To think it's OK not to have any friends?

[MBackland]

I genuinely don't know if IABU. I find social interactions a real struggle. The funny thing is, I actually work in a very sociable industry, and I think if you didn't know me well you would assume I was very friendly and chatty because I do know how to make conversation. I know what questions to ask, how to take an interest in other people, how to show enthusiasm, but it's not sincere. I don't mean that nastily, I just don't enjoy interacting with other people and it's not that I'm NOT interested, I just find interacting with other people more stressful than enjoyable.

I have a handful of old friends who I see every couple of months or so. We do "normal" things like go to new restaurants, cocktail bars, talk about our lives...but, to be honest, it's only out of a sense of duty because I feel like I SHOULD have friends. It's "the done thing". I notice when too much time goes past and make sure to message them to invite them out for a drink or dinner if they haven't already messaged me, but it's not out of longing to see them, it's simply because "that's-what-friends-do". The only ones I genuinely look forward to seeing are my husband, dog and my immediate family. But I know I can't pin my entire social life on them, so I try to maintain these friendships. I have to interact with others daily at work and I put a smile on my face and ask questions and share jokes and make small talk but every second I'm thinking, what if they see through me? What if I'm not being funny enough, interesting enough, warm enough, charming enough. I tear myself apart thinking of all the ways I must be inadequate company or the foot-in-mouth moments I wish I could take back. I'm only ever at ease with my husband and my dog. I sometimes fantasies about living in a cottage in the woods with just me and my dog. I wonder if I wouldn't rip myself apart so much if I wasn't constantly over analysing how I must come across to other people. What a disappointment I must be as a friend.

I watched a documentary about autism the other night and I found the social masking element very interesting. I am NOT saying that I thinK I am autistic, but I do wonder if my interactions with others are just learned behaviours. They don't come as naturally to me as they seem to with others, I just put out the interaction that I feel others expect from me.

I like the idea of having friends, I just don't know how I feel about the reality. Trying, and feeling like I'm failing, at friendships, feels like it does more harm than good.

AIBU to ask if anyone else feels the same?

You sound fine to me. I would bloody love to live in a cottage in a wood with dh my dog and cat. I would forward my address to my grown up kids though

I like seeing certain friends but I have other friends who are out constantly and their lives exhaust me.

Don’t label yourself. Just be yourself

Oh god, l live with my foot in my mouth! I know how it feels.
What you have said resonates with me. Even when very small I said I wanted to live in a house in the middle of a field on my own. I have very few close friends, especially since my very best friend died a couple of years ago, but, you know what? I really don't care. I like my own company, the company of my oh, dog and other family members. Embrace your self sufficiency. Everyone is different. If you are not a social person, so what? Just get on and enjoy your life, and stop worrying what other people think about you.

This could have been written by me. I feel totally the same.

There’s a lot of social pressure to have friends, fb and the like. It wasn’t always like that. People can be made to think that if they don’t have loads of friends they are somehow failing. It’s just not true. If it’s not your natural inclination to have friends then that’s fine. You sound like you’d be perfectly happy with your own company ( dog and dh) and that’s perfectly lovely. Rejoice in who you are.

Another vote for being yourself, says me, living in isolation a fair distance from anyone.
Your family and dog love you as you are so unless it worries your DH just enjoy.
You could spend a few minutes doing an online aspergers test and see how you score. It wouldn't mean you have to change anything or even tell anyone if you are or suspect you are, but it may make you feel a bit more settled in your own mind.

I 100% feel like this. I find social interaction a total drain ! I'm don't consider myself autistic just introverted but I have to act extroverted in my job , when I come home I feel like the life has been sucked out of me! 😂🙈.

I really only feel comfortable with my DP and my cat ! I too long to live somewhere deserted like a desert island where I don't have to speak to anyone I don't want to lol , so no you are not alone xx

Me too! One of the issues I think I've worked out is that a lot of my friends are very high energy, talkative and loud, so when we go out I find it absolutely exhausting, it's like a competition. I find I'm much better in one on one situations with people who are more laid back and calmer.

I'm also guilty of maintaining friendships because I feel I should, I am much happier at home with DH and the dog (or even just the dog if DH is away). But I know it's not normal / healthy so I try to see other people regularly. Whereas a lot of my friends have regular girls nights out, go to each other's houses to drink wine, meet for coffees, go on spa days etc. I never do any of that.

I have no friends although I'm generally ridiculed for it. By family members and my ex. I remember a family member saying if someone has no friends there's a reason for it (that they are obviously not a nice person.)

I'm so pleased you've posted this, to know that I'm not alone!!!

I've recently become a SAHM after the arrival of dc1 and my parents are constantly saying that they think I've got PND and all sorts because I'm not out with "mummy friends" everyday.

I have a few that I meet with occasionally but I really don't feel like I miss them or anything in between catch ups. I get out every day by myself with dc and definitely don't shut myself off but I'm starting to get sick of all the comments because I don't want to have a million Mum friends.

I enjoy just spending time with DC and DH. DH is the only person I feel 100% relaxed around to talk to about anything.

I think if your job involves talking with others and making conversation all day this can be very draining. I find after a day at work I have nothing else to give and just want to be at home with DH.

Yes Skippetydoodah, I see my friends because I feel I should and that it would be healthy to do so, not because I genuinely desire to. I do meet up occasionally with friends, but I'm not close enough to anyone to form part of a clique or a group who regularly meet up together. All of my friendships are 1-1 rather than in groups. I don't tend to get invited to the big group meet-ups, school reunions etc. I don't have a "gang".

My plans for the weekend often consist of "finding somewhere new and exciting to walk the dog" before going home to paint or watch a boxset in some freshly laundered pyjamas. I love being outdoors, I love nature and learning about/photographing wildlife. I'm quite involved with animal charities and feel very emotionally connected to animals, but not to other humans. I imagine growing old surrounded by various rescued animals and my DH. I think I love my dog so much because he is so perfectly innocent. I don't ever have to worry that he's thinking something bad about more, or that I've let him down or not been witty enough company for him. I love the very bones of him and often wish people could be as unassuming and non-judgmental.

Thank you for posting this @MBackland. I can relate to what you've written about feeling you ought to socialise.

I do catch up with friends, usually one to one but I find it all a bit exhausting.

It's a relief to know there are others out there.

Another one here OP.I used to be a lot more sociable but a combination of realising that I trust and feel comfortable with very few people other than DH ,and a few friends that go back years -and that I only see every few months .I'm so happy and relaxed with DH and my immediate family.And if DH is away and no one is around I just love my own company .And if I do meet friends I prefer to do so individually for a relaxed lunch or walk.I'm also a huge animal and nature lover ,and my favourite thing is rambling around with our lovely dogs or pottering around the garden for hours.I don't Facebook anymore because a lot of the updates of girls nights out,fizzy Friday get togethers,spa breaks etc started to make me feel inadequate and a bit of a loner.But I realise that's daft,and it's better to be true to yourself. So thank you for the post OP.

I can also really relate to you op. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I really do think some people just don’t need other people around as others do.

I think as you get older you understand your own make up more, and I’m convinced a lot of it’s down to genetics. I’ve never enjoyed crowds, preferring 1:1. I don’t actually NEED anyone, happy in my own company, adore animals. Interestingly, I’m married to the most sociable ‘people person’ ever, which makes for example holidays tricky as he likes to go en mass!

Good to know there are others like this, as I can honestly say I’m real life I know only 1. And we get on like a house on fire!

OP I am the same. I did do an online Asperger test and came out borderline. Glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way.

It's so interesting to see a reflection in others. I too have a very sociable and extroverted partner @Aroundtheworldandback. It's a running joke that whilst he makes new friends wherever he goes simply by striking up conversations with strangers I am definitely more likely to keep others at arm's length. Perhaps it's a case of opposites attracting. I certainly wouldn't want to be married to the male version of me! Never felt the need to be around others either. I remember as a teenager and in my early twenties I used to watch groups of my girlfriends go to the bathrooms at clubs together and wonder why they all needed a support party. Surely it was quicker and more efficient just to go alone..?

@Snugglepiggy if it wasn't for my very social media dependant job I would inactivate all of my accounts tomorrow. Completely agree with you about that. I hate being forced to compare my life to others and every time I see photos of old school friends out en masse together or friends of mine on holiday/at spas/dinners/clubs with other friends it's a reminder of how I'm not the sort of easy-to-be-around person that they would choose to share that experience with. Whilst I don't think I would enjoy it it doesn't stop it smarting when I see others bonding and sharing time together without me. But I've lost sense of whether it sincerely hurts me or whether I just feel "hurt" because society teaches us we should crave these relationships.

@MBackland
Forgive the levity (my humour can be a bit 'off the wall') as it obviously concerns you but in saying you don't have many friends and generally seem to be OK on your own you seem to have picked up about a dozen 'followers'.
Could there be a commonality in that many have at least an element of Aspergers? I did an online test and came out a few points into Aspergers territory. I like to know WHY things are as they are so establishing I am a little different has helped me.

Yes @outabout I do understand where you're coming from with that. I did do an online Aspergers tests and came out on the cusp. I don't hold too much stock in these online tests as surely they can be no replacement for a detailed expert assessment but the thought that I might have some shared ground does make me feel like at least perhaps I'm just wired this way rather than just not "getting" something that seems to come so naturally to others, if that makes sense.

@MBackland
A 'proper' test might be beneficial but might also make you more concerned. If you and DH are happy then it probably falls into a 'handy to know' category and you could investigate some ways to push you towards being a bit more sociable if you wanted. Your DH loves you for who you are which is all important. As long as the running joke you mentioned does not become unpleasant you or cause upset you are fine as you are.

I could have written this OP! in addition to finding meeting up with friends exhausting I actually dread it and find myself getting very nervous - I’m not sure what of, maybe it being awkward? Me not being funny enough? And this isn’t with people I don’t know well, it’s with life long ones!

You do have friends though.

But I'm the same as you so completely understand. I like...no LOVE my own company. I find other people incredibly hard work and when some friends say they understand, they really don't because they then get a bit when I don't want to go away for weekends with them.

DH understands though...he's very sociable but never makes me attend things. I do make an effort for him....as he likes it when I go to parties etc.

But he'd never make me or make me feel bad for not wanting to. He actually stood up for me the other day when a mutual friend was pressurising me to go away for a weekend and said "Aja hasn't had a weekend completely alone for ages...she'll love it if I go and she doesnt!"

Another that could have written this post OP.

I did an online autism test with a work colleague, we thought he would have a high score for autism, but nope, it was me with a score of 146.

I've never bothered to see about a diagnosis though, I'm quite comfortable with who I am etc.

When I am around people, I am friendly, chatty, like to joke around and generally I am liked, but inside I'm always watching, wondering if they are getting bored, have I annoyed them, do they actually like me or just pretending.

I just cannot handle a lot of people being in my life. It stresses me out and makes me anxious. I have one friend for over 30 years and I see her every month or so for a coffee, but we don't text or call each other really.

I'm very happy with my husband and my children and sometimes I think I am just too selfish a person to handle friends. I forget things like birthdays, tend to only reach out to someone if things are really bad and just prefer not to have the stress of wondering if I'm being a good enough friend.

This is the test I do, 70 questions www.aspietests.org/userdetails.php?target=raads/index.php if anyone is interested.

I am the same, Don't have Aspergers, am just curmudgeonly.

I don't really like people either. Like you I socialise because I feel it's expected. I don't like being around people making pointless small talk.

I'd bloody love a cottage in the woods. Just me and my dog!