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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to just end this friendship?

86 replies

Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:35

Been best friends for 16 years and now we are both 32.
Both have 1 child each.
She met a man 6 years ago and changed totally.
He is so controlling
I never see her anymore even tho she lives 10 mins away.
She works 3 days a week and has 4 off.
Here’s the thing ...
We used to meet every Thursday until her BF took Thursdays off so she told me she couldn’t meet me as she wasn’t able to leave him.
We changed it to fridays and surprise surprise he changed his hours so we couldn’t meet.
She text me a month ago saying “he is meeting a friend so I have 2 hours spare,meet in town?”
I excitedly said yes and rushed to town and waited and waited ...she text “sorry can’t make it,his friends have cancelled so can’t leave him,I’m heading into town with him”
It’s her birthday next week ...
I text saying “As a birthday gift shall we go for a spa morning and lunch? My gift to you”
She replied saying “I can’t sorry (boyfriend ) has not many days off and the few he has I will be spending with him,can probably manage a 10 min quick Coffee?”
10 mins ?
I officially have give up.
Would you bother?
If he is off work she has to be with him.
Am I wrong in thinking it’s pathetic?

OP posts:
himynameiss · 11/04/2018 15:52

The alarm bells are ringing. He’s a psychopath.

expatinscotland · 11/04/2018 15:52

I'd just stop trying to meet up. She knows where to find you.

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:54

I won’t ask again.
I think he is controlling to a point but not as extreme as controlling every move.
She’s had days out with her sister/shopping with mum...so if she can do that,she could meet up with me.

OP posts:
therockinggazelle · 11/04/2018 15:56

Id leave her to it. She's obviously happy with the situation even though he's very clearly isolating her. It will only hurt you to keep being rejected. Walk away

crisscrosscranky · 11/04/2018 16:01

I would just stop contacting her- if that ends the friendship so be it but at least she can still reach out if she wants to.

I've had a friend in a similar relationship, although she'd have moments of rebellion then go back to being a doormat, and the friendship was emotionally draining. We haven't spoken for a couple of years but I know from mutual friends things haven't changed and I'm glad not to be a part of it.

CurlsandCurves · 11/04/2018 16:03

Her sister and mum are probably people he approves of her going out with. Or he’s allowing that to happen because to isolate her from them would set too many alarm bells with the people who care about her. It’s just enough freedom to appear normal.

I went through similar with a friend a few years ago. We weeent as close as you guys but I’d known her for a good while and she gradually cut back on her contact. We got back in touch a few years later after she had divorced him, turns out he had been very controlling and done a good enough job on her that she didn’t see it at the time.

Leave the door open for her, and let her know that. She might need you.

SShaming · 11/04/2018 16:04

He is doing the classic controlling thing by isolating her.

If you care about your friend at all, you should let her know that you’re always on the other end of the phone should she ever need you and never to hesitate ringing you.

Huntinginthedark · 11/04/2018 16:06

I would send holding out a hand every now and again, at some point she will see the light

RoseWhiteTips · 11/04/2018 16:07

It sounds as if she is living with a controlling vermin. Support her.

TheJoyOfSox · 11/04/2018 16:07

That’s just what he wants for her. Please don’t play into his hands and leave her with nobody in her life.
Once he has isolated her, then he can begin to undermine her confidence and tell her “you’re useless, that’s why you have no friends”

Could you visit her when he is out in the evening?

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 16:09

I know I say shall I end it?
I wouldn’t,I love her.
She’s my best friend.
It just aggravates me because she deserves a life.
He is making her have panic attacks.

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 11/04/2018 16:09

It's not pathetic, it's actually quite sad as by the sound of it she's in an abusive relationship.

You sound fairly naive yourself OP, if you really think she's happy with her current situation.

snewsname · 11/04/2018 16:10

If she's had the chance to see you eg - he was in spai , and she hasn't bothered then I'd quietly let it drop. It sounds as if she's happy to do it, even though we know it's not actually healthy.

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 16:10

I’ve suggested that and she agrees and says il let you know a date.
She never does.
I’ve said let’s take our kids to soft play but she doesn’t tell me and goes alone.

OP posts:
PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 11/04/2018 16:10

Emphatically tell her you are here for her whenever she needs you in the future and then pull right back. You cannot change things for her, hopefully she will see the light.

TheOrigBrave · 11/04/2018 16:11

I now know that many of my friends and family knew I was in an abusive marriage, but I fobbed them off time and time again.

My MH nurse has asked me whether I would intervene if I knew one of my friends of a family member was going through similar, and I absolutely would.

Please be there for your friend. Don't make her life harder by forcing yourself upon her, but please keep in regular contact and tell her that you believe she is being controlled. She may not want to admit it (one of the ways of coping) but in time I really hope she has the strength to take control back. She will need her friends then.

Cuisant · 11/04/2018 16:12

She's your friend and so clearly in an abusive relationship.

See her for 10 mins.

Tell her.

snewsname · 11/04/2018 16:13

I'd have one large go for it, conversation first. Tell her exactly how unhealthy it is and how you'd love to see her but you need more from her as you are losing patience with never seeing her. Make it clear that you will be there for her if and when she realises she needs your help but at the moment you have to withdraw as she doesn't recognise the unhealthiness of what she is enabling him to do.

Dozer · 11/04/2018 16:15

He may allow her to do things with family but not friends. Don’t assume you can tell from the outside how bad the abuse is.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 11/04/2018 16:16

I think you really need to try to get through to her about how not okay his behaviour is. If he isn’t physically abusive now, he will be.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 11/04/2018 16:17

She’s happy with it I think.
Well she must be or she would change it

I can't even begin to say how much that isn't true in the case of domestic abuse. You can be desperately unhappy but believe that you don't deserve better, or be utterly hopeless about things ever changing, or be trying to be in denial about just how bad things are. The abuser can easily make the abused think that they're useless, they'd never cope alone etc, and never mind how they can turn on the charm and romance when they think they might have gone too far - just enough for the victim to think there's a wonderful relationship worth saving underneath all the crap.

She might not meet up when you think she can but an abuser doesn't have to physically there to abuse and control, that's already achieved in the abused person's mind. For all you know he might have banned her/guilt tripped her into not seeing her friends and she doesn't dare meet up in case it gets back to him. He might have issued an ultimatum about house cleaning to make sure she's 'too busy' to go out, and she doesn't dare not get the house sparkling before his return. That's how abusers work. I'd put folding money on what you know and have seen - the crying, the being 'allowed' into one single, solitary shop - being just the tip of the iceberg.

She sounds like she needs a friend now more than ever.

Troels · 11/04/2018 16:17

Your poor friend. He's isolating her, first get rid of the friends then move on to getting her to not see her family either. Don't let him get rid of you.

DragonMummy1418 · 11/04/2018 16:18

On the face of it, you don't know if it's him or her.
She might not trust him to be alone when he's not working.
You can't just label him controlling if you don't see what's happening.

Just say your there for her when she needs and stop trying as hard, eventually something will give.

yawning801 · 11/04/2018 16:18

Meet her for those ten minutes and try and make her see the light. It's risky, but when she does realise she will thank you for it.

Time40 · 11/04/2018 16:20

She’s had days out with her sister/shopping with mum...so if she can do that,she could meet up with me

Probably because it's a lot harder to cut her off from her family than it is to cut her off from her friends. He's abusive. Your friend needs you. Please keep in contact with her.

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