To think it's OK not to have any friends?

[MBackland]

I genuinely don't know if IABU. I find social interactions a real struggle. The funny thing is, I actually work in a very sociable industry, and I think if you didn't know me well you would assume I was very friendly and chatty because I do know how to make conversation. I know what questions to ask, how to take an interest in other people, how to show enthusiasm, but it's not sincere. I don't mean that nastily, I just don't enjoy interacting with other people and it's not that I'm NOT interested, I just find interacting with other people more stressful than enjoyable.

I have a handful of old friends who I see every couple of months or so. We do "normal" things like go to new restaurants, cocktail bars, talk about our lives...but, to be honest, it's only out of a sense of duty because I feel like I SHOULD have friends. It's "the done thing". I notice when too much time goes past and make sure to message them to invite them out for a drink or dinner if they haven't already messaged me, but it's not out of longing to see them, it's simply because "that's-what-friends-do". The only ones I genuinely look forward to seeing are my husband, dog and my immediate family. But I know I can't pin my entire social life on them, so I try to maintain these friendships. I have to interact with others daily at work and I put a smile on my face and ask questions and share jokes and make small talk but every second I'm thinking, what if they see through me? What if I'm not being funny enough, interesting enough, warm enough, charming enough. I tear myself apart thinking of all the ways I must be inadequate company or the foot-in-mouth moments I wish I could take back. I'm only ever at ease with my husband and my dog. I sometimes fantasies about living in a cottage in the woods with just me and my dog. I wonder if I wouldn't rip myself apart so much if I wasn't constantly over analysing how I must come across to other people. What a disappointment I must be as a friend.

I watched a documentary about autism the other night and I found the social masking element very interesting. I am NOT saying that I thinK I am autistic, but I do wonder if my interactions with others are just learned behaviours. They don't come as naturally to me as they seem to with others, I just put out the interaction that I feel others expect from me.

I like the idea of having friends, I just don't know how I feel about the reality. Trying, and feeling like I'm failing, at friendships, feels like it does more harm than good.

AIBU to ask if anyone else feels the same?

I also could have written your post.

I learned the long and hard way how to make friends, because I felt like I should, and then discovered I didnt' really enjoy it after all.

I score very high (as in usually less one point from highest) on autism spectrum tests though, and all but one of my children are formally diagnosed.

At most, I keep one or two friends. Often, that drops to zero. And more and more frequently, I don't see that as a problem any more.

My husband is very sociable, keeps more friends than I can remember the names of, and I see him as my kind of touchstone with normality.

Otherwise, I think friends have become a kind of accessory item, everyone loves to show them off, but unless they really work for you and enhance your life experience, than who really are you doing it for?

Don’t do tests just embrace who you are and how you feel. It’s fine.

Opposites attract it was ever thus.

Funny enough it can change as me and dh got together aged 18 snd I was more introverted while he was the life snd soul.

30 years later it’s switched. Don’t underestimate demands of jobs snd life in general

I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I love people and would love a more sociable job but after work I am actually happiest just me, dh and our kids - my group of friends seem to find this hard to understand and can take offense. They all seem to want to live in each other's pockets but whilst they are important to me, I'd be much happier seeing them just a handful of times a year. I get stressed because they go on and on about meeting so I make the effort, thinking I've finally done what they want but they immediately try to plan the next and it's exhausting to me. They seem to find it stressful being at home alone with the kids but I feel most relaxed then. It's like I desperately want to want friends but the reality of it I don't enjoy so much. I wouldn't be lovey surprised if I was very slightly on the spectrum and have suspected the same of my dh and one of my children but our weird little family seems to work for us!

*overly

I have been told I am 'withdrawn', I actually lack confidence in myself.

I don't know what people find to talk about for hours on end, that just exhausts me.

I love being at home with my cat.

My partner is quiet too.

That sounds like me! Hey, we could be friends! We could show up at the same place at the same time and ignore each other for a couple of hours!

I’m only partly joking.

Could you just be more of an introvert than an extravert? Have a look here

I would love to be so self sufficient, but find that I just close down a bit when I have no one to spark off. I need to have other people around n order to feel alive. I don't that introverts feel like that. Nothing wrong, just different approaches to life.

So interesting to read these responses.I feel less lonely !But actually I have come to the conclusion I don't really feel lonely,just self contained. And as pointed out its the expectation that it's the societal norm to want loads of friends and to be constantly having a busy social life/loads of online follwers that can make you feel inadequate. If you let it.
My DH is also very sociable.In a restaurant I always let him sit facing the room,and tease him that he's like a heat seeking missile looking for someone to chat to.On holiday he loves to strike up a friendship at the bar.But over the years we've come to respect and understand our different needs and it works just fine.He's away to a reunion soon and will have a great time,as will I at home.

I am the same OP.

But I have long ago stopped worrying about it.

Like you I " know how to" do the social stuff- I have been in careers that use my chatty easy going nature- I have worked in sales, I still work for a friend doing promotion stuff at trade shows etc to help her out sometimes.
I don't have social anxiety. I just find social stuff exhausting and boring.
Luckily my OH feels the same way!
We rarely entertain, and we like it that way.

I trust few people and only those people are my friends. Facebook and the like give a false impression of friendships. I'm happier with quality over quantity.

Me too. Especially the social masking thing. I feel like I’m always having to concentrate to respond appropriately, smiling and making appropriate noises. Half the time I’m just bored, most conversations/small talk are utterly predictable, but even when I’m interested I think my natural state would be to listen intently with a blank face, but that is obviously very offputting to most people.

I also have a very dry sense of humour and only very few people make me genuinely laugh out loud. Sharing a sense of humour is very important for friendship I think, and I just don’t click like that with many people.

So what with all the effort to smile and fake laughing/looking amazed etc., I suppose I come across as alternately insincere or just plain weird 😄

It doesn’t bother me too much any more, I just try to cherish the people I do click with.

I do need a certain amount of interaction. Back when I was a SAHM doing the school run I realised that the 5-10mins twice a day of playground chat was about perfect

I do sometimes worry that I offend.
I meet people and get invites out for coffee, lunch etc but I usually make excuses.
It all seems so much effort.
But I have energy for lots of other activities.

the 5-10mins twice a day of playground chat was about perfect

Me too!!

Just enough.

You have totally hit the nail on the head! Exactly how I feel. I think other people seem to rely so much on others. I was brought up to be totally self sufficient. So I don't need friends - I too have them just for show I think! And no I don't have Asperger's! What little leisure time I have in the day I want to spend with my partner and kids. I'm not going to beat myself up about this any more as I have done for years. There are far more important things to worry about!!!

There is a lot of expectation from society though.

When I was younger I cultivated friendships and saw others on regular basis because I though that was what "normal" people did- have friends go out for coffee etc.
But I rarely enjoyed it, and would leave feeling like a dead husk of a fly on a long forgotten window ledge.
Literally drained.
But my friends would tell me they felt energised and uplifted by our meetings.
Not me- I would have to go and lie down in a darkened room.

But now happily I have stopped caring whether I am a weirdo or not.
Enjoying my own company and that of my very close family is a much nicer place.
Yes I still have the odd ( monthly ) coffee with some women before the gym, and they are lovely people, I just don't want or need lots of friends.

I feel exactly the same but don't meet up with anyone for dinner, drinks etc. and i love it!
i'm very chatty, very friendly, people seem to like me and seek me out to talk to, but I never ever take it any further than that.
my whole social life revolves around my chldren and husband with the occassional visit to family.
As pp say, nowadays that seems to make me out to be some sort of failure but I reall can't be arsed with the whole going out/ round to friends' houses.
I don't think people are secretly thinking I'm boring though, I'm pretty certain I'm awesomely entertaining!!

Actually, that's a lie, we have a week away with another couple once a year which is great, and I love the other family, but weirdly have no compunction to really get in touch the rest of the year. We meet up, have a fab. holiday, then don't really communicate till the run up to the next holiday ( reading that it looks a bit weird)

@MBackland I totally understand how you feel about your dog. I love mine more than any other being except my DH. When he comes and lays his head near mine and lets out a deep, contented sigh, I am transported to a place of deep and utter content.

I also don't have many friends - I don't find small talk easy, and seem to find it hard to move beyond that. I've moved around a lot too. I don't feel too bad about this but I'd love a best friend who shared my sense of humour,some interests and my attitude to people - so that we could be silent without judging.

"I remember as a teenager and in my early twenties I used to watch groups of my girlfriends go to the bathrooms at clubs together and wonder why they all needed a support party. Surely it was quicker and more efficient just to go alone..?"

This. I totally get this. The group mentality always escaped me. I'm similar to you OP. I have about 3 friends that I genuinely enjoy seeing, 1-1. That's it. I can go months/years between seeing them. That's fine with me. Otherwise I enjoy my own / my family's company.

My husband goes a bit stir crazy if he goes more than a few days without seeing his friends (and they email each other every day).

Somehow we work

You don’t have the right friends if you oh feel like this.

Imagine a scenario that you really Look forward tk seeinfyour friends; you care deeply about them and also their families; you turn to them when the shit hits the fan; you have both wonderful fun times with them and also quiet thoughtful chats with them; and finally no judgement, not bitchniess, just true and unabiding friendships.

That is how I feel about my friends. One group of four local friends I made since moving to the area, children at same school. One group of two very old friends from school. One friend I met 8 years ago in NCT

I can relate but for different reasons. My time is so taken up with my young children and my husband that there isn't time for much else. When I have a friend round I find it tiring and it all takes effort and planning. I can never be really bothered about it but I always do feel better afterwards.

What a relief to read this thread, really thought I was the only one to feel like this. I am very outgoing, always smiling and chatty on the outside to friends and colleagues but on the inside I am withered and empty, I dread saying the wrong thing and ALWAYS over-analyse everything, worry what people think of me, etc. I have one very good friend, the others in my friendship group have all let me down in one way or another even though I am very loyal and faithful like an old labrador! My DH is complete opposite, everyone loves him and he really couldn't care less what anyone thinks about him.
I feel most comfortable with my close family, one friend and especially my wonderful dog who makes me so happy.

Delta I get the feeling of being let down by people.I've formed what I thought were close friendships over the years,only to find it was all take and no give after the initial phase.And like that old dog I accommodated their schedules and whims,only to find myself dropped whilst they whirled off to the next new thing.
High horse. I don't feel the friends I have now are the wrong ones,just fewer and truer.2 from schooldays and 2 from bringing up children.And that will do for me.I could ring them day or night in a crisis,and as Frakka said absolutely cherish them. Interestingly I sometimes tease DH and say he's like a labrador,always looking out for people to say hello to.I'm probably ,more border collie -busy,busy and like to have a purpose then leave me alone when I need my own space.We've owned both !

Sorry meant to say we've owned both !