To think it's OK not to have any friends?

[MBackland]

I genuinely don't know if IABU. I find social interactions a real struggle. The funny thing is, I actually work in a very sociable industry, and I think if you didn't know me well you would assume I was very friendly and chatty because I do know how to make conversation. I know what questions to ask, how to take an interest in other people, how to show enthusiasm, but it's not sincere. I don't mean that nastily, I just don't enjoy interacting with other people and it's not that I'm NOT interested, I just find interacting with other people more stressful than enjoyable.

I have a handful of old friends who I see every couple of months or so. We do "normal" things like go to new restaurants, cocktail bars, talk about our lives...but, to be honest, it's only out of a sense of duty because I feel like I SHOULD have friends. It's "the done thing". I notice when too much time goes past and make sure to message them to invite them out for a drink or dinner if they haven't already messaged me, but it's not out of longing to see them, it's simply because "that's-what-friends-do". The only ones I genuinely look forward to seeing are my husband, dog and my immediate family. But I know I can't pin my entire social life on them, so I try to maintain these friendships. I have to interact with others daily at work and I put a smile on my face and ask questions and share jokes and make small talk but every second I'm thinking, what if they see through me? What if I'm not being funny enough, interesting enough, warm enough, charming enough. I tear myself apart thinking of all the ways I must be inadequate company or the foot-in-mouth moments I wish I could take back. I'm only ever at ease with my husband and my dog. I sometimes fantasies about living in a cottage in the woods with just me and my dog. I wonder if I wouldn't rip myself apart so much if I wasn't constantly over analysing how I must come across to other people. What a disappointment I must be as a friend.

I watched a documentary about autism the other night and I found the social masking element very interesting. I am NOT saying that I thinK I am autistic, but I do wonder if my interactions with others are just learned behaviours. They don't come as naturally to me as they seem to with others, I just put out the interaction that I feel others expect from me.

I like the idea of having friends, I just don't know how I feel about the reality. Trying, and feeling like I'm failing, at friendships, feels like it does more harm than good.

AIBU to ask if anyone else feels the same?

Hi, op I feel similar. I find most social interaction really exhausting and anxiety inducing. I'd much rather stay in and binge watch a TV series on Netflix than go out with friends these days. I think that I'm autistic though so for me it's the sensory overload as well as social weariness.

Interesting that many of us that feel like this have DH’s that are more extrovert.

It's taken me almost 40 years to finally accept what I am. My twenties were a haze of drunken socialising (couldn't have done it without alcohol) and now, almost 60, I realise I've led a very false life in order to fit in with family/society expectations. I still feel pressure to socialise with friends more but it's a lot easier. I've got some mixed feelings about the rights/wrongs of having pushed myself to do so many things out of my comfort zone as it wasn't all good. However, I have to accept that I'm kind of proud of doing so much out of my comfort zone as now I can relax and just be me. However, too many friends has and still is just too overwhelming for me.

You don’t have the right friends if you oh feel like this.

I disagree.

*Imagine a scenario that you really Look forward tk seeinfyour friends; you care deeply about them and also their families; you turn to them when the shit hits the fan; you have both wonderful fun times with them and also quiet thoughtful chats with them; and finally no judgement, not bitchniess, just true and unabiding friendships.

That is how I feel about my friends. One group of four local friends I made since moving to the area, children at same school. One group of two very old friends from school. One friend I met 8 years ago in NCT*

Us unsocial people totally get what your saying- the value you have of your friends does not bypass us completely.
We really don't need it spelled out to us.

But we don't all feel that way.

Many of us are self sufficient people, or feel a partner is enough company.
To me the hassle of maintaining a friendship outweighs the good bits. For all that help when the "shit hits the fan" it's not worth the banal dull conversation, the chit chat, the nights out, the time wasted sitting talking rubbish in Starbucks.

I am not interested in the minutiae of other people's daily lives, their tale of the dentist or what happened when they took their car to the garage.
And of the 100 or so " attempted" friendships- all lovely people, it all seems to come down to all the dreary stuff.

@VenezuelanBeaverCheese Human love and affection always seem so conditional and transactional compared to the bonds we have with animals. It seems to me human relationships, even with those we say are our oldest/closest friends, are so fragile and so conditional on meeting the unspoken expectations of others, of not accidentally saying something offensive, or being too quiet, or not being naturally charismatic enough. All my dog asks of me is that I feed him, walk him, play with him and am kind to him. He asks so little of me yet our bond feels very pure compared to the complicated relationships we have with humans.

I don't think it helps that I don't like to gossip about others. When someone wants to talk about someone else with me behind their back I try to remain neutral and not engage too much because in my eyes I just think if they find it easy to gossip about someone then what's stopping me from being next? I think it makes me come across as a bit haughty and cool. I don't mean to be. I do have resting bitch face and that doesn't help either! I tend to be on good terms with most people I work with and acquaintances I make, but it never goes past that superficial small-talk phase. DH picks up friends wherever he goes and I'm grateful that he took the time to get past the facade with me.

I nearly always say yes on the rare occasions I'm invited to things but when the day comes around I find myself anxiously wishing it was all over already so I can go home and be alone, or leave them so I can enjoy peacefully wandering the shops by myself and have a leisurely lunch alone.

It occurred to me the other day that all the adverts we see on TV, whether it's phones, cars, holidays etc always depict groups of friends my age excitedly going on various adventures together. Always hopping in a car together to go somewhere or meeting up in cool city bars in large groups. It sounds like that's not remotely reflective of life for many of us.

It occurred to me the other day that all the adverts we see on TV, whether it's phones, cars, holidays etc always depict groups of friends my age excitedly going on various adventures together. Always hopping in a car together to go somewhere or meeting up in cool city bars in large groups.

Yes but for many of us that would be a nightmare.

I would rather have root canal work done than go on holiday with a group of friends.

And TV ads show all sorts of crap.

Mothers with tiny toddlers smiling - wearing full make up and hair immaculate- in their all white houses white carpets,, gentle breeze wafting in through the voiles.

Reality can be very far from that.

Same with groups of friends on holiday.

I feel the same about my dog OP. He's 13 now and I'm forever worried about how old he is getting. Dogs don't have an agenda!

I had a wonderful group of friends in high school. Until they all wrote me letters to tell me how annoying I was complete with bullet points listing my crimes. I was quite hyper in school and bossy so it was fair enough but I literally had no idea I came across that way. None.

I think ever since then, I have never trusted having friends. I also can't stand gossip and I always think. If someone will gossip to me, they will also gossip about me. No thanks!

Dogs do have an agenda but it is very simple: Eat, play and sleep!

And the strategy is to 'please' the one who feeds them, be it by looking cute or running after a ball.

I hope you don't mind me commenting here OP because my situation is a bit different but I'm suddenly flying over to your situation....

I'm single and childfree. I used to think friends were the most important thing ever. I still do in the sense that I'd support them through illness and other crises.

but I'm starting to really not want to go out with them. I like a quiet life and it ends up meaning I don't have much to say. I love MN because you can have random chats about everything but with friends it's a bit different. And I hate sitting in bars and restaurants etc.

And I'm realising there's a certain amount of listening that is just politeness. The love is there - it's just coming to the point where I sort of prefer brief check in messages to nights out.

then I find it stressful having people here and having to cook etc.

I guess I'm changing. I have been on holiday with groups of friends and enjoyed it but I definitely can't do it again.

I have a handful of close friends. DH has none. We are both very sociable at work and surrounded by people all day long, weekends and evenings are to decompress and just be a family. I agree about holidaying with others, I would HATE that. We do a lot of camping and usually search for the furthest corner of the furthest field and give a steely glare to anyone who tries to pitch near us I couldn't stand all the arrangements either, I just want to be selfish on my holiday and spend time with my little family of 4 doing things we want to do.
Sorry, I digress! But OP I think you can see you have a lot of like minded people on this thread so it is clear you are not alone in how you feel.

Right now I don’t have any friends. And I don’t care. I was starting to wonder if something was wrong with me! I genuinely really enjoy my own company and just spending time with my D.C.
After a big life change recently I started evaluating all the relationships in my life and realised that the few ‘friends’ I did have, weren’t actually friends at all. I get on well with my workmates, and we go on a night out 2/3 times a year but I wouldn’t class them as friends.

I agree with what a PP said about when you find truly wonderful friends you will want to spend time with them. I just don’t have the energy/inclination to force relationships anymore. If I met someone I felt a real connection with, then yes I would make the effort to maintain the friendship.

For now, I actually feel liberated and ‘free’. I don’t need anyone to rely on and am able to do what I want. And I love it.

If I need advice or support from strong, intelligent women then I use Mumsnet.

This is so like me.

I feel about the same way. I think having connection with other people can be important, but it's certainly not the be all and end all of life. You're not a failure or a weirdo if having many friends/a busy social life is something you don't truly pine for when you don't have it.

I've found my people!

Yep, me too. I socialize out of necessity.... my kids need play dates. I've only ever truly clicked with 2/3 other girlfriends in my life, and I hold them very dearly. But my DH, my family, immediate and extended are enough for me if I'm honest. Even then, I bloody relish time on my own.

Don't feel bad.

I'm just the same. I always feel like the conversation has been more trouble than it's worth. That said there are one or two people I can really relax with, but the thought of going to a party, large gathering etc is awful.

With all these people joining in (which is great) and in a fit of levity because the sun is out here I think we should organise a meet up at a pub somewhere and ignore each other.
Massive apologies to anyone who is seriously concerned and does not see this way.

outabout - you have sun? I'll be on the first train - can't see for thick fog here. We're not talking to each other so I just need a vague area name

I can be exactly the same. I have a job where it involves talking and chatting to everyone. It is bloody draining. When I get home I just don't want to talk to anyone.

I have a handful of close friends. I like a weekend with my parents or my in-laws then I’ve had enough!

I find people in general pretty annoying, stupid and rude. I’m not a people person! I used to be a nurse and a flight attendant and working with customers finished me off and really put me off people.

I have an office job that’s semi-social and sometimes involves events. I can be friendly and pretend to be interested for a few hours at a time at a dinner or conference I’ve organised and then I can’t wait to get home!

I had a work induction day recently. I found it really odd that people were being really over-friendly. I really don’t care and I’m not at work to make friends, I have all the friends I need. I’m polite and do small talk at the kind of things and that’s that!

Yanbu. I’m very like this.

If it's what will make you happy then yes but be careful what you wish for.

If it's what will make you happy then yes but be careful what you wish for.

What does that mean exactly?

There’s a lot of social pressure to have friends, fb and the like. It wasn’t always like that. People can be made to think that if they don’t have loads of friends they are somehow failing. It’s just not true. If it’s not your natural inclination to have friends then that’s fine. You sound like you’d be perfectly happy with your own company ( dog and dh) and that’s perfectly lovely. Rejoice in who you are.

^^this. and people who say they have loads of friends....its not true, facebook people are not 'friends'.

Ive always preffered my own company. I have 4 friends in the whole world and I'm perfectly fine with that, I see them as and when. Dcs the same.

Dcs autistic and its a miracle she can mange with the 3 friends and her cousins, as she has major social anxiety. but she perfectly happy in her little own world, and I HATE the 'oh she SHOULD have a social life, youre isolating her' and all the rst.

Actually she isolates ME, as I'm haer carer as well as her mum, but I'm actually fine with that as I'm really not a people person. I'm quite happy to be 'sociable' here on MN-and its the only social media thing I do, no facebook, no twitter.