To think dd can have her Raffi whenever she wants

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Having a bit of a standoff with our (otherwise brilliant, she has also cared for 7yo ds since he was a baby) cm regarding 16mo dd and her Raffi (giraffe blankie comfort thingy). She's mentioned several times to me and to my dh this morning that she's having it too often and helps herself to it from her bag etc. The implication is that it's a bad habit we are instilling at home.

Our view is that she's a small child, little older than a baby, she doesn't suck her thumb, doesn't have a dummy, and it's her only means of comfort and doing her no harm at all to have it if she feels she wants/ needs it.

For context, she's had a nasty virus and chicken pox back to back very recently, has been more dependant than normal on her Raffi during this time and has only just gone back to cm after enjoying time at home with dh and me juggling work between us. She's not a clingy child but has been reluctant to leave us in the morning for the past couple of days.

At home she goes for long periods without Raffi (especially if he's not accessible) and has him when she gets tired or upset and asks for him. I could not care less at her age how often she has him and certainly am not going to turn it into a battle, which our cm seems to be doing.

We've said we're really not bothered by it, but our cm has taken against it for some reason and is trying to 'cut down' on it.

Dd is a very confident, feisty character and this is one unnecessary battle imo for no positive reason that is obvious to me. Aibu?

I still have my childhood comfort blanket on my wardrobe and I'm 35. I don't Sleep with it anymore but it's nice to know it's there still.

(Ok, when I was really poorly with bronchitis I may have got it out for a cuddle )

Tell he CM to back off a bit

So your toddler has a toy she likes? I would really have to try hard to find something wrong with that! I thought the problem with dummies as they get older is getting in the way of teeth and speech. How is a toy any problem?

I honestly don’t see the problem your cm has. I get that you can’t take your special toy everywhere forever, but 16 months?

I would just say that you've thought about what she said and you still want your dd to have unlimited access to it. Ask if that's a problem. If she continues to say yes I'd consider changing cm.

Slightly off topic but buy two or three spare Raffis when you still can and hide them in a drawer to use when she wears them out /loses them.

My 18 year old travels up and down to Uni in London regularly with equivalent of Raffi in bag.

Doesn't sound fabulous cm to me...far from it...if she can't follow a simple instruction from the parents to let her have it whenever,then what else does she think she knows better than you then?... so when you decide to potty train she says no? When you decide to drop daytime nap she says no? Your paying for a service,you dictate the terms as you pay the money...plus she is 16 months old for crying out loud ,what is wrong with the woman???!

I completely agree @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER. I don’t think a 6 year old having a favourite bear or whatever in bed at all unusual. I’m certain a bunch came with my class on our yr 6 residential 20+ years ago.

I also think it’s cruel to take it away, but that’s not to say the cm is going to be anything but lovely in other ways. People get bees in their bonnets about things, I guess. But I would tell her that Raffy is for whenever dd wants it.

Tanith

Oh yes i had a few of those too😀 plus plastic water/juice cups and 'straw' bottles that were black with mould as they were never taken apart to wash properly😝 (they were not used!)

The key to good patent/cm relations is always communication. Dont go in all fired up. Find out the actual problem and work together to find a solution. If there is no actual problem with your expectations in the setting then you make it clear what you want to happen. If cm is not willing to do this with no good reason then find one who will. Most of us are very accomodating and bend over backwards to help parents and kids.😁

Completely removing a cuddly toy from a young child is something I’d never do: transition objects are important.
I do think you need a chat with the childminder to see exactly what is happening

I think you're right, I need to understand exactly what the issue is and do understand that in certain situations it's not appropriate for her to have Raffi.

I have said to the cm that it's a no at meal times at home for this reason and of course it's also inappropriate for messy or outdoors play, I totally understand and agree with that.

But it seems she objects to her having it available throughout the day even when not in those situations. She's not refusing to let her have it, so is not being totally unreasonable (dd is very wilful so she'd be inviting a total meltdown if she did), but she is trying to wean her off it by giving her distractions etc (which of course dd is resisting with all of her tiny might). She freely lets her have it at naptime or when she begins getting tired and wants a cuddle. I've said there's no need to restrict access in normal circumstances and she's still little and using it for comfort. But she keeps returning to the subject, so there must be something I'm missing.

I'm not the type to go in all guns blazing about her being our child, our rules, and we've always worked together to ensure consistency to manage behaviour and development in our eldest etc. But on this our opinion clearly differs, which is quite unexpected!

I'm in my 30s and I took a transitional object into hospital with me when I was alone and seriously ill - they let me take it down to the operating theatre with me and when I woke up in recovery, it was waiting for me with an identical bandage

Difference between a cm and a professional nursery environment tbh. Will have plenty of these battles left to come. Tbh I would start looking at nurseries.

We had this issue. I looked into it and pretty much all the advice by the experts was NEVER interfere with a child’s relationship with their comfort object. Don’t try to wean them off. Don’t confiscate it. Just let them carry on.

Glug both dc would find that very unsettling and my eldest would be inconsolable, since she's been a constant figure in his life since 9mo. We even chose a school for ds in the village despite living 10 miles away so that they could continue to go to her. I am otherwise very happy with our choice of cm.

Glug44
Cm's are professional thank you. We have to do the same training as nursery workers, follow regulations, safeguarding, first aid, food hygiene, health and safety, do extra training in our own unpaid time, etc etc.
We are registeted and inspected.

Dont confuse cm's with your 15 yr old babysitter please.

There is no inclination that op will have more 'battles to come' she has been happy with her cm for years. I am sure she can talk through this issue without having to leave her setting.

There is no inclination that op will have more 'battles to come' she has been happy with her cm for years. I am sure she can talk through this issue without having to leave her setting.

Absolutely this Willow. Happy with our choice, she works very hard, is totally reliable and flexible - and much loved by both dc.

I think it is your choice, and i see no harm in it whatsoever (in fact I see harm in stopping your child having access to her blankie)
next time the CM brings it up, i would just say ' I hear what you are saying but i'm afraid we'll have to agree to disagree on this one, I want her to have access to her blankie whenever she needs it, and I feel it is important that she does'

I think a reinforcement of the fact that you are her employer is needed, she deosn't get to make those kind of choices for your child. It isn't a behavioural problem that is hurting other children or anything like that, so it isn't a problem at all.

She's only a baby for goodness sake, of course she should be allowed to have Raffi whenever she wants. My daughter had Flopsy and Mopsy who went everywhere with us, they even went swimming when we went on holiday. She eventually grew out of them, I still have (a very tatty) one in my drawer.

Both of my girls had blankies that they took absolutely everywhere. The only time I insisted that blankie couldn't be had was at any activity where there was running about or similar *such as at dance class, soft play, in the park) in case the blankie was a trip hazard to my child or others.
When they started school, blankie stayed at home on their bed, but I remember both of them would run to get it when they got in from school for a cuddle when in Reception, then this eventually became just sleeping with blankie and eventually the blankies were put away in a cupboard as they grew up. They are 13 and 18 now and haven't been hindered by dragging blankie round with them in their younger years (both were thumb suckers and they out grew this too) nor did it interfere with play and often the blankie became part of the game such as pretend picnic blanket or a cover for a doll, or even a tent. Your little one is only 16 months and the childminder should be listening to you with regard to your child. I would recommend trying to get a couple of spare 'Raffis' though if you don't already - invaluable if the toy is dropped / lost / vomited on by your child! Both of mine had about 3-4 identical blankies that would get washed rotated and washed.

shes 16mths not 6

dd just a year has bunny, a small pink comforter

we have prob 20 of them,they get rotated so all get washed and used

bunny is usually at sleep time but at home if tired/under weather she has him

just say to cm that you are happy with dd having raffi,esp as been poorly

I agree a chat with CM is in order and be quite assertive in what you think is best for your child in regards to her comforter.

I suppose it's good that your CM is open with you about her approach. That's a sign that she wants to be on the same page as you and keep you informed.
That said, there's a danger here that the CM wants you to be on her page and follow her lead on this. That dynamic seems odd. Get to the bottom of her reasoning and challenge her if you disagree.

It would be rash and unsettling I think to change your CM over this one issue. I wouldn't tell her to Fuck Off as a pp suggests!
If your dd isn't expressing reluctance to go to the CM and appears happy in her care then I would think it could be resolved.

The CM is probably under the assumption that she is helping your dd break a bad habit. She's not doing this maliciously. However I think her intentions are misguided.

Would something like a shelf work better?

DD is 2.9 but at her Nursery they have a child level shelf/table. In the morning each child puts their comforter/teddy/blanket on their picture and they can have it whenever they want but it's not allowed to leave the shelf unless it's naptime or hometime. I've asked DD be allowed hers if she gets upset or falls etc which the staff were also happy with. DDs elephant sits on there and staff say she looks at him and sometimes speaks to him/waves at him and might go for a quick cuddle but only has him really for naptime. I think it's a great idea, children have access to and can see their comforters at all times but the Nursery staff aren't worried about losing it. We've only lost her elephant once and that was my fault because I forgot to ask for him on our way out the door.

They do it even with the very small children, but obviously they have different rules so the babies are allowed it during down time such as stories too. Could that work?

My 20 year old dgs took ‘blankie’ to University where it lives under his t shirts. It was once a cotton cellular blanket with a satin edge...

So your choices are
Talk to the childminder and tell her to follow your lead no matter how she feels about it.

Say nothing and let you child suffer.

Well I think I know what I’d do. What’s stopping you sitting this?

16 months! What planet is she on? My DS was 3 when he stopped dragging his blanket everywhere. They are little for such a short time, why do some people insist on rushing everything?

Very surprised at this CM. I am a CM and more often than not these comforters make my job easier, as a child is more relaxed and goes down for naps happily.

I often find that some parents want me to be the baddy and wean the children off comforters and dummies. The turn up at the door with said item, the parent then removes it and then on collection return it to the child. This makes the child upset and confused but as long as the parent has peace. Quite often the same with potty training.

It works best for the child when the parents and CM work together and are consistent. You have to insist on this matter for now and tell her you and she can review this when she is older.

Is she actually saying she's having it too often? Or is she just mentioning that she's having it lots more than usual so you know it's a change in her behaviour? It can be so hard to work out what to tell parents and what to not bother mentioning and also hard to speak properly at pick up! Maybe email her asking for clarification and stating clearly that it isn't a problem for you and she doesn't need to restrict her having it at all.