Aibu to just end this friendship?

[Kellypinko234]

Been best friends for 16 years and now we are both 32.
Both have 1 child each.
She met a man 6 years ago and changed totally.
He is so controlling
I never see her anymore even tho she lives 10 mins away.
She works 3 days a week and has 4 off.
Here’s the thing ...
We used to meet every Thursday until her BF took Thursdays off so she told me she couldn’t meet me as she wasn’t able to leave him.
We changed it to fridays and surprise surprise he changed his hours so we couldn’t meet.
She text me a month ago saying “he is meeting a friend so I have 2 hours spare,meet in town?”
I excitedly said yes and rushed to town and waited and waited ...she text “sorry can’t make it,his friends have cancelled so can’t leave him,I’m heading into town with him”
It’s her birthday next week ...
I text saying “As a birthday gift shall we go for a spa morning and lunch? My gift to you”
She replied saying “I can’t sorry (boyfriend ) has not many days off and the few he has I will be spending with him,can probably manage a 10 min quick Coffee?”
10 mins ?
I officially have give up.
Would you bother?
If he is off work she has to be with him.
Am I wrong in thinking it’s pathetic?

I would meet up with her for the ten mins and say something along the lines of;
I'm going to say something I don't think you are going to want to hear, but at this point you need to hear this. I hope I have got it wrong but from what you have said it seems that your bf is controlling and potentially emotionally abusive. I do not want to cause you any further problems so I am not going to carry on trying to make arrangements with you. However I am here whenever you want to talk about this and when you want to do something about it, be that today, next week, next year, next decade; just turn up and i will help you. It is ok to admit things aren't right if they aren't. You are my friend and I love you.'
If I knew her mum or sister at all i might separately go to see them and say that i am concerned and what I had said.
I think quite often people don't want to admit there is a problem.

He sounds abusive . Shelf her for now and don’t expect much but stay in contact as when she realises she will need you

Claires approach sounds good.

You’ve been best friends for 16 years, but

I’m not sure if I knocked on her door what she would do

Do you never go to each other houses at all?

I really don't think you should go round to the house, as it may lead to worse after you've gone.
Meeting for 10 mins is excellent so she knows you're here for her. My best friend was also in this situation, I can understand how draining it is but just let her know you'll always be there even if she doesn't think she needs it now.

Basically, you need to treat this like a hostage situation. He's kidnapped her, you need to kidnap her back. Firstly, you need to establish a communication channel with her that he can't access.

You probably won't get that 10 minute coffee-shop meetup once he founds out about it, but if you do, find out her work e-mail address. Or something that he can't get to.

It's a very similar process to how they 'de-program' cult members when they're returned to society. Should be an interesting challenge!

But no, for God's sake, don't dump her. She needs you now more than ever - she just doesn't realise it yet.

I don't know how you can say you don't think he's physically abusive, when you don't see her. She's unlikely to admit to it because it's very embarrassing.
The fact that when he was in Spain, she never went out, makes me think that there was the threat of violence if she did, and he would have made her believe that it would get back to him.

Please read up about abusive relationships, and always be there for her.

She may be so anxious now , about leaving the house that it's easier to let you down. When I was in a dv rship , my ex ground me down so much to the point where I rarely left the house apart from taking kids to school . I had no confidence on my own . My best friend was like your friend until recently . We hadn't seen each other for a year as everytime I arranged to meet her she would cancel and she admits because she felt like rubbish , didn't have much money and because I hated her now ex it was easier for her not to meet me .

There could be many reasons why she doesn't want to see you , being in a dv rship absolutely drains the life out of you. You walk on egg shells constantly . And like a pp said when he was in Spain I suspect she didn't meet you just incase it got back to him ...
It's easier for her to let you down , than it is for her to stand up to him . She doesn't mean it and I think you need to explain to her that you will always be there for her if she ever needs you !

Perhaps look at Women's Aid and they can help you support her maybe even if she doesn't think she needs it.

Being in a dv rship is a lonely life. It changes you completely and strips you of your own identity . I did the DV course with women's aid and it opened my eyes to the extent some people will go to to control others .

She is the victim , remember that . You need to have patience and understanding . Give her 10 mins , once she's there she may relax enough to stay longer.

Show up at her door on her birthday with balloons and stuff, if you have a dp he should go with you, since your friends boyfriend is intimidated by men.

Do you know her sister? Could you talk this over with her?

I'd give up on trying to meet up with her bit I'd leave lines of contact open so she knows you're there if she needs you. Maybe just message her even once a week to say hi and a quick chat.

It sounds like she needs you to see how crap this is.

Agree with KarmaStar and others.

"I think she is being completely controlled by this man who is not allowing her any outside contact.
Imho she desperately needs a friend right now and you are the closest she has.
It is very possible(likely)that he controlling her phone,clothing,food,money,time.
In your position is try to find out what is going on but bear in mind she may not be able to talk freely."

Can you chat by email/phone whatever? Safely.

Don't be angry with her, he is the problem.