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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to just end this friendship?

86 replies

Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 15:35

Been best friends for 16 years and now we are both 32.
Both have 1 child each.
She met a man 6 years ago and changed totally.
He is so controlling
I never see her anymore even tho she lives 10 mins away.
She works 3 days a week and has 4 off.
Here’s the thing ...
We used to meet every Thursday until her BF took Thursdays off so she told me she couldn’t meet me as she wasn’t able to leave him.
We changed it to fridays and surprise surprise he changed his hours so we couldn’t meet.
She text me a month ago saying “he is meeting a friend so I have 2 hours spare,meet in town?”
I excitedly said yes and rushed to town and waited and waited ...she text “sorry can’t make it,his friends have cancelled so can’t leave him,I’m heading into town with him”
It’s her birthday next week ...
I text saying “As a birthday gift shall we go for a spa morning and lunch? My gift to you”
She replied saying “I can’t sorry (boyfriend ) has not many days off and the few he has I will be spending with him,can probably manage a 10 min quick Coffee?”
10 mins ?
I officially have give up.
Would you bother?
If he is off work she has to be with him.
Am I wrong in thinking it’s pathetic?

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 11/04/2018 16:22

She’s happy with it I think.......Well she must be or she would change it

This is a simplistic approach. If she's a victim of domestic abuse, then this is so not the case at all

I think you should try to support your friend from a distance & keep in touch with her, on whatever terms she can handle. Eventually, she may need your help to escape this relationship

Coyoacan · 11/04/2018 16:22

At first it seems like love when they kick up a stink about you seeing any of your friends, then little by little you end up isolated and the only adult human contact you have is your abuser. So you put up with the abuse, because otherwise you will have no one and anyway you've lost sight of normal.

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 16:24

There’s something coming up soon that could mean him disappearing for a little while...I can’t help but pray it happens.
Whether or not she would be different I don’t know.
I’ve text her agreeing to the coffee and said is next Friday ok?
She replied il check that (boyfriend ) is at work then.

OP posts:
LML83 · 11/04/2018 16:30

checking he is at work, being allowed to look in one shop, no longer keen to socialise are all alarm bells to me.

You are doing the right thing seeing her for 10 mins as thats all she can manage. Let her know you are always there for her after that there probably isn't much you can do. Try not to feel offended or upset at her. The language isn't I am so happy I can't bear to be with away from him, it's about being allowed or keeping him happy.

It's hard for you and you miss your friend, hopefully she will sort things out soon.

diddl · 11/04/2018 16:33

"At first it seems like love when they kick up a stink about you seeing any of your friends, "

How so though?

It's one thing to whine & wheedle & say how much they'll miss you-but would that stop most women seeing friends?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2018 16:38

Poor woman. When you said she meets with family, my first thought was that he lets her meet them but for how much longer? You sound so sad about the situation. I’m sure it’s hurtful that she doesn’t contact you to go to soft play, it really does appear that she’s “not allowed”. I agree with others that your door should always stay open. I’m glad you’ve decided to meet for a coffee.

Piffle11 · 11/04/2018 16:43

I was in a relationship like this for 5 years: I wasn't happy, I did what I had to do in order to keep him calm and therefore off my case. I was in so deep I couldn't see a way out. I'm not saying she's in the situation I was - without knowing her I don't know if she is genuinely ok with everything or just saying what she has to in order to stop people questioning her actions. My ex would go to his friends every Thursday - he would take my mobile so I couldn't ring or receive calls: he would dial 1471 on landline when he returned to see if I had had a call and he would go through the itemised phone bill with a fine tooth comb. He wasn't physically abusive - at first - but after 5 years he started to push me - he was very clear about the fact that he wasn't 'hitting me' ... at that point I realised the physical abuse may be about to start. He once told me about an ex of his who had disappeared during the night: I realised later that she had to do that in order to get away. I had to do something similar. I pushed my friends away because that's what he wanted and it was easier to give in than have all the aggro for hours on end. Yes what she's doing is not right, but I don't think she has a choice. I was lucky: a friend of mine stayed on the sidelines and was there for me when I finally broke clear.

Coyoacan · 11/04/2018 16:50

It's one thing to whine & wheedle & say how much they'll miss you-but would that stop most women seeing friends?

You have obviously never been in this situation. Abusers use all kinds of different techniques to isolate their victims, mine used this one. My meet ups with friends were generally casual, so I wasn't cancelling established dates or anything. I was all loved up too so I didn't think anything of it. Then a few months later I wanted to visit a casual friend for a coffee and he created such a scene that I was much too upset to see my friend. Then he started to invent things that my friends had supposedly said about me. Fortunately I got out of that relationship before it took a serious toll on my wellbeing.

My dd had an abusive bf who used a different technique. He would point out her friends' failings, over and over again.

WorkingBling · 11/04/2018 16:57

I understand your frustration but if she's your best friend you need t make sure she understands you're there for her. This screams manipulation to me and I think he is trying to isolate her.

I watched something similar start to happen with a family member. And in the beginning, he did try to distance her from us. But, like so many of these men, he instinctively knows how far he can push and he realised that pushing her family away wouldn't work, so he backed off. But it makes me sad to see how little she sees or speaks to friends any more unless it's with him.

Blueemeraldagain · 11/04/2018 17:04

What would happen if you knocked on her door for a cup of coffee?

flyingplum · 11/04/2018 17:10

A friend of mine was in a relationship like this - a little more extreme possibly, but it's hard to judge. Anyone who was critical of him, or who she went to for support when things got difficult, got put on the 'banned' list. I lasted for a while, but eventually i got banned. She was apologetic, and said it 'wouldn't be for long'. eventually, it was about 6 months, to a year. i made it clear that I wasn't judging, and when she needed me, I'd be there. the most important advice i was given by another friend who supports abused women professionally, was to make sure that I didn't join in too much in criticising him, because otherwise when she went back to him, she would feel that she had disappointed me, and would cut me out herself out of embarrassment, just when she needed the support.

It was hard being her friend through that time - both because there was a lot of rearranging, but also because it was emotionally difficult, and I wasn't even the primary supporter for the first year or so of all this going on. It's hard. But she needs a friend, OP, even if you feel that isn't the case. She needs to know that, when she gets the confidence to be defiant, that she will have some support. Otherwise, she will feel on her own and trapped, even when she does see the light.

Original poster
Kellypinko234 · 11/04/2018 17:28

I honestly think if she doesn’t see this is messed up after all these years she never will.
I’m not sure if I knocked on her door what she would do.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/04/2018 17:34

No I am very fortunate to have not been in that situation.

What I mean is that I can understand that for a few weeks someone might put friends/hobbies on the back burner, but if they then start to "branch out" again & the abuser escalates/shows true colours, you would hope that in that short time they are not so enmeshed that they can't/don't want to get away.

blackteasplease · 11/04/2018 17:34

I agree with those who say she needs you now more than ever! Please be available to her if she needs you.

Jordan4531 · 11/04/2018 17:37

Just because her social media is full of loved up pics doesn't mean she thinks her relationship is perfect. She may say she can't see life without him but they might be because her self esteem is so low she can't imagine being with anyone else. Personally I think you sound very uneducated about emotional and mental abuse and it's effects. Read up on abuse and let your friend know you're there for her and actually be her friend instead of thinking her pathetic for being in a controlling relationship. It's horrible to be in one don't close the door on her

Nuffaluff · 11/04/2018 17:44

There was a brilliantl programme on Woman’s Hour a couple of weeks ago about this. About ‘coercive control’. I’d definitely recommend looking it up on bbc iPlayer. If you look it up it just has the date of the program, no title (to prevent abusers seeing that their partners have been listening to it).
They build up slowly with this kind of abuse. First he isolates her from her friends, family comes later.
Please support her.

ajandjjmum · 11/04/2018 17:49

Please let her know that you will always be there for her.

Coyoacan · 11/04/2018 18:01

No I am very fortunate to have not been in that situation

I'm glad. The only way I ever understood domestic violence was from being the victim of it myself and as I managed to get out relatively early, I consider myself lucky. Before that I honestly thought women just needed to leave their abusers and if they didn't it was because they must somehow like it.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 11/04/2018 18:16

The fact she stayed cleaning the house like a dutiful wife while he was in Spain without her instead of meeting up with you and other friends or better yet, packing his shit up and chucking him out, makes me think he’s done such a number on her she wouldn’t dare go out. Which is worrying.

By all means be pissed off but don’t abandon her totally. Make it clear you will always be her friend no matter what. Poor woman. It’s no way to live and I think she must know that to some degree as she has still offered that tiny 10 minute window to meet up. Probably by lying to him about where she will be.

My ex used to time how long id been at the shops and sometimes sniffed my knickers to make sure I’d not had sex with someone else while I was out. Wouldn’t mind but I usually had at least 1 child with me Hmm you’d be shocked how awful and controlling some of these abusive men are.

Fruitcorner123 · 11/04/2018 19:09

This thread reminds me of a friend. We fell out once and in our fall out she said "DH said he wonders why we are friends as we have nothing in common". At the time I was just angry with him but now I wonder why he said that. We have loads in common and have been friends for years. She's since cut contact with all our mutual friends. He always seemed an alright bloke until we fell out so it never really crossed my mind.

She exhibited some similar behaviour, it started with not staying over at hen dos just coming for the day part and driving on nights out so she could go home earlier because she didn't like to think of him on his own. In the final year before we fell out I only ever saw them together so did othwr friends. It's easy to not realise because the friend seems happy but essentially I guess they are brainwashed.

Your poor friend OP. I hope you manage to speak to her about your concerns in your 10 minute coffee together.

RosaRosaRose · 11/04/2018 19:34

Kelly It took six years for the 'love of my life' to completely separate me from friends and family.
I loved him with all my heart, no matter what he did.
I thought, as he said, he did it all for me.... to keep me safe.
After 2 years we moved area and again 2 years further away still.
If it had not been for that one friend who refused to give up on me and rescued me and helped me into a refuge then I don't think I'd be typing this on my phone.
10 years of love and devotion was what I thought I'd had.
10 years of coersive and physical control was what I'd got.
Don't give up on your friend. She deserves a better life.
Stay in the background if you have to.
But do just stay in touch, if you can.

JiminyBillyBob · 11/04/2018 19:43

Maybe she’d just rather spend time with him? It’s easy to assume abuse.

I’d ask her straight - face to face if possible. Depending on her answer either say “Csn I help? I’m always here if you manage to break free” or “Well I’m sick of being mucked about. Cheery bye” and ditch her.

TheOrigBrave · 12/04/2018 01:44

OP, it took to me many years to admit to myself, then more years to decide to leave then more to actually have the strength.

Please be there for her.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/04/2018 02:27

She's almost certainly being abused. It's really, really difficult to deal with when it happens to a friend - try to keep the door open as much as you can (without letting it have too much of a negative effect on you.) Because you can't just tell her that she needs to get rid of this wankstain: it's a realisation she has to come to by herself, and there will come a point where she really needs you.