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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious at my Mother in Law?

85 replies

havingatantrum · 09/04/2018 13:51

This has a long backstory but it is all relevant!

2 weeks ago my dad had a heart attack. it was quite a bad one, and as he lives in a remote location, was airlifted to the nearest hospital. We didn't know if he would make it. On finding out I flew to be with him. Once we knew he would be OK and was stable, I flew home. In total I was away for 3 days.

I have two small boys who I left in the care of DH. He asked MIL to come and help with them (the youngest isn't in school or nursery) whilst I was away so that he could go to work and we wouldn't lose his wages. She happily agreed and came to stay in our house for a short period of time. We were both suitably grateful and thanked her profusely. I also sent thank you cards that the boys helped to make when I returned home.

Fast forward to this morning when my sister contacted me to let me know that she found out (through a mutual friend) that my MIL has been insulting me and my/my families reaction to my father's heart attack all through her village.

Apparently my reaction was over the top, there was no need for me to travel all that distance to visit my father, and it was irresponsible of me to leave my children. She has said that what I did wasn't fair on my husband (despite my flying out being his idea) and that I shouldn't have left him with the children.

Obviously, I am furious. Angry to the point of being nauseous. I also hate confrontation. And I don't think that the way I reacted was unusual?

As per the usual Mumsnet advice, I shared this information with my husband and asked him to speak to her. He said that as we are dealing with third-hand information, her words have probably been misinterpreted. He doesn't think he should say anything and that I should just let it go.

I don't feel able to let it go. I am angry! We are supposed to be seeing her at the weekend and, the way I feel right now, I don't want to be in the same room as her!

Should I call her and confront her about this myself? AIBU to say the kids and I aren't going? I worry that if I say that he and the kids can go but I won't go that this will just fuel her fire to accuse me of abandoning them again?

Any advice welcomed whilst I sit and fume quietly!!

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 09/04/2018 15:18

I suspected that was the case, and in fact I felt the same way about my MIL. She likes to think she's 'too nice' and 'never wants to bother anyone' but in fact she's very bitter and mean about people and I knew she'd be the same way about me, it just wasn't nice to have that confirmed. Sometimes you just have to accept people are the way they are it's actually their loss if they choose to be nasty and bitter. It's really hard and disappointing but this might be the point at which you have to leave any hope of having a really positive relationship with your MIL behind - she is who she is and she isn't going to change.

Let your DH deal with her and just ignore. I'm polite to my MIL but on no level are we friends.

Spaghettijumper · 09/04/2018 15:20

You have to know as well that a decent person would never question your reaction to this situation, they would just support you and feel really bad that you were under such stress and worry. She can't do that for you, she has to tear you down in some way in order to gratify something in herself. You just don't need that, as others have said.

peacheachpearplum · 09/04/2018 15:22

It is understandable that you are hurt and if she did say it she isn't very nice. I do question "friends" who pass this sort of thing on because it can only upset people and cause problems.

Fevs · 09/04/2018 15:24

Personally I would have to say something or it would play on my mind and affect my relationship with my MIL going forwards.
I would call her in advance of you visiting next so hopefully you can clear the air (she can apologise) and you can have a transparent relationship from now on.
It is worth mentioning to her though, that you and your husband have a strong and understanding marriage and don’t need any unnecessarily negativity.

Lillipuddlian · 09/04/2018 15:29

oh dear... here is the smoke "She is the kind of person who never has a kind word to say about anyone behind their backs, although she is always lovely to everyone's faces".

You are probably too kind and trusting, OP. I feel for you. Log this in your book, but be aware. Get some new boundaries. Watch.

Finally, when people run around badmouthing others, rest assured you receive the same treatment. This is toxic and you don't need it.

Lillipuddlian · 09/04/2018 15:37

If you have proof this happened and proof, over multiple observations, that your MIL is critical, judgemental, unsupportive and bullying, then don't confront.

Take some time to establish what type of relationship you need to have with her. You can have a civilized, courteous relationship with her, still visit, etc but not fall prey to her negativity and backstabbing. If you have proof of this, consider this your wake up call. Put the boundaries in place and invest in relationships with people who are genuinely supportive of you. Nobody needs backstabbing and negativity.

Thank your sister and the situation... it's probably been going on for years but this event was so juicy your MIL got sloppy running at the mouth. These types make their own beds. Beware.

Civil, but contrite. She will never notice your boundaries, but you will.

diddl · 09/04/2018 15:45

So know you (possibly) know that MIL badmouths you as much as anyone else.

So just don't tell her anything, pull back if you want.

However she said those things to (if she did) will think that she's a nasty piece of work.

It's unfortunate that your husband had to ask his mum to help as what you had to do impacted on her.

Don't ask her for favours in future.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/04/2018 15:48

Maggie’s response is perfect if you are up to it. But I don’t think you should give it headspace. You did the right thing by your DF and everyone will agree with you. Your MIL does not come out of this well, she won’t have made many friends gossiping like this.

Also you can tell DH he is off the hook if she is suddenly taken ill, clearly she won’t expect him to rush to her bedside will she?

QueenOfIce · 09/04/2018 15:49

I wonder if she'd feel the same if it was her that had the heart attack and your dh decided visiting wasn't necessary. I wouldn't sit on it I'd make sure she knew the 'rumours' without accusing her. I hope your dad is recovering well.

BewareOfDragons · 09/04/2018 15:54

I would do what maggie suggested, a backdoor pull up on her bad-mouthing you, which you is the way she behaves generally. She'll know you know. If she dares to defend herself, you can then go to what another poster suggested, and ask her if that means if she takes seriously ill with a heart attack or some such thing suddenly, then her son needn't worry about getting there to see her just in case?

Lillipuddlian · 09/04/2018 15:55

her concerns should have been with you, your father and your family... the fact that she flipped this to make it about your husband and herself is troubling. I would give a wide berth. I have been here. No good comes from it.

Bramble71 · 09/04/2018 16:03

I bet she'd expect her precious son to come running if she had a major heart attack.

I really do think it's your husband's responsibility to speak to her and explain you'd both had some third hand information and would be very upset if it were true, and ask her exactly what she did say.

I'd be fuming, too, so YANBU.

CaledonianQueen · 09/04/2018 16:14

As someone who has been through the trauma of my Dad having a massive heart attack (which even his consultants are surprised he survived), I can reassure you that in absolutely NO WAY were you overreacting. My DH and I rushed through with our children and my DH left me at the hospital and took my children to my parent's house to wait for an update.

My Dad needed a quadruple bypass and was very, very unwell at the time. Not once did my MIL ask after my Dad or say she was sorry to hear about his health. But then she didn't even give me her condolences when my Gran died. She is the type to say 'well it serves them right for being overweight/ smoking/ being unfit/ having diabetes. Thankfully not long after my Dad's heart attack, we went nc, although for different, much more toxic behaviour (which considering how nasty the above is should show how nasty her behaviour was).

I agree that you should approach her in person, whilst making it clear you don't possibly think that she would ever say anything so cruel about you, letting her know that her nastiness is making its way back to you! Using this approach, she can't accuse you of lying/ going ballistic etc, as you are 'looking out for her'.

I have used this approach in the past and it has been very illuminating. My MIL would go bright red, then splutter as she angrily defended herself. Others who I have used this approach with looked genuinely shocked and hurt, making it clear that they were either genuinely innocent or very good actors.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/04/2018 16:16

She's badmouthing you because poor DH was left on his own to look after his own children Shock

I bet you this is the first time you have left him to it.

Sounds like she would have had a beef whatever the reason you had to go away.

BuntyII · 09/04/2018 16:21

Don't believe anything that anyone is supposed to have said unless you have heard it from their own lips OP.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2018 16:33

She is the kind of person who never has a kind word to say about anyone behind their backs, although she is always lovely to everyone's faces.

In that case, there's no real reason for you to confront her about it, or "make her aware", as you already know it's probably true that she said it, and you also know that no matter how reasonably you present it she will cast you as the villain, the drama-seeker, in her retelling of it.

Don't fuel the fire. Take the moral high ground and kill her with kindness as you did with the thank you cards etc.

Anyone she talked to about it will a) already know the type of person she is and b) think that you were entirely normal to fly to see your dad after a heart attack. Staying home would have been the remarkable choice!

I also think it's possible that after such a huge scare you are looking for a way to vent out some emotion about the unfairness of life - probably best that you don't take this opportunity with MIL. It won't help you.

People like your MIL are horrid, but the absolute very best thing to do is to keep your counsel, always be "in the right" and never give them the opportunity to rattle you.

Flowers for you. I'm glad your dad is OK.

derxa · 09/04/2018 16:46

NoSquirrels advice is excellent. Take things at face value. There was a crisis and she stepped in. She loves playing the martyr but you have the choice not to join in with her games.

fiorentina · 09/04/2018 16:52

If the rumours are free she’s probably trying to gain sympathy or glory from the people she’s speaking to about how she stepped in. But her bitching won’t reflect well on her, she comes across as a not very charitable or supportive individual.
Hold your head up high and mention to her that people seem to be bitching about her?!

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 16:58

Yy to Maggie.

Didn't see her response it's perfect.

And Yy to beware of dragons and her not taking it seriously so her son won't need to go Grin

rocketgirl22 · 09/04/2018 17:13

How do you know this is true?

I would be very very very wary taking this as gospel.

For your own family relations, I would ignore it all. You don't know it is true, she is likely to deny it even if it is true and personally I wouldn't trust the sources, not one inch.

Lets just say it is true and she was grumbling. So what. Who cares really, she came, she helped, she left. Leave it at that.

If you feel very strongly don't ask her again.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt and move on. In the case of a heart attack of course you unquestionably go, so most people in the village wouldn't agree with her anyway!

let it go

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 17:13

Caledonian Mil said nothing to me after df death either. Nothing.

That among many many other things has been it for me.

Spiggle123 · 09/04/2018 17:32

Don't believe anything that anyone is supposed to have said unless you have heard it from their own lips OP

I agree with this X 100. I once made a comment to friend A who then twisted what I'd said into something extremely unpleasant and the opposite of the truth - she told this to mutual friend B.
I never even knew till years later - when mutual friend B asked me if I'd really meant what I'd said to A. I was then able to explain myself.
Friend B said she'd been shocked and found it hard to believe I'd said it. Hence after a couple of glasses of vino she asked me.
Some people love drama and stirring shit regardless of the pain it might cause.

Joanna57 · 09/04/2018 18:12

Well I feel so so sorry for the MIL.

Here you are bad mouthing her, on a public forum, with no actual proof whatsoever, just a 'she said and she said'.

I'd be really interested in the MIL version of events, just to balance it.

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2018 18:21

Joanna are you the MIL?

ChasedByBees · 09/04/2018 18:32

So if she had a heart attack, her son should not visit, even if he had people who could look after the children, because he would be abandoning the family?