are times when it’s necessary to restrict access, particularly in a childcare environment where there are other children to consider.

I won’t allow toys at mealtimes and that has initially caused the inevitable tantrum in the child who won’t be parted from theirs.

It’s a hygiene issue - and if you’d seen some of the vile, mould-covered (through chewing), stinking cuddly toys that are brought in, you’d be banning them from the table, too!

Completely removing a cuddly toy from a young child is something I’d never do: transition objects are important.
I do think you need a chat with the childminder to see exactly what is happening.

Don’t go in with a “my child, my rules” attitude, though. It’s her house and she’s looking after more than one child - it’s her rules based on what works best for everyone.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2018 12:14

My Gds is 21 months and his very good nursery has no,problem with him talking his beloved cuddly toy in with him, or having access to it when ever he feels the need.
Nor did they with Gdd when she was younger and still felt the need.

This sort of decision is IMO firmly down to parents, not a CM, who may have old fashioned views on 'discipline'. And personally I think it verging on cruelty to deny a baby or very small child something that gives them comfort.
They all give them up eventually, at least in public/out of the house. One of my dds was still using her blanky - at home, in private - until she was 6. It did no harm whatsoever.