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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to just end this friendship?

86 replies

Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:35

Been best friends for 16 years and now we are both 32.
Both have 1 child each.
She met a man 6 years ago and changed totally.
He is so controlling
I never see her anymore even tho she lives 10 mins away.
She works 3 days a week and has 4 off.
Here’s the thing ...
We used to meet every Thursday until her BF took Thursdays off so she told me she couldn’t meet me as she wasn’t able to leave him.
We changed it to fridays and surprise surprise he changed his hours so we couldn’t meet.
She text me a month ago saying “he is meeting a friend so I have 2 hours spare,meet in town?”
I excitedly said yes and rushed to town and waited and waited ...she text “sorry can’t make it,his friends have cancelled so can’t leave him,I’m heading into town with him”
It’s her birthday next week ...
I text saying “As a birthday gift shall we go for a spa morning and lunch? My gift to you”
She replied saying “I can’t sorry (boyfriend ) has not many days off and the few he has I will be spending with him,can probably manage a 10 min quick Coffee?”
10 mins ?
I officially have give up.
Would you bother?
If he is off work she has to be with him.
Am I wrong in thinking it’s pathetic?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:40

Forgot to add that she never goes anywhere except with him or her sister.
She has no nights out with friends etc.

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 11/04/2018 15:40

Yes, it is pathetic. Sorry I know it feels shit. Hopefully she leaves him.

MrsMozart · 11/04/2018 15:41

Sounds like she needs you now more than ever...

snewsname · 11/04/2018 15:42

Is she happy about the situation or does she appear upset by it? What would happen if she did put you first?

I know people in both situations. My response would depend on which one it is.

FanofFung · 11/04/2018 15:42

Please please don't give up on her. She's no purposely blowing you off. She's being emotionally and mentally manipulated and she's finding herself in an impossible situation. She wants and needs your friendship otherwise it's just him, slowly breaking her.

If all she can manage right now is 10 minutes then give her the 10 minutes. You're possibly the only light in the tunnel right now. I know it's frustrating but she needs you.

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:43

She 100% loves him and can’t see how messed up the situation is.
He could commit murder and she would stick up for him.

OP posts:
VestaSheridan · 11/04/2018 15:43

So she's in an abusive relationship and you want to drop her because she's "pathetic"?

Yes, you should end it. For HER good.

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:44

She’s happy with it I think.
Well she must be or she would change it.
I’ve said to her many times that it’s a odd situation and she just says “I feel bad leaving him”
As if he was a child.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 11/04/2018 15:45

Do u worry he might be abusive? If she never goes without him is that because he won't let her? Do you have any way you could contact her when she is at work instead of by text?

OR say yes to the quick coffee and ask her there if everything is ok and tell her your concerns.

polarb · 11/04/2018 15:45

Could you and your partner meet up with her and her partner?
Not ideal but could be a way of seeing her.

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:45

They went to London a few weeks ago and she said
“It wasn’t bad he let me look in 1 shop”

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:46

I don’t think he is physically abusive.
Mind games ...totally.
Crying if she went out without him etc

OP posts:
VestaSheridan · 11/04/2018 15:46

She’s happy with it I think....Well she must be or she would change it

Yes, because that's how it works. Hmm

GreenEyedGoose · 11/04/2018 15:46

Do we knowledge dp is insisting she stay with him or is it she wants to before it's declared she's in an abusive relationship and the OP should put up with a shit friend!

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:47

I meant surely you would say I’m meeting a friend,il be back later.

OP posts:
GreenEyedGoose · 11/04/2018 15:47

Know not knowledge fecking predictive text Hmm

IAmWonkoTheSane · 11/04/2018 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letsdolunch321 · 11/04/2018 15:47

Poor woman, she is in a controlling relationship which she thinks is the normal.

Until she realises the control this man has over her nothing will change.

Been there, glad I saw the light not everyone does sadly

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:47

She wants to be with him,she says couldn’t imagine life without him etc.
Always posting loved up pics etc

OP posts:
polarb · 11/04/2018 15:48

He sounds vile but by trying at least your friend knows you are always there for her.
She 'can't imagine life without him because he wouldn't allow her to imagine one without him.

FlapAttack23 · 11/04/2018 15:48

What Vesta said

Whitegrenache · 11/04/2018 15:48

She needs you more than ever.
Although i can imagine it's very frustrating and painful for you x

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:49

I should add he is always out after work (he’s a bar man )
Went to Spain on holiday and she still didn’t meet me,spent the whole time cleaning the house etc.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 11/04/2018 15:50

Hi OP
I think she is being completely controlled by this man who is not allowing her any outside contact.
Imho she desperately needs a friend right now and you are the closest she has.
It is very possible(likely)that he controlling her phone,clothing,food,money,time.
In your position is try to find out what is going on but bear in mind she may not be able to talk freely.
Please don't walk away until you know she wants to stay with him,if she does and is happy,there is nothing you can do but walk away but don't end on a bad note as she may need you in the future.
Have you spoken to her family to see if they are concerned?

KarmaStar · 11/04/2018 15:51

In your position i"d !not is

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