I genuinely don't know if IABU. I find social interactions a real struggle. The funny thing is, I actually work in a very sociable industry, and I think if you didn't know me well you would assume I was very friendly and chatty because I do know how to make conversation. I know what questions to ask, how to take an interest in other people, how to show enthusiasm, but it's not sincere. I don't mean that nastily, I just don't enjoy interacting with other people and it's not that I'm NOT interested, I just find interacting with other people more stressful than enjoyable.
I have a handful of old friends who I see every couple of months or so. We do "normal" things like go to new restaurants, cocktail bars, talk about our lives...but, to be honest, it's only out of a sense of duty because I feel like I SHOULD have friends. It's "the done thing". I notice when too much time goes past and make sure to message them to invite them out for a drink or dinner if they haven't already messaged me, but it's not out of longing to see them, it's simply because "that's-what-friends-do". The only ones I genuinely look forward to seeing are my husband, dog and my immediate family. But I know I can't pin my entire social life on them, so I try to maintain these friendships. I have to interact with others daily at work and I put a smile on my face and ask questions and share jokes and make small talk but every second I'm thinking, what if they see through me? What if I'm not being funny enough, interesting enough, warm enough, charming enough. I tear myself apart thinking of all the ways I must be inadequate company or the foot-in-mouth moments I wish I could take back. I'm only ever at ease with my husband and my dog. I sometimes fantasies about living in a cottage in the woods with just me and my dog. I wonder if I wouldn't rip myself apart so much if I wasn't constantly over analysing how I must come across to other people. What a disappointment I must be as a friend.
I watched a documentary about autism the other night and I found the social masking element very interesting. I am NOT saying that I thinK I am autistic, but I do wonder if my interactions with others are just learned behaviours. They don't come as naturally to me as they seem to with others, I just put out the interaction that I feel others expect from me.
I like the idea of having friends, I just don't know how I feel about the reality. Trying, and feeling like I'm failing, at friendships, feels like it does more harm than good.
AIBU to ask if anyone else feels the same?