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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious at my Mother in Law?

85 replies

havingatantrum · 09/04/2018 13:51

This has a long backstory but it is all relevant!

2 weeks ago my dad had a heart attack. it was quite a bad one, and as he lives in a remote location, was airlifted to the nearest hospital. We didn't know if he would make it. On finding out I flew to be with him. Once we knew he would be OK and was stable, I flew home. In total I was away for 3 days.

I have two small boys who I left in the care of DH. He asked MIL to come and help with them (the youngest isn't in school or nursery) whilst I was away so that he could go to work and we wouldn't lose his wages. She happily agreed and came to stay in our house for a short period of time. We were both suitably grateful and thanked her profusely. I also sent thank you cards that the boys helped to make when I returned home.

Fast forward to this morning when my sister contacted me to let me know that she found out (through a mutual friend) that my MIL has been insulting me and my/my families reaction to my father's heart attack all through her village.

Apparently my reaction was over the top, there was no need for me to travel all that distance to visit my father, and it was irresponsible of me to leave my children. She has said that what I did wasn't fair on my husband (despite my flying out being his idea) and that I shouldn't have left him with the children.

Obviously, I am furious. Angry to the point of being nauseous. I also hate confrontation. And I don't think that the way I reacted was unusual?

As per the usual Mumsnet advice, I shared this information with my husband and asked him to speak to her. He said that as we are dealing with third-hand information, her words have probably been misinterpreted. He doesn't think he should say anything and that I should just let it go.

I don't feel able to let it go. I am angry! We are supposed to be seeing her at the weekend and, the way I feel right now, I don't want to be in the same room as her!

Should I call her and confront her about this myself? AIBU to say the kids and I aren't going? I worry that if I say that he and the kids can go but I won't go that this will just fuel her fire to accuse me of abandoning them again?

Any advice welcomed whilst I sit and fume quietly!!

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/04/2018 13:55

I’d let it go. Who cares what she thinks? Who cares what other people think? You did right by your dad, your husband and your children, I really think most people will see that and take her words with a pinch of salt.

Hope your dad continues to improve Flowers

itallhappensforareason · 09/04/2018 13:56

Of course you would want to be with your dad - she is definitely BU!!! It's not as if you abandoned your children, they had a dad at home to look after them and the help of a grandmother! I would be angry as well but would probably just continue to silently fume. I hate confrontation as well.

wink1970 · 09/04/2018 13:59

I usually hate 'I hate MIL' threads, as I am one & we're not all nasty bitches.... but she's an idiot, worse even, and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Call her up (don't text or email) and say "SIL says you have a problem with me visiting my Dad after he had a heart attack, is that right?" then react accordingly - and frankly if it's as clear cut as it seems and she does have a problem, then you have every right to go apeshit. It's your dad and he was really poorly! You did what most people would do.

Flowers
Badwifey · 09/04/2018 13:59

I don't think you should say anything if I'm honest. Like your Dh has said you have heard the info from your sister (also emotionally involved) who heard from someone else. I would go to see her but hold my tongue. If it was brought up ask her how she would feel if she had a heart attack and her son didn't show up to see her.

BeyondThePage · 09/04/2018 14:00

Why... honestly... do you care so much what your sister said, that somebody else said, that she said. She has opinions, they are different from yours. She shouldn't be bad mouthing you wherever, but that she is is based on here-say anyhow.

I would just get on with things, stop fuming, speak to her if you feel the need... your DH sounds sensible.

Aoifeaye · 09/04/2018 14:00

If I were in your situation I would speak to dh again, explain how hurt I am and that I don't feel able to see mil over the weekend until I get some kind of clarification on what she said.

He doesn't need to go to her all guns blazing, he can say to her that there are some not very nice rumours going round but he thinks her words must have been misinterpreted and he would like to know what has actually been said to clear the air.

Do you think he'd refuse to do this?

Dressingdown1 · 09/04/2018 14:03

I wouldn't put too much trust in third hand gossip. Some people just like to stir things. Unless your MIL makes nasty remarks directly to you or DH, I would just assume that her comments were taken out of context or magnified to make a bit of juicy gossip.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/04/2018 14:04

Totally get why you're fuming but I think you're going to have to rise above it and let it go.

If she starts up through, one thing I would tackle her on would be She has said that what I did wasn't fair on my husband (despite my flying out being his idea) and that I shouldn't have left him with the children

Why the fuck should you have not left them with him? He is their PARENT too.

Or does she expect you to be chained to the kitchen sink, as well?

It is attitudes like that that perpetuate the myth that childcare is 'women's work' and drives me insane.

But well done for being there for your Dad when he needed you.

Nikephorus · 09/04/2018 14:04

You know your actions were reasonable. So does DH. And so will anyone she tells. Anyone who learns that a person left their family behind to go and check on a parent with a heart attack will think 'yes, and?'. They're probably all thinking what a twat MIL is.
If DF lived in Australia or the US then she'd have a point & waiting to hear would be sensible as you'd have been on a plane at the wrong time anyway. But in your situation - totally reasonable & conventional.
What to do now? Common sense says ignore her, I'd be wanting to make snide comments to her in person.

WeeMadArthur · 09/04/2018 14:04

Tbh anyone who heard this from her would think she was being unreasonable and that what you did was completely understandable so it reflects badly on her, not you.

If I were you I wouldn’t say anything to her but don’t forget how she apparently really feels about you. From now on you need to bear in mind that she could be saying one thing to your face but another behind your back.

EweDoEwe · 09/04/2018 14:05

Well isn’t mutual friend a little shit-stirrer.

Honestly, I’d contact mutual friend and tell her you’ll be discussing these rumours with MIL for clarification, and as part of that you will tell MIL who they came from... mutual friends will shit herself and start backtracking, I guarantee it.

tabulahrasa · 09/04/2018 14:05

The thing is, if she is going round saying that, whoever she’s saying it to isn’t going to leave the conversation thinking anything bad about you, but they will about her...

BessMarvin · 09/04/2018 14:06

Might be best to clarify her position so that you both know that if she's ever seriously ill her son shouldn't leave you with 2 children to look after and go and visit her.

fourandnomore · 09/04/2018 14:10

I think I would mention what wifey says, turn it round to a what if it was you? Would you think it was inappropriate for your son to come to you and leave the children with me if you had a heart attach? Be calm but ask this. As a sahm my husband has taken holiday to look after our kids while my mum needed me and I think that is absolutely fair. She agreed to help so your husband could not lose days of work then says you've abandoned your kids. I couldn't not mention it but at the same time it is third hand so tead carefully. Maybe you could reiterate how grateful you are that she could help for this reason so your family didn't lose income as otherwise your husband would have looked after his own children. Then say something like of course if it were you who were ill I could have stayed off/had the kids at home in the same way. Make it clear parenting is a joint responsibility. Kindness sometimes is a better way, you'll make her think. I hope your dad is doing ok now, a horrible shock and you did not overreact at all.

maggiecate · 09/04/2018 14:12

You could always try - "I thought you should know that someone's been spreading rumours that you've been saying terrible things" - list what's been said and then tell her "I'm sure that you wouldn't dream of saying anything so cruel when you know that we were very close to losing my dad, especially when it was DH that said I should go to him, but I wanted you to know because it's so awful when people talk about you behind your back, and I know that I would want someone to tell me." Smile sweetly.

Bluelady · 09/04/2018 14:14

Some people are shit stirrers. I'd want some proof she actually said it. Did your sister go to support your dad? If not, might a certain amount of guilt be involved?

DairyisClosed · 09/04/2018 14:15

I am with your husband. This is third hand information. It is so outright nasty and contradicts her behaviour to the point where I would strongly suspect someone else made it up.

Lonesurvivor · 09/04/2018 14:15

I think with this sly type of individual you need to be equally sly.
Would you send a text saying "you wouldnt believe the ludicrous story I heard today about you, apparently they want my family to believe you belittled how panicked we were when dad had the life threatening heart attack and that you weren't happy with me leaving the kids. Now of course I know you'd never be so cruel and unkind and wasn't going to mention it but dh and I spoke and decided to let you know so you'd be aware of how malicious some people can be"

Only send this if the friend who told your sis can't be linked.

If you go in all guns blazing she'll deny it anyway and somehow you'll be in the wrong and not appreciative of all she's done.
If she hasn't actually bad mouthed you it'll look like you'd never doubted that, if she has she'll think twice about doing so again.

TomRavenscroft · 09/04/2018 14:15

I agree with maggie.

hesterton · 09/04/2018 14:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AstrantiaMajor · 09/04/2018 14:17

Maggie has it spot on

Chrys2017 · 09/04/2018 14:19

He said that as we are dealing with third-hand information, her words have probably been misinterpreted.
This. Judge her by her actions, not by gossip spread by other people. It's so easy to misrepresent the meaning of someone's words, even just by changing the inflection.

huginamugwankinapacket · 09/04/2018 14:20

Did you speak to the mutual friend and confirm what they were saying and they hadn't heard it from someone else? As the more information is passed on the more it's misconstrued usually. I'd look more into it before confronting her and I'd start off in a polite way to gauge whether there's truth in it.

Dancingleopard · 09/04/2018 14:23

I’d call her yourself your dh obviously is too scared to

Ask her about what was said - no accusations. Just say you’d heard something and needed to ask her because you really don’t think it could be true and see how it pans out.

Now, of course you really know how she feels about you because any one that’s cared for you would not speak that shit

tiggytape · 09/04/2018 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.