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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why SIL does this?

109 replies

IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 09:29

I was visiting family abroad over the weekend. They live in a city that has a couple of possible airports to fly in. I was talking to my brother about my flights in/out and he said something like 'oh, yes, SIL noticed there were no flights to airport X on Saturday'

It is at least the second time she does that, ie to check something about my flights. They are not picking me up from the airport nor dropping me off when I leave, so I do not understand why she does it, and it pisses me off. Makes me feel she is checking up on me.

Can anyone think of another reasonable and possibly nicer, explanation for her actions?

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 10:56

@HonkyWonkWoman Thanks for posting that.

OP posts:
Catspaws · 11/04/2018 11:00

The issue here OP is that the back story is everything.

In a normal relationship her behaviour wouldn't be at all weird and there are lots of sensible reasons why she might check flights.

But in your relationship - where you don't like each other and there is resentment, and where she thinks you're a liar and you think she's a cow - it probably is because she's checking up on you.

So YABU for drip feeding when in your situation the context changes everything!

LagunaBubbles · 11/04/2018 11:01

Go NC with the flight checking cowbag

Haha Grin

ReversingSnail · 11/04/2018 11:05

I love crackers GrinHalo

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 11:06

@ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual, he is definitely there if there is an emergency and helps her with other things she might need, but otherwise they see each other every two weeks maybe? He is not looking after her. SIL does not do (or wants to do) anything else for her either (not my opinion, my brother's comment).

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 11/04/2018 11:08

Meh. Who cares. 🙄

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 11:08

Just checking the flights "exist". How else would you actually get there unless the flight existed? Confused. Unless your usual mode of transport is your broomstick...

Justanotherzombie · 11/04/2018 11:09

I often look up journey permutations just when a thought strikes me like ‘oh, I wonder if I x visitors get in earlier in the day/faster route via X airport’ etc. Its often half about general knowledge about routes and flights in my nearby area. It’s really not a strange thing to do. It’s stranger you think she can find some ammunition to use by knowing about flights?

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 11:10

@Catspaws - agree. thanks!

OP posts:
TammyWhyNot · 11/04/2018 11:12

HonkyTonk: we have had to seriously advocate for my Mum when she has been very ill in hospital. Hospital, other matters keeping the home going, And the visiting - which kept her going - was a significant undertaking. I am the sibling who 'flies in' - well, drives 4 hours - and I KNOW how much day to day strain my siblings pick up, in addition to being on hand for emergencies. And they have jobs and kids of their own too.

Lacucuracha · 11/04/2018 11:14

I'm bloody glad to read a thread where the son has to take some responsibility for his parent.

Too often it's the daughter's responsibility.

GreenTulips · 11/04/2018 11:15

I would have a cursory look at flights around the weekend she was planning to come, and then mention there were no flights on a Saturday in case she'd been planning to visit on the Saturday and hadn't checked flights first

Is she not a grown up?

SamandDean · 11/04/2018 11:24

Sorry, to all of you saying you check people journeys, I totally get that, but that is not what she is doing
If you know why she’s doing it then why ask?

CupofFrothyCoffee · 11/04/2018 11:31

As in "Look at that bitch over there, eating crackers like she owns the world"

Grin Love this!

JessicaJonesJacket · 11/04/2018 11:35

I would maybe check flights. Out of boredom, nosiness, if my friend was flaky and might not organise it properly, if I forgot which airport they said they were flying into and for some reason it was annoying me that I couldn't remember . . .honestly, there's lots of reasons. None of which are particularly sensible or stand up to scrutiny. But none of which are evil or nefarious.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 11:37

@SamandDean Sorry, to all of you saying you check people journeys, I totally get that, but that is not what she is doing
If you know why she’s doing it then why ask?

I said that is not what she is doing. People were saying maybe she wants to know if your flight is delayed, or there is traffic, etc, etc, I said I would understand that, but that is not what she is doing, she is not checking details 'live' about my journey.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 11:40

@JessicaJonesJacket, thanks, that's exactly what I was asking

OP posts:
HelpTheTigers · 11/04/2018 11:47

I'm not a fan of the 'bitch' word but I do like the phrase, so I thought that I'd substitute 'bitch' with 'arsehole'. Then I realised that 'arsehole eating crackers' has a very different meaning....
Blush Grin

dany174 · 11/04/2018 12:01

Your defiantly over reacting. I would defiantly have done what your SIL did. And there would be 0 malice behind it.

Even though your mother is not in a life threatening condition, just the fact that she had to go to hospital and its important enough for you to fly over means its a stressful situation for both your brother and SIL.

If I were your SIL I would be checking flights the moment the idea of you flying over was even brought up. Partly to be informed, partly to maybe give suggestions and partly to tel the information to your brother incase the subject comes up when he speaks to you. It would also just give me something to do that feels useful in a situation where a lot of people might feel like everything is out of there controle.

I am also the child that lives in another country from their parents. Although I love my life it comes with some guilt of not being there a lot for them. Be careful that your not projecting your own disappointment in yourself onto others. Not being able to be there quicker, having to look at prices instead of just being able to take the first available flight, I have been in that situation and it comes with a lot of doubt, guilt and anger towards yourself.

I have found that, at least the people I know, are not very resentful about it. They might make a hurtful remark without resizing it, like you "can't she get here sooner", but that does not mean they resent you or distrust you. It just means that in a stressful time they made a remark that did not fully take into consideration the position you are in and how it might make you feel. She probable did not even realise and has forgotten all about the remark, one that in any other situation would have been a perfectly normal question to ask.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 12:10

I've just re-read my OP and realised this is not clear at all:
I was talking to my brother about my flights in/out and he said something like 'oh, yes, SIL noticed there were no flights to airport X on Saturday'

This happened after I flew, so not related to giving advice re. flight options or better connections, etc.

I thought I'd clarify just in case

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 11/04/2018 12:21

OP: AIBU?
Mumsnet: Yes, YABU
OP: No I'm not because big dripfeed which changes everything

Biscuit
Quartz2208 · 11/04/2018 12:23

How is your relationship with your brother as he seems to be making a point using his wife

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 11/04/2018 12:24

Thanks, dany174
Not being able to be there quicker, having to look at prices instead of just being able to take the first available flight, I have been in that situation and it comes with a lot of doubt, guilt and anger towards yourself.

I can definitely relate to this.
And I can also understand why someone would check flights/make comments in an emergency situation. I just thought it was strange she keeps doing it now.

I have found that, at least the people I know, are not very resentful about it.
Unfortunately that is not the case in our family, my brother has been very vocal about it. But that is for another thread.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/04/2018 12:35

Ah yes this isn’t about your SIL at all she was probably just trying to keep the peace

This is about your brothers resentment

PoorYorick · 11/04/2018 12:40

I live in a similar city, maybe the same one. I do that sort of thing. I don't know, I just check to see what their journey will be like because I do sort of give a bit of a stuff about them. If I notice something's difficult, e.g. flights landing at bad times, I might offer to pick them up if that wasn't originally the plan.

The weird thing to me is why this offends you?