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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why SIL does this?

109 replies

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 09:29

I was visiting family abroad over the weekend. They live in a city that has a couple of possible airports to fly in. I was talking to my brother about my flights in/out and he said something like 'oh, yes, SIL noticed there were no flights to airport X on Saturday'

It is at least the second time she does that, ie to check something about my flights. They are not picking me up from the airport nor dropping me off when I leave, so I do not understand why she does it, and it pisses me off. Makes me feel she is checking up on me.

Can anyone think of another reasonable and possibly nicer, explanation for her actions?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 11/04/2018 12:45

Ok, I didn't read the full thread (I know, I know). Agree with the 'bitch eating crackers' thing, but also think you are being unreasonable to leave out such relevant back story. Also think you're unreasonable to ask if it's wrong that you 'can't understand' why your SIL does this, because quite clearly you do understand. All comes across rather disingenuous.

I think I can see why you two rub each other up the wrong way. Just accept you don't have to be friends, you just have to be civil, and that sometimes she really is just eating crackers and the problem's yours.

Juiceylucy09 · 11/04/2018 12:46

I caannot see why it is a big deal where you are flying too, Would you not automatically tell them I am visiting getting the X flight to X airport.

dany174 · 11/04/2018 12:58

Sorry to hear that IamAporcupine. I guess this is more a thing between you and your brother and not you and your SIL. For all you know he asked her to look it up, or it could also be that she checked before you came and only now your brother brings it up.

Now that you had a small scare like this it might be the best time to have a more heart to heart with your brother about this. It's better to address it then to let resentment build up and explode at the wrong moment. Your probable not going to move back any time soon, your mothers health will in time only get worse.

Making clear to your brother that you understand that this puts an unfair amount of responsibility on him and that you will try and help with things where you can might be enough to reduce this resentment. Sometime people just need to know others see the situation they are in. Also occasionally reminding him that you are there if he needs help might make him feel a little less abandoned.

I know that I myself too often think that people know that I care and I would be there for them when they need it, but people need to hear it.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 13:00

@Quartz2208
I was going to start a completely different thread in Relationships about this, but given that you ask...

My brother is very resentful that I am not there, or that I am not doing enough/more, or that he has the responsibility to look after our mother (when he really does not want to).

What do you mean by 'making a point using his wife'?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2018 13:02

That he made it your SIL who checked the flights not himself, probably at either he behest or to appease him

mrsplum2015 · 11/04/2018 13:09

Some people just like to be on top of things. I would definitely say a similar thing to my dh about incoming family visits. We have lots of visitors and therefore I know a lot about flights to and from our relatively small airport. So if he said xx is arriving at xx I would probably comment on which airline it was likely to be or similar... Boring as it sounds.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 13:11

@PoorYorick, I really didn't mean it in a disingenuous way. I honestly could not think of why she would do this if she was not checking up on me.

Again, leaving the back story was not to drip feed, but to see if this situation, on its own, seemed odd or not. But maybe, as Catspaws said, the back story does change everything, so my mistake.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 11/04/2018 13:14

I don't think the problem here is whether your SIL is checking up on your flights.

There's understandable tension between you and your brother relating to your mother's health. I don't really have advice on that, I know it's a common problem. But if you do anything, I'd try to address that rather than focusing on your SIL looking up your flights.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/04/2018 13:19

YANBU - it's fucking creepy behaviour. By people with two much time on their hands.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/04/2018 13:20

Also wanted to say - they are usually checking up on a lot more than they get caught doing, if that makes sense.

drspouse · 11/04/2018 13:26

Some people just like checking that sort of thing. DH always tells me what train options I have when travelling places before I've checked myself.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 13:27

@PoorYorick I had a really upsetting chat with my brother yesterday. I totally agree SIL's checking up flights is a minor detail and I have bigger issues to deal with.
As I said, I was going to post for advice re. my brother's situation later on today, but in the meantime, I wanted to see if IWBU about this too.

OP posts:

GnotherGnu · 11/04/2018 13:38

This happened after I flew, so not related to giving advice re. flight options or better connections, etc.

Was it the conversation with your brother than happened after you flew, or her checking?

TheJoyOfSox · 11/04/2018 13:40

I don’t understand why your SIL likes to know which airport you arrive via, more importantly, if I was in your position, I wouldn’t care.

So she likes to know which airport you come in through, big bloody deal. Really op, how can you even be bothered to spend a moment wondering about this?

Maybe your SIL has a preferred airport and if she knows you’re arriving at Orly rather than Charles De Gaulle then she knows you’re more liable to be delayed getting through passport control or picking up your luggage.

Honestly, I don’t know why you even gave this ‘problem’ a seconds thought.

PoorYorick · 11/04/2018 13:43

I'm sorry about the situation with your brother. It is horrible when this kind of thing happens. My family had a similar situation, it was never resolved, and that's why I don't really have any advice for it. But I feel for you.

I guess this is one of those situations where, at face value, there really isn't anything amiss with it and it's only once you know the context that you realise there might be something else going on.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 13:51

@GnotherGnu - Was it the conversation with your brother than happened after you flew, or her checking?

I have no way of knowing when she checked, but the conversation with my brother was after I flew. Something like this:

Me (a week ago): I will be there next weekend, arriving on Saturday.
My brother (on Sunday, after asking how my flight was): oh, you came via X? yes, SIL noticed there were no flights on Saturday (via Y).

OP posts:

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 13:55

@TheJoyOfSox I could not agree more. I should not care, but I do unfortunately.

@PoorYorick, thanks

OP posts:

Mydoghatesthebath · 11/04/2018 14:05

To be honest op I think your brother may be in my situation. My sister is 4 hours drive away and rarely visits.

I am the go to daughter for my elderly dad and altzimers mum. It will get worse and worse. It’s quite exhausting as I have my own big family.

When my sister does visit she has lots of bright advice but does physically fuck all. She emails advice too

now not saying you do that but your bro and sil May still resent all the care coming from them in the future and none from you.

You can’t help where you live but it’s a fact that you won’t be doing the donkey work of caring for your mum when push comes to shove.

GreenTulips · 11/04/2018 14:42

I don't in sweat and why anyone would care to look at another grown ups travel plans

I would assume from what you are saying is that you arrange your travel and told them you arrive Sunday and SIL thought this wasn't good enough so checked up if you could've flown Satruday instead

Rather than be helpful she's just checking out your plans to see if they are 'real'

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 15:24

Yes, something like that GreenTulips.

It looks like I am not explaining it very well though - I did travel on Saturday. And that's what I had said to my brother. I didn't see him until Sunday though, when he made that comment re. the different airports.

The comment in itself was not nasty or unhelpful, it was just a fact, but it made me realise that she had checked which flight I was taking.

Anyway, as many have said, probably a non-issue. I just thought it was odd she would look at my flight options just because.

OP posts:

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 15:30

@Mydoghatesthebath
Sorry to hear you are doing most of the looking after your parents.
I still think the situation between my brother and me is not so black and white re. who does what, but as I said, I'll start another thread for that.

OP posts:

Mydoghatesthebath · 11/04/2018 15:58

Ok op hope things straighten out for you

3out · 12/04/2018 19:21

It’s just curiosity, nothing more.

Your sil telling your brother that there aren’t flights into X airport on a Sunday doesn’t mean she didn’t believe you’d booked flights etc. It’s just as innocent as your brother saying to his wife ‘wonder if porcupine is coming in via X’ ‘No, it’ll be Y. X doesn’t operate on a Sunday’. It doesn’t take a super sleuth, Siri can tell you in ten seconds. I think you’re being overly paranoid.

Hope you manage to sort things out with your brother. Your sil isn’t the issue here.

nymum · 12/04/2018 20:00

When I first read the thread my thought was that I often look up flights of guests or want to know their itinerary so I can make plans (have options in mind). If it’s an early flight, they might need a nap or might be too tired for a late night, etc. Nothing bad. Maybe nosey. After reading your convo with your brother I think it might be even less involved. She could have very well read in the newspaper there were no flights on Sat at X airport and mentioned it aloud. ‘Oh, SIL must not be using X airport. There are no flights’ type thing. I think your tension with your brother over parental responsibility is making you feel defensive. And SIL is now ‘eating crackers’. DH and I are the ones living away from family. His siblings have had to do A LOT for his elderly parents over the last few years and we have felt very guilty. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of resentment though and I think it’s because his siblings are all pretty understanding that living close to the parents means they are going to have more responsibility. DH is as involved as he can be and openly grateful for their time. I think communicating with your brother is the key. Acknowledge he has more responsibility and thank him. And ask how you can support him. It doesn’t sound like he needs it, but offering it may make all the difference. The key is open communication before resentments/defensiveness build and you can no longer have a conversation without imagining ulterior motives or slights. Good luck. It’s so hard.

heateallthebuns · 12/04/2018 20:05

If I have visitors coming by I always want to know their flight details so I can plan and check when their flight has arrived so I know when they are going to arrive.

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